it's not going to stop....
I wonder how much I could possibly hide without loosing all sense of self completely. Creamy liquids, powder and thick black lines...pink, purple, yellow and white. All which psychologically make me feel good about myself...then again, that's their purpose. They serve me well. I don't like this. Wait, I do like this, I just feel shameful admitting it. My ego likes to be played with and it sure as hell likes to be boosted. 1 to wake you up, one to calm you down. It's almost like a partnership. Can't have the pick me up, without the calm you down. Have you ever noticed how incredibly beautiful imperfection can be when placed over something perfect? A scar or bruise on a flawless complexion. Where the hell is everyone tonight? I must have watched American Beauty 8 times in the past 2 and half days. I hate hype. I really do. What I hate ever more than hype, is when the hype itself turns out to be true. It's an amazing movie. You win. There is nothing worse than being ordinary. Zanesville is filled with beauty, but it's citizens...a different story. The minds have been closed down...spontanuity, adventure and creativity have been replaced with a reoccuring sense of apathy. Late night walks through the woods have turned into gatherings in a fucking parking lot. Maybe i'm not searching hard enough. Giving up all hope on the human race. I know that not all people are lost causes, the again...some aren't worth the clothes on their backs. I'm so thankful to have met Dayle and Joanna. They both seem to find beauty in everything and are rarely negative. I wish I could be more like that. I'm too cynical. One day i'll wake up and find myself to be completely callous and shut off from the world. I'm not really sure what i'm getting at...but just lend me a little more of your time, please. I'm not saying this to sound like I am better than anyone else or that i'm exactly comfortable in my own skin...but growing up and even right now, i've always felt different from most people...like I had/have something special. Lately, it almost seems as if other people are noticing what i've been trying to show them all this time. I'm not sure if i'm making sense...and i'm sorry if i'm coming off as vain. That 'special something' is fading. I can tell. I know that deep down I have something that no one else can offer and i'm afraid i'm going to loose it. I need to be more positive. Find the beauty in the most simple of things. Possibly have a little more faith in my fellow man...no promises there. Not sure what i'm getting it.