(no subject)
Huh. Right. Intarwebs. I'd forgotten about you a bit this week. Not unlike Fratboy on shift work but I swear it doesn't mean I love you any less than he loves me. Or something. You know most of the time I don't even try to make sense so it's not all that surprising when I don't.
Anyway plenty of fun and funnay things happened over the course of the week but I just never got around to coming here and writing about it. Then yesterday I finally did but Panic is the new Baby Killing Hitler Twathole, which is kind of like the new black except that's totally racist so clearly not something I would ever say. Ha. Anyway she had to go and make a big stink about weight and body issues and all that shit and the resulting conversations were very interesting and pretty much sucked up any and all free time I had left so no posting here.
Blame the twathole.
The red headed one.
Smart ass.
And then today I wanted to come bust out all the ha-ha but my brain is still chewing on a lot of the conversations that happened in her posts so sorry. Again. Blame Red. Again. But, you know, I am an extremely busy and important woman so I confess I don't always have enough time to think through the things I do until some flaming red haired twathole of Hitler bungs me upside the head with it and makes me. In particular it was someone linking to this article that posted this picture:
And said that out of the 60,000 men polled by Maxim magazine 4 ouf of 5 men preferred the size 12 in the centre or the size 14 on the right to the first girl, the size 8. Now right off the bat I question their numbers and sizing because frankly I was a size 14 and I was bigger than that 'big' girl on the right. I'd say my body now looks a lot closer to their size 12 than their 8 which is funny given the tag in my pants says 8 and I look nothing like the girl on the left. Whatever. Not the point. I realize that a Maxim online survey is hardly scientifical or anything but it did stop me in my tracks a bit. Is bigger better? To whom - men or women? Who are we aesthetically trying to please anyway, ourselves or our partners? And so I just thought I'd start by throwing it out there...
Poll
Cuz this whole weight loss thing for me started when I wanted to fit into this awesome dress and look hot at Fratboy's cop grad. Cuz hai! He was going to be totally buffed out AND in uniform and I refused to be the fat baby mama housewife ball and chain at his side when he introduced me to all his hot single copfriends. Which he never ended up doing. Cuz he probably forgot me again. But whatever, not the point. The point is this weight loss thing was to make him proud to have me by his side and for me to feel better about myself after having 2 babies. Except he thought I was hot when I was bigger. Like bend over near him and be prepared to be mounted at any given time hot. And it's been bugging me these past couple of months, it really has, that he hasn't really been all that vocal, either positively or negatively about my weight loss. He said it's because he thought I was hot then and he thinks I'm hot now and it doesn't matter what size my pants are to him. Which. You know. Is the totally politically correct answer that guarantees the pussy party never has to end, regardless how many cheeseburgers I do or do not eat. Which is what I assumed he meant. Because we must keep the pussy party going at all costs and a few lies about how little the fat on my ass bugs him is a small price to pay for a nonstop pussy party.
Except.
What if he actually meant what he said and I really DID look good to him then? Just as good as I look to him now? What if that Maxim poll is not blowing smoke up asses and dudes really do dig a curvy chick rather than a bonerack and they're not all just collectively saying that to try to fool us into feeling good enough to fuck them regardless of our size? Hi...fucking crazy much? I know. But this is honestly what my internal voice says to me when I hear shit like that. And I've always known my inner monologue is fucked up but this past 24 hours I've really been trying to tackle just HOW fucked up it really is?
There's just so much fucking conflicting talk and messaging out there about size. Don't get too fat because ewww, no one really wants to publicly fuck that. So you want to be thinner than fat but not thin because in a heartbeat you can cross over to the too thin side and be just as critisized for your size or lack thereof as the fat girls are. I started off hearing all the compliments about how great I look and everyone wanting to know what I was doing. Except somewhere along the way I started tripping off different people's comfort zones because I've been accused of having an eating disorder several times now and when people see me eating a salad or some other healthy meal option they are sarcasticly suggesting I should maybe go eat a cheeseburger or sandwich or asking me all concerned if I'm starving myself and you just would not believe the shit people actually have the nerve to say to my face based on my smaller size. And it's been at different stages meaning no one size is right for me, not to please all the mouf breavers around me cuz they're all flipping out at different sizes. So I can only go with what pleases me....
AHAHAHA...Kneegs is so going to kill me for posting the stupidity I pass the time with behind closed emails that y'all can't ordinarily see. But whatevs. The point isn't what a GIANT LOSER I am, the point is that is the image in my head of what I see us looking like. To be honest the scale has been stalled for some time for me and I don't really care because I have no number in my head of what I want to weigh. But I can see myself getting leaner and smaller despite the lack of number movement and that makes me happy because that there is MY ideal when it comes to female bodies. I like lean muscles, no fat, small waists, long legs, boobs. A woman but a fit one. Not an athlete or man with big muscles. It doesn't have to be small but it does have to be low body fat. Leanleanlean. Like a racehorse as Poland would put it.
But then that poll got me wondering why that is? Why is any fat on a woman's body so repugnant to me? Cuz I'll be honest it grosses me the fuck out on my body. I really need to put that disclaimer in there because I don't judge anyone else's body as hard as my own and that is the honest truth. What I will find perfectly attractive on you will be hideous on me and that's a whole separate subject for a whole 'nother day. Right now, why are curves only attractive to me if they are lean muscle? Cuz I'll be honest, lately just running my hands down my own waist and hips is enough to get my nipples hard. This same body, pretty much in the same waist/hips/bust proportion as when it used to make me feel ashamed, now literally turns me on. The leaner I get the happier I am. Why is that? Just how programmed and conditioned am I? Cuz if I"m going to be completely honest when I see pictures like this:
...my first thoughts weren't 'wow she looks sick' or 'ewww bones are not sexy' but rather 'wow how do I get my waist that lean?'. Which, relax. My brain gets. Logically I can look at that photo and see all that is gross and wrong and bad. I'm not blind, not entirely at least. But emotionally, different story. Emotionally I see a waist that small and I want it. Why? Because those images are around me every day? Am I really that easily led?
I can tell you with complete certainty that picture would have incited a disgusted emotional response in me 20 years ago. Back in the supermodel days where models honestly did have some meat on their bones. Back before the size sub zero bonerack generation became more and more the norm. I can so clearly see how appalled that-me would be at now-me for ever even thinking that was remotely desirable, even for a second.
God I'm such a sheep.
Lemmingtown anyone?
Problem is I don't know how to begin to deprogram myself. I am happy being healthier and more fit. I like that I can dance as long as I want at Dance Cave now instead of getting winded. I like that I crave a giant spinach salad for lunch because it actually fuels my body with the good things it needs rather than the completely nutritionally void fast food I used to eat. These are good things and good choices. But how do I keep these good things good? When I barely understand the depth to which The Machine is programming my thoughts and emotional responses along with everyone around me and their reactions to me?
See why I have no funnay right now? I am also utterly devoid of any insight or answers. But this is just what's been tripping my brain up lately.
Fucking baby killing Hitler twatholes.
Anyway plenty of fun and funnay things happened over the course of the week but I just never got around to coming here and writing about it. Then yesterday I finally did but Panic is the new Baby Killing Hitler Twathole, which is kind of like the new black except that's totally racist so clearly not something I would ever say. Ha. Anyway she had to go and make a big stink about weight and body issues and all that shit and the resulting conversations were very interesting and pretty much sucked up any and all free time I had left so no posting here.
Blame the twathole.
The red headed one.
Smart ass.
And then today I wanted to come bust out all the ha-ha but my brain is still chewing on a lot of the conversations that happened in her posts so sorry. Again. Blame Red. Again. But, you know, I am an extremely busy and important woman so I confess I don't always have enough time to think through the things I do until some flaming red haired twathole of Hitler bungs me upside the head with it and makes me. In particular it was someone linking to this article that posted this picture:
And said that out of the 60,000 men polled by Maxim magazine 4 ouf of 5 men preferred the size 12 in the centre or the size 14 on the right to the first girl, the size 8. Now right off the bat I question their numbers and sizing because frankly I was a size 14 and I was bigger than that 'big' girl on the right. I'd say my body now looks a lot closer to their size 12 than their 8 which is funny given the tag in my pants says 8 and I look nothing like the girl on the left. Whatever. Not the point. I realize that a Maxim online survey is hardly scientifical or anything but it did stop me in my tracks a bit. Is bigger better? To whom - men or women? Who are we aesthetically trying to please anyway, ourselves or our partners? And so I just thought I'd start by throwing it out there...
Poll
Cuz this whole weight loss thing for me started when I wanted to fit into this awesome dress and look hot at Fratboy's cop grad. Cuz hai! He was going to be totally buffed out AND in uniform and I refused to be the fat baby mama housewife ball and chain at his side when he introduced me to all his hot single copfriends. Which he never ended up doing. Cuz he probably forgot me again. But whatever, not the point. The point is this weight loss thing was to make him proud to have me by his side and for me to feel better about myself after having 2 babies. Except he thought I was hot when I was bigger. Like bend over near him and be prepared to be mounted at any given time hot. And it's been bugging me these past couple of months, it really has, that he hasn't really been all that vocal, either positively or negatively about my weight loss. He said it's because he thought I was hot then and he thinks I'm hot now and it doesn't matter what size my pants are to him. Which. You know. Is the totally politically correct answer that guarantees the pussy party never has to end, regardless how many cheeseburgers I do or do not eat. Which is what I assumed he meant. Because we must keep the pussy party going at all costs and a few lies about how little the fat on my ass bugs him is a small price to pay for a nonstop pussy party.
Except.
What if he actually meant what he said and I really DID look good to him then? Just as good as I look to him now? What if that Maxim poll is not blowing smoke up asses and dudes really do dig a curvy chick rather than a bonerack and they're not all just collectively saying that to try to fool us into feeling good enough to fuck them regardless of our size? Hi...fucking crazy much? I know. But this is honestly what my internal voice says to me when I hear shit like that. And I've always known my inner monologue is fucked up but this past 24 hours I've really been trying to tackle just HOW fucked up it really is?
There's just so much fucking conflicting talk and messaging out there about size. Don't get too fat because ewww, no one really wants to publicly fuck that. So you want to be thinner than fat but not thin because in a heartbeat you can cross over to the too thin side and be just as critisized for your size or lack thereof as the fat girls are. I started off hearing all the compliments about how great I look and everyone wanting to know what I was doing. Except somewhere along the way I started tripping off different people's comfort zones because I've been accused of having an eating disorder several times now and when people see me eating a salad or some other healthy meal option they are sarcasticly suggesting I should maybe go eat a cheeseburger or sandwich or asking me all concerned if I'm starving myself and you just would not believe the shit people actually have the nerve to say to my face based on my smaller size. And it's been at different stages meaning no one size is right for me, not to please all the mouf breavers around me cuz they're all flipping out at different sizes. So I can only go with what pleases me....
AHAHAHA...Kneegs is so going to kill me for posting the stupidity I pass the time with behind closed emails that y'all can't ordinarily see. But whatevs. The point isn't what a GIANT LOSER I am, the point is that is the image in my head of what I see us looking like. To be honest the scale has been stalled for some time for me and I don't really care because I have no number in my head of what I want to weigh. But I can see myself getting leaner and smaller despite the lack of number movement and that makes me happy because that there is MY ideal when it comes to female bodies. I like lean muscles, no fat, small waists, long legs, boobs. A woman but a fit one. Not an athlete or man with big muscles. It doesn't have to be small but it does have to be low body fat. Leanleanlean. Like a racehorse as Poland would put it.
But then that poll got me wondering why that is? Why is any fat on a woman's body so repugnant to me? Cuz I'll be honest it grosses me the fuck out on my body. I really need to put that disclaimer in there because I don't judge anyone else's body as hard as my own and that is the honest truth. What I will find perfectly attractive on you will be hideous on me and that's a whole separate subject for a whole 'nother day. Right now, why are curves only attractive to me if they are lean muscle? Cuz I'll be honest, lately just running my hands down my own waist and hips is enough to get my nipples hard. This same body, pretty much in the same waist/hips/bust proportion as when it used to make me feel ashamed, now literally turns me on. The leaner I get the happier I am. Why is that? Just how programmed and conditioned am I? Cuz if I"m going to be completely honest when I see pictures like this:
...my first thoughts weren't 'wow she looks sick' or 'ewww bones are not sexy' but rather 'wow how do I get my waist that lean?'. Which, relax. My brain gets. Logically I can look at that photo and see all that is gross and wrong and bad. I'm not blind, not entirely at least. But emotionally, different story. Emotionally I see a waist that small and I want it. Why? Because those images are around me every day? Am I really that easily led?
I can tell you with complete certainty that picture would have incited a disgusted emotional response in me 20 years ago. Back in the supermodel days where models honestly did have some meat on their bones. Back before the size sub zero bonerack generation became more and more the norm. I can so clearly see how appalled that-me would be at now-me for ever even thinking that was remotely desirable, even for a second.
God I'm such a sheep.
Lemmingtown anyone?
Problem is I don't know how to begin to deprogram myself. I am happy being healthier and more fit. I like that I can dance as long as I want at Dance Cave now instead of getting winded. I like that I crave a giant spinach salad for lunch because it actually fuels my body with the good things it needs rather than the completely nutritionally void fast food I used to eat. These are good things and good choices. But how do I keep these good things good? When I barely understand the depth to which The Machine is programming my thoughts and emotional responses along with everyone around me and their reactions to me?
See why I have no funnay right now? I am also utterly devoid of any insight or answers. But this is just what's been tripping my brain up lately.
Fucking baby killing Hitler twatholes.