How many fires, to make you feel pure again…
Originally published at Dancin' In The Wind.... Please leave any comments there.
Today has given me lots of time to think, that’s for sure. Aimlessly driving around for 4 hours will give you that though. …you have no idea how much I wish I was exaggerating on that time. I noticed the clock said 3:11 when I got in the car, and I got home around 7:07. yea. lame.
After uploading some crazy amazing stuff to the iPod- I set out. Where to? I had no idea. Where’d I end up? …Indianapolis, to sum it up lol. Greenwood, Avon, Speedway, 38th Street, Danville, Brownsburg, and Plainfield. Yea. Pretty crazy.
I used about half a tank of gas. hah. Gas is cheap now, so I might as well take advantage of it, as it’s already shown signs of trying to go up. My generation doesn’t truly hold the luxury of just getting in the car and driving, without a $50 consequence.
Regardless.
Lots of thinking was done. Some really big realizations were made. Memories came back that I always kind of knew existed, but didn’t ever know what they were. That was definitely interesting, to say the least. Life-changing? Maybe…had I not expected it, especially over the past year. Lovely, lovely suppression. It was a rather distressing afternoon- much of which was spent on the verge of tears, never having the ability to actually cry. How I wish that were something new *rolls eyes* I swear. I think I’m just trying to be lame.
I took a step tonight. A step that, in all honesty, scares the living hell out of me, to put it bluntly. I’m not sure what’s to come of it…maybe it will be horrible, maybe it will just give me some false comfort for a while. I’m not sure. I wish I knew. At the time, it seemed good to leave options open. Good? eh. Scratch that. Necessary, I think. I don’t know what I was thinking, really. Maybe I wasn’t. I’ll go with that- as it makes the most sense.
All that being said, while none of it really makes any public sense, God is not far off. I’m just tired of running from things, always thinking I’ve come out on top, only to have it hit me over the head again and again. Were my motives entirely pure? I only wish. I know better than that. But…for now- that is how I will justify it.
I know things will work out. I know what the end result is- I just don’t know how all of the in between time is going to be filled with. And while I know things will be fine in the end, that never means that the time I’m in now won’t be incredibly rocky and ugly.
I’m sick and tired of having all of these ‘mini-valley’s’, only to be happy for a week or so, and have some stupid new drama. It’s this endless cycle that I know is so pointless, and so far from how it should be. ‘When it’s good it’s really good, but when it’s bad it’s really not worth talking about’…yea. Hits the nail on the head. The good far surpasses anything and everything- but the bad, I’m just tired of it.
So I’m going to be serious. I’m not running back on a spiritual high, I’m not staying on a spiritual high, I’m not going to be defined by a spiritual high. How can you tell in the midst though? I don’t know.
I do know, though, that nothing is being accomplished really. I’ve been running in this same circle for two years…and I’m progressing, but I’m progressing in circles. Why not run straight, instead of slowly progressing circles? And I’ve tried, for two years, to simply grow away from problems. To ignore, to ‘deal’, to run. And that’s not working. It has- and sometimes for even months at a time, but I don’t want months. I want a life. Time for a new plan. Time to face it.
Just as I believe that taboo’s should be uncovered, should evils not be faced?
Maybe it’s a longshot. But this isn’t realistic anymore. It reminds me far too much of Rockville Road. I’m sitting there, going 50, when the speed limit is 45, and yet here come more cars- forcing me to 55, 60, and eventually, they get sick of me going so ’slow’ that the speed off into the other lane and around me…and after this happens so many times, you just want to slam on the breaks and let them crash in to you. That or hope that they slow down to, so you can just get out of your car and flip out on them, begging them to just be through with you, and go around, instead of continuing to push, and push, and push.
It’s been creeping up, and when it was in the distance, I could go 45…but then it gets closer- so to stay away from it, I up it to 50. No problem. But then it really gets on my tail, forcing me higher and higher. And I just want to stop, and slam on my breaks and just throw my hands up- asking what it wants from me, what it’s going to take. Do I have to reverse? Fine…I don’t care at this point. You want me to flip my car, to clear the road for you? Great. That’s just peachy. But either way- just pass and ride off in the sunset, and leave me alone. for once.
You know. It was so much easier to be a passenger of the car that now comes up on my tail now.
Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately actually, my problem is not a person. I can’t flip out on it (…thus I cannot be arrested for harassment haha). I always wondered if I could actually flip out on someone…until, of course, I did. No question there. But really…it’s just…weird. There’s nothing to face but myself. A part of myself. Half of me has to face the other half of me. And when it’s dead even, that’s scary. When your will and your comfort, and familiarity and everything of the sense team up to go against what is good…that’s a scary situation. When your entire self has gone to the ‘bad team’, but still, everything in you tells you to go with the good…it just comes out sucking.
I guess this all sounds rather depressing. And I guess it is. I mean, I guess it’s not overly great that I’m at the ‘trust, but can’t follow’ stage, right? I’ve said it before (not so ironically, about a year ago), and got called out for it, but things suck and I need time to suck, and waller while I’m figuring things out, because obviously what I’ve done in the past hasn’t been right, and if I’ve tried that and failed 50 times before, I’m sorry- but I don’t want to fall for the 51st time, with an ever lovely “oh, things are GREAT….*wait 2 days*….wow, this sucks” That’s disgusting. I hate it with everything in me. It’s a disgrace through and through. I often think I’d rather walk around thinking life sucks, instead of tearing down the image of God. Now granted, I don’t get out much, but it’s almost amusing, how back and forth my posts are.
Who, who’s touched you child?
Now you can’t feel a thing, not anything
Who’s been the one telling you lies?
Now you’ll believe anything
oh you gotta let,
let it all come out
let, let it all come out
right now
right nowHow, how many fires
to make you feel pure again,
alive again?
And what will it take,
what has to break,
for you to begin again?
What will it take?
oh you gotta let,
let it all come out
let, let it all come out
let, let it all come out
right now
right now
let, let it all come out
let, let it all come out
right now
right nowLift yourself out of it all
Come out from the shadows
to the sun
Oh you gotta lift yourself out of it all
Yesterday’s over,
a new one’s begun
You’re only sick as all your secrets
Let them all come out,
let them come
Cause the devil came to steal your name away
The devil came to give your name away
oh let, let it all come out
let, let it all come out
let, let it all come out right now
right now
right now
There’s so much for you…
Maybe I just need to learn consistency by experiencing incredible desperation? Because I obviously seem to enjoy trampling all over Grace, don’t I? Never again. Because even if the situation should arise, the opportunity won’t.