You’re only sick as all your secrets…
Originally published at Dancin' In The Wind.... Please leave any comments there.
Ermm…so God’s ways of reaching me are pretty crazy..and a little…eccentric…yea.
But I guess when you’re working with someone like me…they’ve gotta be. *rolls eyes*
It’s kinda funny how it all went down, actually.
Let It All Come Out has become like…’my song’. This line ‘You’re only sick as all your secrets’ has been going around in my head for like 2 weeks now. After a while…it got like…super super real. I started thinking “yea…that’s it. That’s what’s wrong. Too many secrets…just…get them out”….hahaha yeeeaaaaaa.
And I did.
I had 53 little “-blahblahblah” points in a post.
Luckily, this was at like…midnight. And around 1-2, I decided “yeeaa…no. That’s not gonna happen” So I came in, made it private, all the while like…freaking out- checking my sitemeter stats like 50 times, making sure I hadn’t had a hit since I uploaded it. It was pretty pathetic.
So I was sitting there for a while, wondering what had just happened. Had I screwed up in the first place, by making the post, when it seemed right, but terrifying. Or had I screwed up when I deleted it because it just seemed very…messy and exploitive?
Fast forward.
I wake up this morning. Or…1pm…whatever you want to call that :-p, and my mom is getting ready for work.
This worked out amazingly well. My mother left at 1:30, shortly after my dad. I have the house to myself until 7. So I decided to start doing some dP.
And it was really interesting how through the readings…they all seemed to touch on one of those 30-some secrets.
Looking back…it’s almost as though, yes, I was supposed to do that. I needed to get the subconscious into the conscious. I needed to be aware of these things- and have them out in the open so I could actually see them to work on them.
So maybe that lyric, is a little more true than I even originally thought it was.
You’re only sick as all your secrets
…you hide from yourself.
So many things I had surpressed and ignored, and pushed under a rug. So many lies I told myself, that I thought were totally true. I sit here and realize- no wonder I’ve been miserable for months!
It was strange. I really regretted making that post private for a little while, because in the post, I tried to explain why I was doing it. *opens up new browser to get exact wording*:
A leaf is going to turn. Right now. A few months ago I wrote about taboo’s. I feel like a total hypocrite, as I’ve slipped back in to hiding. I told half the story. I’m tired of shying away from things. So the truth, the full, complete, honest truth is here. Once more- there’s the question of ‘why on a blog’? Why NOT on a blog. It’s there- it’s everywhere. I cannot take it back, or tell people to just keep it between them and I.
I don’t want the chance to hide, because EVERY time I’m given that chance, I take it.
But…really, I don’t care if this is read. It doesn’t need to be. The fact that every single person in this world has the ability to see this…it reassures me that yea…I am taking something seriously. I’m not doing this half-assed. Every single person I know has access to this blog. I’m not hiding from anyone. It’s not like “everyone CAN see it, but in reality, who really will see it?”. No. This is real.
So much of what is above is from a past life. And it seems pretty pointless. It does. Until I allow myself to ability to realize that I still think about it every day. I still hold myself back every day. I still fight temptations every day. And the fact that they are there, mean that they are relevant. Everything in that entry is just as relevant today as it would have been if I posted it 2 years ago. And I hate that. I do. But it’s the truth. It’s my truth.
Right…but I haven’t realized that I’m not so much hiding from other people more than anyone else. You don’t go around telling your life story on a bullhorn. It’s just…stupid. But I’ve been hiding from myself, and that’s dangerous stuff.
So yea. It’s kinda like God said ‘List it all. Everything. Put it down so you CANT shove it under the rug. Make it physical. Make it real. Make it undeniable, so that when I show you something. When I give you an answer, you can’t say “oh…yea…but that doesn’t apply to me…”.’
I must say though. I’m happy I wasn’t really meant to learn this lesson by screaming out secrets. haha. Because it has nothing to do with being guarded or anything like that. Go up to the single most well adjusted person, and tell them to tell you every secret they have…and they’d probably look at you as though you’re crazy.
It’s just…not normal.
But I’m happy I did it. And I’m happy it happened the way it did- with it being public first, then private, because it made me realize the absolute bottom point. The real problem.
*breathes sigh of relief* This is a pretty crazy lesson. Definitely one of the strangest ways I’ve been knocked over the head. That’s for sure. I love it though. I love the mystery. I love the wonder. I love never knowing what is next.