NaBloPoMo post 6: Closets for Days
I am a bisexual polyamorous kinky feminist genderless person who is Pagan, Jewish, and Episcopalian.
Well, now! That's one sentence that encapsulates just about all I wanted to say over the course of this whole month. I guess I can stop now. The relief of even just putting those words in this textbox, knowing they'll be out in the world in a matter of minutes, is palpable.
That's the joy of coming out, that's why prominent members of the LGBT community have spent so many decades encouraging everybody to share who they are with their friends and family. Coming out of the closet is a rite of passage for queer youth, one wrapped in excitement and pride.
Coming out as a bisexual, that's something I did a long time ago. In 1994/5, to be precise, my sophmore year of college. Shortly after becoming certain I was bi, I told my close friends and then my brother, when he visited me. He looked kind of uncomfortable in that, "I'm supposed to be totally cool with this and am really trying hard to get there, but . . . gah! My own sister?" But he settled down and was warm and supportive.
Then a few months later, I'd just come home from NYC Pride, to find my parents watching In & Out, a Kevin Kline movie about a guy who's struggling to come out of the closet. There would be no more perfect moment! As soon as the credits rolled, I leaped up and proudly declared, "In the spirit of Pride month and all, I need to say- I'm bi!"
My mom laughed, and my dad said, "Well, your brother was a little concerned at first . . ." so, they'd known for months already. They were completely supportive, as I knew they'd be.
Coming out is a lifelong process, though. You're always meeting new people who don't know that essential fact about you. And as you grow, you might find that there are other aspects of yourself that might also need sharing. When is it right to come out to new folks? Who gets to know what parts of you?
So much of it is a matter of personal comfort. I know someone who told her parents she was kinky shortly after she entered the BDSM scene, and came out as polyamorous as soon as she started a strong relationship with her first partner other than her Primary. I admire her bravery!
I've been grappling with whether or not to come out to my parents as poly for only two or three years. (Coming out as kinky seems silly, I don't discuss my sex life with my parents. Coming out as genderless or the two-extra-religions thing would just confuse them, and isn't necessary to my well-being.) It's not the same as 1995, when I was living with them whenever college wasn't in session. They live on the other side of the country, we call and email rarely, and they visit for less than a week, once a year. They're far from part of my everyday life, and even back when they were closer, I didn't see the point of telling them until I was living with other lovers besides my Primary husband.
I grappled with it really hard two months ago, just before their annual visit. Something about Tiger feels different. I happily met his parents and sister, several times now. And even had dinner with his grandpa and step-grandma! Shouldn't he meet my parents, too?
Coyote counseled me to hold off, on the grounds that there's so much I don't talk to my parents about. Do I want to open the doors to criticism of so much of my private life? I agreed, and did my best to reassure Tiger that he wasn't being hidden away from anyone who was very important to me.
Let me put things another way. In the Pagan community, there are a lot of people who will basically meet you, learn your name, and then tell you that they're an Avatar of Hecate, granted her full powers on Earth, and guided by Anubis and Kali, who also power their magic. It's difficult to take that amount of ego seriously, even for me. But also, wouldn't it be more appropriate to introduce yourself to a stranger as someone interested in the Greek, Egyptian, and Indian pantheons? Is it necessary to be so in-your-face as you describe yourself? When are you bordering on obnoxiousness?
That's the difficulty, that's the line I'm constantly walking.
What's appropriate where, and how much do I share?
By default, I share little, I listen and wait until I feel comfortable.
That means that wherever I am, there's a little checklist going on in my head as I'm talking to people, and it changes as the topic of conversation does. Oh hey, they just mentioned strap-ons in a joke, should I share my knowledge of strap-ons or just laugh?
I'm surrounded by sixtysomething women in my choir rehearsal now, are they interested in learning more about how women have sex with each other or should I let them idly wonder?
Someone just said "that's kinky" when standing up on a bed was mentioned. Is this a good time to talk about Trampling? I'm in a chatroom filled with intelligent and curious roleplayers, so sure!
My general policy is that I don't go around with the conversational equivalent of giant placards announcing all my current labels. But I will not hesitate to educate people who seem genuinely open to new knowledge in one of my various deviancies.
I guess I don't really think of myself as closeted, because I'm quite eager to open up about myself. If I am in any closets, their doors are open and I feel comfortable walking in and out of them. The only exception to this is polyamory: when I'm hanging around with Coyote and Tiger and Coyote's coworkers, say, I do less PDA with Tiger. I'd do the same with Coyote, if I was hanging around Tiger and his coworkers or family. There are cultural taboos in place that would take a lot of effort on my part to explain why they don't apply to us. Again, when that kind of teaching just starts coming out of me unasked, isn't that bordering on the obnoxious? I'd rather everyone stay comfortable, even if that means supporting minor illusions.
As a side note, it's well known that someone who is a deviant in one aspect of society will often be a deviant in many. There's a group here on Livejournal dedicated to bisexual, pagan, kinky, polyamorous, gamer/roleplayer geeks. It's exciting how often all of those interests/persuasions overlap. If you change bisexual to queer and pagan to non-Christian, you'll find even more people who very happily fall into that eclectic umbrella.
Well, now! That's one sentence that encapsulates just about all I wanted to say over the course of this whole month. I guess I can stop now. The relief of even just putting those words in this textbox, knowing they'll be out in the world in a matter of minutes, is palpable.
That's the joy of coming out, that's why prominent members of the LGBT community have spent so many decades encouraging everybody to share who they are with their friends and family. Coming out of the closet is a rite of passage for queer youth, one wrapped in excitement and pride.
Coming out as a bisexual, that's something I did a long time ago. In 1994/5, to be precise, my sophmore year of college. Shortly after becoming certain I was bi, I told my close friends and then my brother, when he visited me. He looked kind of uncomfortable in that, "I'm supposed to be totally cool with this and am really trying hard to get there, but . . . gah! My own sister?" But he settled down and was warm and supportive.
Then a few months later, I'd just come home from NYC Pride, to find my parents watching In & Out, a Kevin Kline movie about a guy who's struggling to come out of the closet. There would be no more perfect moment! As soon as the credits rolled, I leaped up and proudly declared, "In the spirit of Pride month and all, I need to say- I'm bi!"
My mom laughed, and my dad said, "Well, your brother was a little concerned at first . . ." so, they'd known for months already. They were completely supportive, as I knew they'd be.
Coming out is a lifelong process, though. You're always meeting new people who don't know that essential fact about you. And as you grow, you might find that there are other aspects of yourself that might also need sharing. When is it right to come out to new folks? Who gets to know what parts of you?
So much of it is a matter of personal comfort. I know someone who told her parents she was kinky shortly after she entered the BDSM scene, and came out as polyamorous as soon as she started a strong relationship with her first partner other than her Primary. I admire her bravery!
I've been grappling with whether or not to come out to my parents as poly for only two or three years. (Coming out as kinky seems silly, I don't discuss my sex life with my parents. Coming out as genderless or the two-extra-religions thing would just confuse them, and isn't necessary to my well-being.) It's not the same as 1995, when I was living with them whenever college wasn't in session. They live on the other side of the country, we call and email rarely, and they visit for less than a week, once a year. They're far from part of my everyday life, and even back when they were closer, I didn't see the point of telling them until I was living with other lovers besides my Primary husband.
I grappled with it really hard two months ago, just before their annual visit. Something about Tiger feels different. I happily met his parents and sister, several times now. And even had dinner with his grandpa and step-grandma! Shouldn't he meet my parents, too?
Coyote counseled me to hold off, on the grounds that there's so much I don't talk to my parents about. Do I want to open the doors to criticism of so much of my private life? I agreed, and did my best to reassure Tiger that he wasn't being hidden away from anyone who was very important to me.
Let me put things another way. In the Pagan community, there are a lot of people who will basically meet you, learn your name, and then tell you that they're an Avatar of Hecate, granted her full powers on Earth, and guided by Anubis and Kali, who also power their magic. It's difficult to take that amount of ego seriously, even for me. But also, wouldn't it be more appropriate to introduce yourself to a stranger as someone interested in the Greek, Egyptian, and Indian pantheons? Is it necessary to be so in-your-face as you describe yourself? When are you bordering on obnoxiousness?
That's the difficulty, that's the line I'm constantly walking.
What's appropriate where, and how much do I share?
By default, I share little, I listen and wait until I feel comfortable.
That means that wherever I am, there's a little checklist going on in my head as I'm talking to people, and it changes as the topic of conversation does. Oh hey, they just mentioned strap-ons in a joke, should I share my knowledge of strap-ons or just laugh?
I'm surrounded by sixtysomething women in my choir rehearsal now, are they interested in learning more about how women have sex with each other or should I let them idly wonder?
Someone just said "that's kinky" when standing up on a bed was mentioned. Is this a good time to talk about Trampling? I'm in a chatroom filled with intelligent and curious roleplayers, so sure!
My general policy is that I don't go around with the conversational equivalent of giant placards announcing all my current labels. But I will not hesitate to educate people who seem genuinely open to new knowledge in one of my various deviancies.
I guess I don't really think of myself as closeted, because I'm quite eager to open up about myself. If I am in any closets, their doors are open and I feel comfortable walking in and out of them. The only exception to this is polyamory: when I'm hanging around with Coyote and Tiger and Coyote's coworkers, say, I do less PDA with Tiger. I'd do the same with Coyote, if I was hanging around Tiger and his coworkers or family. There are cultural taboos in place that would take a lot of effort on my part to explain why they don't apply to us. Again, when that kind of teaching just starts coming out of me unasked, isn't that bordering on the obnoxious? I'd rather everyone stay comfortable, even if that means supporting minor illusions.
As a side note, it's well known that someone who is a deviant in one aspect of society will often be a deviant in many. There's a group here on Livejournal dedicated to bisexual, pagan, kinky, polyamorous, gamer/roleplayer geeks. It's exciting how often all of those interests/persuasions overlap. If you change bisexual to queer and pagan to non-Christian, you'll find even more people who very happily fall into that eclectic umbrella.