NaBloPoMo post 3: Dramatis Personae & Polyamory 101
Every play begins with Dramatis Personae, a cast of characters and a short description of each. It seems fitting to do the same, so that the new readers can become familiar with the people I speak about here. At the same time, I'm not going to fully crack their anonymity. Anonymity is just an illusion on the modern internet, but it's a helpful one.
Coyote: My husband of many years, whom I've been in a relationship with since September 20, 1995. 20th anniversary next year, my goodness! He's Australian and shares many of my values: fellow hippie, fellow roleplayer, fellow liberal, fellow bibliophile, fellow introvert. I seem to only date historians seriously, and his specialty is Ancient Rome. Specifically the Ceasars. He's quite a good self-taught home cook, too.
Tiger: My boyfriend of one whole year and eight days. My submissive of a good month or more longer, and I collared him nine days ago. He is my opposite in many things: conservative, ex-military, lover of guns, extrovert, fast in all the ways I am slow. An Elfquest quote keeps coming to mind whenever I'm bemused at that, "Differences make good sparks". His area of historical expertise is World War II, and he's a trained chef.
Rat: His name is Mr. Martin Vandemar, he's a hooded rat. Grey head, splatters of grey down his back, the rest of him white-furred. He had a brother named Mr. Mac Croup, but alas, the friendlier brother left us early.
I have many friends, a recent ex, and Coyote has a current love interest. But the creatures I cuddle have all been introduced, and that's all I find necessary.
The revelation that I have a boyfriend as well as a husband will probably not surprise many of those new pairs of eyes. I've been trotting Tiger out to most of the social events I've attended this year, and I don't curb my usual snuggles and kisses.
Most of you will probably have heard of Polyamory before. But I don't want to assume anything, so here's a quick rundown.
Well actually, if you'd rather get an explanation in FAQ form, this is an excellent read: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html
Essentially, Polyamory is a form of nonmonogamy where affection, and even love, is expected. It differs from swinging and open marriage in that it's not, by default, one central couple and their just-for-fun flings. There's not necessarily a central couple, but lovers are expected to have an emotional as well as a physical connection.
But within that vague structure are hundreds of ways one can actually practice polyamory. I think of it as a spectrum (as I do sexual orientation, gender, and many other things). On one end of that spectrum are the gigantic poly Tribes that look like a joyous free-for-all, but also a cause of much strife. Close to the other end are polifidelitous people like my little triad.
Polyfidelity is a closed relationship structure, much like traditional monogamy. In my case, it's not "we three are together and we will date nobody else, ever ever!" but more like, "we're happy with our current setup, but can reconfigure in any direction, as long as we discuss it in depth first".
Thus, when I went to a small beach party in August of 2013 and met a cute, bouncy submissive boy, I told my two partners that I was attracted to someone new. They both (wisely) chuckled at me, since they knew most of my crushes aren't returned and fizzle out. But that wasn't so, and they got a warning long in advance of Tiger and I becoming physical.
Generally, we like to discuss new partners and settle into the idea in those tender few days after first kisses but before sex happens, in any form.
We do happen to have a central couple: Coyote and I are Primaries. We live together and check in with each other regularly. I share a bed with him almost every night, doing sleepovers with Tiger once a month or so. That may change if Tiger moves within easy busing distance, or we get a car, but it's comfortable for now.
Some polyamorous groups are made of people who are all lovers together: we are not. Coyote and Tiger have developed a gentle friendship, no more. But I wouldn't expect Coyote to ever be attracted to a boyfriend, he's mainly into women.
Coyote and I have been polyamorous since nearly the beginning. We had only two and a half months to date before my semester in Australia ended, and were reduced to writing letters from opposite sides of the world. It never occurred to us to demand fidelity. Quite the opposite, we'd share intimate details and use them as wanking material!
When Coyote visited me for the second and permanent time, I had just started dating someone else. That guy was half of another longterm couple, and so the four of us fell into a polyamorous quad quite easily. That's where we made our newbie mistakes. I made some terrible ones that began to dissolve the bonds just months after we started.
Since that ended, it's been Coyote or I with a side relationship. Only for the past six months or so have we once again had overlapping ones. I think it's a good thing, there's less loneliness and more balance.
I have so much more to discuss about polyamory, but I really must save it for another day, my thoughts are beginning to fray and ramble. Hope you're all having a good first Monday of November.
Coyote: My husband of many years, whom I've been in a relationship with since September 20, 1995. 20th anniversary next year, my goodness! He's Australian and shares many of my values: fellow hippie, fellow roleplayer, fellow liberal, fellow bibliophile, fellow introvert. I seem to only date historians seriously, and his specialty is Ancient Rome. Specifically the Ceasars. He's quite a good self-taught home cook, too.
Tiger: My boyfriend of one whole year and eight days. My submissive of a good month or more longer, and I collared him nine days ago. He is my opposite in many things: conservative, ex-military, lover of guns, extrovert, fast in all the ways I am slow. An Elfquest quote keeps coming to mind whenever I'm bemused at that, "Differences make good sparks". His area of historical expertise is World War II, and he's a trained chef.
Rat: His name is Mr. Martin Vandemar, he's a hooded rat. Grey head, splatters of grey down his back, the rest of him white-furred. He had a brother named Mr. Mac Croup, but alas, the friendlier brother left us early.
I have many friends, a recent ex, and Coyote has a current love interest. But the creatures I cuddle have all been introduced, and that's all I find necessary.
The revelation that I have a boyfriend as well as a husband will probably not surprise many of those new pairs of eyes. I've been trotting Tiger out to most of the social events I've attended this year, and I don't curb my usual snuggles and kisses.
Most of you will probably have heard of Polyamory before. But I don't want to assume anything, so here's a quick rundown.
Well actually, if you'd rather get an explanation in FAQ form, this is an excellent read: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html
Essentially, Polyamory is a form of nonmonogamy where affection, and even love, is expected. It differs from swinging and open marriage in that it's not, by default, one central couple and their just-for-fun flings. There's not necessarily a central couple, but lovers are expected to have an emotional as well as a physical connection.
But within that vague structure are hundreds of ways one can actually practice polyamory. I think of it as a spectrum (as I do sexual orientation, gender, and many other things). On one end of that spectrum are the gigantic poly Tribes that look like a joyous free-for-all, but also a cause of much strife. Close to the other end are polifidelitous people like my little triad.
Polyfidelity is a closed relationship structure, much like traditional monogamy. In my case, it's not "we three are together and we will date nobody else, ever ever!" but more like, "we're happy with our current setup, but can reconfigure in any direction, as long as we discuss it in depth first".
Thus, when I went to a small beach party in August of 2013 and met a cute, bouncy submissive boy, I told my two partners that I was attracted to someone new. They both (wisely) chuckled at me, since they knew most of my crushes aren't returned and fizzle out. But that wasn't so, and they got a warning long in advance of Tiger and I becoming physical.
Generally, we like to discuss new partners and settle into the idea in those tender few days after first kisses but before sex happens, in any form.
We do happen to have a central couple: Coyote and I are Primaries. We live together and check in with each other regularly. I share a bed with him almost every night, doing sleepovers with Tiger once a month or so. That may change if Tiger moves within easy busing distance, or we get a car, but it's comfortable for now.
Some polyamorous groups are made of people who are all lovers together: we are not. Coyote and Tiger have developed a gentle friendship, no more. But I wouldn't expect Coyote to ever be attracted to a boyfriend, he's mainly into women.
Coyote and I have been polyamorous since nearly the beginning. We had only two and a half months to date before my semester in Australia ended, and were reduced to writing letters from opposite sides of the world. It never occurred to us to demand fidelity. Quite the opposite, we'd share intimate details and use them as wanking material!
When Coyote visited me for the second and permanent time, I had just started dating someone else. That guy was half of another longterm couple, and so the four of us fell into a polyamorous quad quite easily. That's where we made our newbie mistakes. I made some terrible ones that began to dissolve the bonds just months after we started.
Since that ended, it's been Coyote or I with a side relationship. Only for the past six months or so have we once again had overlapping ones. I think it's a good thing, there's less loneliness and more balance.
I have so much more to discuss about polyamory, but I really must save it for another day, my thoughts are beginning to fray and ramble. Hope you're all having a good first Monday of November.