I really like talking to my mom
On NPR today there was a StoryCore recording of a Mom and her grown son. They talked about her 3 bouts with cancer starting with when the boy was young. The mom wished with all her heart that her children hadn't had to deal with the possibility of losing their mother at such a young age.
I know children are resilient, that they could perhaps deal with such a possibility better than some adults, that they are strong and grow stronger through such experiences, that to learn such resiliency helps them as they progress through their lives. Obviously no parent wants their child to go through fear and hurt, they sing, as I plan to sing to my child, "let those eyes sparkle and shine, never a tear, baby of mine". My parents did such an excellent job of always being there for me that when my mom developed stage 3 breast cancer I simply didn't believe that she wouldn't be there - it never really sank through. In part Mom did a good job of distancing herself from her children, in part I did an excellent job of isolating myself in a world of depression and self-pity, although I'm not certain I cared enough to even have self-pity for myself at that time.
It's hard to return to that time, because it was so painful. My whole family hurt, not that I was aware of it. There was this whirlpool of anger that Mom and I circled in again and again. I can't describe depression to anyone who has never had it. The intensity of the lack of feeling, motivation and care. The fact that going to target, buying a toothbrush and coming home was a successful day. It's been 6 years. I don't wish to remember it or experience it again. Mom's anger was immense. It poured out of her, drowning the mother that she had been. I grieved that loss more than I grieved the potential loss of her forever. Her anger was so unpredictable and unreasonable I came to not trust her and to choose my words carefully whenever I talked to her, even then I wasn't assured a safe conversation.
Mom experienced her own depression a few years later and this began the path to our healing. To have her understand what I went through at that time was so valuable to me, because I had felt so alone and didn't really know where to build my life again. We were finally able to understand where we both had been and a little bit of what it was like for us. Of course she knows much better what I went through than I know of her experience. To face the potential of dying, the potential of leaving your 7-year-old son without a mother - I know that I can't begin to understand that, the fear and the anger that would overwhelm me. I certainly can't blame her for her anger. It was a natural reaction. But it scared me.
I realized recently that I've hung on to that fear of Angry Mom, that I've not allowed myself to fully trust her again. I was living at home when we went through that period of our lives and I've lived 4 hours away from her for the past 2 years, so there's been little time to truly work on and realize what our relationship is now. It is much healthier, and I do trust her, but I still have a hard time being fully straight with her when I want to say something that I believe she would not like. I realize too, and worry, that not recognizing this distrust I still carried with me has given my husband a slightly skewed view of my mom. Both he and I have a very strong-willed, dominant parent that we feel we've struggled to differentiate ourselves from, and still worry that we have to be ever-vigilant to maintain that differentiation. I don't think we need to strain as much as we do. Our parents love and admire us and tell us this. It really does seem it ends up in our court that we are self-conscious of how our parents will respond to us, but I think they've let us be ourselves. Of course they'll continue to attempt to guide us in ways they believe to be best, but they respect our wishes when we make a decision.
None of this is what I wanted to focus on. What I wanted to say was that I realized, listening to the StoryCore interview this morning, how important having my mom is to me, that I never really faced the potential of losing her, that I love having her in my life every day and feel blessed to have that. My parents really did do an excellent job of always being there for me, of always pulling through when they were having hard times. I've never worried about losing them because they've convinced me so well that they'll always be there. While maybe I haven't grown and become stronger because of that I appreciate the security that they have provided. I have found my own ways of growing and experiencing in order to become stronger, as I feel I am, and thank my parents for providing that solid background while I grew. I hope I can do the same.
I know children are resilient, that they could perhaps deal with such a possibility better than some adults, that they are strong and grow stronger through such experiences, that to learn such resiliency helps them as they progress through their lives. Obviously no parent wants their child to go through fear and hurt, they sing, as I plan to sing to my child, "let those eyes sparkle and shine, never a tear, baby of mine". My parents did such an excellent job of always being there for me that when my mom developed stage 3 breast cancer I simply didn't believe that she wouldn't be there - it never really sank through. In part Mom did a good job of distancing herself from her children, in part I did an excellent job of isolating myself in a world of depression and self-pity, although I'm not certain I cared enough to even have self-pity for myself at that time.
It's hard to return to that time, because it was so painful. My whole family hurt, not that I was aware of it. There was this whirlpool of anger that Mom and I circled in again and again. I can't describe depression to anyone who has never had it. The intensity of the lack of feeling, motivation and care. The fact that going to target, buying a toothbrush and coming home was a successful day. It's been 6 years. I don't wish to remember it or experience it again. Mom's anger was immense. It poured out of her, drowning the mother that she had been. I grieved that loss more than I grieved the potential loss of her forever. Her anger was so unpredictable and unreasonable I came to not trust her and to choose my words carefully whenever I talked to her, even then I wasn't assured a safe conversation.
Mom experienced her own depression a few years later and this began the path to our healing. To have her understand what I went through at that time was so valuable to me, because I had felt so alone and didn't really know where to build my life again. We were finally able to understand where we both had been and a little bit of what it was like for us. Of course she knows much better what I went through than I know of her experience. To face the potential of dying, the potential of leaving your 7-year-old son without a mother - I know that I can't begin to understand that, the fear and the anger that would overwhelm me. I certainly can't blame her for her anger. It was a natural reaction. But it scared me.
I realized recently that I've hung on to that fear of Angry Mom, that I've not allowed myself to fully trust her again. I was living at home when we went through that period of our lives and I've lived 4 hours away from her for the past 2 years, so there's been little time to truly work on and realize what our relationship is now. It is much healthier, and I do trust her, but I still have a hard time being fully straight with her when I want to say something that I believe she would not like. I realize too, and worry, that not recognizing this distrust I still carried with me has given my husband a slightly skewed view of my mom. Both he and I have a very strong-willed, dominant parent that we feel we've struggled to differentiate ourselves from, and still worry that we have to be ever-vigilant to maintain that differentiation. I don't think we need to strain as much as we do. Our parents love and admire us and tell us this. It really does seem it ends up in our court that we are self-conscious of how our parents will respond to us, but I think they've let us be ourselves. Of course they'll continue to attempt to guide us in ways they believe to be best, but they respect our wishes when we make a decision.
None of this is what I wanted to focus on. What I wanted to say was that I realized, listening to the StoryCore interview this morning, how important having my mom is to me, that I never really faced the potential of losing her, that I love having her in my life every day and feel blessed to have that. My parents really did do an excellent job of always being there for me, of always pulling through when they were having hard times. I've never worried about losing them because they've convinced me so well that they'll always be there. While maybe I haven't grown and become stronger because of that I appreciate the security that they have provided. I have found my own ways of growing and experiencing in order to become stronger, as I feel I am, and thank my parents for providing that solid background while I grew. I hope I can do the same.