And To Think It's Only Monday
If the first 48 hours are telling me how my week will go, this week will be overpowering and will make me take time to myself in the days following it. Things are rapidly changing, some are simply a symbolic change that I am creating in my own world and some are based in reality and have an real impact on me and the way that I will move forward in the months to come.
My Tivo is nearing death. I've ordered the replacement and it was shipped today. This little box has served me well for the past three or four years. Never missing a show it seemed to know I would want to see. Recording all of Grey's Anatomy, Hell's Kitchen, ANTM, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, and many others. For what little amounts of TV I do watch, my Tivo makes it where I can watch them whenever I so choose. The new Tivo is better and cheaper all at the same time. This one is an 80-hour box while the old is only a 40-hour. This one will be a duel recorder(once I get back to a cable set up) where the old one is not. Why then, when the new box is better in all ways, is this something that could kick off a frantic week? It's the symbol of the box. It's how I think about something that has seen the past four years of my life. Granted, it hasn't seen them in the way that we have, but what would the Tivo show me if instead of recording the incoming TV signals it recorded the actions of my living room.
The Tivo box is the last physical object that is linked, in any way, to Blake. It's something that we bought together, and frankly if it weren't for him I probably would never have gotten a Tivo at all. There are no tears or sad thoughts associated with this act, there is simple that thought. That it was a co-venture between us. The Box always sitting near the TV, nestled in its cubby hole in my entertainment center, saw the fights of Anthony and I, saw the depression that would overcome me in my moments of weakness and would see the dissolving of a friendship in which I was used and wasn't able to realize it until the end. In many ways this box being replaced also shows something new about myself. It symbolically says that I'm moving on to a new state of my life. Where in a matter of months I'll be turning 25, one quarter of my life gone(assuming I make it to 100) A new box, able to hold more, do more, be more. Now that's something I can get in bed with(not that the box will be in bed...ever)
Moving on from something that is merely in my head. Tonight, Philip hit me with something I wasn't expecting for another couple months... He said he loved me. He said....
"You won't say it before I will and I won't say it before the ghosts of our pasts are as legendary as the faults of our present; I love you- maybe not as I should or will- but I love you as best as I know how."
I'm not suggesting that is a bad thing or that I'm not overly flattered by the words that he sent... I just was not ready for this. I'm not nearly ready to say that I love him. And so for the first time in my life, I haven’t replied in kind when someone has told me this. People that truly know me, understand that I have an issue with the work "love" to begin with. People that I have "loved" have tended to screw me over in the past and hence I have some issue with trust. Those issues aren't something that I'm feeling here. This has been something totally different. And I do feel that there is a growing feeling of emotion for him. And I miss him when he's gone, but I don't think that I am nearly ready to say that I am in love with him, at least not yet. Anyway, it took me by surprise is all and I just felt a little overwhelmed by this.
The upside to all this, is that I finally felt like writing something, and didn't delete it half way through.
My Tivo is nearing death. I've ordered the replacement and it was shipped today. This little box has served me well for the past three or four years. Never missing a show it seemed to know I would want to see. Recording all of Grey's Anatomy, Hell's Kitchen, ANTM, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, and many others. For what little amounts of TV I do watch, my Tivo makes it where I can watch them whenever I so choose. The new Tivo is better and cheaper all at the same time. This one is an 80-hour box while the old is only a 40-hour. This one will be a duel recorder(once I get back to a cable set up) where the old one is not. Why then, when the new box is better in all ways, is this something that could kick off a frantic week? It's the symbol of the box. It's how I think about something that has seen the past four years of my life. Granted, it hasn't seen them in the way that we have, but what would the Tivo show me if instead of recording the incoming TV signals it recorded the actions of my living room.
The Tivo box is the last physical object that is linked, in any way, to Blake. It's something that we bought together, and frankly if it weren't for him I probably would never have gotten a Tivo at all. There are no tears or sad thoughts associated with this act, there is simple that thought. That it was a co-venture between us. The Box always sitting near the TV, nestled in its cubby hole in my entertainment center, saw the fights of Anthony and I, saw the depression that would overcome me in my moments of weakness and would see the dissolving of a friendship in which I was used and wasn't able to realize it until the end. In many ways this box being replaced also shows something new about myself. It symbolically says that I'm moving on to a new state of my life. Where in a matter of months I'll be turning 25, one quarter of my life gone(assuming I make it to 100) A new box, able to hold more, do more, be more. Now that's something I can get in bed with(not that the box will be in bed...ever)
Moving on from something that is merely in my head. Tonight, Philip hit me with something I wasn't expecting for another couple months... He said he loved me. He said....
"You won't say it before I will and I won't say it before the ghosts of our pasts are as legendary as the faults of our present; I love you- maybe not as I should or will- but I love you as best as I know how."
I'm not suggesting that is a bad thing or that I'm not overly flattered by the words that he sent... I just was not ready for this. I'm not nearly ready to say that I love him. And so for the first time in my life, I haven’t replied in kind when someone has told me this. People that truly know me, understand that I have an issue with the work "love" to begin with. People that I have "loved" have tended to screw me over in the past and hence I have some issue with trust. Those issues aren't something that I'm feeling here. This has been something totally different. And I do feel that there is a growing feeling of emotion for him. And I miss him when he's gone, but I don't think that I am nearly ready to say that I am in love with him, at least not yet. Anyway, it took me by surprise is all and I just felt a little overwhelmed by this.
The upside to all this, is that I finally felt like writing something, and didn't delete it half way through.