(no subject)
I've been going through some weird things lately in my life. I tend to not reveal my feelings to those around me due to the fear that no one will understand.
There's a girl I have sort of been seeing for the past few months. I feel as if she is at an unattainable level for me to reach and be on par. She has many qualities that I look for in a friend, lover, and mate. I was amazed at her level of wit that she exercised one night and I believe I have been seduced. When I am in her presence my actions are altered. I don't know why I have such feelings for a girl I have known so shortly. I just know that I have these feelings that feel uneven and mirror a previous relationship I had in highschool. I don't know what it is, or why I am so easily affected by her. Maybe it's her keen wit, her eclectic nature, or her heart stopping looks. Whatever it is about her, it bothers me. I am usually not the one who shows emotion. Though in this case i can't not feel anything. the feelings may be affected by my clouded vision and inability to think clearly. it just feels good with this girl. i sit there and i see her smile and it makes me feel nice and warm inside. makes me feel full, whole. monday afternoon we were supposed to meet up at uhm after my appointment with some school counselors. i got my info, hung out with some friends on campus, and waited around for her... i thought she might have called after class or let me know what was going on or something, so I went and waited around at the student center lounge -- practicing for my test the next day (which I ended up passing). and well, I felt let down. I mean, she knew I was there, but she didn't even call me. I dunno... I ended up leaving and went home on the bus. pretty bummed. i got home took my time going upstairs, deflated. when i got in the door i felt like I needed to talk with someone so i logged on to aim and im'd anyone online. whenever i'm online i feel connected and at peace -- not so lonely when there's millions of people online too. maybe that's why i waste so many hours online... just waiting to connect with someone. even as i type this im's pop up on my screen, and things are needed to get done.
lately i've been worried about my heart. after eating a oily meal i feel a heaviness in my chest. i know it might be bad, but i sometimes wonder if it's just anxiety. i fear going into the doctor and having them tell me that parts of me are broken... that i'm not running as well as I used to, or should. granted i'm only 22 almost 23, but my body's been through some rough situations with sports, booze, drugs, unhealthy food, binge dieting, all that... i'm a ticking time bomb, and my spine is lopsided, my hearing is pretty bad... i'm 30 pounds over weight, and i feel fucking tired.
so this girl... she calls me up around 3:30 and asks if she can use my computer. she says she was in class and that she was working on her project. i felt a little hurt that she would want to come over to use my computer without meeting me at school. when she got to my place , I had a big smile on my face. i was dressed in junk clothes for chillin at home and she shows up with a beigeish gettup... she looked good. she came in and lounged about -- she asked for a beer and i got her one. seems like we never spend time together sober... sounds like a bad sign, but i tend to overlook things when regarding her. i'm such a wimp when i'm around her... i knew from the day i met her that she had my number (cliche) and that she was different from the girls i've been seeing up until then... and it feels like she sensed it... that she knew i was weak. i dunno, me and my suppositions.
so we hang around my apartment and talk story, about this-n-that and all that small talk nonsense, then we hit up a page online where we compare our answers from taking quizzes. i get the impression that she is much more materialistic than I, and not in the brand name sense, but in the overall quality of life -- type deal. or maybe it's her aspiration, she told me that she wants to be a socialite -- i wasn't sure if what she said was a joke or her being serious, though it strikes me as odd, aloof, and entirely unnattractive.
why then did i go to dinner with her? why did I have such a great conversation with her even though our food was never served, and the tepanyaki stove had gone cold, why? i like her company... hmm, i remember mr. wilson asked me before -- eric, do you like being with her, or do you like "being" with her ... the latter implying wanton sex. and only now, I can say I like being with her... i respect her even with her issues, and oddities, i enjoy her opinions, and i dig her looks.
and that is where the flaw is, the issue that makes me smoke cigarettes even though i never smoke, and drink to comatose levels of alcoholism even though i hate the essence of booze... because i'm in love with someone who doesn't love me.
There's a girl I have sort of been seeing for the past few months. I feel as if she is at an unattainable level for me to reach and be on par. She has many qualities that I look for in a friend, lover, and mate. I was amazed at her level of wit that she exercised one night and I believe I have been seduced. When I am in her presence my actions are altered. I don't know why I have such feelings for a girl I have known so shortly. I just know that I have these feelings that feel uneven and mirror a previous relationship I had in highschool. I don't know what it is, or why I am so easily affected by her. Maybe it's her keen wit, her eclectic nature, or her heart stopping looks. Whatever it is about her, it bothers me. I am usually not the one who shows emotion. Though in this case i can't not feel anything. the feelings may be affected by my clouded vision and inability to think clearly. it just feels good with this girl. i sit there and i see her smile and it makes me feel nice and warm inside. makes me feel full, whole. monday afternoon we were supposed to meet up at uhm after my appointment with some school counselors. i got my info, hung out with some friends on campus, and waited around for her... i thought she might have called after class or let me know what was going on or something, so I went and waited around at the student center lounge -- practicing for my test the next day (which I ended up passing). and well, I felt let down. I mean, she knew I was there, but she didn't even call me. I dunno... I ended up leaving and went home on the bus. pretty bummed. i got home took my time going upstairs, deflated. when i got in the door i felt like I needed to talk with someone so i logged on to aim and im'd anyone online. whenever i'm online i feel connected and at peace -- not so lonely when there's millions of people online too. maybe that's why i waste so many hours online... just waiting to connect with someone. even as i type this im's pop up on my screen, and things are needed to get done.
lately i've been worried about my heart. after eating a oily meal i feel a heaviness in my chest. i know it might be bad, but i sometimes wonder if it's just anxiety. i fear going into the doctor and having them tell me that parts of me are broken... that i'm not running as well as I used to, or should. granted i'm only 22 almost 23, but my body's been through some rough situations with sports, booze, drugs, unhealthy food, binge dieting, all that... i'm a ticking time bomb, and my spine is lopsided, my hearing is pretty bad... i'm 30 pounds over weight, and i feel fucking tired.
so this girl... she calls me up around 3:30 and asks if she can use my computer. she says she was in class and that she was working on her project. i felt a little hurt that she would want to come over to use my computer without meeting me at school. when she got to my place , I had a big smile on my face. i was dressed in junk clothes for chillin at home and she shows up with a beigeish gettup... she looked good. she came in and lounged about -- she asked for a beer and i got her one. seems like we never spend time together sober... sounds like a bad sign, but i tend to overlook things when regarding her. i'm such a wimp when i'm around her... i knew from the day i met her that she had my number (cliche) and that she was different from the girls i've been seeing up until then... and it feels like she sensed it... that she knew i was weak. i dunno, me and my suppositions.
so we hang around my apartment and talk story, about this-n-that and all that small talk nonsense, then we hit up a page online where we compare our answers from taking quizzes. i get the impression that she is much more materialistic than I, and not in the brand name sense, but in the overall quality of life -- type deal. or maybe it's her aspiration, she told me that she wants to be a socialite -- i wasn't sure if what she said was a joke or her being serious, though it strikes me as odd, aloof, and entirely unnattractive.
why then did i go to dinner with her? why did I have such a great conversation with her even though our food was never served, and the tepanyaki stove had gone cold, why? i like her company... hmm, i remember mr. wilson asked me before -- eric, do you like being with her, or do you like "being" with her ... the latter implying wanton sex. and only now, I can say I like being with her... i respect her even with her issues, and oddities, i enjoy her opinions, and i dig her looks.
and that is where the flaw is, the issue that makes me smoke cigarettes even though i never smoke, and drink to comatose levels of alcoholism even though i hate the essence of booze... because i'm in love with someone who doesn't love me.