The Week In Sex
The crazy-stupid-busy-wow-I'm-tired-and-need-some-sleep edition...
For the week starting March 24th
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You'll impress anyone who catches your eye. Put your best foot forward and dive in with two feet. You're on the road to a long-lasting connection. Unless, of course, you're just a selfish, self-absorbed jerkface--in which case, horoscopes aren't gonna do you any good.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You'll have a 50/50 chance of choosing the right partner this week. Here's a hint: Looks are deceiving. Here's another: All that glitters is not gold. Getting warm? Someone once told you that "personality" was just a crutch for ugly people. That someone is going broke from all their Botox treatments and feels very empty inside.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
In the early stages of dating, you gotta sell the sizzle, not the steak. Play hard to get.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Remember that Paul Newman quote about infidelity: "Why would I go out for a hamburger when there is steak waiting for me at home every night?" We give the sentiment two thumbs up (yay monogamy!), but the analogy is a little weak. Sometimes you do just want a hamburger, right? Especially when you've got no steak at home. You're just thinking ketchup, onions, tomato, cheese, the works. Especially this week. And right now, no one's making you choose between hamburger, steak, sausage, chicken, and the other white meat--so why should you? Just make sure that next week, you stick to lettuce leaves and carrots to give your heart (and soul, and genitals) a break.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Bitch and moan. Bitch and moan. If you spent less time focusing on the little imperfections of your relationship (and in the scheme of things, they are little), and more time focusing on what you could do to be a better person and therefore a better partner...well, let's just say the sex would vastly improve and leave it at that.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
There's a difference between sacrificing and settling. Sacrificing happens when you selflessly give up something for the good of a good relationship. Settling happens when you give up, period. This week, ask yourself which you're doing.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
When Billy Ocean told that chick to "get out of my dreams and into my car," it was kind of endearing. But on you, it just looks like stalking.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Being in a relationship is not the be-all and end-all. Think of the time demands, the emotional dependency, the routine. Sure, we're just saying this to make you feel better, but if you're not with the right person then all that stuff can be an issue. Take some time to date yourself and find out what it is you really want (and no, we're not just talking about masturbation).
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
A friend of ours gave us a tip recently, and it's a useful one for you this week: If you're in a long-term relationship (or even a mini one), practice "designated make-out nights" occasionally. Go on a date, drink milkshakes, hold hands and make out all night, then go home separately. And masturbate till your hands are chapped and your neighbors start to complain.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You know how some weeks you feel like you could pull off the Kama Sutra's "Feeding the Peacock" and "Riding the Elephant" before breakfast? And other weeks you need twenty minutes of pre-sex stretching just to get near the missionary position? Well, this week you're going to be a veritable vertical 69-ing, reverse-butterfly-kissing sexpert. And that 20 minutes of stretching? An especially good idea.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Blah blah blah. Why are you even reading this? You know what you have to do to get what you want. So just do it. Don't wait around for us to tell you to, you big procrastinator.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
People need people, but people get really annoyed by needy people. There's a fine line between confidently stating your needs and wants, and wrapping yourself around someone's ankle after the first date and begging, "Don't leave me this way!" If you're tempted to be too needy with a recent acquaintance, buy yourself a tub of ice cream. Or a puppy.
For the week starting March 24th
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You'll impress anyone who catches your eye. Put your best foot forward and dive in with two feet. You're on the road to a long-lasting connection. Unless, of course, you're just a selfish, self-absorbed jerkface--in which case, horoscopes aren't gonna do you any good.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You'll have a 50/50 chance of choosing the right partner this week. Here's a hint: Looks are deceiving. Here's another: All that glitters is not gold. Getting warm? Someone once told you that "personality" was just a crutch for ugly people. That someone is going broke from all their Botox treatments and feels very empty inside.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
In the early stages of dating, you gotta sell the sizzle, not the steak. Play hard to get.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Remember that Paul Newman quote about infidelity: "Why would I go out for a hamburger when there is steak waiting for me at home every night?" We give the sentiment two thumbs up (yay monogamy!), but the analogy is a little weak. Sometimes you do just want a hamburger, right? Especially when you've got no steak at home. You're just thinking ketchup, onions, tomato, cheese, the works. Especially this week. And right now, no one's making you choose between hamburger, steak, sausage, chicken, and the other white meat--so why should you? Just make sure that next week, you stick to lettuce leaves and carrots to give your heart (and soul, and genitals) a break.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Bitch and moan. Bitch and moan. If you spent less time focusing on the little imperfections of your relationship (and in the scheme of things, they are little), and more time focusing on what you could do to be a better person and therefore a better partner...well, let's just say the sex would vastly improve and leave it at that.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
There's a difference between sacrificing and settling. Sacrificing happens when you selflessly give up something for the good of a good relationship. Settling happens when you give up, period. This week, ask yourself which you're doing.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
When Billy Ocean told that chick to "get out of my dreams and into my car," it was kind of endearing. But on you, it just looks like stalking.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Being in a relationship is not the be-all and end-all. Think of the time demands, the emotional dependency, the routine. Sure, we're just saying this to make you feel better, but if you're not with the right person then all that stuff can be an issue. Take some time to date yourself and find out what it is you really want (and no, we're not just talking about masturbation).
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
A friend of ours gave us a tip recently, and it's a useful one for you this week: If you're in a long-term relationship (or even a mini one), practice "designated make-out nights" occasionally. Go on a date, drink milkshakes, hold hands and make out all night, then go home separately. And masturbate till your hands are chapped and your neighbors start to complain.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You know how some weeks you feel like you could pull off the Kama Sutra's "Feeding the Peacock" and "Riding the Elephant" before breakfast? And other weeks you need twenty minutes of pre-sex stretching just to get near the missionary position? Well, this week you're going to be a veritable vertical 69-ing, reverse-butterfly-kissing sexpert. And that 20 minutes of stretching? An especially good idea.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Blah blah blah. Why are you even reading this? You know what you have to do to get what you want. So just do it. Don't wait around for us to tell you to, you big procrastinator.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
People need people, but people get really annoyed by needy people. There's a fine line between confidently stating your needs and wants, and wrapping yourself around someone's ankle after the first date and begging, "Don't leave me this way!" If you're tempted to be too needy with a recent acquaintance, buy yourself a tub of ice cream. Or a puppy.