The early worries of pregnancy
focus always changes with life, doesn't it? I guess if I were to write more often I would write about things other than babies, but considering the little I do write and the experience of life before baby and while expecting baby I wish to record this time that I won't ever be able to return to. Not that one returns or is able to ever return to a point in one's life, but this is a big life-changing event. Many people say it's the biggest, and I look forward to it with such joy and anticipation.
I didn't always feel this way though. After the initial excitement wore off I found myself floundering and terrified, wholly unprepared to start this life-changing process, un-accepting of the changes that were to come and the decisions to be made. My body would no longer be what it was. Already my boobs were growing. How much would my body change and what would it be after this physical process is done? It certainly wouldn't be youthful, supple and tight. Will I have stretch marks? Probably. Will I sag? Isn't that a given eventually? Is eventually already here?
I also dreaded the change in our relationship. It will never be just the two of us again. How will we go on vacations? When will I next be able to leave the country? We wanted to go on a scuba diving trip this last spring, but suddenly that was out of the question. I guess it was already out of the question anyhow considering I had lost my passport when I moved here and didn't replace it in time.
Next came my career, if you can call it that. I've taught at this school for one year and now I'm asking to take 4 months off to have a baby. But maybe I want more than that. Will I be able to handle leaving my child while I go to work? If I did the opposite would I be able to handle staying at home all day with a baby and doing nothing outside the house that was just mine and that challenged and supported me?
There were so many questions and unknowns, fears of what others would think or do. Fears of how S and I would find that common ground that must lie amidst our battle that is vaccines. I wanted to know what being pregnant for the first time had been like for my mom and for other women throughout my history. I wanted to record what it was like for me for my child to know if ever it was interested. Mom came to visit when I was 8 or 9 weeks. She was very excited. She asked if I walked around trying to stick my tummy out to make myself look more pregnant (of course not even I could tell that I was pregnant from the size of my tummy at that point). That was when I was concerned with the changes my body would go through and was horrified she would suggest such a thing. Want my belly bigger? No way. Not then. I've done a pretty good job of accepting these changes since then. My belly is much bigger now and there was a point when I was trying to push it out further. Especially when I was at that point where it was hard to tell if I was pregnant or had just gained a lot of weight.
Now I'm obviously enough pregnant and again worried about getting bigger, wondering just how much larger I'm going to get. Looking at other pregnant women in their 30+ weeks I know I have a lot of growing yet to do. I'm sure it will all be fine. As baby grows there are new experiences that make this so much more exciting. The first flutter, the first real kick, the first time daddy felt the kick. Now we can see baby moving and it's much more active. At our next appointment the midwife will help us to recognize parts of the baby. We'll be able to feel a foot, a butt, a shoulder... a head. I can't wait.
I didn't always feel this way though. After the initial excitement wore off I found myself floundering and terrified, wholly unprepared to start this life-changing process, un-accepting of the changes that were to come and the decisions to be made. My body would no longer be what it was. Already my boobs were growing. How much would my body change and what would it be after this physical process is done? It certainly wouldn't be youthful, supple and tight. Will I have stretch marks? Probably. Will I sag? Isn't that a given eventually? Is eventually already here?
I also dreaded the change in our relationship. It will never be just the two of us again. How will we go on vacations? When will I next be able to leave the country? We wanted to go on a scuba diving trip this last spring, but suddenly that was out of the question. I guess it was already out of the question anyhow considering I had lost my passport when I moved here and didn't replace it in time.
Next came my career, if you can call it that. I've taught at this school for one year and now I'm asking to take 4 months off to have a baby. But maybe I want more than that. Will I be able to handle leaving my child while I go to work? If I did the opposite would I be able to handle staying at home all day with a baby and doing nothing outside the house that was just mine and that challenged and supported me?
There were so many questions and unknowns, fears of what others would think or do. Fears of how S and I would find that common ground that must lie amidst our battle that is vaccines. I wanted to know what being pregnant for the first time had been like for my mom and for other women throughout my history. I wanted to record what it was like for me for my child to know if ever it was interested. Mom came to visit when I was 8 or 9 weeks. She was very excited. She asked if I walked around trying to stick my tummy out to make myself look more pregnant (of course not even I could tell that I was pregnant from the size of my tummy at that point). That was when I was concerned with the changes my body would go through and was horrified she would suggest such a thing. Want my belly bigger? No way. Not then. I've done a pretty good job of accepting these changes since then. My belly is much bigger now and there was a point when I was trying to push it out further. Especially when I was at that point where it was hard to tell if I was pregnant or had just gained a lot of weight.
Now I'm obviously enough pregnant and again worried about getting bigger, wondering just how much larger I'm going to get. Looking at other pregnant women in their 30+ weeks I know I have a lot of growing yet to do. I'm sure it will all be fine. As baby grows there are new experiences that make this so much more exciting. The first flutter, the first real kick, the first time daddy felt the kick. Now we can see baby moving and it's much more active. At our next appointment the midwife will help us to recognize parts of the baby. We'll be able to feel a foot, a butt, a shoulder... a head. I can't wait.