There's no time like the present to look back to the past and ahead to the future
I came home from work tonight and actually cooked dinner for myself. Then I decided to go for a walk...and while I was walking and jamming out to Colton Dixon my mind started to wander. I walked down to the river and sat and listened to "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" by Hillsong and thought about where I've been, where I am and where I'm headed (and I was mad at myself for not having paper and a pen because I was super inspired to write it all out). Then I got cold so I headed home, caught up with my mom and here we are, finally settled in to write it all out.
It's been almost two years since J and his gf took the boys from Andrew's baseball game instead of returning them to me. Two years since my world fell apart; since CYS knocked at my door to investigate allegations of child abuse that were made against M; since my very reason for breathing, being, living was taken away. Since all of my greatest fears were tossed at me all at once.
The days and weeks following were a blur that I still vividly remember. The shock of a police officer showing up at my door with an emergency PFA against me, keeping me from even calling J or the boys for the night. The relief that he was unsuccessful in obtaining a permanent order. The phone calls to the attorney, the special relief hearings where I had to hear J's attorney repeatedly tell the judge that I had "failed to protect" my son. The relief when CYS deemed all the allegations unfounded. The hopes that I would get SOME kind of physical contact with my boys shattered again and again. The phone calls that I was awarded being short and awkward and always resulting in me lying in my bed crying for an hour or so - deep wracking sobs of a mother who has lost her children. The realization that maybe J was right to take them (although I've never believed that my child was being abused) - I knew the situation was not healthy for them. I had myself fooled into thinking that I had things under control when the very truth of it all is that I didn't and things were spiraling madly and completely out of control and the boys and I were just along for the ride.
The following two years were one struggle after another. Struggling to get any kind of contact with my babies. Celebrating little victories like getting to see them at local parks and playgrounds - despite the fact that these victories were also so very frustrating; having to be supervised by their father was more than a little humiliating. But I was grateful for any contact, even if our relationship had become strained and unfamiliar. I knew their little heads were being filled with stories that were more fantasy than reality, and that changed how they related to me. Slowly things became normal, routine, easier.
This is about when I starting trying to make it to church as often as possible. I started reconnecting with God. I started allowing myself to get lost in worship. Songs like "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North and "Praise Him in This Storm" by Casting Crowns became my soundtrack. I started making friends outside of the dysfunctional relationships I was trapped in. I opened up and shared my secret - that my gf/trying-to-make-her-my-ex-gf was an addict. That while I'd never touched an illegal drug in my life (I rarely even take OTC meds!), drugs had played a major part in destroying my life. And I had let them...my need to "fix" people and my belief that we were in love and that love would conquer everything had overruled every little voice in my head that told me that this wasn't the life I deserved (or that my children should be living). Even with my knowledge of Psychology and relationships, I allowed myself to be caught up in an incredibly co-dependent relationship. Years of mental and verbal abuse had beaten me down to a mere shell of who I had been and had me believing that I wasn't strong enough to be on my own.
And as my personal life and my relationship with M continued to spiral out of control (and become increasingly unhealthy and abusive), as my relationship with my boys continued to be strained, my spiritual life began to solidify and grow. Changes at church pulled me from being in the choir to joining (rather apprehensively) the women's group...amazing women of God came into my life. Women who loved and accepted me at my worst, my most broken. Loved me when i couldn't stand myself. Who stood by and let me muddle through finally letting go of M when I realized that she was not what God had ever intended for me.
It's been over a year (April 10) since I was baptized (again) and had really, truly begun to give myself over to God and began trusting him. One year since I renounced all of my previous unhealthy relationships and decisions. Embraced the belief that I am meant for so much more than what I was living.
This past year has been nothing less than amazing. I've grown, I've learned, I've embraced a completely new and healthy life. I've become comfortable with who I am and have stopped defining myself by the relationships in my life and have begun to define myself as an heiress and a princess - because I am truly the daughter of a king.
I have settled into a routine with the boys. My custody arrangement was settled last February and while it's not exactly what I want or perfect, I know in my heart that it's what's right for the boys right now. I'm shushing the voice of society that tries to tell me that I'm not a good mother or somehow "less" of a mother because I don't have primary custody and trusting that I'm making the best choice for them for now. It will change and I'll get more time when it's the right time. I'm trusting in God's timing in this, no matter how hard it is or how much I'd love for it to change. I'm in a season of patience and waiting and I'm learning.
I'm also becoming increasingly sure that it's time for me to stop being so afraid of making a commitment. It's time to stop making excuses and start making time for digging into scripture and learning my Bible. Time to start diving into studies and devotions. I've recently felt a very strong call to ministry - specifically youth ministry - and I'm never going to get there if I don't dive in wholeheartedly and give Him all of me. I have to stop holding back and trust that He isn't going to set me up to fail - if I fail it's only because I didn't trust enough. The biggest challenges for me will be focusing on myself for a while and being patient. i want the end now - I'm totally the kind of girl who reads the last paragraph of the book before I start it so that I know how it ends. Waiting is so hard for me and I have no choice but to submit and wait.
This much I know...the end will be amazing. More than I can even imagine right now. And it will be totally worth the wait!
It's been almost two years since J and his gf took the boys from Andrew's baseball game instead of returning them to me. Two years since my world fell apart; since CYS knocked at my door to investigate allegations of child abuse that were made against M; since my very reason for breathing, being, living was taken away. Since all of my greatest fears were tossed at me all at once.
The days and weeks following were a blur that I still vividly remember. The shock of a police officer showing up at my door with an emergency PFA against me, keeping me from even calling J or the boys for the night. The relief that he was unsuccessful in obtaining a permanent order. The phone calls to the attorney, the special relief hearings where I had to hear J's attorney repeatedly tell the judge that I had "failed to protect" my son. The relief when CYS deemed all the allegations unfounded. The hopes that I would get SOME kind of physical contact with my boys shattered again and again. The phone calls that I was awarded being short and awkward and always resulting in me lying in my bed crying for an hour or so - deep wracking sobs of a mother who has lost her children. The realization that maybe J was right to take them (although I've never believed that my child was being abused) - I knew the situation was not healthy for them. I had myself fooled into thinking that I had things under control when the very truth of it all is that I didn't and things were spiraling madly and completely out of control and the boys and I were just along for the ride.
The following two years were one struggle after another. Struggling to get any kind of contact with my babies. Celebrating little victories like getting to see them at local parks and playgrounds - despite the fact that these victories were also so very frustrating; having to be supervised by their father was more than a little humiliating. But I was grateful for any contact, even if our relationship had become strained and unfamiliar. I knew their little heads were being filled with stories that were more fantasy than reality, and that changed how they related to me. Slowly things became normal, routine, easier.
This is about when I starting trying to make it to church as often as possible. I started reconnecting with God. I started allowing myself to get lost in worship. Songs like "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North and "Praise Him in This Storm" by Casting Crowns became my soundtrack. I started making friends outside of the dysfunctional relationships I was trapped in. I opened up and shared my secret - that my gf/trying-to-make-her-my-ex-gf was an addict. That while I'd never touched an illegal drug in my life (I rarely even take OTC meds!), drugs had played a major part in destroying my life. And I had let them...my need to "fix" people and my belief that we were in love and that love would conquer everything had overruled every little voice in my head that told me that this wasn't the life I deserved (or that my children should be living). Even with my knowledge of Psychology and relationships, I allowed myself to be caught up in an incredibly co-dependent relationship. Years of mental and verbal abuse had beaten me down to a mere shell of who I had been and had me believing that I wasn't strong enough to be on my own.
And as my personal life and my relationship with M continued to spiral out of control (and become increasingly unhealthy and abusive), as my relationship with my boys continued to be strained, my spiritual life began to solidify and grow. Changes at church pulled me from being in the choir to joining (rather apprehensively) the women's group...amazing women of God came into my life. Women who loved and accepted me at my worst, my most broken. Loved me when i couldn't stand myself. Who stood by and let me muddle through finally letting go of M when I realized that she was not what God had ever intended for me.
It's been over a year (April 10) since I was baptized (again) and had really, truly begun to give myself over to God and began trusting him. One year since I renounced all of my previous unhealthy relationships and decisions. Embraced the belief that I am meant for so much more than what I was living.
This past year has been nothing less than amazing. I've grown, I've learned, I've embraced a completely new and healthy life. I've become comfortable with who I am and have stopped defining myself by the relationships in my life and have begun to define myself as an heiress and a princess - because I am truly the daughter of a king.
I have settled into a routine with the boys. My custody arrangement was settled last February and while it's not exactly what I want or perfect, I know in my heart that it's what's right for the boys right now. I'm shushing the voice of society that tries to tell me that I'm not a good mother or somehow "less" of a mother because I don't have primary custody and trusting that I'm making the best choice for them for now. It will change and I'll get more time when it's the right time. I'm trusting in God's timing in this, no matter how hard it is or how much I'd love for it to change. I'm in a season of patience and waiting and I'm learning.
I'm also becoming increasingly sure that it's time for me to stop being so afraid of making a commitment. It's time to stop making excuses and start making time for digging into scripture and learning my Bible. Time to start diving into studies and devotions. I've recently felt a very strong call to ministry - specifically youth ministry - and I'm never going to get there if I don't dive in wholeheartedly and give Him all of me. I have to stop holding back and trust that He isn't going to set me up to fail - if I fail it's only because I didn't trust enough. The biggest challenges for me will be focusing on myself for a while and being patient. i want the end now - I'm totally the kind of girl who reads the last paragraph of the book before I start it so that I know how it ends. Waiting is so hard for me and I have no choice but to submit and wait.
This much I know...the end will be amazing. More than I can even imagine right now. And it will be totally worth the wait!