(no subject)
I was doing pretty good for a while. I became my own therapist, talking myself through everything. Putting everything into words helped make them clear, and that's what I was doing. Clarifying things, how I felt about them, maybe why they happened, what I wanted the outcome to be, and therefore what the best way to react was. And then how and why I was reacting that way, and why that was the best option, reassuring myself I was doing the right thing and not giving too much of myself up or whatever else. I was doing good, I was becoming more positive, dealing with things better, I was more energetic because I felt good about everything around me. I had come to terms with the things I don't like, begun to accept them, that that's the way they are and that it wont change so I can either make it harder or easier on myself. Once I accepted that, I was able to deal with those things better, take better hold and control of them, rather than them controling me and making me upset all the time. That's another thing, I lowered my expectations, so that I wouldn't be quite so often or easily disappointed. I came to expect less so that if something did go nicely, it was a nice surprise, but if it didn't, I wasn't upset and sulking. I just accepted the way things were and kept on going. That doesn't mean I gave anything up, on the contrary I took better control of my own emotions which is a huge win. I wanted to write it all down at the time, my new concepts and new way of thinking. I wish I had. As a reference. As a reminder should I fall back out. I never got around to it. I fell back out. Now I sulk again. I'm disappointed, and I'm sad, and I don't stop thinking about... what if...which is the worst question because it has no straight and clear answers. I can't focus, I have no energy to do anything. Back to that place I hate. I liked the clarity and like the control I had when I was able to talk myself through things. I was being my own therapist and I was doing a good job at it. However I can't just jump back into that, being my own therapist, because what I feel right now is too overwhelming. It takes over. Unfortunately. If I ever get back to where I was, that good place, where I had my shit together and I was able to counsel myself, I'll have to write it all down. How I feel, how I'm thinking, how I got there. I hope I get back there soon.