NaBloPoMo post 4: Hey, Jealousy
It seems that what baffles monogamous people most about polyamory is the issue of jealousy. So tonight I'm going to talk a little about that. It's the biggest culture shift: movies about monogamous romance grapple enormous amounts of jealousy over the mere suggestion of a love interest having interest in another.
So how can one manage jealousy in a relationship of three or more?
I've heard some poly people say that they just don't get jealous at all, they're not wired that way. In the place of jealousy, they feel compersion, a warmth and joy at seeing their loved one being happy with another. I definitely feel compersion, there's a photo on our fridge of a close friend of mine in a tent with Coyote. I look at it and feel the same glow I always had about that couple.
But I am susceptible to jealousy too, and I think most people are.
The thing to remember is that jealousy isn't an emotion that you have to just sit there and sulk through. It's almost always your psyche calling attention to something you lack. "Ugh, I hate that they're on a date night!" if you sift through that, you might well find the base need is, "I feel like it's been a long time since he's taken me out on the town". And so on for other emotional and physical needs.
Polyamory takes a huge amount of communication, between all partners. It's good to realize that what you're aching for is a date with your Primary, say, but then you need to be able to tell him so. Polyamory breaks down when that essential communication falls off, which is why studies have shown that polyamorous people are better at "checking in" and all-around communication skills than monogamous folks. We have to be, it's vital to our way of life.
The most treacherous time for poly relationships is when a new partner comes into the fold. Hence why I was so glad I could give an advance early warning, the last time I saw it approaching. There's about three months of any relationship where you feel the butterflies all the time. Everything is extra shiny and happy, you're twitterpated! Poly folk call that "NRE", which stands for New Relationship Energy.
When you have a new partner, it is so easy to focus nearly all your attention on them, to the detriment of older relationships. It takes conscious effort to pull back from the heady brain chemicals and reassure those other partners that you do not love them any less. They, in turn, need to be patient and know that NRE is temporary. In a matter of months, it will be easy to divide your attention more equitably once more.
I've not been perfect with that, but we all learn as we grow.
A few years ago, I was involved with someone very active in the local LARP groups. I let him sweep me away to a different combination of LARPs every weekend, and basically was his lover on the weekends, my Primary and long-distance's lover during the week.
I'm kind of disgusted, thinking back on that. Every fucking weekend is way, way too much to be leaving Coyote alone. I may be overcorrecting now, but Tiger luckily has a great deal of time off while Coyote's at work, and can easily visit me. So we do get plenty of alonetime, even though I rarely sleep in his bed. We sometimes have long naps in my bed, so we're not even deficient in sleep-together time.
There's no one catch-all answer to managing jealousy. I think of it like cutting grass. Try to mow it before it grows into an ungainly jungle. You're going to have to keep doing it, even when you're exhausted or it's raining on the best mowing day. And you have to maintain the right environment, so that everybody's comfortable taking the mower for a spin- er, my metaphor may be fraying here. But it's just as important that I check in with Coyote and Tiger as it is that they tell me when something's bothering them about each other or the whole arrangement.
I tend to attract monogamous partners, for whatever reason. I'm their first polyamorous experience. But Coyote's grown into it so well, and Tiger feels giant gushes of compersion. Seriously, seeing me kiss Coyote or even mention something sweet he does is enough to get a giant grin on Tiger's face. He's so happy that someone else makes me happy too- and that's the best part of polyamory, when it's working well.
Maybe tomorrow I'll tell you about crashing and burning polyamorous times, or move on to gender, kink, or something else. Feel free to comment here or in the FaceBook post, I'm open to suggestions and I'd love to answer any questions you might have.
So how can one manage jealousy in a relationship of three or more?
I've heard some poly people say that they just don't get jealous at all, they're not wired that way. In the place of jealousy, they feel compersion, a warmth and joy at seeing their loved one being happy with another. I definitely feel compersion, there's a photo on our fridge of a close friend of mine in a tent with Coyote. I look at it and feel the same glow I always had about that couple.
But I am susceptible to jealousy too, and I think most people are.
The thing to remember is that jealousy isn't an emotion that you have to just sit there and sulk through. It's almost always your psyche calling attention to something you lack. "Ugh, I hate that they're on a date night!" if you sift through that, you might well find the base need is, "I feel like it's been a long time since he's taken me out on the town". And so on for other emotional and physical needs.
Polyamory takes a huge amount of communication, between all partners. It's good to realize that what you're aching for is a date with your Primary, say, but then you need to be able to tell him so. Polyamory breaks down when that essential communication falls off, which is why studies have shown that polyamorous people are better at "checking in" and all-around communication skills than monogamous folks. We have to be, it's vital to our way of life.
The most treacherous time for poly relationships is when a new partner comes into the fold. Hence why I was so glad I could give an advance early warning, the last time I saw it approaching. There's about three months of any relationship where you feel the butterflies all the time. Everything is extra shiny and happy, you're twitterpated! Poly folk call that "NRE", which stands for New Relationship Energy.
When you have a new partner, it is so easy to focus nearly all your attention on them, to the detriment of older relationships. It takes conscious effort to pull back from the heady brain chemicals and reassure those other partners that you do not love them any less. They, in turn, need to be patient and know that NRE is temporary. In a matter of months, it will be easy to divide your attention more equitably once more.
I've not been perfect with that, but we all learn as we grow.
A few years ago, I was involved with someone very active in the local LARP groups. I let him sweep me away to a different combination of LARPs every weekend, and basically was his lover on the weekends, my Primary and long-distance's lover during the week.
I'm kind of disgusted, thinking back on that. Every fucking weekend is way, way too much to be leaving Coyote alone. I may be overcorrecting now, but Tiger luckily has a great deal of time off while Coyote's at work, and can easily visit me. So we do get plenty of alonetime, even though I rarely sleep in his bed. We sometimes have long naps in my bed, so we're not even deficient in sleep-together time.
There's no one catch-all answer to managing jealousy. I think of it like cutting grass. Try to mow it before it grows into an ungainly jungle. You're going to have to keep doing it, even when you're exhausted or it's raining on the best mowing day. And you have to maintain the right environment, so that everybody's comfortable taking the mower for a spin- er, my metaphor may be fraying here. But it's just as important that I check in with Coyote and Tiger as it is that they tell me when something's bothering them about each other or the whole arrangement.
I tend to attract monogamous partners, for whatever reason. I'm their first polyamorous experience. But Coyote's grown into it so well, and Tiger feels giant gushes of compersion. Seriously, seeing me kiss Coyote or even mention something sweet he does is enough to get a giant grin on Tiger's face. He's so happy that someone else makes me happy too- and that's the best part of polyamory, when it's working well.
Maybe tomorrow I'll tell you about crashing and burning polyamorous times, or move on to gender, kink, or something else. Feel free to comment here or in the FaceBook post, I'm open to suggestions and I'd love to answer any questions you might have.