Hello craziness! You're back! Or did you never leave?
Yeah, so I suck. I just spent three hours writing this crap instead of finishing one of the half-dozen other unfinished fics on my laptop. Sven? You suck. And I suck at writing snowman murder. It sort of... evolved on me.
It is delicious crack! Eat it!
Title: Smoker Holmes and the Mysterious Case of Flaming Death
Smoker glared around the lounge, his gaze brutally, viciously and not very politely stabbing each of the gathered persons. He crossed his arms while Tashigi, fiddling uneasily with Shigure, barred the door.
“Uh, is there a reason we’re all here?” Lord Usopp questioned, squeezing Lady Kaya’s hand - she appeared to be holding up significantly better than her husband over the stress of the last few days. “If you need to question us aga-”
“There’s no need for any more questions,” Smoker growled, withdrawing a cigar from a loop on his jacket. “I have all the evidence I need to bring the perpetrator to Justice.”
The gathered suspects and witnesses reacted just as he suspected they would; Baroness Robin quirked an eyebrow in mild interest, scullery-boy Luffy’s jaw dropped (further than could be humanly natural) in excitement, Dr. Chopper wriggled in shock and clapped his hands to his cheeks, chef Sanji stared suspiciously at bodyguard Zoro (who was asleep, the bastard), reporter Nami brought out her notebook and leered expectantly at him, handyman Franky yelled, “SUPER!”, the bony entertainer Brooke’s facial features remained as still and unreadable as ever, and…
And Ace D. Portgas, butler to the Lord and Lady, just grinned back at him, slouched against the opposite wall with that smug look that Smoker wanted to rip off his damn face.
Detectives Coby and Helmeppo gawped in amazement at Smoker. “What! But we’ve already determined the death was spontaneous human combustion!”
“Yeah!” Helmeppo asserted, rising to his friend’s defence. “We already closed the case, just like Captain Alvida told us to! I know it’s freaky as all hell, but he died right in front of everyone. There’s no way anyone touched him!”
Smoker smirked, holding up the unlit cigar. “It was no accident, I assure you, Detectives - and there is a way the crime could have been committed. Ace D. Portgas; why don’t you demonstrate?”
The butler cocked his head to the side and looked innocent. “Me, Smoker?”
“That’s Holmes to you, brat,” snapped Smoker Holmes, resisting the urge to grind his teeth together, possibly with Portgas’ neck between them. His long, smooth, tann- no! Bad thoughts! Justice! “As I was saying - why not demonstrate for us just how easy it is for someone like you to create a fire from a distance?”
Portgas’ face fell into a scowl and he straightened, even as the others turned to stare at him. “I could say I don’t know what you’re talking about, Smoker, but it seems you have me, and I’m not one to drag out the inevitable. Especially not if it keeps a cute little thing like Tashigi there from her lunch,” he added, turning to wink flirtily at Smoker’s assistant.
“Dr. Tashigi is a world-class expert in shinystabbyology, and certainly not a ‘cute little thing’!” Smoker snarled, uncrossing his arms and stepping forwards, one hand twitching to reach for his jitte. “Now, brat - are you going to demonstrate, or not?”
“You’re not seriously sayi-” Coby began nervously, but was cut off by the chorus of gasps (and cry of “SUPER!”) as the cigar Smoker held sparked alight. “Wh-what happened?!”
Smoker fixed predatory eyes on the criminal. “The Mera-Mera Fruit - and the man who ate it.”
“The Devil Fruit that was stolen three years ago,” Baroness Robin murmured, regarding Portgas with a faint smile. “It made headlines around the world, I believe - the audacity of stealing from casino-billionaire Crocodile Rains… and yet, despite his threats and offered rewards, the Fruit was never recovered.”
Coby groaned. “I read about that, but I never suspected…!”
“It’s doubtful you would,” Smoker sighed, rolling his eyes at how damn useless everyone but himself was, and started smoking. The cigar, I mean. He smoked the cigar. “Tashigi - why don’t you explain.”
“Ah! Yes, Smoker!” Tashigi snapped to attention, and pushed her glasses up. “As you’ll know, the victim - Tenryubito Blackbeard - was disliked by many, which left plenty of suspects.”
“He stole my meat!” wailed Luffy, which everyone ignored.
The doctor of shinystabbyology continued, “However, despite the horrifically violent, long, agonising manner of his death, in which he ran screaming and flailing around the ballroom, his clothes and body on fire, skin melting, eyeballs bursti-”
Smoker coughed loudly.
“- right, sorry, sir. Anyway, despite the manner of his death, it appeared to be an unfortunate Act of God, spontaneous combustion being a scientifically and legally recognised cause of death. However, Smoker recognised something suspicious about the entire set-up…”
“But what about my meat?” muttered Luffy. They ignored that, too.
Smoker stepped in. “The first thing that raised my suspicions was when Luffy D. Monkey’s arm stretched across the interrogation room to steal my coffee.”
“Oops,” Luffy said, grinning far wider than he should be able to). “I thought you wouldn’t notice!”
“You were right in front of me. I was talking to you. Or at least at you,” seethed Smoker.
“… Oops?”
Smoker rubbed his head and sighed. “Right. Carrying on. As everyone’s hopefully aware, one doesn’t generally find scullery-boys with Devil Fruits, seeing as how they’re usually reserved for the military or government-use. As far as I was aware, his… unnatural powers could be the result of nothing but a Devil Fruit.”
“But how does that lead to me?” Portgas wondered, while Smoker completely ignored the way his shirt shifted with the movement of his muscles. No! Justice!
“With some difficulty,” the ex-Marine acknowledged, “but my suspicions paid off with some detective-work. Seeing the use of a Devil Fruit reminded me of the other strange powers possible - and the one that immediately sprang to mind was the Mera-Mera Fruit, which was the focus of a major investigation back when I was a Commodore. In fact, it was one of my close colleagues, Captain Hina, who was in charge of the enquiry.
“If this was, as I believed possible, an act of murder, then there had to be both a murderer and a motive. After careful investigation, those of you gathered here were the only ones with motives.”
He glared around, as if to say, ‘You’re all guilty in my eyes, and I’d like to see every one of you executed. Twice. Justice!’, but that could have just been everyone’s imagination.
“Luffy D. Monkey was the first one who was certainly innocent - with the Gomu-Gomu Fruit, it would be impossible for him to eat the Mera-Mera. But as I investigated each suspect’s past,” he went on, beginning to prowl around the room like a very, very big cat wearing a jacket and carrying a jitte that every police-force ignored rather than bother attempting to ply it away from him, “I learned something interesting about the past of each person in this room. Except for me. And Tashigi. And the detectives.” He paused. “Actually, I learned things about the detectives too.”
“Wait, so you’re just going to spill everyone’s secrets in front of us?” Sanji wondered, “Isn’t that unethical?”
Nami stopped taking notes and threw a pencil at him. “Shut up, chef!”
“Of course, Nami-sw~an! Iced tea to tantalise your delicate taste-buds?”
“Ignoring the idiots,” Smoker continued, ignoring the idiots (he often followed his own orders, because they were generally the best ones he ever heard), “let’s move on. Tashigi, explain.“
Tashigi saluted, for no apparent reason. But she was so damn cute no-one questioned it. “Yes! While looking into the pasts of each of you, Smoker and I found some fairly shocking things. But our findings only grew stranger once we stopped focusing on your sex lives.“
“Hey!”
“Yes, Detective Helmeppo, I’m afraid we are aware of your kinky sex games with Detective Coby. Although I’m not sure why Smoker ordered me to watch you both.”
As everyone turned to the man for an explanation, Smoker shrugged and took a drag on his cigar. “It was April 1st.”
“Oh. Well, in any case, “ Tashigi went on, “firstly, we discovered that Baroness Robin is, in fact, the missing genius historian Robin Jaguar, who was only released from prison for the Ohara Massacre some years ago, when the true culprit was found. We presumed she wanted to forget her tragic past, so Smoker told me not to tell anyone.” She paused and slumped. “Oops.”
Robin smiled. “I don’t mind.”
“Her pay’s still docked,” Smoker grumbled, which would have upset Tashigi more if she actually got paid, rather than living on her inheritance. Still, the idea of having caused her role model and mentor to be displeased with her made her tear up and ~wibble~ thus causing everyone to coo over her for several seconds. Except for Smoker, who was too manly for that.
Mostly. But he gave her a lollipop and continued himself.
“Most importantly of the Baroness’ story, she is also a Devil Fruit user, and thus couldn’t be the murderer. The same for Dr. Chopper, who is - in point of fact - a Human-Human Fruit user, and actually a reindeer.”
Everyone stopped listening to turn and study the doctor.
“Oh yeah,” Usopp said in surprise, “I hadn’t noticed.”
“I had!” Luffy beamed, picking his nose. “He’s made of MEAT!”
Chopper squealed and failed to hide behind his chair.
“Bad Luffy! No eating the Doctor!” Usopp scolded, slapping the boy around the head. Luffy pouted and mumbled something about ‘wouldn’t really’, before ruining it by flicking his eyes between the doctor and a conveniently-placed bottle of ketchup.
“Idiots,” muttered Smoker, because he needed to point it out to himself, at least. “Anyway. Another secret Devil Fruit user would be Brooke Funnybones, who is actually a walking skeleton wearing a latex suit which looks like flesh.”
“So that’s why his eyes are giant, gaping sockets!” Nami marvelled, and started writing more feverishly than before.
Smoker took a deep breath, wondering why he had to deal with such idiots, but was thankfully broken out of his reverie as Zoro woke up with a snort and looked around blearily. “What’s going on?”
“Smokey-guy’s telling us who murdered that fat guy!” Luffy explained helpfully.
Zoro considered this. “Is there booze?”
“Nami has iced tea?” the boy suggested.
“No booze, then. Wake me when there is.” He started snoring again.
Portgas - who was a goddamn murderer, and not at all someone that Smoker would like to have writhing under him and breathlessly begging for more, unless it was for more Justice - grinned across the room at the ex-Marine. “Funny, how many Devil Fruits users there all are in one place, huh?”
GLARE, GLARE, GLARE went Smoker. He was good at it. He’d got top marks in the Angry Facial Expressions class at the Academy. It was a pity Portgas seemed unaffected. “Shut. Up.”
“I’m just sayi-”
“SHUT. UP.”
Ace ~wibbled~, but Smoker was too manly. He didn’t even give the brat a lollipop.
“Moving on,” Smoker said, moving on, because that order was a good one too, “Franky is also out of the running, because he’s actually been a cyborg for the last couple of decades, and subsists entirely on Coke, thus removing the possibility of his eating any kind of solid food.”
“This is just getting stupid now,” Sanji muttered, withdrawing a cigarette which Ace helpfully lit. “Shouldn’t that bastard be arresting you instead of letting a suspected murderer hang around near potential victims?”
“Well, he’s a little too busy bashing his head against a wall, thanks to Luffy,” Ace pointed out. “Can I have one of those iced teas?”
“Help yourself.”
Smoker finally managed to get Luffy to shut up about what Smokey-guy was going to do about Fat Guy having stolen his meat, and cleared his throat. “With the suspects narrowed down to Lord and Lady Usopp and Kaya, Nami, Sanji, Zoro and Portgas,” GLARE, GLARE, GLARE, “we could focus in more detail. Fortunately, we didn’t need to. While I was researching local news, I discovered that during the past Winter, the local Snowman-Building Championships were cancelled, after all the snowmen were mysteriously melted the night before judging.”
“I was drunk!” Portgas wailed, blushing. Smoker fixed the look in his memory, because he’d want to compare the blush to how the younger man looked when he was flushed and moan- Justice! Justice!
“While Tashigi was busy researching the shopping sales,” Smoker persisted, making his assistant tremble, “I followed up this information, and discovered that Nami was out of the country at the time, reporting on the infamous Flying Fish Raiders, and their stunningly attractive leader, Handsome.”
“He was a jerk,” Nami informed everyone. (“I’ll beat him for you, Nami-sw~an!”)
“I then discovered that neither the Lord and Lady could be the perps, because not only did Lady Kaya once suffer from a debilitating that left her body weakened, eating a Devil Fruit and suffering its body-altering effects would be almost certainly fatal for her.”
“It’s true,” Kaya sobbed, her eyes beginning to water, “it was the worst flu, ever!”
Usopp patted her hand, before they suddenly and randomly began making out and petting each other. Everyone ignored it. They did it a lot.
“Lord Usopp also couldn’t have eaten the Fruit,” Smoker said coolly, in both terms of the word, “because unlike his wife, he never recovered from his own debilitating disease - Definitely-Can’t-Eat-Any-Kind-Of-Fruit-itis.”
Nami looked shocked. “You meant that was true?!”
Chopper poked his head out from behind a chair. “Of course! Just like his Can’t-Step-On-An-Island-Beginning-With-‘L’ phobia, and his amazing Defeat-Everyone-In-The-Universe-With-A-Single-Blow attack!”
“Don’t we live on an island beginning with the letter ‘L’?” Nami puzzled.
“As long as he returns from a trip by hopping or jumping from the boat to the port, it’s fine,” reassured Robin, who Knows Everything.
“Down to only three suspects, I then discovered that their bodyguard, Zoro, was asleep at the time of the murder; and not only that, but a member of the Society of Swordsman Who Don’t Like Cheating Bastard Opponents, which test their members each month with seastone, to make sure they don’t use Devil Fruits. And steroid-tests, but no-one uses steroids any more.”
Everyone nodded wisely, because the recent scandal over the Loguetown football team turning out to be secretly using Devil Fruit powers was widely known. It probably would have gone unnoticed if one of the players hadn’t been an elephant Zoan, which was a bit hard to miss, especially in the replayed footage.
“So how did you drop me as a suspect?” Sanji asked, intrigued. “Was it my inherent honesty and good nature? My undeniable awesomeness?”
“No. It was because I pushed you in the manors swimming pool and you didn’t drown.”
“I thought I tripped!!“
“Heh. The love-cook thought he tripped.”
“Shut up, Moss-head! You’re meant to be sleeping!!”
Smoker battled resolutely on. “In any case, we were down to just Portgas, And then he tripped up.”
“Not like the pervert-chef.”
“SHUT IT, MOSS-HEAD!!“
“Both of you shut the fuck up. I’m speaking, now.” GLARE, GLARE, GLARE.
Everyone shut the fuck up.
“In any case, we were now down to just Ac- Portgas. And unlike the chef, he failed the swimming pool test.”
Portgas pouted. “I thought you just wanted to see me wet, with my clothes clinging. Maybe take a shower with me. Are you saying it wasn’t that?”
Certainly not. Smoker had never considered it. “Maybe.” No! “I mean, it wasn’t that.” Stupid other head!
“The final clue came when, just yesterday, you left your coffee for several hours - and then drank it without reheating it.”
Portgas considered this. “Maybe I like cold coffee.”
“Cold, steaming coffee?”
“Huh. Well, maybe I do.”
“Shut it, Portgas.” Or I’ll shut it for you. With my TONGU- no! Justice! “Ahem. Not that any of this matters, because as I looked for a motive, I discovered that Blackbeard wasn’t his real name at all… he was actually Teach D. Marshall, the mass-murdering Government operative, wanted worldwide for his crimes against humanity.”
“… I knew that.” said Portgas, his face suspiciously blank.
“Whatever. Anyway, you’re getting a ten-million dollar reward and a medal. Case closed.”
“Score! For, um justice.” A- Portgas amended. Smoker GLARED.
“Uh- shouldn’t we be arresting him for murder, anyway?” Helmeppo frowned.
Smoker rolled his eyes. “Considering Marshall killed several dozen agents, nearly a hundred Marines, and several-hundred civilians in his bombings, I don’t think any charges would stick. But Portgas, I have to ask…”
The brat looked hopeful. “Whether I’m free tonight?”
Yes. “No. What was your motive? Why kill him?”
“Well…” the butler sighed, sneaking a quick pout in, “apart from the fact I completely and totally recognised him, and you have no evidence that I didn’t - he stole Luffy‘s meat.”
“…” said everyone. Except for Franky, who shouted, “SUPER!”, and Luffy, who grinned and blew a raspberry for no earthly reason.
“You killed him because he stole a scullery boy’s meat,” Smoker stated emotionlessly.
Portgas nodded. “Yes. You see, I took this job to get close to Luffy, who’s actually my long-lost brother, after our father kidnapped him when he was just a baby.”
“Brother!” Luffy gawped in delight, pausing in the task of sprinkling salt on Dr. Chopper.
“Brother?!” Sanji stared, aghast.
“Brother, huh? I had a brother, and his name was SOGEKING,” Usopp declared triumphantly.
“Brother,” smiled Robin enigmatically, because she’d known all along. That’s why she’s Robin.
“Speak slower, I can’t keep up,” Nami ordered, halfway through her notebook.
Everyone else kept quiet because they were shocked, bewildered, nay, flabbergasted by this stunning and not at all obvious revelation of sibling-hood.
“*snore*” said Zoro.
“Fuck this stupidity,” Smoker rumbled stubbing out his cigar on a priceless antique tapestry. “I’m out of here. Portgas?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m picking you up at eight. Don’t wear underwear.”
“SCORE!”
Now I'm going away for a half-hour to get rid of my headache caused by INSANITY. Urk.
It is delicious crack! Eat it!
Title: Smoker Holmes and the Mysterious Case of Flaming Death
Smoker glared around the lounge, his gaze brutally, viciously and not very politely stabbing each of the gathered persons. He crossed his arms while Tashigi, fiddling uneasily with Shigure, barred the door.
“Uh, is there a reason we’re all here?” Lord Usopp questioned, squeezing Lady Kaya’s hand - she appeared to be holding up significantly better than her husband over the stress of the last few days. “If you need to question us aga-”
“There’s no need for any more questions,” Smoker growled, withdrawing a cigar from a loop on his jacket. “I have all the evidence I need to bring the perpetrator to Justice.”
The gathered suspects and witnesses reacted just as he suspected they would; Baroness Robin quirked an eyebrow in mild interest, scullery-boy Luffy’s jaw dropped (further than could be humanly natural) in excitement, Dr. Chopper wriggled in shock and clapped his hands to his cheeks, chef Sanji stared suspiciously at bodyguard Zoro (who was asleep, the bastard), reporter Nami brought out her notebook and leered expectantly at him, handyman Franky yelled, “SUPER!”, the bony entertainer Brooke’s facial features remained as still and unreadable as ever, and…
And Ace D. Portgas, butler to the Lord and Lady, just grinned back at him, slouched against the opposite wall with that smug look that Smoker wanted to rip off his damn face.
Detectives Coby and Helmeppo gawped in amazement at Smoker. “What! But we’ve already determined the death was spontaneous human combustion!”
“Yeah!” Helmeppo asserted, rising to his friend’s defence. “We already closed the case, just like Captain Alvida told us to! I know it’s freaky as all hell, but he died right in front of everyone. There’s no way anyone touched him!”
Smoker smirked, holding up the unlit cigar. “It was no accident, I assure you, Detectives - and there is a way the crime could have been committed. Ace D. Portgas; why don’t you demonstrate?”
The butler cocked his head to the side and looked innocent. “Me, Smoker?”
“That’s Holmes to you, brat,” snapped Smoker Holmes, resisting the urge to grind his teeth together, possibly with Portgas’ neck between them. His long, smooth, tann- no! Bad thoughts! Justice! “As I was saying - why not demonstrate for us just how easy it is for someone like you to create a fire from a distance?”
Portgas’ face fell into a scowl and he straightened, even as the others turned to stare at him. “I could say I don’t know what you’re talking about, Smoker, but it seems you have me, and I’m not one to drag out the inevitable. Especially not if it keeps a cute little thing like Tashigi there from her lunch,” he added, turning to wink flirtily at Smoker’s assistant.
“Dr. Tashigi is a world-class expert in shinystabbyology, and certainly not a ‘cute little thing’!” Smoker snarled, uncrossing his arms and stepping forwards, one hand twitching to reach for his jitte. “Now, brat - are you going to demonstrate, or not?”
“You’re not seriously sayi-” Coby began nervously, but was cut off by the chorus of gasps (and cry of “SUPER!”) as the cigar Smoker held sparked alight. “Wh-what happened?!”
Smoker fixed predatory eyes on the criminal. “The Mera-Mera Fruit - and the man who ate it.”
“The Devil Fruit that was stolen three years ago,” Baroness Robin murmured, regarding Portgas with a faint smile. “It made headlines around the world, I believe - the audacity of stealing from casino-billionaire Crocodile Rains… and yet, despite his threats and offered rewards, the Fruit was never recovered.”
Coby groaned. “I read about that, but I never suspected…!”
“It’s doubtful you would,” Smoker sighed, rolling his eyes at how damn useless everyone but himself was, and started smoking. The cigar, I mean. He smoked the cigar. “Tashigi - why don’t you explain.”
“Ah! Yes, Smoker!” Tashigi snapped to attention, and pushed her glasses up. “As you’ll know, the victim - Tenryubito Blackbeard - was disliked by many, which left plenty of suspects.”
“He stole my meat!” wailed Luffy, which everyone ignored.
The doctor of shinystabbyology continued, “However, despite the horrifically violent, long, agonising manner of his death, in which he ran screaming and flailing around the ballroom, his clothes and body on fire, skin melting, eyeballs bursti-”
Smoker coughed loudly.
“- right, sorry, sir. Anyway, despite the manner of his death, it appeared to be an unfortunate Act of God, spontaneous combustion being a scientifically and legally recognised cause of death. However, Smoker recognised something suspicious about the entire set-up…”
“But what about my meat?” muttered Luffy. They ignored that, too.
Smoker stepped in. “The first thing that raised my suspicions was when Luffy D. Monkey’s arm stretched across the interrogation room to steal my coffee.”
“Oops,” Luffy said, grinning far wider than he should be able to). “I thought you wouldn’t notice!”
“You were right in front of me. I was talking to you. Or at least at you,” seethed Smoker.
“… Oops?”
Smoker rubbed his head and sighed. “Right. Carrying on. As everyone’s hopefully aware, one doesn’t generally find scullery-boys with Devil Fruits, seeing as how they’re usually reserved for the military or government-use. As far as I was aware, his… unnatural powers could be the result of nothing but a Devil Fruit.”
“But how does that lead to me?” Portgas wondered, while Smoker completely ignored the way his shirt shifted with the movement of his muscles. No! Justice!
“With some difficulty,” the ex-Marine acknowledged, “but my suspicions paid off with some detective-work. Seeing the use of a Devil Fruit reminded me of the other strange powers possible - and the one that immediately sprang to mind was the Mera-Mera Fruit, which was the focus of a major investigation back when I was a Commodore. In fact, it was one of my close colleagues, Captain Hina, who was in charge of the enquiry.
“If this was, as I believed possible, an act of murder, then there had to be both a murderer and a motive. After careful investigation, those of you gathered here were the only ones with motives.”
He glared around, as if to say, ‘You’re all guilty in my eyes, and I’d like to see every one of you executed. Twice. Justice!’, but that could have just been everyone’s imagination.
“Luffy D. Monkey was the first one who was certainly innocent - with the Gomu-Gomu Fruit, it would be impossible for him to eat the Mera-Mera. But as I investigated each suspect’s past,” he went on, beginning to prowl around the room like a very, very big cat wearing a jacket and carrying a jitte that every police-force ignored rather than bother attempting to ply it away from him, “I learned something interesting about the past of each person in this room. Except for me. And Tashigi. And the detectives.” He paused. “Actually, I learned things about the detectives too.”
“Wait, so you’re just going to spill everyone’s secrets in front of us?” Sanji wondered, “Isn’t that unethical?”
Nami stopped taking notes and threw a pencil at him. “Shut up, chef!”
“Of course, Nami-sw~an! Iced tea to tantalise your delicate taste-buds?”
“Ignoring the idiots,” Smoker continued, ignoring the idiots (he often followed his own orders, because they were generally the best ones he ever heard), “let’s move on. Tashigi, explain.“
Tashigi saluted, for no apparent reason. But she was so damn cute no-one questioned it. “Yes! While looking into the pasts of each of you, Smoker and I found some fairly shocking things. But our findings only grew stranger once we stopped focusing on your sex lives.“
“Hey!”
“Yes, Detective Helmeppo, I’m afraid we are aware of your kinky sex games with Detective Coby. Although I’m not sure why Smoker ordered me to watch you both.”
As everyone turned to the man for an explanation, Smoker shrugged and took a drag on his cigar. “It was April 1st.”
“Oh. Well, in any case, “ Tashigi went on, “firstly, we discovered that Baroness Robin is, in fact, the missing genius historian Robin Jaguar, who was only released from prison for the Ohara Massacre some years ago, when the true culprit was found. We presumed she wanted to forget her tragic past, so Smoker told me not to tell anyone.” She paused and slumped. “Oops.”
Robin smiled. “I don’t mind.”
“Her pay’s still docked,” Smoker grumbled, which would have upset Tashigi more if she actually got paid, rather than living on her inheritance. Still, the idea of having caused her role model and mentor to be displeased with her made her tear up and ~wibble~ thus causing everyone to coo over her for several seconds. Except for Smoker, who was too manly for that.
Mostly. But he gave her a lollipop and continued himself.
“Most importantly of the Baroness’ story, she is also a Devil Fruit user, and thus couldn’t be the murderer. The same for Dr. Chopper, who is - in point of fact - a Human-Human Fruit user, and actually a reindeer.”
Everyone stopped listening to turn and study the doctor.
“Oh yeah,” Usopp said in surprise, “I hadn’t noticed.”
“I had!” Luffy beamed, picking his nose. “He’s made of MEAT!”
Chopper squealed and failed to hide behind his chair.
“Bad Luffy! No eating the Doctor!” Usopp scolded, slapping the boy around the head. Luffy pouted and mumbled something about ‘wouldn’t really’, before ruining it by flicking his eyes between the doctor and a conveniently-placed bottle of ketchup.
“Idiots,” muttered Smoker, because he needed to point it out to himself, at least. “Anyway. Another secret Devil Fruit user would be Brooke Funnybones, who is actually a walking skeleton wearing a latex suit which looks like flesh.”
“So that’s why his eyes are giant, gaping sockets!” Nami marvelled, and started writing more feverishly than before.
Smoker took a deep breath, wondering why he had to deal with such idiots, but was thankfully broken out of his reverie as Zoro woke up with a snort and looked around blearily. “What’s going on?”
“Smokey-guy’s telling us who murdered that fat guy!” Luffy explained helpfully.
Zoro considered this. “Is there booze?”
“Nami has iced tea?” the boy suggested.
“No booze, then. Wake me when there is.” He started snoring again.
Portgas - who was a goddamn murderer, and not at all someone that Smoker would like to have writhing under him and breathlessly begging for more, unless it was for more Justice - grinned across the room at the ex-Marine. “Funny, how many Devil Fruits users there all are in one place, huh?”
GLARE, GLARE, GLARE went Smoker. He was good at it. He’d got top marks in the Angry Facial Expressions class at the Academy. It was a pity Portgas seemed unaffected. “Shut. Up.”
“I’m just sayi-”
“SHUT. UP.”
Ace ~wibbled~, but Smoker was too manly. He didn’t even give the brat a lollipop.
“Moving on,” Smoker said, moving on, because that order was a good one too, “Franky is also out of the running, because he’s actually been a cyborg for the last couple of decades, and subsists entirely on Coke, thus removing the possibility of his eating any kind of solid food.”
“This is just getting stupid now,” Sanji muttered, withdrawing a cigarette which Ace helpfully lit. “Shouldn’t that bastard be arresting you instead of letting a suspected murderer hang around near potential victims?”
“Well, he’s a little too busy bashing his head against a wall, thanks to Luffy,” Ace pointed out. “Can I have one of those iced teas?”
“Help yourself.”
Smoker finally managed to get Luffy to shut up about what Smokey-guy was going to do about Fat Guy having stolen his meat, and cleared his throat. “With the suspects narrowed down to Lord and Lady Usopp and Kaya, Nami, Sanji, Zoro and Portgas,” GLARE, GLARE, GLARE, “we could focus in more detail. Fortunately, we didn’t need to. While I was researching local news, I discovered that during the past Winter, the local Snowman-Building Championships were cancelled, after all the snowmen were mysteriously melted the night before judging.”
“I was drunk!” Portgas wailed, blushing. Smoker fixed the look in his memory, because he’d want to compare the blush to how the younger man looked when he was flushed and moan- Justice! Justice!
“While Tashigi was busy researching the shopping sales,” Smoker persisted, making his assistant tremble, “I followed up this information, and discovered that Nami was out of the country at the time, reporting on the infamous Flying Fish Raiders, and their stunningly attractive leader, Handsome.”
“He was a jerk,” Nami informed everyone. (“I’ll beat him for you, Nami-sw~an!”)
“I then discovered that neither the Lord and Lady could be the perps, because not only did Lady Kaya once suffer from a debilitating that left her body weakened, eating a Devil Fruit and suffering its body-altering effects would be almost certainly fatal for her.”
“It’s true,” Kaya sobbed, her eyes beginning to water, “it was the worst flu, ever!”
Usopp patted her hand, before they suddenly and randomly began making out and petting each other. Everyone ignored it. They did it a lot.
“Lord Usopp also couldn’t have eaten the Fruit,” Smoker said coolly, in both terms of the word, “because unlike his wife, he never recovered from his own debilitating disease - Definitely-Can’t-Eat-Any-Kind-Of-Fruit-itis.”
Nami looked shocked. “You meant that was true?!”
Chopper poked his head out from behind a chair. “Of course! Just like his Can’t-Step-On-An-Island-Beginning-With-‘L’ phobia, and his amazing Defeat-Everyone-In-The-Universe-With-A-Single-Blow attack!”
“Don’t we live on an island beginning with the letter ‘L’?” Nami puzzled.
“As long as he returns from a trip by hopping or jumping from the boat to the port, it’s fine,” reassured Robin, who Knows Everything.
“Down to only three suspects, I then discovered that their bodyguard, Zoro, was asleep at the time of the murder; and not only that, but a member of the Society of Swordsman Who Don’t Like Cheating Bastard Opponents, which test their members each month with seastone, to make sure they don’t use Devil Fruits. And steroid-tests, but no-one uses steroids any more.”
Everyone nodded wisely, because the recent scandal over the Loguetown football team turning out to be secretly using Devil Fruit powers was widely known. It probably would have gone unnoticed if one of the players hadn’t been an elephant Zoan, which was a bit hard to miss, especially in the replayed footage.
“So how did you drop me as a suspect?” Sanji asked, intrigued. “Was it my inherent honesty and good nature? My undeniable awesomeness?”
“No. It was because I pushed you in the manors swimming pool and you didn’t drown.”
“I thought I tripped!!“
“Heh. The love-cook thought he tripped.”
“Shut up, Moss-head! You’re meant to be sleeping!!”
Smoker battled resolutely on. “In any case, we were down to just Portgas, And then he tripped up.”
“Not like the pervert-chef.”
“SHUT IT, MOSS-HEAD!!“
“Both of you shut the fuck up. I’m speaking, now.” GLARE, GLARE, GLARE.
Everyone shut the fuck up.
“In any case, we were now down to just Ac- Portgas. And unlike the chef, he failed the swimming pool test.”
Portgas pouted. “I thought you just wanted to see me wet, with my clothes clinging. Maybe take a shower with me. Are you saying it wasn’t that?”
Certainly not. Smoker had never considered it. “Maybe.” No! “I mean, it wasn’t that.” Stupid other head!
“The final clue came when, just yesterday, you left your coffee for several hours - and then drank it without reheating it.”
Portgas considered this. “Maybe I like cold coffee.”
“Cold, steaming coffee?”
“Huh. Well, maybe I do.”
“Shut it, Portgas.” Or I’ll shut it for you. With my TONGU- no! Justice! “Ahem. Not that any of this matters, because as I looked for a motive, I discovered that Blackbeard wasn’t his real name at all… he was actually Teach D. Marshall, the mass-murdering Government operative, wanted worldwide for his crimes against humanity.”
“… I knew that.” said Portgas, his face suspiciously blank.
“Whatever. Anyway, you’re getting a ten-million dollar reward and a medal. Case closed.”
“Score! For, um justice.” A- Portgas amended. Smoker GLARED.
“Uh- shouldn’t we be arresting him for murder, anyway?” Helmeppo frowned.
Smoker rolled his eyes. “Considering Marshall killed several dozen agents, nearly a hundred Marines, and several-hundred civilians in his bombings, I don’t think any charges would stick. But Portgas, I have to ask…”
The brat looked hopeful. “Whether I’m free tonight?”
Yes. “No. What was your motive? Why kill him?”
“Well…” the butler sighed, sneaking a quick pout in, “apart from the fact I completely and totally recognised him, and you have no evidence that I didn’t - he stole Luffy‘s meat.”
“…” said everyone. Except for Franky, who shouted, “SUPER!”, and Luffy, who grinned and blew a raspberry for no earthly reason.
“You killed him because he stole a scullery boy’s meat,” Smoker stated emotionlessly.
Portgas nodded. “Yes. You see, I took this job to get close to Luffy, who’s actually my long-lost brother, after our father kidnapped him when he was just a baby.”
“Brother!” Luffy gawped in delight, pausing in the task of sprinkling salt on Dr. Chopper.
“Brother?!” Sanji stared, aghast.
“Brother, huh? I had a brother, and his name was SOGEKING,” Usopp declared triumphantly.
“Brother,” smiled Robin enigmatically, because she’d known all along. That’s why she’s Robin.
“Speak slower, I can’t keep up,” Nami ordered, halfway through her notebook.
Everyone else kept quiet because they were shocked, bewildered, nay, flabbergasted by this stunning and not at all obvious revelation of sibling-hood.
“*snore*” said Zoro.
“Fuck this stupidity,” Smoker rumbled stubbing out his cigar on a priceless antique tapestry. “I’m out of here. Portgas?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m picking you up at eight. Don’t wear underwear.”
“SCORE!”
Now I'm going away for a half-hour to get rid of my headache caused by INSANITY. Urk.