Oh, night that guided me; Oh, night, more lovely than the dawn...
A girl who was in love with me, i hurt, then she hurt me back, it was awkward, then it was sexy, then it was tense, then it was passionate, then it was confusing, all the while it was frustrating- is now really interested in another guy...and i'm not sure how i feel about that. I could not make her happy, not only because i could not give her what she wanted, but also because i myself didn't want to be happy. What she asked for demanded of me to open my heart again after a long winter of it being shut up. See, before this girl, i was in love with someone else. But through a series of micommunication, denial, fear, grudges, and heartache along with a steaming side dish of immaturity, broke my heart. Remember that German family of mine? It goes part and parcel with such a backround that we are surviors. It's just what ew do and have always been really really good at. We bend, we NEVER break. That girl broke me. And after breaking me one sad December 25th, left me to bleed in the snow. That sort of thing turns your heart hard. It pushed me to the brink of my Faith and my own willingness to wake up. It was one of those things that makes you not want to wake up anymore, no? Becase while you're asleep, it dosn't hurt anymore. That's where my heart has been ever since that night in December. Although that girl and i have made peace since then and regained that closeness we both worked so hard to build, the damage is done. To her credit, she hates herself for what she did, but sorry dos'nt make the bleeding stop. So there i am in that emotional state, when Eileen wanders into my life. She and i clicked. We both had similar experiances in our past lives. Her goofiness comlimented my serious streak. My mysterious air complimented her inability to shut up or keep anything inside. My bluntness broke down her facade. She made me look inside myself and ask what i wanted, because she offered me so much. My love and caring helped her confront her past and allow healing. She thought me the hottest thing this side of Hell, and, i swear to you, Michalangelo prayed for women like her to sculpt. She has red hair, freckles, pail skin and curves...~sigh~. I saw right through her bullshit, and she never put up with mine. It was a hell of a ride. She cost me the respect of my friends and teachers, i put her through hell. Neither of us can give balme for the crap we've gone through in our whole "situation" because we both did our share of mud slinging. But we can't be because I cannot help her. I cannot carry her cross and mine. She has alot of problems to deal with and, God love her, she is trying her damnedist. We cannot be. We are very close, and good friends, and i love her breathlessly. But now she likes another guy...and i'm not sure what i'm feeling. Jealousy? Maybe a little. Anger? I can't see how because she is going to be happy. She's "moving on" as i prayed for her to do since September. She getting over me, leaving me for a newer deal and i should be bouncing off the walls because that red headed, freckled headache is seeking greener pastures. So why am i confused? Why am i...