Plates Wobbling Everywhere
I am a lucky girl. I know this.
I do get caught up and think that when one things goes right then something else is about to fall. Its all spinning plates to me.
Things in Boston went better than I could have even dreamed in so many ways, but now I am home and re-entry is tougher this time than before and there are plates wobbling.
My boyfriend has been an amazing boyfriend-a happy surprise of sorts. Supportive and affectionate and so easy to be with-easy to talk to easy to dream wit. He is so much more responsible than his age-so much more caring.
For the first time since our first couple weeks though I am nervous. Maybe I was foolish to get involved with someone so much younger than me-it is always a question in the bak of my head if this will be what ends us or if my panic attacks will be what ends us-maybe a combination of the two. I am not lucky in love.
I told myself when he and I got involved that it was just a fling-temporary-nothing to plant myself into-but weeks and months passed and words like home and love and boyfriend and mine and yours and future and never and forever and so on-the whole time in the back of my head saying "this is temporary, this is a fluke, lets just see where its going, we can still be friends when this fizzles"but now I hear warning sounds of a fizzle and I panic.
He says he doesnt know what he wants I cannot get mad for this-he is 20. He says he doesnt want to lose me, says I make him happy but he's just having trouble feeling too settled. I dont know what to say or do. I want to be supportive but I dont want to be a push over either.
I have layed out how I feel and can only see where the chips fall. I am sure he and I will remain friends if we do split but I am really sad at the idea of us splitting and making the shift from girlfriend back to just friend is a hard one. He is the first boy in all my time and relationships to tell me he loves me. He told me I was his home once- he means a lot to me-our relationship means a lot to me. Despite trying to tell myself that this was always supposed to be temporary I got comfortable-this could be a rough one-not that there is often an easy one, but this one could bruise because if we do split it will not be for cheating or lying it will be from the simple realization that this cannot work at this point in our lifes despite us both wanting it to.
I do get caught up and think that when one things goes right then something else is about to fall. Its all spinning plates to me.
Things in Boston went better than I could have even dreamed in so many ways, but now I am home and re-entry is tougher this time than before and there are plates wobbling.
My boyfriend has been an amazing boyfriend-a happy surprise of sorts. Supportive and affectionate and so easy to be with-easy to talk to easy to dream wit. He is so much more responsible than his age-so much more caring.
For the first time since our first couple weeks though I am nervous. Maybe I was foolish to get involved with someone so much younger than me-it is always a question in the bak of my head if this will be what ends us or if my panic attacks will be what ends us-maybe a combination of the two. I am not lucky in love.
I told myself when he and I got involved that it was just a fling-temporary-nothing to plant myself into-but weeks and months passed and words like home and love and boyfriend and mine and yours and future and never and forever and so on-the whole time in the back of my head saying "this is temporary, this is a fluke, lets just see where its going, we can still be friends when this fizzles"but now I hear warning sounds of a fizzle and I panic.
He says he doesnt know what he wants I cannot get mad for this-he is 20. He says he doesnt want to lose me, says I make him happy but he's just having trouble feeling too settled. I dont know what to say or do. I want to be supportive but I dont want to be a push over either.
I have layed out how I feel and can only see where the chips fall. I am sure he and I will remain friends if we do split but I am really sad at the idea of us splitting and making the shift from girlfriend back to just friend is a hard one. He is the first boy in all my time and relationships to tell me he loves me. He told me I was his home once- he means a lot to me-our relationship means a lot to me. Despite trying to tell myself that this was always supposed to be temporary I got comfortable-this could be a rough one-not that there is often an easy one, but this one could bruise because if we do split it will not be for cheating or lying it will be from the simple realization that this cannot work at this point in our lifes despite us both wanting it to.