Weekend Romanticals...
Did not get off to a promising start. Between Fratboy having a brain fart for breakfast and telling Twisty G we weren't going with him to Grammy's and the huge thunderstorm the kids spent a good hour clinging to my leg and weeping. I seriously doubted whether we'd be able to get away for a bit there. But then the Grandparentals swooped in with their Grandparental magic and the twee folk floated off in a cloud of disco balls and jelly beans and Frattie and I were left to our own devices.
Woo.
So in the endless drive to Swankville he browbeat me into our next wedding:
Browbeating = Fratboy saying 'let's jump out of plane for our next wedding'
Me: FUCKING A!!
also see:
WICKED!!!!
So that's decided. Whew. And no, we don't expect anyone to come along for this year's madness cuz it's throwing yourself out of a perfectly good plane. Ha. However if you've spent your entire life harbouring a deep sekkrit desire to do so, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Anyway, we reach the ceremony site and I'm overrun with crazy. Freedom from small people makes me high? I could not even guess. If anyone had intercepted any of the texts flying between Black Lady and myself we'd likely be total social pariahs...
Though the irony of sending racists texts about unexpectedly brown people to my Black Lady was not lost on me. Oh. Wait. That's not 'ironical' at all. That's just me being a giant douchebag.
Carry on!
We had 2 hours to kill before the reception started so we head over to Casino Niagara to get checked in. I oogle stupid expensive earrings. Fratboy desecrates our bathroom. The usual. Once cocktail hour starts I get on some completely unexpected Caesar tear and proceed to drink 173 of them in an hour. Damn that spicy tomatoey goodness was just more than I could resist. By the time we rolled in for dinner I was feeling no pain. And this surrounded by People who kept insisting on talking to me no less. I wouldn't say that I was exactly social but I didn't stab anyone in the head either so WIN.
Dinner was course after course of delicious and I somehow ate myself sober. This presented a problem as I was also too full to fit any more alcohol in their either. So I sat there with my hand up my skirt since I had no pants to stick it down and moaned and that probs gave off a completely misleading picture but whatever. Then Fratboy and his mom and his sister disappeared to be social or whatever it is people do when they congregate together and don't hate it. Had I been left to my own devices it would have been great except then my father in law started telling dirty jokes...
I sat there splattering the walls with my brains as I heard the words dick, pussy, orgasm and dildo come flying out of his mouth but when he got to FORNICATION I knew it was time to risk the wrath of Vomitville and get back on that damned booze train.
It all gets kind of blurry from there. But I do believe Fratboy and I wound up Vogue-ing. In public. Where people could see us.
Lord.
I definitely benember berating him mercilessly for not being drunk enough and goading him into endless shots which he in turn made me partake of and somewhere in there came the finger puppets (no, really. ACTUAL finger puppets...) and I'm afraid to think too hard about what may or may not have happened next but holy shit am I grateful there is no photographic evidence hence all the truly stunning ARTE. We got back to the hotel and I was lipping off about something and he dragged me rather forcefully straight to the jewelry store where he was going to teach me a damned lesson and buy me those earrings. So there. Of course it was stupid o'clock and it was closed which is both a bummer and a relief cuz while every girl needs to be spontaneously showered with stupid expensive jewelry we really can't afford it and so instead we went upstairs and broken cooter got upgraded to nearly dead and then we passed out and no one vomited, sharted or otherwise ruined a perfectly romantical bloody ravaging.
This morning I finally got a good look at the room which is holy kee-rist fabulous and if this is what the freebies are like I can't even imagine the suites. The bathroom had an enormous glass shower which I am having immediately installed into our bedroom or something because cooter be damned but that was one appealing sight to awake to. The room also came with free breakfast so we tried to do the buffet justice but we were both still too stuffed from last night and then we went all touristy and walked under the Falls and bought fruit and ice wine at roadside stands and generally dragged our heels before returning to reality.
At my mom's Twisty G immediately threw a hissy the second he saw us, which is pretty standard for whenever we've left him overnight. Cool thing is he's got words AND some emotional control these days and so I finally got it out of him that he didn't want to go home. Ha. All these years I've been eating myself alive with guilt cuz the books all say how much they missed you hits them when they see you again when in reality he's been weeping cuz he likes it in Magic Gramland and please don't drag him back to The Stick With The Nails[tm]. Ha HA even. So we played for a while longer so he didn't have to leave right away and then bribed them with toys and candy to get in the car because we're still bucking for Parents of the Year like that.
And now I'm exhausted and broken and maybe just a tiny bit giddy. The ladies have been staging regular Procreation Interventions to convince me to surrender to logic and reason and keep my damned ovaries to myself. I didn't quite get it until this weekend just how much life, she is a changing again and I don't really think I want to derail that.
Plus my BMI is 'normal' for the first time in my adult life.
And I didn't have to try to catch that horrendous bouquet cuz we're 5 years in and that still manages to catch me off guard and give me a little thrill every now and then.
And I really wanted to make butter tarts tonight except I don't know how plus I'm incredibly lazy so instead I bought donuts because in my head that makes total sense.
It may be time to lie down now...
Woo.
So in the endless drive to Swankville he browbeat me into our next wedding:
Browbeating = Fratboy saying 'let's jump out of plane for our next wedding'
Me: FUCKING A!!
also see:
WICKED!!!!
So that's decided. Whew. And no, we don't expect anyone to come along for this year's madness cuz it's throwing yourself out of a perfectly good plane. Ha. However if you've spent your entire life harbouring a deep sekkrit desire to do so, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Anyway, we reach the ceremony site and I'm overrun with crazy. Freedom from small people makes me high? I could not even guess. If anyone had intercepted any of the texts flying between Black Lady and myself we'd likely be total social pariahs...
Though the irony of sending racists texts about unexpectedly brown people to my Black Lady was not lost on me. Oh. Wait. That's not 'ironical' at all. That's just me being a giant douchebag.
Carry on!
We had 2 hours to kill before the reception started so we head over to Casino Niagara to get checked in. I oogle stupid expensive earrings. Fratboy desecrates our bathroom. The usual. Once cocktail hour starts I get on some completely unexpected Caesar tear and proceed to drink 173 of them in an hour. Damn that spicy tomatoey goodness was just more than I could resist. By the time we rolled in for dinner I was feeling no pain. And this surrounded by People who kept insisting on talking to me no less. I wouldn't say that I was exactly social but I didn't stab anyone in the head either so WIN.
Dinner was course after course of delicious and I somehow ate myself sober. This presented a problem as I was also too full to fit any more alcohol in their either. So I sat there with my hand up my skirt since I had no pants to stick it down and moaned and that probs gave off a completely misleading picture but whatever. Then Fratboy and his mom and his sister disappeared to be social or whatever it is people do when they congregate together and don't hate it. Had I been left to my own devices it would have been great except then my father in law started telling dirty jokes...
I sat there splattering the walls with my brains as I heard the words dick, pussy, orgasm and dildo come flying out of his mouth but when he got to FORNICATION I knew it was time to risk the wrath of Vomitville and get back on that damned booze train.
It all gets kind of blurry from there. But I do believe Fratboy and I wound up Vogue-ing. In public. Where people could see us.
Lord.
I definitely benember berating him mercilessly for not being drunk enough and goading him into endless shots which he in turn made me partake of and somewhere in there came the finger puppets (no, really. ACTUAL finger puppets...) and I'm afraid to think too hard about what may or may not have happened next but holy shit am I grateful there is no photographic evidence hence all the truly stunning ARTE. We got back to the hotel and I was lipping off about something and he dragged me rather forcefully straight to the jewelry store where he was going to teach me a damned lesson and buy me those earrings. So there. Of course it was stupid o'clock and it was closed which is both a bummer and a relief cuz while every girl needs to be spontaneously showered with stupid expensive jewelry we really can't afford it and so instead we went upstairs and broken cooter got upgraded to nearly dead and then we passed out and no one vomited, sharted or otherwise ruined a perfectly romantical bloody ravaging.
This morning I finally got a good look at the room which is holy kee-rist fabulous and if this is what the freebies are like I can't even imagine the suites. The bathroom had an enormous glass shower which I am having immediately installed into our bedroom or something because cooter be damned but that was one appealing sight to awake to. The room also came with free breakfast so we tried to do the buffet justice but we were both still too stuffed from last night and then we went all touristy and walked under the Falls and bought fruit and ice wine at roadside stands and generally dragged our heels before returning to reality.
At my mom's Twisty G immediately threw a hissy the second he saw us, which is pretty standard for whenever we've left him overnight. Cool thing is he's got words AND some emotional control these days and so I finally got it out of him that he didn't want to go home. Ha. All these years I've been eating myself alive with guilt cuz the books all say how much they missed you hits them when they see you again when in reality he's been weeping cuz he likes it in Magic Gramland and please don't drag him back to The Stick With The Nails[tm]. Ha HA even. So we played for a while longer so he didn't have to leave right away and then bribed them with toys and candy to get in the car because we're still bucking for Parents of the Year like that.
And now I'm exhausted and broken and maybe just a tiny bit giddy. The ladies have been staging regular Procreation Interventions to convince me to surrender to logic and reason and keep my damned ovaries to myself. I didn't quite get it until this weekend just how much life, she is a changing again and I don't really think I want to derail that.
Plus my BMI is 'normal' for the first time in my adult life.
And I didn't have to try to catch that horrendous bouquet cuz we're 5 years in and that still manages to catch me off guard and give me a little thrill every now and then.
And I really wanted to make butter tarts tonight except I don't know how plus I'm incredibly lazy so instead I bought donuts because in my head that makes total sense.
It may be time to lie down now...