(no subject)
Mike asked me out a few days ago. im glad we got to know eachother first. but..still, nothing seems to be going right. i went for a walk earlier and thought about stuff. i thought about everything. and i cried. for no reason. im sick of crying for nothing. tears are good-for a cause-but without one they are meaningless and helpless. tears cried with no purpose dont make you feel better. theres a party down the street...i wish they would shut their nigger music off. i wish they would stop being so loud. i wish i wasnt the only unhappy person around this miserable place. i want to run. i dont know where or who i'd be running to or what i'd be running from. i just need to get away from all this. i need space..i need freedom..i nees some fucking room to breathe..i need seclusion and i need my friends all at the same time. i need to be alone, yet, thats when it feels like i'll never be happy again. nothing makes sense anymore. my whole life is fucked up. im fucked up. everything good i have, i ruin. im pushing mike away and i dont know why. i dont want to. i dont mean to. it just happens. he doesnt understand that i dont know why i cry. is it that odd not to have a reason to cry? someone tell me im not crazy.
i need constant reassurance that he cares..thats how insecure i've become. i hate myself, and im just realizing how much. im going insane. i pity anyone who has to deal with me. i wouldnt.
i seriously hate everyone right now. i hate my dad because nothing i do is every good enough for him. i hate my friends because they are all fake. i hate everything because, clearly, everything hates me. thats fine. i hate those who burden me with their problems and give nothing in return. i hate people who say 'call me, im here for you' and dont really mean it. i hate knowing that they dont really mean it. i hate being able to write so damn much about anger and pain and resentment and fear and still having more to say. i hate that the only person that i really care about is leaving me for half the summer. i hate throwing up everything i eat. i hate feeling like i have to. i hate being interrupted.