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[eatmywords09]

Heya. Just to say I probs won't be online much these days, or posting, or emailing. Just for now. I'm really screwed up at the moment. It sucks that I've got this big moral outrage at the world for so many things; including anorexia and promoting it in the media, but really I'm just another boring victim

Comments

[anonymous]

Allie, Allie, Allie... You're not just another boring victom, none of them are boring, least of all you. You just--god, what am I saying--need help. I don't mean that to sound demeening, but I have had a lot of experience with depressiong: both parents and my elder brother suffer from it extensively, and I get it from time-to-time as well. You're depressed, i'm 100% positive that what you're going through right now is brought on or simply magnifying feelings that were already there. You're a beautiful girl, have a good life, and the world, frankly, has always been fucked up, c'est la vie; but depression doesn't need a reason, you can lay awake at night feeling like the world is going to end and have no idea why you feel that way, life is good but you feel like the weight of the world is on you. Honestly (and no offense to your friends who are reading this, I know you are good people who care about Allie, you are not included in what is to follow) the public school environment (yes, I count Saint Gabriel's as public for this definition) is a horrible one for the depressed individual. You are put in competition with others, peer pressure rides you constantly, unspoken comparisons on every subject are made by all, and it's the hardest place in the world to be and to live with yourself, even if you are utterly fine you feel completely inadequate. All that is amplified when you suffer from depression. And there you are "on the raggety edge." And so you cut.
You said you hadn't done that for a while, although I was unaware you'd ever done it before. I did a little research just now about cutting, and here's some of what I found out. First of all, immediately after cutting endorphins are released to the brain, which dulls pain (the reason some people are able to break their own bones, burn themselves, and cut) and effects your emotions. However, in the long run it can cause permanent physical damage and drive you into even more severe depression. But you're hardly alone. A British study showed 13% of teenagers roughly your age had cut at some time in their life. Girls are also much more prone to self-injury as a release because of their tendancy to act inwardly with their emotions.
I don't know, you might have known all that, but I hope some of it maybe made you think. I'm not an idiot, though; I know that there is no way you can simply beat this on your own. My brother gets through it with God, loads of family support, and, most importantly, medication. I know you don't believe in God, per se, at least not that sort of God, and I don't know much about your family life, but please, please, please see a doctor and get a perscription. Wellbutrin, celexa, paxil, prozac, effexor, lexapro, zoloft. I promise you, with a little trial and error to get the perscription right, it will change things like you can't even imagine (I sound like some sort of television advertisement). My dad used to have the worst temper in the world, I was terrified of him and he'd fly off the handle virtually every day at the slightest thing. He didn't believe antidepressants would work, either, so he didn't try them. Well, eventually he had an extremely bad anxiety attack (which is one of the things depression brings) and was on the verge of committing himself to a hospital. Long story short, they put him on celexa and he's been a very different person ever since. His temper is, for all intents and purposes, gone. It helped my mother and brother too.
Allie, I love you and want what's best for you, and you sound like you're in a real bad way right now. Please think about going to the doctor and trying an anti-depressant. Please. I know you don't want to, but honestly, i'm not entirely sure why. Depression is a chemical thing, it's not your fault and you sure as hell can't beat it on your own. You're surrounded by people who love you as well (look above) and that helps. Listen to them, all of them, they have your best interests at heart.

Feeling-useless-thousands-of-miles-away,
Logan M. G.