In the interest of time.
I was trying to figure out what topic I wanted to hit tonight. I still don't fully know. There is a lot of issues that I've been letting come to the forefront of my mind. I think that the explosion with Robert was a key element of this. I think that I'm losing my mind. But at the same time I feel that I am more sane then I have been in years. I see a light, yes indeed, but I don't think that it is a light near the end of any tunnel. Just a light to guide me somewhere that I don't really conceive. I am indeed not happy with my current state of affairs. I'm not unhappy with them either. I'm just here. The idea of writing something that will make the people happy is sickening to me. I can't even phantom writing a piece that will make someone smile, laugh, cry, hate, think or even have a reaction that means nothing to me. I'm feeling like the people that mean the most in the world to me are the people that are bringing me down. I think that the people that mean the most to me are the people that I need to cut out of my life. Yes, I need to move. To where is the question. I fear moving in every way possible. And I'm not talking about apartment changing. I'm talking about ripping the roots of my life out of the soggy grounds of Seattle and Western Washington and taking a leap of faith and finding out if I truly can survive while being, and I fear this most, alone.
I called Isaac today. Why is still a mystery even to myself. I do, honestly, miss him. He did make me smile. But that is no reason to step back into that relationship/friendship. I miss Blake, and he also made me smile, but I'm not making any move to run back to his side, or even to call him. In all honestly the love that I have for Blake scares me still yet I don't allow myself to dwell on the feelings that are still there and will forever be there. He to me is dead in all emotional ways. Yet the ghosts still run over my heart from time to time. So why Isaac? Why not one of the other many boys that I know and can fain care for. Because it's very simple. I never cared for them. Isaac was the first person that I feel I've really clicked with after Blake. Maybe that's why it hurt so bad when he wanted to leave me. Maybe that's why I attacked when I should have just accepted defeat and turned tail. Perhaps the idea of losing a person that I connect with on more than a sexual level hurt so badly because I was still, as long as it had been, not fully over Blake. While I was seeing Kyle Parker, I thought about Isaac and how I had made a mistake in the hopes that the relationship with Kyle would offer more freedom then the one with Isaac would have. Yet every time I would talk with Isaac and heard the slightest bit of pain in his voice my body wanted to run to his side and destroy the evil that made him unhappy. I've never felt the need to be the prince and the hero as I did when I was with him.
So where does this leave me with the idea of Isaac. I believe the problem with him was that I was to willing to let someone have me again. I did indeed jump in feet first once I made the final choice of him. I did let him have my soul completely. And While I don't feel that anything I did with him was a mistake or out of line... I do feel that I could have been a better, for lack of better term, Boyfriend. I did indeed write a poem about him today. I don't know where it will go. I remember driving myself crazy to write him a poem one night during the weekend of pride. it's a very simple poem you know. it was "Tonight" and that was all. I gave it to him later on a small slip of paper. I doubt that he still holds on to it or has it. I doubt that he still displays the pictures of myself with the frames that I gave him for his birthday. Why am I so hung up on this. Yes. Random sex is great, but sex with him was amazing. Mind you it wasn't anything overly special. It was overly blah either. It was just filled with emotions and it was never something that I stepped into casually with him. Which indeed is an odd thing about it since I'm all about casual sex at the start of a relationship. With him I would rather hold him through the night and have him sleep on my check and in my arms then to have sex of any kind with him. Although, I would get rather annoyed that he would do everything to make me want him so much and then announce that it was time for him to leave.
It seems this has become a piece of Isaac. At work I had a thought that I really wanted to write about but now I can't remember what it was. And while I promised a post that would outline things you didn't know about me and this is nothing overly shocking. Perhaps this is what you are now supposed to know about me. While it states nothing flat out or direct as it has in the past. It does say that I was on to something and I am sad that I lost that something. Never fully knowing what the world will bring me is always going to cause pain, this I'm not so stupid as to not think. But there is something to be said about being able to recall nights, and the lines that I've delivered to someone and remember that at that moment in time and space....every word that left my mouth was exactly what I was thinking and feeling for that one single person in the world and that the thoughts that I was making into a verbal reality were meant for only them to be applied to.
Perhaps thats why I like making poems and playlists for people. The poems are my internal thoughts put on paper about a person and the playlist is the soundtrack to the feelings that I have.
And with that I'm going to the store.... I shall pick up when I come back.
Throw in the idea that there are people that love you. That you will love. That will leave you. And you will leave. It's cold as hell this world sometimes. But then again you have to remember that the sun will rise in the morning. Even if you can't see it because of the clouds that haunt us. And that, after all, should mean something to someone out there. Even the people who find that there is no hope.
Why did I put so much into something that would be doomed with Christian. I haven't fully entered what I did or why or how. I let something that has been building in me for over a year have it's way with me. and that is something that I shouldn't really have done. The whole night was a blast, I'll let myself have that one. But it was timed horribly. It wasn't planned at all. And I lost myself in the moment that I was being flirtatious with a boy that I found attractive who I knew had flaws, yet was able to be in something more than a month long. I know that it's wrong. The ex of a friend. It would be just like when Brittin and Blake were dating. I felt betrayed even though I hardly see Brittin outside of a bar. I wanted to hurt them none the less. And I would expect nothing less from this friend of mine. This is after all the first time I've made this certain night known to the public. I don't even know why I'm writing it out now. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm letting the emotions that are in my head out again. That could be the simple nature of it. But then again, I remind myself that nothing I do is ever in black and whites. I thrive in the murky grey areas of the mind and want to be able to run when I need to. I am, with that, very very Romulan. And Yes, I'll admit that I did something that I shouldn't have. I moved in too fast. Honestly, I wanted to know him more. And I let my sexual nature get in the way. Or was it him that started it. I'll assume to save face he will say that it is I that woke him up in the middle of that night and started to hold him before he held me. I can't recall who started it honestly. All I know is I woke up and he was closer to me than I knew he should have been. And then it was over as quickly as it started. The thing that I do recall was falling for a line.
"I can't sleep with your hand there"
Then I'll move it.
"No, I think I would sleep worse if it wasn't there"
Yes, the wrong signals were given that night. On both parties. And for that I am truly sorry to all people that will suffer the aftermath of that night, if there are any other than myself. I let things get out of control. I lost the momentum of the game. I wasn't able to stay three steps ahead of him that night.
And I have issues with Mr. Virgo, but he'll have to wait for another night to know what those are, as I'm getting tired of writing and I feel if anyone has made it this far in the post that I have made them read far to much all ready.
To close a few lines that I might have said recently but ones I feel are very close to me at the moment....
I am loved, but not it love.
To know me is to hate me.
I'm more than just a sexual being.
Billy Joel is Great(big G)
The human ability to retain everything that ever happens to it is great(little g)
I am once again......
I called Isaac today. Why is still a mystery even to myself. I do, honestly, miss him. He did make me smile. But that is no reason to step back into that relationship/friendship. I miss Blake, and he also made me smile, but I'm not making any move to run back to his side, or even to call him. In all honestly the love that I have for Blake scares me still yet I don't allow myself to dwell on the feelings that are still there and will forever be there. He to me is dead in all emotional ways. Yet the ghosts still run over my heart from time to time. So why Isaac? Why not one of the other many boys that I know and can fain care for. Because it's very simple. I never cared for them. Isaac was the first person that I feel I've really clicked with after Blake. Maybe that's why it hurt so bad when he wanted to leave me. Maybe that's why I attacked when I should have just accepted defeat and turned tail. Perhaps the idea of losing a person that I connect with on more than a sexual level hurt so badly because I was still, as long as it had been, not fully over Blake. While I was seeing Kyle Parker, I thought about Isaac and how I had made a mistake in the hopes that the relationship with Kyle would offer more freedom then the one with Isaac would have. Yet every time I would talk with Isaac and heard the slightest bit of pain in his voice my body wanted to run to his side and destroy the evil that made him unhappy. I've never felt the need to be the prince and the hero as I did when I was with him.
So where does this leave me with the idea of Isaac. I believe the problem with him was that I was to willing to let someone have me again. I did indeed jump in feet first once I made the final choice of him. I did let him have my soul completely. And While I don't feel that anything I did with him was a mistake or out of line... I do feel that I could have been a better, for lack of better term, Boyfriend. I did indeed write a poem about him today. I don't know where it will go. I remember driving myself crazy to write him a poem one night during the weekend of pride. it's a very simple poem you know. it was "Tonight" and that was all. I gave it to him later on a small slip of paper. I doubt that he still holds on to it or has it. I doubt that he still displays the pictures of myself with the frames that I gave him for his birthday. Why am I so hung up on this. Yes. Random sex is great, but sex with him was amazing. Mind you it wasn't anything overly special. It was overly blah either. It was just filled with emotions and it was never something that I stepped into casually with him. Which indeed is an odd thing about it since I'm all about casual sex at the start of a relationship. With him I would rather hold him through the night and have him sleep on my check and in my arms then to have sex of any kind with him. Although, I would get rather annoyed that he would do everything to make me want him so much and then announce that it was time for him to leave.
It seems this has become a piece of Isaac. At work I had a thought that I really wanted to write about but now I can't remember what it was. And while I promised a post that would outline things you didn't know about me and this is nothing overly shocking. Perhaps this is what you are now supposed to know about me. While it states nothing flat out or direct as it has in the past. It does say that I was on to something and I am sad that I lost that something. Never fully knowing what the world will bring me is always going to cause pain, this I'm not so stupid as to not think. But there is something to be said about being able to recall nights, and the lines that I've delivered to someone and remember that at that moment in time and space....every word that left my mouth was exactly what I was thinking and feeling for that one single person in the world and that the thoughts that I was making into a verbal reality were meant for only them to be applied to.
Perhaps thats why I like making poems and playlists for people. The poems are my internal thoughts put on paper about a person and the playlist is the soundtrack to the feelings that I have.
And with that I'm going to the store.... I shall pick up when I come back.
Throw in the idea that there are people that love you. That you will love. That will leave you. And you will leave. It's cold as hell this world sometimes. But then again you have to remember that the sun will rise in the morning. Even if you can't see it because of the clouds that haunt us. And that, after all, should mean something to someone out there. Even the people who find that there is no hope.
Why did I put so much into something that would be doomed with Christian. I haven't fully entered what I did or why or how. I let something that has been building in me for over a year have it's way with me. and that is something that I shouldn't really have done. The whole night was a blast, I'll let myself have that one. But it was timed horribly. It wasn't planned at all. And I lost myself in the moment that I was being flirtatious with a boy that I found attractive who I knew had flaws, yet was able to be in something more than a month long. I know that it's wrong. The ex of a friend. It would be just like when Brittin and Blake were dating. I felt betrayed even though I hardly see Brittin outside of a bar. I wanted to hurt them none the less. And I would expect nothing less from this friend of mine. This is after all the first time I've made this certain night known to the public. I don't even know why I'm writing it out now. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm letting the emotions that are in my head out again. That could be the simple nature of it. But then again, I remind myself that nothing I do is ever in black and whites. I thrive in the murky grey areas of the mind and want to be able to run when I need to. I am, with that, very very Romulan. And Yes, I'll admit that I did something that I shouldn't have. I moved in too fast. Honestly, I wanted to know him more. And I let my sexual nature get in the way. Or was it him that started it. I'll assume to save face he will say that it is I that woke him up in the middle of that night and started to hold him before he held me. I can't recall who started it honestly. All I know is I woke up and he was closer to me than I knew he should have been. And then it was over as quickly as it started. The thing that I do recall was falling for a line.
"I can't sleep with your hand there"
Then I'll move it.
"No, I think I would sleep worse if it wasn't there"
Yes, the wrong signals were given that night. On both parties. And for that I am truly sorry to all people that will suffer the aftermath of that night, if there are any other than myself. I let things get out of control. I lost the momentum of the game. I wasn't able to stay three steps ahead of him that night.
And I have issues with Mr. Virgo, but he'll have to wait for another night to know what those are, as I'm getting tired of writing and I feel if anyone has made it this far in the post that I have made them read far to much all ready.
To close a few lines that I might have said recently but ones I feel are very close to me at the moment....
I am loved, but not it love.
To know me is to hate me.
I'm more than just a sexual being.
Billy Joel is Great(big G)
The human ability to retain everything that ever happens to it is great(little g)
I am once again......