thursday
Worthiness. Thinking about that a lot right now. The thing I wrote yesterday about my music lessons and piano practice, ("Making sounds that then evaporate into the air. I have nothing to show for it afterwards. If I was better I could perform and make people happy with my music. But all I can do is please myself. It all seems so selfish.") got me thinking. I really must have a problem about feeling unworthy if I worry about the time I "waste" on playing the piano so much. Feeling like what I do needs to be "productive" and benefiting others in some way for it to be worthwhile. But for the average person how much of their time is spent benefiting others (or making money to support themselves and their families) and how much time is devoted to just pleasing themselves? Yes, I do spend a certain amount of time every day doing household chores and driving family members places, making food, cleaning house, even taking care of myself (which is something that needs done too) - doesn't that give me the right to entertain myself in the way I choose? Does my whole day have to be about doing for others? I was given a catholic religious start in life. It was drummed into me that doing things for yourself is selfish and everything you do should be for others. Put others first, before yourself in everything. I can remember in one lesson that I was supposed to make a string of 10 beads and carry it around with me all day. Every time I did something good (for someone else) I was supposed to move a bead to the other side and if I did something selfish I should move it back. I never, ever got my 10 beads moved to the other side. Now I can see my life in a different way. Now I see that if I can keep my mouth shut when I might want to prove someone wrong I have earned moving a bead, or if I catch someone's eye and smile at them I can move a bead; if I don't get mad when someone does me a wrong, if I hold the cat (or a child) on my lap for as long as she wants I've done a good deed. Maybe playing the piano is a good deed that I do for myself. I count too. Just being happy, making oneself happy is a gift to the world. Then there will be one more happy thing here on earth.
Enough of that...
It snowed last night. There is about a half inch of snow on the ground this morning. Jan and I will be hiking today. Don't know where we will go yet.
Last night I changed my music lesson to every other week. Luckily my teacher already had a person who takes a lesson every other week so she easily fitted me in to the off week. Now my lesson will be on Thursday at 11:30 instead of Wednesday at 5:30. That will cramp some of my hiking time but I'll see if I can work around it with summer coming. I'm looking forward to evening hiking with Rainy.
Frosty infrared tree.
Blackbird. The trees beside the driveway are full of redwing blackbirds right now. So much singing.