what you need you have to borrow
i'm an obsessed girl these days. i can't really say i've been horny (but i'm going to use the mood icon anyway), but my mind has been very driven on a singular track lately, much more driven than usual. i don't really really want to have sex, i know what that feels like. but i'm constantly fantasizing, certain words keep on drifting over and over in my consciousness and waking me up. it's also kind of romantic. i don't want to fuck, i want to kiss, yet i can't stop thinking about guys fucking eachother. well i could. but that wouldn't be much fun.
i've long milled over the concept that sexual pleasure isn't really pleasure. i don't know what it is, but it's not a "good" feeling in the traditional sense of the word. the only thing you can know about sexuality is that you want it, and thus you infer that it must be pleasurable, but that's not it. it's something completely different, unfamiliar to anything else that human beings want (that i've experienced). and it can be blinding. i both love and hate the fact that at orgasm you have no idea what's happening, not even if you like it. you can figure it out afterward, though, which is perhaps stranger. in psychology, there was a theory that emotions are actually the result of one reacting to physical symptoms. you hear something behind you, your heart begins to pound and thus you become afraid because you realize your heart is pounding. nobody likes this concept because it doesn't feel like it makes sense (there were a lot of reasons why it didn't, and better theories but i can't think of them). in much the same way, i sometimes feel like the only way i would i know i'm really enjoying the moment is by the change in my breathing and such. if there wasn't much of a change, then i'd have to assume that wasn't my best orgasm, but unless it's ridiculously weak there is no other indication. this isn't always true, lately it hasn't been, but i still feel like as though i'm thrown into a powerful wave that clouds all my senses every time it happens and i can't understand it. the sexual experience is something outside the norms of good and bad, it is gray and confused yet very powerful at the same time, which is why it is such an extraordinary thing. it's an indication that things don't have to be polarized to be intense. when i started getting into this i wanted to control it, i wanted to know what it was; it's not that i've given up, i just know now that that is not the right route in discovering what it really is. it's not about control, it's not about pleasure. but it is about strength, in many different ways. other than that though i don't know.
in theater appreciation, mills said something that surprised me. that enlightenment is about obediance. she was talking about religion of course, in the traditional sense- that you will acheive enlightenment if you obey, through your obediance you will have enlightenment. it didn't shock me though. i almost like the fact that this context is so contradictory to the way people use this term normally. english major buzz i guess.
there's been a lot of talk of religion in every class but spanish. it's getting a little old for me, it's still shocking to think what people don't know about organized religion, what they don't realize.
there is something disappointing i'm beginning to feel in my new classes. a lack of a connection. i know in bhp i'll always have it, but i have some big classes this semester and there is a definite lack of intimacy. but my spanish teacher is paying a lot of attention to me, he analyzed my name for me while he was in the middle of asking me a question. i know the name "alexa" the welsh name means "defender" in short, but the original spanish name is "aleja" which means "distant." he's the first person to take an interest in my backround (and there have been many) to tell me something i didn't know.
i've long milled over the concept that sexual pleasure isn't really pleasure. i don't know what it is, but it's not a "good" feeling in the traditional sense of the word. the only thing you can know about sexuality is that you want it, and thus you infer that it must be pleasurable, but that's not it. it's something completely different, unfamiliar to anything else that human beings want (that i've experienced). and it can be blinding. i both love and hate the fact that at orgasm you have no idea what's happening, not even if you like it. you can figure it out afterward, though, which is perhaps stranger. in psychology, there was a theory that emotions are actually the result of one reacting to physical symptoms. you hear something behind you, your heart begins to pound and thus you become afraid because you realize your heart is pounding. nobody likes this concept because it doesn't feel like it makes sense (there were a lot of reasons why it didn't, and better theories but i can't think of them). in much the same way, i sometimes feel like the only way i would i know i'm really enjoying the moment is by the change in my breathing and such. if there wasn't much of a change, then i'd have to assume that wasn't my best orgasm, but unless it's ridiculously weak there is no other indication. this isn't always true, lately it hasn't been, but i still feel like as though i'm thrown into a powerful wave that clouds all my senses every time it happens and i can't understand it. the sexual experience is something outside the norms of good and bad, it is gray and confused yet very powerful at the same time, which is why it is such an extraordinary thing. it's an indication that things don't have to be polarized to be intense. when i started getting into this i wanted to control it, i wanted to know what it was; it's not that i've given up, i just know now that that is not the right route in discovering what it really is. it's not about control, it's not about pleasure. but it is about strength, in many different ways. other than that though i don't know.
in theater appreciation, mills said something that surprised me. that enlightenment is about obediance. she was talking about religion of course, in the traditional sense- that you will acheive enlightenment if you obey, through your obediance you will have enlightenment. it didn't shock me though. i almost like the fact that this context is so contradictory to the way people use this term normally. english major buzz i guess.
there's been a lot of talk of religion in every class but spanish. it's getting a little old for me, it's still shocking to think what people don't know about organized religion, what they don't realize.
there is something disappointing i'm beginning to feel in my new classes. a lack of a connection. i know in bhp i'll always have it, but i have some big classes this semester and there is a definite lack of intimacy. but my spanish teacher is paying a lot of attention to me, he analyzed my name for me while he was in the middle of asking me a question. i know the name "alexa" the welsh name means "defender" in short, but the original spanish name is "aleja" which means "distant." he's the first person to take an interest in my backround (and there have been many) to tell me something i didn't know.