i dont understand it.
all my life i have been able to help people. until recently.
i have helped people through all sorts of problems. self esteem, suicide, drugs, alchohol, sex, molestations, divorce, anything you can think of basically. i have lived my life to serve others. and gave my life for that cause. why is it that one event and one circumstance can make you doubt the gift of God in your life, push you back to all the things you once had in your mind? i have given up on life and all of humanity again. do i even want to be a counselor anymore? i no longer see things in a beautiful light that i once saw them in. i need to stop caring for people because in the cases that i do i eat myself to death. i dont want to live and yet i know i need to. but for what? the only thing i value is relationships and they seem to be falling apart.
what is the point of my life and why do i keep going? i hate myself. for the first time i can say that i honestly hate myself. not for what i have done but for how i let it control me and what i do. im sorry that im nosy because i care. im sorry that i open myself up to the point that i stab myself in the heart to help people i barely know.
the only way i can help to stop myself is to change who i am. but is the repercussions worth it. some would say no. others i dont know.
i need to realize that i cant help everyone and the more i try the more i push them away.
who can one persons hurtful coment make you doubt the faithfulness of God? never the less a person in spiritual leadership? ironic isnt it. it tends to be my lot in life. i was always the victim as a kid and after that i was a scapegoat. now..... i dont know.
maybe someday i will, but all i know now is that i hate life and living. almost everything i love is back home. and here i sit. typing on this stupid website honestly thinking anyone reads it or even cares.
i have helped people through all sorts of problems. self esteem, suicide, drugs, alchohol, sex, molestations, divorce, anything you can think of basically. i have lived my life to serve others. and gave my life for that cause. why is it that one event and one circumstance can make you doubt the gift of God in your life, push you back to all the things you once had in your mind? i have given up on life and all of humanity again. do i even want to be a counselor anymore? i no longer see things in a beautiful light that i once saw them in. i need to stop caring for people because in the cases that i do i eat myself to death. i dont want to live and yet i know i need to. but for what? the only thing i value is relationships and they seem to be falling apart.
what is the point of my life and why do i keep going? i hate myself. for the first time i can say that i honestly hate myself. not for what i have done but for how i let it control me and what i do. im sorry that im nosy because i care. im sorry that i open myself up to the point that i stab myself in the heart to help people i barely know.
the only way i can help to stop myself is to change who i am. but is the repercussions worth it. some would say no. others i dont know.
i need to realize that i cant help everyone and the more i try the more i push them away.
who can one persons hurtful coment make you doubt the faithfulness of God? never the less a person in spiritual leadership? ironic isnt it. it tends to be my lot in life. i was always the victim as a kid and after that i was a scapegoat. now..... i dont know.
maybe someday i will, but all i know now is that i hate life and living. almost everything i love is back home. and here i sit. typing on this stupid website honestly thinking anyone reads it or even cares.