cinderella's on her bedroom floor
I had a panic attack or a breakdown or something tonight. I was crying for a good hour before I decided to talk to anyone, because my attacks have never lasted that long and it was only getting worse. I'm still shaking a lot, but I can breathe now and I don't feel like retching or breaking down any more than I have.
I called up Sarah after chat recommended a few things (I was able to pull myself together enough to get online and ask advice) and she helped me calm down more and convinced me it's time to talk to my parents.
I'm really self-conscious about the email I sent them so tell me if you think it's ok.
This is something really important that I've been afraid to talk to you guys about and is still awkward for me to talk about face to face with someone, so I'm writing an email. I still don't really want to talk about it face to face until I feel comfortable.
While a lot of my stomach issues have been caused by allergies and food, I've gained weird sleeping patterns, noticed a lot of weight gain (which has given me some self image problems), and not really felt like doing anything, even the things I enjoy doing. I've been really stressed out about a lot of things, and all my life the only way I have of dealing with stress and stressful things is by pushing it down and not talking to anyone else about it.
I've been having acute panic attacks for months and episodes where I just sit and cry and can't think of a reason why. Tonight I had a huge breakdown and started crying and couldn't stop for a long time, and had trouble breathing. I was too afraid to wake tom or dad up so I called Sarah who I thought would know how to deal with things because she's dealt with her own emotional problems and I trust her with these kinds of things. She helped talk me through it and helped calm me down, and convinced me that it's time I actually talk to you guys about all the problems I've been having before I have a full nervous breakdown.
I don't know where I'm going in life and it scares me. It really, really scares me. I've been trying for months to calm down and just say it's me getting used to college, but I've realized I'm not really happy where I am in life. I'm in school taking pointless classes that I don't even really know what I'm going to do with because I feel it's expected of me, and I feel like I'm in high school again, in the way that I'm doing something I may not entirely love but it's expected of me so I'm doing it. I've realized that that isn;t how it should be at all - that this is the beginning of the rest of my life and I need to do it right and take time to figure things out. I honestly have no idea whatsoever of what I want to do with my life, and I thought taking generals and being in college was supposed to solve that for me, but instead it's made me even more confused and worried that I'm going to end up going nowhere at this rate because I have no time to breathe or think. This has stressed me out immensely and I've been freaking out because every time I think about talking to you guys I keep thinking you're just going to tell me to stick with it when I really don't want to right now. I think I really need to just relax and not worry about everything.
That is why after I finish up this semester, I would like to take a semester off. Suffolk University is a great college I want to look at, but I want to check out other colleges too, and really figure out exactly what I want to do with my life. I know a lot of people say don't just yet, you're still young, but I don't even have a clue, and without a general direction in life I get really stressed out and question a lot of things, which makes me even more stressed out and I have panic attacks and periods of depression. I don't ever like to talk to people about it, because I think people will judge me and not believe me or pay attention, so i get paranoid and keep it to myself.
I want to learn ways to deal with my stress and my emotional barriers and the problems I have now before they become worse. I need time to think and to expand my horizons of what there is exactly that I can do in life. So I was thinking a semester off for the fall and starting up again in the spring would be nice, because i haven't had a break from school other than summers since I was in kindergarten, and I want to go to school because I want to, not because I feel like going every semester all my life until I graduate is what is expected of me, and if I fall below those expectations society will belittle me and you guys will think bad of me or think of me as a failure compared to Patrick or Tom.
This is really hard for me to talk about so please don't corner me asking details or with awkward conversations about it because I can't function in those conversations and I break down. If you have ideas of things I could do or should do, you can come to me with those, but I'd rather not talk specific emotional problems now.
Thanks, I love you both,
Mary.
On another note, my midterm is in 7 hours and I haven't slept. Fuck. I don't even know if I care that I'm going to fail anymore.
I called up Sarah after chat recommended a few things (I was able to pull myself together enough to get online and ask advice) and she helped me calm down more and convinced me it's time to talk to my parents.
I'm really self-conscious about the email I sent them so tell me if you think it's ok.
This is something really important that I've been afraid to talk to you guys about and is still awkward for me to talk about face to face with someone, so I'm writing an email. I still don't really want to talk about it face to face until I feel comfortable.
While a lot of my stomach issues have been caused by allergies and food, I've gained weird sleeping patterns, noticed a lot of weight gain (which has given me some self image problems), and not really felt like doing anything, even the things I enjoy doing. I've been really stressed out about a lot of things, and all my life the only way I have of dealing with stress and stressful things is by pushing it down and not talking to anyone else about it.
I've been having acute panic attacks for months and episodes where I just sit and cry and can't think of a reason why. Tonight I had a huge breakdown and started crying and couldn't stop for a long time, and had trouble breathing. I was too afraid to wake tom or dad up so I called Sarah who I thought would know how to deal with things because she's dealt with her own emotional problems and I trust her with these kinds of things. She helped talk me through it and helped calm me down, and convinced me that it's time I actually talk to you guys about all the problems I've been having before I have a full nervous breakdown.
I don't know where I'm going in life and it scares me. It really, really scares me. I've been trying for months to calm down and just say it's me getting used to college, but I've realized I'm not really happy where I am in life. I'm in school taking pointless classes that I don't even really know what I'm going to do with because I feel it's expected of me, and I feel like I'm in high school again, in the way that I'm doing something I may not entirely love but it's expected of me so I'm doing it. I've realized that that isn;t how it should be at all - that this is the beginning of the rest of my life and I need to do it right and take time to figure things out. I honestly have no idea whatsoever of what I want to do with my life, and I thought taking generals and being in college was supposed to solve that for me, but instead it's made me even more confused and worried that I'm going to end up going nowhere at this rate because I have no time to breathe or think. This has stressed me out immensely and I've been freaking out because every time I think about talking to you guys I keep thinking you're just going to tell me to stick with it when I really don't want to right now. I think I really need to just relax and not worry about everything.
That is why after I finish up this semester, I would like to take a semester off. Suffolk University is a great college I want to look at, but I want to check out other colleges too, and really figure out exactly what I want to do with my life. I know a lot of people say don't just yet, you're still young, but I don't even have a clue, and without a general direction in life I get really stressed out and question a lot of things, which makes me even more stressed out and I have panic attacks and periods of depression. I don't ever like to talk to people about it, because I think people will judge me and not believe me or pay attention, so i get paranoid and keep it to myself.
I want to learn ways to deal with my stress and my emotional barriers and the problems I have now before they become worse. I need time to think and to expand my horizons of what there is exactly that I can do in life. So I was thinking a semester off for the fall and starting up again in the spring would be nice, because i haven't had a break from school other than summers since I was in kindergarten, and I want to go to school because I want to, not because I feel like going every semester all my life until I graduate is what is expected of me, and if I fall below those expectations society will belittle me and you guys will think bad of me or think of me as a failure compared to Patrick or Tom.
This is really hard for me to talk about so please don't corner me asking details or with awkward conversations about it because I can't function in those conversations and I break down. If you have ideas of things I could do or should do, you can come to me with those, but I'd rather not talk specific emotional problems now.
Thanks, I love you both,
Mary.
On another note, my midterm is in 7 hours and I haven't slept. Fuck. I don't even know if I care that I'm going to fail anymore.