Comments | dragonladyflame: I cry cry cry, then I complain, come back for more, do it again.

dragonladyflame

I cry cry cry, then I complain, come back for more, do it again.

Feb 10, 2006 00:44

Passive-aggressive! It's a major buzzword for our generation. No one want to be passive-aggressive, and it seems like everyone gets accused of it at some point ( Read more... )

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agnoster February 10 2006, 05:11:27 UTC

I think you can avoid being passive-aggressive quite easily by expressing rationally exactly how you're feeling. The thing that marks passive-aggressive behaviour is, in my experience, that you try to hide or deny how you're feeling ( ... )

dragonladyflame February 10 2006, 05:24:53 UTC

Fair enough, but what if the direct approach hasn't worked, and Person X doesn't want to bring up an old argument?

If, say, Person X has already made it clear to Guy Slobbering On Wife that he's unhappy with that, and Guy Slobbering On Wife has made it clear that he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, how is Person X allowed to act?

I certainly agree with trying to be open and honest, and avoiding subterfuge. And I also agree that it's not as difficult as people make it out to be. I do think, however, that there are cases in which openness doesn't "work"; and in such cases, what happens? What if Person X doesn't leave his wife, but also hates it when she hits on other men, and his wife has -- in their open and honest discussions -- made it obvious that she has no intention of stopping? If it's an unresolved issue between them (as such things so often are), and he seems angry when she does it, is he being passive-aggressive?

agnoster February 10 2006, 05:32:32 UTC

If GSOW refuses to stop, and Wife refuses to stop him, and X has made it perfectly clear how much it hurts him, the obvious choice would be to dump the bitch, because she's consciously and callously hurting him. But let's suppose X can't leave her. Well, he can either come to terms with it, or express his anger. I would at that point recommend letting it out by beating the crap out of both of them. But maybe that's just because I've been playing too much Mortal Kombat ( ... )

dragonladyflame February 10 2006, 05:40:11 UTC

I dunno. I tend to think there could be a lot of situations in which there's no clear solution. I mean, say the wife has a point: maybe she isn't hitting on other people too much; does her husband really have the right to say she can't hit on other people even if she doesn't sleep with them?; and what if he's jumping at shadows, getting mad when she's doing less wrong than he thinks? What is the husband believes that sometimes he's a bit oversensitive about these issues, and is trying to get better? What if he and his wife agree that the failing is actually in himself, and he shouldn't be getting so angry -- but he's having trouble forcing himself to obey that dictum?

A relationship dynamic -- that of any relationship, not just spousal / significant other types -- doesn't always boil down to "either it works perfectly, or you leave". I'm wary of solutions that imply that it should.

agnoster February 10 2006, 05:54:44 UTC

Well, I never said "either it works perfectly, or you leave" - but I do think that "either the other person tries not to consciously hurt you, or you leave" does apply. Abusive relationships... yeah, not so much a fan.

Ok, maybe he's being oversensitive. I personally don't get jealous, so I have no idea what sets other people off. I'm tempted to say he should just accept the warm embrace of cold, steely logic, but in all honesty, if he can't control his anger, than, again that is the problem. It's not about forcing yourself to obey a dictum, either - you have to decide your life is bettered by improving yourself. I'm not a specialist in the matter, but I do believe that there are courses on anger management ( ... )

dragonladyflame February 10 2006, 06:19:26 UTC

Ha! I was just thinking about hunting down that comic link. Thank you for posting it for me!

I myself get very jealous sometimes (almost never without cause, in fairness -- e.g. that person I'm feeling so sensitive about really is hitting on my boyfriend / really has slept with him / whatever -- but that doesn't excuse me losing my temper and breaking into torrents of tears and suchlike). So I sympathize most with the husband in this equation, but I try really hard to sympathize with the wife. This may lead me to sound slightly schizoid when I discuss it ( ... )

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