wednesday
Writing. Self censoring. I very much self censor my writing and have for many years now. Censor in both online journaling (here) and in my paper journal (the Everything Books) though I do have some notebook journals that I throw away after I write in them. They are full of crap and complaints and secrets and dumb thoughts. But I was thinking about it this morning. I've not been showing anyone the REAL me or saving it to have anyone understand me later if they did want to. My secrets and complaints and dumb but convoluted thoughts ARE me. When Nancy was here yesterday I read her something I had written the day before. A rambling free write. It was good. Or at least I liked it. I used to write more of my "thoughts" down. Free write stuff. I want to do that more and lately I have, using the newish book in the photo above. I feel renewed in my writing lately. So what if someday my kids (if they even save my journals and read them - they probably won't) find out some stuff they didn't already know about me? What's the big secret? I'm human? I'm ordinary? I'm like them? I have thoughts, fears and loves? I think I've gotten to the point where we're all adults now and I don't have to be "mother" to anyone anymore. I'm just another adult in their lives and maybe we'd all like to get to know each other better.
Feeling lighter lately. More accepting of myself. May. It is MAY. My favorite month. I think my mood is lifting higher each day. I'm feeling more and more like me and thinking "me" is alright...
Called my cousin Rosie last night. It's a 3 hour time difference and I forget to call her when it might be a good time but last evening it seemed right to call and I did. She's coming in late June with her youngest son and his family to bury the ashes of her other son Louis in an Oil City cemetery next to his father's grave. I wrote about Louis a while ago - he had the wonderful "art house" that he had worked on for many years then he died suddenly and the house sold. So there will be a reunion in a little over a month of lots of people from that side of the family. I'm not much for groups of people AT ALL. My heart sank when I heard it. But I'm going to buck up and get brave for dealing with a group of people. Work to get my heart tuned to LOVE. I do love Rosie. But I don't know the rest of her family (hardly) at all or her former husband's family so they will be like meeting strangers. I guess that's the rub for me. Meeting new people. Blaa. Maybe I'll take some CBD oil beforehand.
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Here's a picture I took last night. Rocks that Dave collected from the lake next door when we take our walks there. He was saving them for a project and put them into an old milk crate. The crate wasn't strong enough to hold the weight and here's the result.