...But I know ca-razay.
So last Friday I was... I dunno if stalked is quite the correct term, but I'm fairly sure harassed fits well enough.
So it was after work and I'm at the Times Square train station. As I'm walking down the platform a guy comes up and asks me for the time. I told him and tried to see if there was enough space for me to make it on the the train that had pulled up. I noticed the guy was standing in a way that seemed like he wasn't trying to get on the train. Or maybe was trying to wait to see if I was getting on first. So I asked him if he was getting on (mainly to give voice to what I saw in his actions) and he said something about thinking it was too full. It was (though he really didn't try to get on). It filled up, then pulled off. He made a few other comments that were clearly flirtatious, which threw me off because initially I thought he was queer (in hindsight, he still could have been). Then he says "I didn't get your name." I said, "It's Ebony. Have a nice day" before walking about 20 feet forward down the platform. Partially to get away from him and partially to get closer to where I always stand so that when I get off the train I'll be right in front of the exit/entrance.
At this point I thought he was just one of those "friendly" people that talks to everybody. And I figured he'd find some other person to focus his energy on. Then I see him walk past me and stand about 5 ft ahead of me. Then he walks back to some spot behind me (I was looking down the tunnel to see if I could see the next train coming). Then comes back and as the train pulls up he is right next to me, looking at me as if he wants to say something. I gave no eye contact and acted like I wasn't aware that he popped back up beside me. At this point I'm thoroughly creeped out, but still thinking "maybe I'm just being 'crazy'." We both get on the train and I stand in the middle doorway. He sits about 4-5 people down from me.
About 3-4 stops later he's standing up right in front of me in the middle of the train car. I planned in my mind to get off the train one stop before my actual stop to go to the next car. Meanwhile he's bent over pretending to look through the doors to see which stop we're at. Which makes NO sense because when you're sitting, it's much easier to just turn your head and look behind you than it is to stand up and bend halfway over to try to see which station you're at. Then he starts looking like he's going towards another door, so I began to wonder if he was just gonna get off. But he's still hovering around, so I decided to stay with my plan just to be on the safe side.
I hopped off one stop before my stop and walked into the next car. Normally the doors stay open maybe... what 5-10 seconds? The doors stayed open for a good minute (like literally at least 60 seconds). Perhaps that doesn't sound like much, but if you are trying to dodge someone and used to just a 5-10 lapse of time, 60 seconds might as well be 4 hours.. I only went to the next car because I was worried the train doors would close. So I'm literally one car away and I'm wearing freakin pink and grey. I'm sure he spotted me from the previous car. 'Cause this bastard hopped right on to the car I was on!!! Stood directly next to me. Smiling and shit.
I really can't express how unnerving that was, so I'm not even gonna try. I then got off the train entirely. Went outside and decided to get some money out and take a cab home. (Taking a bus seemed like it would possibly lead to the same results and if he went that far, he pretty much knows at least the general area of where I live.) I'm sure I looked a bit insane in that ATM area because I was staring outside the doors more than I was looking at the machine giving me my money. I didn't feel comfortable until I was in the car. Actually I didn't feel comfortable til I was home with Jon, who responded perfectly. Let me vent, affirmed that my feelings were natural and understandable, supported me emotionally, then taught me some great self-defense techniques.
The whole ordeal reminded me of how women are taught about harassment. It's mostly fear-based with little to no proaction [I'm so sure that's not a word, but I can't recall what the noun version of proactive is]. And for me personally, any "proactive" things I was taught were avoidance. Don't go there. Don't wear that. Don't stay out late. And any "proaction" the avoidance rules set up are pre-emptive ways to victim blame by assuming they didn't adhere to any and all of the rules. And then there's the notion of 'craziness." Looking back I think it was clear that anything that happened after I said "have a nice day" was an aggressive move on his part. But the time up until I left the train entirely I thought I could be 'crazy.' It's interesting how I'm/we're taught all this fear-based stuff, then when placed in a situation where fear is an understandable response, I still wondered if it's "all in my head." [And partially didn't wanna post this story because of feelings that someone might say it "didn't sound that serious."]
It also got me thinking about what I want to teach my daughters, both on the self-defense techniques side and on just the ability to speak about these things. I feel like 19 year old Ebony would have had no one to talk about this to. Let's see. There's my mother and grandmother who would've likely reinforced more fear-based responses. I can totally hear my gramma saying "see? This is why I always tell you to be careful on the train!" With my mother chiming in with the call-and-response "that's right!" My brothers' response would've been to offer to beat this man up (perhaps). Which is kinda sweet, but not what I needed. There's definitely Q, who I KNOW I could've/can talk to about this. So there is her. But aside from her, I think that's it. I was dating Brantley (kinda sorta) and those who've been reading my lj for a while know what a jackass he was. I can imagine him either blaming me, telling me it "didn't sound that serious" or asking "well what do you want me to do about it?"
I dunno. I don't have anything "innovative" to add. I guess I just wanted to talk about it and all the things it made me feel and remind me of. And to publicly thank Jon for being so great and having the most perfect response to such a startling and upsetting experience for me.
So it was after work and I'm at the Times Square train station. As I'm walking down the platform a guy comes up and asks me for the time. I told him and tried to see if there was enough space for me to make it on the the train that had pulled up. I noticed the guy was standing in a way that seemed like he wasn't trying to get on the train. Or maybe was trying to wait to see if I was getting on first. So I asked him if he was getting on (mainly to give voice to what I saw in his actions) and he said something about thinking it was too full. It was (though he really didn't try to get on). It filled up, then pulled off. He made a few other comments that were clearly flirtatious, which threw me off because initially I thought he was queer (in hindsight, he still could have been). Then he says "I didn't get your name." I said, "It's Ebony. Have a nice day" before walking about 20 feet forward down the platform. Partially to get away from him and partially to get closer to where I always stand so that when I get off the train I'll be right in front of the exit/entrance.
At this point I thought he was just one of those "friendly" people that talks to everybody. And I figured he'd find some other person to focus his energy on. Then I see him walk past me and stand about 5 ft ahead of me. Then he walks back to some spot behind me (I was looking down the tunnel to see if I could see the next train coming). Then comes back and as the train pulls up he is right next to me, looking at me as if he wants to say something. I gave no eye contact and acted like I wasn't aware that he popped back up beside me. At this point I'm thoroughly creeped out, but still thinking "maybe I'm just being 'crazy'." We both get on the train and I stand in the middle doorway. He sits about 4-5 people down from me.
About 3-4 stops later he's standing up right in front of me in the middle of the train car. I planned in my mind to get off the train one stop before my actual stop to go to the next car. Meanwhile he's bent over pretending to look through the doors to see which stop we're at. Which makes NO sense because when you're sitting, it's much easier to just turn your head and look behind you than it is to stand up and bend halfway over to try to see which station you're at. Then he starts looking like he's going towards another door, so I began to wonder if he was just gonna get off. But he's still hovering around, so I decided to stay with my plan just to be on the safe side.
I hopped off one stop before my stop and walked into the next car. Normally the doors stay open maybe... what 5-10 seconds? The doors stayed open for a good minute (like literally at least 60 seconds). Perhaps that doesn't sound like much, but if you are trying to dodge someone and used to just a 5-10 lapse of time, 60 seconds might as well be 4 hours.. I only went to the next car because I was worried the train doors would close. So I'm literally one car away and I'm wearing freakin pink and grey. I'm sure he spotted me from the previous car. 'Cause this bastard hopped right on to the car I was on!!! Stood directly next to me. Smiling and shit.
I really can't express how unnerving that was, so I'm not even gonna try. I then got off the train entirely. Went outside and decided to get some money out and take a cab home. (Taking a bus seemed like it would possibly lead to the same results and if he went that far, he pretty much knows at least the general area of where I live.) I'm sure I looked a bit insane in that ATM area because I was staring outside the doors more than I was looking at the machine giving me my money. I didn't feel comfortable until I was in the car. Actually I didn't feel comfortable til I was home with Jon, who responded perfectly. Let me vent, affirmed that my feelings were natural and understandable, supported me emotionally, then taught me some great self-defense techniques.
The whole ordeal reminded me of how women are taught about harassment. It's mostly fear-based with little to no proaction [I'm so sure that's not a word, but I can't recall what the noun version of proactive is]. And for me personally, any "proactive" things I was taught were avoidance. Don't go there. Don't wear that. Don't stay out late. And any "proaction" the avoidance rules set up are pre-emptive ways to victim blame by assuming they didn't adhere to any and all of the rules. And then there's the notion of 'craziness." Looking back I think it was clear that anything that happened after I said "have a nice day" was an aggressive move on his part. But the time up until I left the train entirely I thought I could be 'crazy.' It's interesting how I'm/we're taught all this fear-based stuff, then when placed in a situation where fear is an understandable response, I still wondered if it's "all in my head." [And partially didn't wanna post this story because of feelings that someone might say it "didn't sound that serious."]
It also got me thinking about what I want to teach my daughters, both on the self-defense techniques side and on just the ability to speak about these things. I feel like 19 year old Ebony would have had no one to talk about this to. Let's see. There's my mother and grandmother who would've likely reinforced more fear-based responses. I can totally hear my gramma saying "see? This is why I always tell you to be careful on the train!" With my mother chiming in with the call-and-response "that's right!" My brothers' response would've been to offer to beat this man up (perhaps). Which is kinda sweet, but not what I needed. There's definitely Q, who I KNOW I could've/can talk to about this. So there is her. But aside from her, I think that's it. I was dating Brantley (kinda sorta) and those who've been reading my lj for a while know what a jackass he was. I can imagine him either blaming me, telling me it "didn't sound that serious" or asking "well what do you want me to do about it?"
I dunno. I don't have anything "innovative" to add. I guess I just wanted to talk about it and all the things it made me feel and remind me of. And to publicly thank Jon for being so great and having the most perfect response to such a startling and upsetting experience for me.