(no subject)
100_situations
Prompt 76: BABY
Warnings/Summary: Crack! Crack! Because I saw this prompt and thought '...yeah. No, but yeah. How can I kill everyone with sheer *wrongness*?'
Title: Fatherhood: The Art of Running In the Opposite Direction. Quickly.
"In case you hadn't guessed, Commander," the first-mate said drolly, gazing down at the burbling lump of human flesh, "this is your most terrifying responsibility to date."
"You mean your responsibility," insisted Ace as angelically as an infamous pirate could, while trying to shove the blanket-wrapped bundle into his first-mate's arms.
Said first-mate, also known as Taki, kept his arms pointedly down, knowing his Commander wouldn't actually risk dropping the demon-spawn ... thing. Probably. "I'm not taking it."
Pause.
"Please?"
"No."
"Crap."
Ace followed his nakama's stare. It was... pink. And chubby. The eyes were closed, but the sparse crop of hair was black, which led credence to the now-deceased mother's insistence on paternity. More evidence was that the baby had, in the hour that Ace had been forced to take custody of it, caused a chain of events that led to half his division's flagship being painted lime green, one of the crewmembers being revealed as another crewmember's long-lost brother, and a new craze for embroidery starting.
It had to be a D. There was no other explanation.
"I think it just crapped," Ace muttered.
Taki wrinkled his nose. "I think so too. Well, while you clean it up, you can find out what sex it is. Good luck!"
"Wh- wait! Taki! Come back! That's an order, dammit!"
And that's why you should always use a condom. Unless, you know, you want a baby. In which case you should just use a psychiatrist. I mean, don't use a psychiatrist as a condom - they wouldn't fit. Just, y'know, get your head checked.
Oh, and happy birthday, Ace!
Prompt 76: BABY
Warnings/Summary: Crack! Crack! Because I saw this prompt and thought '...yeah. No, but yeah. How can I kill everyone with sheer *wrongness*?'
Title: Fatherhood: The Art of Running In the Opposite Direction. Quickly.
"In case you hadn't guessed, Commander," the first-mate said drolly, gazing down at the burbling lump of human flesh, "this is your most terrifying responsibility to date."
"You mean your responsibility," insisted Ace as angelically as an infamous pirate could, while trying to shove the blanket-wrapped bundle into his first-mate's arms.
Said first-mate, also known as Taki, kept his arms pointedly down, knowing his Commander wouldn't actually risk dropping the demon-spawn ... thing. Probably. "I'm not taking it."
Pause.
"Please?"
"No."
"Crap."
Ace followed his nakama's stare. It was... pink. And chubby. The eyes were closed, but the sparse crop of hair was black, which led credence to the now-deceased mother's insistence on paternity. More evidence was that the baby had, in the hour that Ace had been forced to take custody of it, caused a chain of events that led to half his division's flagship being painted lime green, one of the crewmembers being revealed as another crewmember's long-lost brother, and a new craze for embroidery starting.
It had to be a D. There was no other explanation.
"I think it just crapped," Ace muttered.
Taki wrinkled his nose. "I think so too. Well, while you clean it up, you can find out what sex it is. Good luck!"
"Wh- wait! Taki! Come back! That's an order, dammit!"
And that's why you should always use a condom. Unless, you know, you want a baby. In which case you should just use a psychiatrist. I mean, don't use a psychiatrist as a condom - they wouldn't fit. Just, y'know, get your head checked.
Oh, and happy birthday, Ace!