(no subject)
Oh man, this is not good...
I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing or why I'm doing it... for a few hours things were so clear:
[Written while attempting to finish paper for Early British Lit]
It has suddenly become so clear, elucidated by my stress and sleeplessness. I am unhappy because I have been trying to figure out what everyone else wanted from me. I want to be at Vassar, nothing is expected or demanded of me. I can work and live only for myself, not in a selfish and solipstic sense, but so that I can figure out where I’m going without being pushed there. I was unhappy about ending up there because I was so stupidly worried about other people thinking I had failed to ‘live up to my potential’ or some such nonsense. I never intended to go to Harvard, Yale, or anything of that breed. Maybe later, when it’s less about the ridiculous competitions of high school and more about thinking and study and research. This is last in the series of my navel-gazing entries, I promise. The only thing I can do is live as truthfully as I can, and as well, working hard and satisfying myself. If I do that other things will fall into place. And even when they don’t, I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing I’ve done my best, worked my hardest, and only been who I am.
Well that was last tuesday... I'm so confused. It doesn't feel right here. I miss having people I can count on that I know understand my meaning. More latter... I need to think through all of this.
I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing or why I'm doing it... for a few hours things were so clear:
[Written while attempting to finish paper for Early British Lit]
It has suddenly become so clear, elucidated by my stress and sleeplessness. I am unhappy because I have been trying to figure out what everyone else wanted from me. I want to be at Vassar, nothing is expected or demanded of me. I can work and live only for myself, not in a selfish and solipstic sense, but so that I can figure out where I’m going without being pushed there. I was unhappy about ending up there because I was so stupidly worried about other people thinking I had failed to ‘live up to my potential’ or some such nonsense. I never intended to go to Harvard, Yale, or anything of that breed. Maybe later, when it’s less about the ridiculous competitions of high school and more about thinking and study and research. This is last in the series of my navel-gazing entries, I promise. The only thing I can do is live as truthfully as I can, and as well, working hard and satisfying myself. If I do that other things will fall into place. And even when they don’t, I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing I’ve done my best, worked my hardest, and only been who I am.
Well that was last tuesday... I'm so confused. It doesn't feel right here. I miss having people I can count on that I know understand my meaning. More latter... I need to think through all of this.