life as I know it
so from every angle of my world I am getting hit with huge maybe even life altering bombs. So where do i go the only place I know no one in the world will find my stuff. No one reads it because hey I haven't written here in 83 weeks. In those weeks I have come to many conclusions about my life. FIRST and foremost I miss....painfully miss my mind altering substances. I don't feel right in the world without them. It has been two years and while some people see that as a great accomplishment, I see it as a regret. I miss the feeling of being on top of the world, the feeling of invincibility, the crazy, out of control, insane rush I use to get. Granted I am in a situation now where if I use I loose a very important person in my life. I guess it doesn't matter because any substances I may have wanted to get my hands on I either can't or have lost contact (in a bad way) with the people who provided it. The second thing is that I miss the person I use to be. Not just the wonderful skinny body, but the lively and vivacious character I once was. Instead of being social and full of personality and great ideas, I am bitter, fat, cynical and loosing all faith in myself. Another problem is my instable working history. Not only do I not have a job but I haven't in months. Normally this wouldn't pose a problem accept/except (HEY FUCK YOU!) I am bleeding dry the bank account of my boyfriend. Who I am pretty sure no longer really wants much to do with me. Sometimes I wish he would just do it and get it over with because it seems inevitable that he wants to leave but doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I have sorta been preparing for him to do it. That is the negative person in me I guess. Maybe I am underestimating him in the regards that if he really wanted to he would have done it by now. Next is school. I want to be done and when I finally get on board my mother decides to delay payment cause me to have to push back school another year. And my father well the relationship string is about to be snipped with the arrival of my possible half sibling to a girl that is my brothers age. I also miss my old friends. I miss my old life. well not the parts where I lived or had to communicate to my divorced or married parents. I miss myself.