(no subject)
I feel so completely and utterly devastated when things don't work out. it's nearly 7 and kurtis still has yet to call, to arrive, to do anything really. It really hurts when that happens. I wish I didn't feel so upset like this. I get so completely excited when I make plans, I suppose some people just go out more often or do things more often or see people more often. I have a difficult time in working myself up to go anywhere or do anything. It seems that as I'm older it's getting harder, my depression that is. It just seems as though it takes so much more effort to take that leap and meet and do things. I feel like when things happen like this that I'm being punished, it's that stupid? I've had such an up day, so full of energy and excitement and then, crash just like that, how bazzar a feeling. I'm so over the ups and downs coming so quickly. but the upside of that is that today when I was so full of excitement angel rubbed me and the feeling of his hands and his love, I just felt it so fully. it really felt amazing and really brought me so much happiness. tomorrow is our 4 year anniversary and that is fantastic. it truly is. he has held my heart so much and for so long and it is so beautiful. I love him yet I have pushed and pushed and pushed him away afraid of him leaving and even more afraid of him getting too close, convincing myself that he too would leave or not show up or decide that it wasn't worth it. it feels good to know that he loves me, to realise that when I wake up, he is there holding me and smiling, that he is not standing me up, leaving me to my own demise. he is there for me, what it truly means to be there for me, listening when it's hard to listen, celebrating when it's hard to celebrate. he knows it is going to be alright, reminding me that things will be alright. a rock. so patient. sometimes I'm so amazed by his ability to be so strong and to hold himself so calmly, I wonder where and when he breaks down, how he breaks down if ever. I wonder if by his not breaking down that I'm over reacting, but I know I have to feel my emotions to get through the day. I have to feel that happiness and that complete sadness, because if I don't I will feel that deadness inside. Being off of drugs really brings you that clearty. being with a husband whom loves you and is so devoted to you is really so powerful and so overwhelming. I know if something were to happen that he would care, no matter how important or unimportant, he cares. I know that he wants me, above all other people he's chosen me and that means something to me, how powerful to think that he could have someone else, but chose me, what an honor. I have decided not to push him anymore. I am comfortable now with the fact that he loves me, he no longer has to prove that to me, I know he loves me and I know he is different than everyone else whose hurt me, whose left me all alone, whose pushed me away, whose neglected me. He's different and doesn't wish to push me, only to feel me and know me and is genuinely interested in everything there is about me. How can you not be cheered up by that thought? How can I sit around and take out any hurt feelings I have about plans being broken, about anything in the world, knowing that the person right next to me sleeping, holding me always, cares that entirely about me. wow what an amazing feeling. thank you angel for that gift, I can't think of a better gift to be given for our anniversary than to know that you love me, and to know and feel truly what love is. thank you.