NaBloPoMo post 5: Dynamic Tension
I've gotten some feedback that's encouraging me to dwell on polyamory. I'd considered a post about crashing and burning, all about the end of my polyamorous relationships. But I think I'll go back a little further to the canary in the coal mine.
Besides that one poly quad, the relationships I've been in were and are triads or vees: most of them, me with two men. The few scant studies they've done on polyamory have shown that a woman and two men are the most common form. In every such triad I've had, the men know each other but are uninvolved physically or romantically. I've also been in a triad where Coyote was the central figure, dating two women who were also uninvolved. And in our poly quad, there were hetero pairings only: each man was dating two women, each woman dating two men.
But in all of these combinations, one thing remains true. The relationship of the nonsexual pair is what stabilizes the whole structure.
This has been the most perplexing and frustrating aspect of polyamory, for me. Women in our culture are socialized to distrust each other, to see other women as rivals and enemies, and that's even before adding in the tensions of romantic bonds. I've always found it easier to be friends with men, who often shared my interests and philosophies (food/sleep/sex/fun good, focusing on physical appearance to the detriment of all else bad). The Sex and the City-type women of the world have a leg up on me here.
The first girlfriend-of-an-SO I had to work with was one of my best friends in the world. And coincidentally, I'd just started dating another! I thought it was going to be amazing, I thought that poly quad was going to last decades.
But I quickly found myself getting annoyed with her. We'd spend every weekend together, all four of us, and that was just too much time to be cooped up near her. We started a fight over email that got vicious, quick, and couldn't manage to resolve it. We coldly ended our friendship just months after the poly quad started, but continued to date each others' boyfriend. As you can guess, that put a lot of strain on the guys. Eventually, that strain and other issues piled up and broke all of the bonds except the original pairs.
It was many years later that Coyote got a girlfriend, and I thought I'd do it completely differently. I'd keep her at arm's length, stay distant, stay acquaintances. If I barely saw her and barely knew her, I wouldn't have that issue of being too close to her, right?
Well, yes, but it still wasn't ideal. When you barely know someone, all you know about their personality and self is the broad strokes. A cartoon, one-dimensional and therefore easy to twist into what'll match your feelings. I felt very threatened by her, perhaps justifiably. She did very nearly give Coyote a "is it her or me?" ultimatum when they were breaking up.
That breakup was long ago, now Coyote's got a new love interest. I'm going to work hard to find the middle path, this time. Neither try to be her best friend, nor keep her at arm's reach. Be a friend, cultivate that friendship as a separate thing from our relationships with Coyote, but don't force things. Let it bloom naturally.
That's what I'm trying to do when it comes to Coyote and Tiger's friendship. They don't have much in common (besides food and some history), but whenever I'm in another room and hear them talking, my heart bounces into my throat. Were I to rush in and squee at them, they'd both roll their eyes and snark at me. Which is funny in its own right, but still- no forcing. Let that bloom, too.
A few days ago, Coyote playfully pushed me down the hall. Tiger's fascinated by interactions like that, since I don't let him do so to me, much. "Do it again!" crowed Tiger.
Never one to stay predictable, Coyote obliged- and playfully pushed Tiger. We all laughed warmly.
I think that's a healthy flower right there.
Er, sorry! Manly man-plant of manliness! Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors or an Ent or something.
Besides that one poly quad, the relationships I've been in were and are triads or vees: most of them, me with two men. The few scant studies they've done on polyamory have shown that a woman and two men are the most common form. In every such triad I've had, the men know each other but are uninvolved physically or romantically. I've also been in a triad where Coyote was the central figure, dating two women who were also uninvolved. And in our poly quad, there were hetero pairings only: each man was dating two women, each woman dating two men.
But in all of these combinations, one thing remains true. The relationship of the nonsexual pair is what stabilizes the whole structure.
This has been the most perplexing and frustrating aspect of polyamory, for me. Women in our culture are socialized to distrust each other, to see other women as rivals and enemies, and that's even before adding in the tensions of romantic bonds. I've always found it easier to be friends with men, who often shared my interests and philosophies (food/sleep/sex/fun good, focusing on physical appearance to the detriment of all else bad). The Sex and the City-type women of the world have a leg up on me here.
The first girlfriend-of-an-SO I had to work with was one of my best friends in the world. And coincidentally, I'd just started dating another! I thought it was going to be amazing, I thought that poly quad was going to last decades.
But I quickly found myself getting annoyed with her. We'd spend every weekend together, all four of us, and that was just too much time to be cooped up near her. We started a fight over email that got vicious, quick, and couldn't manage to resolve it. We coldly ended our friendship just months after the poly quad started, but continued to date each others' boyfriend. As you can guess, that put a lot of strain on the guys. Eventually, that strain and other issues piled up and broke all of the bonds except the original pairs.
It was many years later that Coyote got a girlfriend, and I thought I'd do it completely differently. I'd keep her at arm's length, stay distant, stay acquaintances. If I barely saw her and barely knew her, I wouldn't have that issue of being too close to her, right?
Well, yes, but it still wasn't ideal. When you barely know someone, all you know about their personality and self is the broad strokes. A cartoon, one-dimensional and therefore easy to twist into what'll match your feelings. I felt very threatened by her, perhaps justifiably. She did very nearly give Coyote a "is it her or me?" ultimatum when they were breaking up.
That breakup was long ago, now Coyote's got a new love interest. I'm going to work hard to find the middle path, this time. Neither try to be her best friend, nor keep her at arm's reach. Be a friend, cultivate that friendship as a separate thing from our relationships with Coyote, but don't force things. Let it bloom naturally.
That's what I'm trying to do when it comes to Coyote and Tiger's friendship. They don't have much in common (besides food and some history), but whenever I'm in another room and hear them talking, my heart bounces into my throat. Were I to rush in and squee at them, they'd both roll their eyes and snark at me. Which is funny in its own right, but still- no forcing. Let that bloom, too.
A few days ago, Coyote playfully pushed me down the hall. Tiger's fascinated by interactions like that, since I don't let him do so to me, much. "Do it again!" crowed Tiger.
Never one to stay predictable, Coyote obliged- and playfully pushed Tiger. We all laughed warmly.
I think that's a healthy flower right there.
Er, sorry! Manly man-plant of manliness! Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors or an Ent or something.