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May 18, 2004 05:18

I awoke this morning with a jolt. Test #2 is scheduled in the next 5 hours and I need to wrap up my studying.

- - - - -

last nights dream was but a tease and eye opener -- a fantasy filled dream showing me my faults and shortcomings in my latest relational fiasco.

apparently my sub-concious still believes there is a chance between sara and I and in my dream we had somehow solidifed our relational status by some unspoken agreement. We made out behind a couch, cuddled up together on the sofa, ran around doing the normal bf/gf stuff.

Near the end of my dream I found myself making jokes with sara's dream-brother, a 5-6 year old boy about the same age as emi-chan's nephew hayato-kun. I approached sara telling her I was hungry, she declined, her father-sitting next to her made no response. So I said to the boy, come on kid. He then told me he forgot his underwear... that became the joke of the conversation. The little kid kept trying to beat me up, as most kids do. I was rolling in laughter.

Now previously in my dream while dream-sara and I made out ehind the couch I was able to elicit distinct contrasts and comparisons between this and an experience I had back in highschool with sheena.

as I took my morning leak I came up with this:

"If the heart and the loins are spaced more than a day apart..."

a hanging condition -- with no apparent conclusion.

basically she and I had never 'done' anything -- and i believe my sub-conscious is allowing the comparison so I can finally learn my lesson.

I do find it challenging to keep either my urges of the heart and urges of the flesh seperated, in fact the two are one in the same... and without one, there is not the other.

if I move further based on this premise, then perhaps the girls, I believe I am so in love with, are merely vehicles for some other purpose. not to objectify their existence, but the comparison's i've made between the two are very striking and -- hell probably all in my head, shit.

i don't allow myself the freedom of letting go ... am calculating when things come close to me caring ... and resentful when I am hurt. how childish, selfish, and as if i am entitled to a perfect existence... bleh.
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