I can see where you are coming from in the 'no one says no' thing, often times the time and place is not appropriate for an extended discussion of how you are feeling. Though I think the phrase still has value sometimes. It's a statement of concern. Obviously if you just did something physically wrong, like a mis step or even a fall, to see if you need help getting up or to a chair, but also if you are sitting down and not talking much, depends on the person and how well you know them, an offer to have company for a dance or so.
I disagree (with explanation). If one is concerned, state said concern. "Are you OK?" is far too common & ambivalent. It hardly shows concern anymore, as Christophe points out below, since it's as commonly used as "How're you doing?"
Even a physical action (though not what I'm really talking about) isn't the place for it - case: If I'm indeed "ok" after a fall, then well, I'm ok, and it doesn't matter. If I've broken my leg, you're sure as hell going to know, weather you ask the question or not.
I don't read "are you OK?" to mean "Do you want to sit out this dance and chat?", and honestly, I don't know who does.
Thanks for pointing out the parts that needed further explanation.
"Are you OK?" after a fall, stumble, whatever, really means "do you need help?". Sure, if you're leg is broken, or you're in severe pain, you (and most other people), will tell people around you. But if you're not sure, or maybe just want a hand up and someone to balance on for a moment before going on, that's not always obvious.
When it's asked in an emotional context, it's more loaded, and I agree that it's a lousy question, because then the person being asked has to answer "yes", which is probably not really true (most people pick up on really down emotional states with some degree of accuracy), or "no, and I don't want to talk about it", which feels rude, or "no, and let me tell you all about my father who died today".
I'll have to take you biking up in the berkeley/oakland hills sometime. There are amazing views from up there, and coming down clairmont at full speed is all sorts of fun.
In response to the post... "Are you ok?" is like "how are you?". It's not expected that anyone's going to actually answer honestly, it's just something you're supposed to say because it's part of societal custom. How often do you get anything but a "fine, and you?" from someone asking "how are you?". I think it's more about acknowledgment that actual information seeking.
You won't have to take me biking very far at all for at least the next 6 months. Dance muscles != biking muscles. Currently, even 2 miles leaves me with jelly legs. Equally, bombing Claremont would scare the holy hell out of me. I've known how to bike since that time when everyone else learns, but haven't really ridden in 10 years.
The pointed difference between the two phrases mentioned is that "how are you?" is an open-ended question, while "Are you ok?" assumes that you're Not OK, and is therefore a loaded question. It's not a casual "Hi" replacement as "how are you" is, because it assumes there's something wrong. And having people ask you a question (repeatedly) while assuming something is wrong (repeatedly) wears on one's nerves really fast.
Thanks for pointing out the parts that needed further explanation.
If you think your jelly legs are bad now, try doing a run right after getting off your bike. The first mile or two consist of your legs saying "WTF do you think you're doing?"
I probably wouldn't remember to say this in person, but seems like the answer should be: Wow, either I feel like shit or I look like shit and that question doesn't make me feel better, thanks.
I nearly always answer this question honestly. I do this even if I know that it's meant as a social nicety. I do the same with "How are you?" (This does lead to some awkward social situations, but then, I'm good at those.)
Granted, there have been some times recently, when you have asked me this question, and I have not answered you honestly. You know why though.
If someone does something out of character without explanation, asking if they are ok is simple way of asking "Why are you acting this way?", but it does sounds less rude.
I know that not being rude isn't always a priority though.
I agree - it's only really asking it the 2nd and 3rd time that gets on my nerves. It becomes the equivalent of them saying "well, I think you're a liar, so I'll ask again." Which offends me, surprisingly enough.
nowhere exciting - I hate you. Then I won't tell you where I'm off to this weekend. I do, however, have a flight home on the 26th of this month, so you'll have me in person to put up with once again. Yeah!
Exactly. It either becomes 'I know you better than you know yourself, so whilst you may not have yet realised that something is wrong, I know' or 'you just politely expressed that you do not consider me one of the people with whom you are comfortable talking over things, so let me badger you into proving you wrong, that I am the perfect person to force myself into your business'. Neither of these are cool.
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Though I think the phrase still has value sometimes. It's a statement of concern. Obviously if you just did something physically wrong, like a mis step or even a fall, to see if you need help getting up or to a chair, but
also if you are sitting down and not talking much, depends on the person and how well you know them, an offer to have company for a dance or so.
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If one is concerned, state said concern. "Are you OK?" is far too common & ambivalent. It hardly shows concern anymore, as Christophe points out below, since it's as commonly used as "How're you doing?"
Even a physical action (though not what I'm really talking about) isn't the place for it - case:
If I'm indeed "ok" after a fall, then well, I'm ok, and it doesn't matter.
If I've broken my leg, you're sure as hell going to know, weather you ask the question or not.
I don't read "are you OK?" to mean "Do you want to sit out this dance and chat?", and honestly, I don't know who does.
Thanks for pointing out the parts that needed further explanation.
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When it's asked in an emotional context, it's more loaded, and I agree that it's a lousy question, because then the person being asked has to answer "yes", which is probably not really true (most people pick up on really down emotional states with some degree of accuracy), or "no, and I don't want to talk about it", which feels rude, or "no, and let me tell you all about my father who died today".
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In response to the post...
"Are you ok?" is like "how are you?". It's not expected that anyone's going to actually answer honestly, it's just something you're supposed to say because it's part of societal custom. How often do you get anything but a "fine, and you?" from someone asking "how are you?". I think it's more about acknowledgment that actual information seeking.
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Dance muscles != biking muscles. Currently, even 2 miles leaves me with jelly legs.
Equally, bombing Claremont would scare the holy hell out of me. I've known how to bike since that time when everyone else learns, but haven't really ridden in 10 years.
The pointed difference between the two phrases mentioned is that "how are you?" is an open-ended question, while "Are you ok?" assumes that you're Not OK, and is therefore a loaded question. It's not a casual "Hi" replacement as "how are you" is, because it assumes there's something wrong. And having people ask you a question (repeatedly) while assuming something is wrong (repeatedly) wears on one's nerves really fast.
Thanks for pointing out the parts that needed further explanation.
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RE: "are you ok?" - That makes sense.
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Or the short version: Not anymore.
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Also - Great Bustles at the Beach photos! Wish I was there!
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Granted, there have been some times recently, when you have asked me this question, and I have not answered you honestly. You know why though.
If someone does something out of character without explanation, asking if they are ok is simple way of asking "Why are you acting this way?", but it does sounds less rude.
I know that not being rude isn't always a priority though.
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I agree - it's only really asking it the 2nd and 3rd time that gets on my nerves. It becomes the equivalent of them saying "well, I think you're a liar, so I'll ask again." Which offends me, surprisingly enough.
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Then I won't tell you where I'm off to this weekend. I do, however, have a flight home on the 26th of this month, so you'll have me in person to put up with once again. Yeah!
Exactly. It either becomes 'I know you better than you know yourself, so whilst you may not have yet realised that something is wrong, I know' or 'you just politely expressed that you do not consider me one of the people with whom you are comfortable talking over things, so let me badger you into proving you wrong, that I am the perfect person to force myself into your business'. Neither of these are cool.
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We should make dates & stuff.
Neither are cool - agreed.
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