today i....ah no, that wasnt me.
wanna read some funny stuff? Read this, and picture someone with a (not monotone) flat, deep, drug induced voice.
Steven Wright One-Liners
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
"One day I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
"When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's finished I'm going to sue myself."
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny."
"I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there."
"I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"
"I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger."
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."
"We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child. Eventually."
"Why's the alphabet in that order? Is it 'cause of that song?"
"I tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went up my nose."
"I was out walking my dog yesterday. On the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of
widths".
"My friend works in radio. When we go under a bridge, I can't hear him."
"I came home to my apartment and found that everything had been replaced with an exact replica. I called
my friend over and said 'Can you believe this? Everything's been replaced with an exact replica!' He said, 'Do I know you?'"
"I was being interviewed for a job. During the interview, I started to read a magazine. The interviewer asked, 'What are you doing???' I said, 'Let me ask you a question. If I was driving at the speed of light, and turned the headlights on, would anything happen?' He said, 'I don't know.' I said to him, 'I don't think I want to work for your company.'"
"I went to a convenience store the other night. It had a sign reading, 'Open 24 Hours'. The manager was locking the place up. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours!' He said, 'Yeah, but not in a row."
"I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it."
"I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke."
"I got home after a night of drinking and pulled out my car keys to get in my building, so I started it up and took it for a drive."
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
"Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home."
"A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here."
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
"I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything."
"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."
"I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying."
"It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature."
"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."
"If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments."
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
"I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."
"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."
"Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
"I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it."
"Today I... No, that wasn't me."
Steven Wright One-Liners
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
"One day I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
"When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's finished I'm going to sue myself."
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny."
"I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there."
"I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"
"I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger."
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."
"We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child. Eventually."
"Why's the alphabet in that order? Is it 'cause of that song?"
"I tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went up my nose."
"I was out walking my dog yesterday. On the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of
widths".
"My friend works in radio. When we go under a bridge, I can't hear him."
"I came home to my apartment and found that everything had been replaced with an exact replica. I called
my friend over and said 'Can you believe this? Everything's been replaced with an exact replica!' He said, 'Do I know you?'"
"I was being interviewed for a job. During the interview, I started to read a magazine. The interviewer asked, 'What are you doing???' I said, 'Let me ask you a question. If I was driving at the speed of light, and turned the headlights on, would anything happen?' He said, 'I don't know.' I said to him, 'I don't think I want to work for your company.'"
"I went to a convenience store the other night. It had a sign reading, 'Open 24 Hours'. The manager was locking the place up. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours!' He said, 'Yeah, but not in a row."
"I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it."
"I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke."
"I got home after a night of drinking and pulled out my car keys to get in my building, so I started it up and took it for a drive."
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
"Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home."
"A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here."
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
"I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything."
"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."
"I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying."
"It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature."
"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."
"If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments."
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
"I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."
"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."
"Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
"I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it."
"Today I... No, that wasn't me."