(no subject)
I came here to post about the cool house me and Spike, and the fellas looked at today. Its pretty greag. My room would be attic. I can see doing awesome things with the space. My only real concern is making it so I dont freeze to death in the winter...Spike and I seem to think we can make it workable. There's a larger half of the attic and then a cute smaller room attached which would make an awesome dressing room/walk in closet. I'll need at least one more rolling clothing rack and a much better space heater. The house is well within our price range and the landlord seems to be a really cool guy. The other room I would have wanted was at one time a kitchen when the place was a duplex-it has tile on the wall but its been painted white with the rest it almost has a 1950's pysch ward vibe. One of the other bedrooms has its own staircase coming from the back The kitchen has old metal drawers and cabinets with layers of contact paper on them-there could be more counter space though. There are TWO bathrooms and a huge dinning room and living room. It has a great front porch. The basement looks awesome and so clean for storage. One thing is for certain I need to get rid of so much stuff! lol I think Spike is pretty well set on the place I would like to check out a few others. We saw a lot of good possibilities on the same street.Hopefully we can get in to view a few more this week. So thats exciting.
So thats what I originally logged in to post about but on my way I was sidetracked by Facebook and my friend Arrian posted this as her status:
"I haven't been angry with my Ex in a really long time. Anger though is often a defense mechanism and I have been reliving a lot of the damage I suffered by his actions, words - by him. What sucks more, the hurt is being triggered because I am vulnerable again. I am venturing into a relationship, the first since him. God bless the men that come after the destruction. May grace come to all victims of violence when the dust clears and we love again."
I can relate with this, but most specifically the part and jumped out and throat punched me was "What sucks more, the hurt is being triggered because I am vulnerable again." and there we have the reason I have been panicking on the boy who works so hard to show me he loves me.Letting guard down and trusting him...really really trusting that he doesnt and will do all he can not to hurt me equates to me half consciously spinning the wheels that made other men leave me or hurt me
I have this warped sense in my head that when one aspect in my head is going well-ie Poetry-I am doomed to lose the some other positive aspect of my life-ie the boy who tells me he loves me because I seem to think the good things are rationed.
The boy and I aren't all fixed...I also dont think our plate is wobbling quite so hard either...I am still nervous. He does still tell me he loves me but the point is that I am so nervous because like in Arrian's post of the past transgressions and abuses. I cannot help but wonder if the man I am seeing after a destructive relationship is someone who will stack bricks with me or someone who has come to finish off what the last one left behind. It has been some years since I was with anyone physically abusive, some year less since I've been with anyone outright emotionally abusive but I often find myself with careless men who do not care to pick anything up that they knock down who dont see past their own chins. These are things I know-but do not always recognize. These are things I feel I cannot stop recognizing right now despite wanting to. Can my gut feelings be trusted or are they just the twitching bruises from before? Work that boy from so long ago left unfinished?...and suddenly I am struck with the need to stop this and go write a poem...
So thats what I originally logged in to post about but on my way I was sidetracked by Facebook and my friend Arrian posted this as her status:
"I haven't been angry with my Ex in a really long time. Anger though is often a defense mechanism and I have been reliving a lot of the damage I suffered by his actions, words - by him. What sucks more, the hurt is being triggered because I am vulnerable again. I am venturing into a relationship, the first since him. God bless the men that come after the destruction. May grace come to all victims of violence when the dust clears and we love again."
I can relate with this, but most specifically the part and jumped out and throat punched me was "What sucks more, the hurt is being triggered because I am vulnerable again." and there we have the reason I have been panicking on the boy who works so hard to show me he loves me.Letting guard down and trusting him...really really trusting that he doesnt and will do all he can not to hurt me equates to me half consciously spinning the wheels that made other men leave me or hurt me
I have this warped sense in my head that when one aspect in my head is going well-ie Poetry-I am doomed to lose the some other positive aspect of my life-ie the boy who tells me he loves me because I seem to think the good things are rationed.
The boy and I aren't all fixed...I also dont think our plate is wobbling quite so hard either...I am still nervous. He does still tell me he loves me but the point is that I am so nervous because like in Arrian's post of the past transgressions and abuses. I cannot help but wonder if the man I am seeing after a destructive relationship is someone who will stack bricks with me or someone who has come to finish off what the last one left behind. It has been some years since I was with anyone physically abusive, some year less since I've been with anyone outright emotionally abusive but I often find myself with careless men who do not care to pick anything up that they knock down who dont see past their own chins. These are things I know-but do not always recognize. These are things I feel I cannot stop recognizing right now despite wanting to. Can my gut feelings be trusted or are they just the twitching bruises from before? Work that boy from so long ago left unfinished?...and suddenly I am struck with the need to stop this and go write a poem...