Breakeven Part 1

[eddiessofa]

Title: Breakeven
Author: eddiessofa
Characters/Pairings: Clint Barton/ Phil Coulson, Tony Stark/Steve Rogers
Movieverse/Comics/AU: Movieverse and Hurt Locker crossover
Summary: After the events of the Avengers Clint is having a hard time coping. He decides he needs to get away. 
Rating: R
Warnings: language
Word count:
Spoilers: For the Avengers
Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4



Prologue

After the battle and after shawarma Clint is debriefed. Agent Hill's voice is clear and calm as she tells him his husband is gone but her hands shake when she gives him the dog tags from Phil's Ranger days. He knows she is watching for a reaction, expects him to loose it. All he can feel is exposed; this should be private, all of this pain and SHIELD is going to judge him for how he acted in the next few minutes. Hill is staring at him like she is expecting an answer.

"How?" It comes out broken and quiet and Clint hates the weakness.

"Loki," her voice has a trace of disgust and he can feel how much she blames him for this. Not as much as he blames himself.

All he wants is out, out of the watchful eyes of people and out of this room where he can't seem to breathe. Before that there will be tests and evals, they need to know his mind is his own. Hill tells him he needs to be at psych by 0800 and until then he can return to his rooms on base. A subtle command to not leave base, that they will be watching him. The thought of going back to a room he shared with Phil brings bile to his mouth. The command to stay is needless; he doesn't, can't go back.

Everything feels gray around the edges; there's so much to get through, so much feeling and Clint has never had to cope alone. There is an ache in his chest, the need to call Phil and tell him everything followed by overwhelming panic because he can't. Phil is gone and its his fault. It's not all his fault; he can rage and hate Loki just as much as himself.

The walk to Tasha's room is over before he realizes he's moved; his body reacting to a need while his mind replays his last conversation with his husband. The words slip-stream and for the life of him he can't remember Phil's last words to him. Clint can't help but feel like those words are important, a clue or maybe a key that will make this make sense, make it better because if anyone could untangle this cluster fuck it would be Phil. And why the fuck can't he remember?

He knocks on Tasha's door and isn't surprised to receive no answer. Furry must have her on some part of the clean up. The agent part of his mind knows that beyond his own own hell the world is in chaos and Tasha is able bodied. Still Clint can't help but be pissed that his only other friend in the world isn't here right now.

Breaking in isn’t even a challenge and it's why Tasha never bothered giving him a key. Clint joked once that she didn't even need to lock it because no one would be stupid enough or suicidal enough to enter her room without her express permission, in writing. Tasha's rooms feel empty and for a moment he panics, thinking maybe he lost her too. For all that he is exhausted, Clint can't sleep. The bed is too big and he can feel the void next to him like a black hole, sucking everything into it. Adrenaline is still pumping through him, his mind caught in a whirlwind of readiness and blackness.

He knows sleep won't come until there is someone to watch or he feels secure but Clint doesn't think that will happen again for a long while. Chances are higher that his next sleep will come on the tails of drugs or booze. Phil would only approve of the first if the drugs were from medical and Clint hated booze as a resort. Each drink reminded him of his asshole father and he doesn't want to disappoint Phil by becoming that shitbag.

Morning comes slowly and Clint still doesn't feel ready to have someone else dig through his mind. He knows there is no way he'll be cleared to leave base. The need to run is a constant thrum in the back of his mind; the want to escape. The base doesn't feel safe and right now running is the only thing he can do but a calm voice in his mind that sounds like Agent Coulson and not Phil is saying, "Wait."

Clint knows that if he leaves now all of SHIELD will hunt him down and Tasha will help. If he waits, he can leave and be gone before anyone has time to notice. He can't stay here and carry on like Phil Coulson never existed and shoot when a new voice in his ear says to fire. Life as a sniper taught him to wait for his moment. Clint walks to the psych office but this time he notices the looks as he walks. Most people just stare a mix of fear, pity and distrust. He was used to fear and even expects distrust but pity is older and something he hasn't seen since childhood.

Pity is the look he got from the police officers who told him about his parent's death, again from countless people after the orphanage. It had been one of the things he loved about the circus, no pity there. It was the look he expected from Phil once he read Clint's file but the look never came, nor did distrust. Phil Coulson decided Clint Barton would be worth it and damn it if he hadn't worked his ass off to be worthy of that faith.

Dr. Windt is head of the SHIELD psychology department and usually only dealt with Clint if he already pissed off everyone else. The fact that the good doctor was sitting on the other side of the table told Clint that Fury was taking this serious, that he was still considered a threat. Clint wasn't sure why they bothered sending him to the eval at all. He and Tasha had been taught to fake out psychologists by shitty childhoods and hard training. He knew the words to say about grief and anger, how to use his real guilt to let the doctor know that he was feeling what was expected.

"Agent Barton, sit," Dr. Windt motioned at the other chair on the opposite side of the table. "So, you want to tell me about the last few days?"

As much as Clint wanted to just report back the facts of the past few days, bleed them of all emotions and keep his thoughts his own, eh doesn't. He resented the fuck out of Fury for making him do this. It'd be more merciful if they just shot him and maybe just didn't deserve that mercy. Still sarcasm was expected out if Clint Barton, a clinical report would be the first serious sign of trouble. Everyone wanted him to be fine, hurting but healing. How could Clint ever be fine again when Phil was gone, when he had been unmade and broken by a demigod? Just like that the darkness and pain of grief reached back out and swallowed him down again.

"Clint?" The doctor's voice brought him back, unsure how long he'd been gone.

The doctor's face was full of concern and he was jotting down notes in a pad. Shit. Clint took a deep breath and pushed. An assassin that couldn't compartmentalize was dead. Right now he had to push past this or he'd never get out.

"I got mind-raped by an alien and my husband died. Any other questions?" Clint's voice was cold but the shock on the doctor's face was better than pity.

It took three weeks for them to let him leave the carrier. It took Clint less then 2 minutes to loose his tail and disappear into a subway. Three random stops later he got off and went to the closest bathroom to dig out his bio tracer. He left the tracer, his bow broken in two pieces and all of his Ids in the trash where he knew they'd find it.

He knows Natasha will see this as him leaving her and be angry but she's an assassin she's lost a lot of people. Whats one more broken boy? Besides she left him first and if she choose SHIELD instead of her best friend then she could fuck off with the rest of them. Clint walks out of the dirty subway bathroom and onto the New York streets. He hails a cab to get him to a parking garage downtown.

Everyone new about Clint's bolt bags, there wasn't much in any of them because it'd been impossible to hide anything from Phil or Tasha. Clint had come up with an easier plan, he followed a few junior agents to theirs.

After three stops he had a car and over 300 grand in cash plus a new ID.

*************************

1 Week Later

The team came together in pieces, moving apart before it came back together to lock into place. Steve Rogers was on the the road half-way across the country when he got the call about Hawkeye from stark. Fury wanted them to reassemble, at that point it was unknown if Barton was compromised or running away.

Steve got his bike to the closest airport where a Stark jet was waiting and a very nice stewardess assured him that his bike would be in the cargo hold before they took off. The pretty blonde brought him anything he could want before Steve even thought of it and offered to help him with anything else he might need with a wink. Honestly, Steve thought, women today were a bit forward.

By the time they touched down in New York the rest of the team was there but Hawkeye. The driver takes him to Stark tower and he is surprised to be herded into a conference room instead of taken to some shady government facility.

“Captain. Welcome back. While SHIELD is rebuilding, Mr. Stark offered his home,” Fury filled in before he could ask.

Steve shot a look at Stark who looked about to argue before Fury continued.

“Not now Stark. Your bullshit complaints have been noted. When I have time to give a damn I'll let you know. Until then, Cap take a seat.”

Fury motioned at the available spot next to Stark, who was muttering to himself and taping away on a tablet. Steve filled the empty space and clicked a button for a 3d image of Clint to appear in the center of the table.

“As you all know Clint Barton went MIA three days ago. Based on the scene it is our belief this was not a forced act. While it is still unclear if Barton is compromised or just on the run, the WSC and I agree he can no longer be considered an asset. As such I will have people looking into it, as will the WSC. We both agree you all should not be searching.”

The room broke out into angry shouts and protests until Fury held up a hand to continue. “ Should you make contact with Barton or receive any intel on him, tell me. We want to find him before the WSC does. I have convinced them that Barton has most likely suffered some kind of psychotic break and poses no threat to SHIELD or the initiative.”

“Is that what you believe, Sir?” Steve interrupted.

“I don't know what to believe, Cap.”

“So, let me understand this, you called us all together to do nothing? Fury, if you insist on wasting my time I will stop making it. I'm a busy guy.” Stark ranted and Fury broke in.

“Shut it Stark. I brought you all together because the crisis is over and you've just all earned the right to be included in the need to know category.”

“Know what?” Banner asks and Steve had barely noticed him tucked in the back.

“Agent Phil Coulson died for several minutes on the helicarrier and twice more on the operating table at Bethesda. He then went into a coma. Coulson woke two hours ago.”

Steve was on his feet and across the room before he had time to think; hitting Fury had felt better than he imagined.

Fury spit blood from a split lip and Steve waited until he had eye contact before he spoke.

“You lie to us again, we walk. As a team. Now take us to Agent Coulson.” He used his Captain voice.

Fury didn't bother with a speech about ends and means because they all knew it, even if Steve disagreed with it. Stark was beside him in the black SUV on the way to the hospital, mumbling about spies and secrets. Dr. Banner was in the back and Steve kept looking back to make sure he stayed the right color; Natasha was in the back with him and Steve needed his super hearing to catch the almost silent curses in Russian.

They are led to a private room off a secure hall. The group let Natasha go in first. Steve used the distraction to pull Stark to the side out of earshot from the rest.

“We're going to look for him right?”

Stark scoffed, “Of course. I have JARVIS running a program through SHIELD's servers now. By the time we are done playing nurse we will know what they know.”

“You really think he just left?” Stark asked and Steve can tell it meant was meant to be sarcastic, meant to belittle Steve for trusting Fury at all.

Still he answered honestly, “It's hard to lose someone you love. For Clint, Coulson was more than his..husband.. he would have been his partner, the person who told him to take the shot, the voice he trusted to make the right calls. To loose all of that at once. Gosh.” Steve trailed off because loosing Bucky had been like loosing a limb, loosing his last connection to his past and that had been hard enough. To wake up and find that he'd lost everyone, everything, Steve could relate to wanting to run away.

Stark got a haunted look for a moment before he shrugged, “we'll find out, now lets go see Agent.”

Steve felt like he had whiplash from the change. It was easy, he thought, to write Stark off as a jerk and forget he'd been through real hardship. Steve figured that was probably how Stark liked it but it must get lonely.

He walked behind Stark into the room to see Agent Coulson laying in a hospital bed covered in tubes. He looked small and fragile, for a moment Steve silently agreed it had been stupid to face Loki alone.

“Agent Coulson, Sir, it's good to see you awake.” Steve smiled.

Coulson blushed and Steve felt his own face heating in sympathy.

“Thank you Captain.”

“Call me Steve.”

Stark's movement caught his eye and Steve noticed he was holding Coulson's chart while he conferred quietly with Dr. Banner.

“Should you be touching that?” Steve asked.

Stark waved him off. Dr. Banner murmured a few more words then smiled. “Agent its good to see you. No offense but hospitals agitate the other guy. I'll see you soon.”

Coulson nodded but Stark started talking before he could speak, “Okay so after you get released which should be in a few weeks. You're coming to the tower. Pep will be thrilled.”

And Steve thought to himself that maybe Stark had more to him then he knew.

***********************************

6 Months Later

Dr. Bruce Banner is used to being invisible, its the other gut that gets all the attention. Maybe that was why he accepted Tony's offer to move into the mansion; Tony sees him and not the monster. It turned out the R&D levels are just as good as promised. Tony was many things but an exaggerator was not one of them apparently.

The whole team was in the mansion now, including Phil Coulson but there was always an empty seat for Hawkeye. Bruce barely knew the guy but the team still felt incomplete even to him, some vital piece missing. They kept going though, each member fond their own space to claim in the tower and niche on the team.

Natasha staked out the rooftop garden when she was actually in the tower. Most of her down time was spent searching for her lost partner. Anytime she was free from SHIELD missions and the world didn't need saving, Natasha was in some hell hole following dead ends. When she was actually here though, she was on the roof sometimes Phil, Tony and Steve joined her to pour over maps. Sometimes she was on the phone speaking in deadly tones and sometimes she was silent, alone and searching the horizon. It took her the longest to join the team bonding activities that Tony kept suggesting but in the end it was poker night that got her.

Thor returned from Asgard after Phil woke up and Hawkeye disappeared. A surprise to everyone was how seriously he was taking Phil's recovery; he was a strong support as the agent worked at regaining what he had lost. Bruce thought he saw guilt in Thor's eyes for what his brother had done. Occasionally the god laughed louder, showed enthusiasm at team bonding experiences no matter what Tony suggested maybe hoping to mend what was broken.

Steve was often in the kitchen, much to Tony's amusement. Steve asserted that cooking was one of the few things that hadn't changed in 70 years and that in his day, he was rained to feed himself; not everyone could have an Army of robots. Bruce thought it might have more to do with making sure all of them got fed. He even caught Steve bringing down food to Tony in the lab, at which Steve blushed and said he can't have Tony passing out from fatigue in the field. Bruce wasn't sure he has ever seen anything as funny as the look on Phil's face the first time Steve made him cookies on his first day in the tower.

Phil moved into the tower almost a month after the others. Bruce wasn't quite sure what to say to someone who had hunted him for years, someone who would of given their life for the cause but instead gave their love. He watched Coulson, not yet Phil, settle into an office Tony had put in on the main living area so he wouldn't be isolated from the team. Tony even decorated it with a prototype shield that Howard made for Cap, which made both men blush. Bruce found out that Phil shared a love of herbal teas and experience handling chaos.

Tony Stark was nothing like Bruce thought he would be or rather he was much more than Bruce thought he would be. Tony was egotistical and inflammatory but he also seemed to really care about the Avengers; he collected them all like strays and gave them a home. Tony was just as brilliant in the lab as Bruce thought he would be, even if Bruce wished Tony would stay in his own lab and stop bringing disorganization into his. Bruce smiled every time Tony talked to his bots like children but hid his smile when Tony bumbled his way through accepting food from Steve. Bruce outright laughed when Tony presented Steve with a red,white and blue shield apron.

What Bruce noticed as he settled into the tower and into his lab was that he wasn't alone anymore. He noticed six people who have lost much grow together. He noticed that he smiled more and that the mother guy wasn't as angry. Bruce Banner moved into the tower the invisible man but becomes an Avenger, one of Earth's Mightiest Heroes.

***************************

1 Year Later

The Avengers did not celebrate like the average person but then most celebrations did not include a god, a billionaire, a national icon or the Hulk. Natasha and Coulson maintained that they could celebrate just fine without ending up in a tabloid or significant property damage. Fury wasn't likely to let them throw a party but he eventually agreed to a camping trip. The trip had been a slight deviation from Thor's original suggestion of a hunting party to drive out beasts from the wild.

Tony tried to point out that their were few beasts left and Coulson pointed out that pictures of the Avengers killing deer would end in a P.R. Nightmare. The trip out to a national park that SHIELD had shut down from anyone not in the initiative was the compromise. Tony still wasn't happy about it but Thor was thrilled, this would be a time to bond as shield-brothers.

The avengers were walking out to the packed van when Steve held open a canvas tote bog.

“All right this is going to be fun. The Fantastic Four has the city and I've cleared this with Fury and Pepper. Hand over your phones, tablets, all of it.”

Thor shrugged, the phone often made annoying noises and texts from Lady Darcy made little sense. Jane was busy for the weekend and should Asgard need them they would hardly use feeble Midgardian communications. Bruce also handed over his phone readily, Natasha glared but gave in.

Coulson sighed but dropped his in the bag and at Natasha's shocked look he said, “Fury already briefed me. Apparently we are celebrating me recovery I need to enjoy it.”

Thor clapped him on the back, “Too true Son of Coul. Oft times you must leave celebrating to talk.”

“I'm sorry but I have a company to run. I can't just be incognito for a week.” Tony whined.

Steve just smiled, “I said I cleared it with Pepper and she told me to remind you that she runs the company.”

“I'm an important man, Steve. I need my phone. It's bad enough that you're dragging us all out to the sticks but it's 2012, we have a/c. I could build you a flying car, would a flying car get me out of this?”

Steve walked up and grabbed Tony's hands, “Please, this is important to me. Just give me the phone.”

“Yeah babe, here.” Steve smiled and leaned down for a brief kiss.

The campsite was large and with five tents set up in a circle around the fire pit.

The day passed with fishing, swimming and hiking. Steve had to take away three tablets from Tony, Thor found fishing easiest to do by hand, where as Coulson apparently enjoyed fly fishing. Bruce and Natasha took a hike while the others went for a swim; water made the other guy nervous and Natasha didn't like getting wet. Thor challenged Tony and Steve to a diving contest which turned into a cannon ball contest that Steve won.

That night they all sat around the fire eating s'mores which Tony insisted was Midgardian custom and if they were doing this then they were doing it right. The customary ghost stories turned into war stories between Steve and Thor. It felt good to speak of fond memories of himself, Sif and the Warriors Three even Loki on occasion.

When the group got silent at the mention of his brother, Steve picked up with a story of the Howling Commandos and Bruce placed a hand of support on his shoulder. Coulson was the first to go in then Tony dragged Steve off, Natasha checked the perimeter before disappearing into her own tent. Thor put out the fire and Bruce cleaned up the bottles scattered around.

Thor was awoke four hours later by rustling and hushed voices; silently he grabbed Mjölnir and walked toward the voices. He stopped at the edge of a small clearing to see Steve and Natasha talking softly.

“You okay?”

“Yes. I'm fine. Just don't need a lot of sleep.”

“Neither do I, not since the serum but if I don't go to bed then Tony won't. You know I found two more tablets in the tent,” Steve laughed.

Natasha didn't answer just stared at the stars, Thor almost walked up but then stove spoke softly.

“We'll find him.”

Natasha nodded and started to leave.

“You're part of the team, so is he when we get him back. You can depend on us, we depend on you.”

“Thank you, Captain.”

Steve rubbed his neck, “You're not alone.”

Natasha sighed, “I know.”

“When I lost Bucky the first time I invaded a Hydra base alone to get him back. When he fell off the train, I didn't have time to go get his body and then a few days later I woke up. I'm not going to loose Clint too.”

“Thank you.” She sounded sincere.

“Natasha..”

“I just... I should be out looking for him. Not out here having fun. He always came for me. I can't help think he might be captured.”

“We will find him.”

Thor broke into the clearing, “Friends. Should we start another fire?”

Steve looked up and smiled, “Yeah lets do that.”

Natasha nodded, “I'll gather some wood.”

The next day Bruce found Tony trying to rewire an Ipod to connect to JARVIS. Thor took them hunting which ended with him in a long conversation with a badger. By the time it was time to leave he was trying to convince Tony to let him keep his noble forest friend.

*****************************

1 and a half Years Later

Natasha's flight back from Brazil landed at 0130 and she was back at the tower by 2 am. Phil was still in his office typing away when she got in, Natasha figured he had been waiting up for her.

“Hey,” she said as she walked in, she even enjoyed the barely visible jump. It wasn't often she startled Coulson.

“Tasha, any news?”

She didn't want to answer, knew that the disappointment on her face was enough of an answer.

“Sorry. False lead,” she said because Phil still needed to hear it, even if he already knew.

Phil sighed and she noticed, not for the first time, how tired he looked.

“Where could he be? Do you think they're right, that he had some kind of mental break? Thinks he is some old alias or even a different person?”

“Could be.” Because neither wanted to believe Clint would abandon them, no matter what the evidence said.

“I shouldn't have let Fury send me away.” Its not something she had voiced before, fearing Phil would agree. She couldn't risk alienating the only other person she trusted but now she had the team and even if they weren't Clint or Phil, they were earning her trust.

“He must of felt abandoned and you know how much he blamed himself. The whole low self-esteem shit. Thinking I left him alone in the helicarrier with no one at his back when his belly was exposed. I'm sorry.”

Phil looked taken aback by her admission but not angry or judgmental and a small knot of worry in her chest eased.

“Tasha, this wasn't your fault. If anyone is at fault it's Fury or hell Clint. We both know he took out his bio tracer. If he had a break, he did it after running but you aren't to blame. We will find him, we always do.”

“We both know the likely hood of getting back alive if he was taken.” It felt cruel to say but she knew they had to acknowledge it.

Phil tenses and anger flashed across his features in the form of a tiny eye crease; most people would never have seen it at all. “Clint has a way of finding his way back.”

Natasha head the real words, “We will bring him back or a body.” She nodded and walked out.

She was almost to her room when shouting stopped her.

“We have to go get him!”

“Tony, Fury already told us that the President is trying for a diplomatic solution. We can't just send in the Hulk,” Steve shouted back.

“You don't even care. You don't even know they're looking! Some fucking super soldier!” Tony yelled and pushed his way past Natasha.

Steve looked so lost when she got in the room and Natasha raised an eyebrow.

“I don't... a plane went down in Saudi Arabia and the pilot is possibly captured. They lost radio contact but Fury assured me they were working to get the soldier back.”

Natasha scoffed, “Are you really that naïve?”

An hour later Natasha, Steve and Tony were crowded in Phil's office.

“I got the intel reports, they aren't going, we need to move in.”

“Tony, did you steal that from the Marines? You can't do that, its illegal and as an Avenger-” Steve started but Tony interrupted.

“So, it's okay for the government to lie but I'm a terrible guy for finding out,” Tony said and crossed his arms across his chest. “Steve, they aren't going to help him. They aren't looking he's going to die in the sand.”

“You don't know that. Phil back me up,” Steve replied.

“He's right Stark. The Avengers initiative can't be activated for this. It would look bad.”

“By all means lets not look bad,” Tony huffed out.

“Don't do that. You always do that.”

“What do I do, Steven?”

“Make Phil and I out to be the bad guys. Tony, I want to help this pilot but not at the expense of starting a war.”

Natasha caught Tony's eye across the room and the conversation is over in an instant, they will go alone.

“Yeah the ends always justify the means, I never expected that shit from you. I thought you were more then just a trained monkey.”

Steve looked like Tony had struck him.

“You're being hurtful for no reason. Let's just all calm down and discuss it later,” Steve said in his I'm being reasonable voice.

Tony walked out and Natasha followed. As she closed the door she heard Steve ask Coulson if the Marines were really looking.

Three days later Natasha and Tony came back to the mansion tired, bruised and satisfied. She couldn't save Clint right now but she'd been able to save that pilot. Maybe his family would be saved her hell. When they walked through the doors, Phil and Steve were waiting.

“What the hell were you two thinking?” And it was the first time Natasha had ever heard Cap curse.

“We were saving a life. Nothing to concern yourself with,” Tony barked back.

“You just left. We were worried. You could of died. Both of you.”

Natasha didn't bother trying to justify her actions. Tony wasn't as smart or maybe he was just hurt more.

“Worried? Don't you mean scared we'd start a war? Don't pretend this is fear we'd been killed. You just didn't want to go.”

Phil interjected in full Agent Coulson voice, “You both acted like children. You both know better. This stunt could of ruined diplomatic relations between us and several Muslim nations. If you'd been captured, I don;t even know what would of happened. Stark I expected this from but Tasha.”

“Don't make me a hero then be angry when I act like it. If that had been Tony or me, you two would of come. If it had been Clint. What makes that pilots life less?” She asked because she had red in her ledger and this was one of the few missions that hadn't added to it.

“Of course I would have gone! You never asked us to come this time. You just ran off. No back up. Nothing.” And now Natasha heard the worry and fear in Steve's voice. So, apparently did Tony because when he spoke again his voice was softer.

“I didn't think you'd approve. I thought you'd stop me.”

“If I had to choose between the entire US military and you; you would win every time. I would of done it for any of the Avengers but Tony. I would do anything for you. You know that,” Natasha didn't think she had ever heard Steve sound more sincere.

Tony blushed and mumbled an apology into Steve's embrace. When they've left, Phil approached her.

“I can't loose you too Tasha.” and Phil's voice was raw in a way he hadn't been in almost a year.

Guilt started crowding in her chest. “Phil, I had to so this,” she said. She thought of all the mothers, brothers, sisters out there, all the best friends missing someone. She wanted to save all of them, even if it just eased the ache in her own chest.

“I know. Just next time, tell me. I'll do what I can to help you. So, would Steve. Just because Clint is lost doesn't mean you don't have a team.”

Natasha nodded. The past three days had earned Tony a new respect but this made her respect Steve too. She didn't doubt that he'd take on the world for them and Phil had always had her back from day one. Now she had to consider that she had an entire team at her back.

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