oh my GOD
...I got sucked into some kind of insane political football AU that like. I don't even understand its hold on me. It's 8,000 words long right now. It has a cast list of ninety-seven. I know this because I made an ACTUAL "DRAMATIS PERSONAE," ILLUSTRATED, SO THAT I COULD KEEP MY SHIT STRAIGHT. what what what WHAT is going on. I think it is because I forgot to sign up for yuletide again this year, and so this is my yuletide gift from me to me! Thanks, Santa! How did you know just what I like!
Anyway, I just got back from Seattle, and now I'm going to Costa Rica. Life is tough, clearly. So in the meantime, here is a little, uh, snippet from the monstrous project I like to call "The District," in which, basically, Iker Casillas is running for Senator and Xabi Alonso is his campaign manager and Cristiano Ronaldo is his press secretary. You literally do not have to know anything about football on this one. In fact -- oh god, it might be punditfic.
title: TDS Transcript: C. Ronaldo Interview
pairing: None.
type: AU
summary: Iker Casillas, a young state legislator from the great fictional state of Fairfield, is making an unlikely run for Senate. His press secretary, Cristiano Ronaldo, nabs a spot on the Daily Show. It goes pretty well.
TRANSCRIPTION NOTES: 9/14/11, guest Cristiano Ronaldo [Press Sec. Casillas 2011]. Transcript is rendered as precisely as possible. Applause & laughter have been noted only where significant or disruptive to audio track.
--START TRANSCRIPT--
[applause]
STEWART: …ladies and gentlemen, Cristiano Ronaldo!
[applause]
STEWART: Sit down. We got you a special chair.
RONALDO: Really?
STEWART: No, it’s the same chair for everybody. Good to have you on the show.
RONALDO: It’s great to be here, Jon.
STEWART: Now your boss, Iker Casillas, is widely considered to be the handsomest man in politics.
RONALDO: I don’t think it’s a matter of opinion.
[laughter]
STEWART: The competition --
RONALDO: The competition is -- let’s call it a limited pool.
STEWART: Although, and I hope you won’t feel objectified or that, you know, that we don’t take the quality of your work seriously, here at the Daily Show --
RONALDO: I know that you do.
STEWART: We do. But may I say that you are a very, uh, handsome man yourself.
[laughter, applause]
RONALDO: Thank you, sir. Thank you. And you know what, in this suit you can’t even see my abs, so...
[applause]
STEWART: Oh, wow, so are they -- [unintelligible]
[unintelligible]
STEWART: Settle, people! Settle. Man, what is going on here? You’re like the Justin Bieber of liberal wonky nerds.
RONALDO: That is my niche.
STEWART: “Hennnh, oooh, he can brief my press corps any day!” That’s my sex-crazed liberal-wonky-nerd voice.
RONALDO: I thought that would just sound like your regular voice.
[laughter, applause]
RONALDO: So thank you very much, Jon, thank you for that substantive discussion of the issues, I guess I’ll be --
STEWART: And we’re done! Cristiano Ronaldo, everyone -- no, I’m just kidding. Sit down. Sit your fine ass down, Mr. Ronaldo. We’re not through here. We are not through here, I said! All right, well, that was fun, but let’s put our serious faces on --
RONALDO: Our discuss-faces.
STEWART: Yes. Our -- our disgust-faces?
RONALDO: No “t.”
STEWART: Discusssss.
RONALDO: Discuss.
STEWART: Let’s talk about your candidate.
RONALDO: That is my absolute favorite thing to do.
STEWART: He’s a very new figure on the political scene.
RONALDO: Well, he’s a new figure in D.C., in the sense maybe that his accomplishments aren’t as, you know, as well known as maybe they should be. But in Fairfield, our home state of Fairfield, he actually has a really huge reputation and a, just a remarkable record. You know the saying “all politics is local?”
[laughter]
STEWART: You know, I may have --
RONALDO: You probably do.
STEWART: I have heard it once or twice, yes.
RONALDO: I mean, here’s the bottom line. Fairfield has a five percent unemployment rate, which is unheard of. We’ve got, since he’s been the Minority Leader, eighty -- we went from eighty-four to eighty-eight percent literacy, and that’s been attributed to his adult education program. The district Iker represented in the state senate, when he first ran in 2003, there was a high school drop-out rate of seven percent. Now it’s one point eight percent. Which is his work with student incentives. I mean, I’m not making this stuff --
STEWART: But that’s all small-scale, right? I mean --
RONALDO: Well, I don’t --
STEWART: Just in the sense that --
RONALDO: I don’t know that “small-scale” --
STEWART: In the sense that these kind of, uh, sweeping reforms are easier to implement in a smaller state like Fairfield, which has a more mobile, kind of -- which might have a more, I guess, nimble lawmaking body, as opposed to the bloated wheezing carcass we call the United States Senate.
[laughter]
RONALDO: Well, I see what you’re saying. But I think we need to remember that all lawmakers, all...lawmaking bodies, including the State legislatures, are kind of in some sense, bloated -- what was it?
STEWART: Bloated, wheezing --
RONALDO: Corpses.
STEWART: I meant to get “obstructionist” in there too.
RONALDO: Right, of course. Look, obviously, lawmaking is frustrating. We’ve been criticized a lot because Iker Casillas is a progressive candidate in a red state, which makes people think he’s either sort of a fluke or sort of a sellout. But you have to remember that within a majority-Republican statehouse, we moved through legislation to benefit the children of migrant workers. We got comprehensive, no-bull sex ed in the public schools.
[applause]
RONALDO: As of last year we’re one of six states, and the only red state -- and again, Iker Casillas co-sponsored this bill in the state senate -- the only red state that voluntarily funds all medically necessary abortions.
[applause]
STEWART: “Yay, abortions!” But really.
RONALDO: Right. We started the Renewable Energy Jobs Initiative, which has been a huge boost for employment but was tough on a lot of corporations. What I’m saying is, we accomplished that stuff, a lot of controversial stuff, not in spite of the Republican majority, but with their help and support.
STEWART: How?
[laughter]
STEWART: No, really. I mean I’m sorry, but we live in, I hate to say it, in a pretty fiercely divided partisan era. How did you guys actually accomplish bipartisan cooperation?
RONALDO: Handsomeness.
[laughter]
STEWART: Yes, the magic of --
RONALDO: Facial symmetry.
STEWART: I’m experiencing it right now. It feels like a hug for my eyes.
RONALDO: Seriously, it has to do with, this is going to sound ridiculous, but with leadership, with an ability to -- I mean he came in at just an incredibly young age, but he’s smart, he’s a listener, he’s a serious person and I think people see that. And so when he lends his support to something, it’s clear he’s not doing it for personal gain, or, you know, some kind of party-line thing, but that he genuinely believes it’s the best thing for the state of Fairfield. And it generally is, because he’s also very, very smart. Which I think, both being smart and being respected in that way, is a trait that, uh, that our current Senator --
STEWART: Raul Gonzalez.
RONALDO: Exactly, that Raul, who is a Republican, also shares, and that’s, you know, has made him such an important crossover figure for the Democrats, while he still has a lot of respect from his colleagues on the Right. And Iker is really in the same mold.
STEWART: One last question.
RONALDO: Hit me.
STEWART: We’re going to have Landon Donovan, Wayne Rooney’s press guy, on the show tomorrow night --
RONALDO: Also a very handsome man.
STEWART: Very.
RONALDO: But balding.
[laughter]
STEWART: Zing!
RONALDO: But still very handsome!
STEWART: Too late.
RONALDO: Oh, God. Oh, boy.
STEWART: Well, I was going to ask if you had any messages for us to pass on to him, but I think he just got it.
RONALDO: I’m gonna be in trouble for that one.
STEWART: You’re in trouble anyway. What are you guys, like, nine points down?
RONALDO: That’s okay, you know what, that’s okay. I think it’s a better position, you know, to be the underdogs, to be fighting, than trying to cling to a lead. Anyway, nine’s my lucky number.
STEWART: Until you’re eight down --
RONALDO: Then eight will be my lucky number.
STEWART: I like your attitude. Thank you so much for being on the show, and good luck to you, sir -- Cristiano Ronaldo, everybody.
[applause]
--END TRANSCRIPT--
Anyway, I just got back from Seattle, and now I'm going to Costa Rica. Life is tough, clearly. So in the meantime, here is a little, uh, snippet from the monstrous project I like to call "The District," in which, basically, Iker Casillas is running for Senator and Xabi Alonso is his campaign manager and Cristiano Ronaldo is his press secretary. You literally do not have to know anything about football on this one. In fact -- oh god, it might be punditfic.
title: TDS Transcript: C. Ronaldo Interview
pairing: None.
type: AU
summary: Iker Casillas, a young state legislator from the great fictional state of Fairfield, is making an unlikely run for Senate. His press secretary, Cristiano Ronaldo, nabs a spot on the Daily Show. It goes pretty well.
TRANSCRIPTION NOTES: 9/14/11, guest Cristiano Ronaldo [Press Sec. Casillas 2011]. Transcript is rendered as precisely as possible. Applause & laughter have been noted only where significant or disruptive to audio track.
--START TRANSCRIPT--
[applause]
STEWART: …ladies and gentlemen, Cristiano Ronaldo!
[applause]
STEWART: Sit down. We got you a special chair.
RONALDO: Really?
STEWART: No, it’s the same chair for everybody. Good to have you on the show.
RONALDO: It’s great to be here, Jon.
STEWART: Now your boss, Iker Casillas, is widely considered to be the handsomest man in politics.
RONALDO: I don’t think it’s a matter of opinion.
[laughter]
STEWART: The competition --
RONALDO: The competition is -- let’s call it a limited pool.
STEWART: Although, and I hope you won’t feel objectified or that, you know, that we don’t take the quality of your work seriously, here at the Daily Show --
RONALDO: I know that you do.
STEWART: We do. But may I say that you are a very, uh, handsome man yourself.
[laughter, applause]
RONALDO: Thank you, sir. Thank you. And you know what, in this suit you can’t even see my abs, so...
[applause]
STEWART: Oh, wow, so are they -- [unintelligible]
[unintelligible]
STEWART: Settle, people! Settle. Man, what is going on here? You’re like the Justin Bieber of liberal wonky nerds.
RONALDO: That is my niche.
STEWART: “Hennnh, oooh, he can brief my press corps any day!” That’s my sex-crazed liberal-wonky-nerd voice.
RONALDO: I thought that would just sound like your regular voice.
[laughter, applause]
RONALDO: So thank you very much, Jon, thank you for that substantive discussion of the issues, I guess I’ll be --
STEWART: And we’re done! Cristiano Ronaldo, everyone -- no, I’m just kidding. Sit down. Sit your fine ass down, Mr. Ronaldo. We’re not through here. We are not through here, I said! All right, well, that was fun, but let’s put our serious faces on --
RONALDO: Our discuss-faces.
STEWART: Yes. Our -- our disgust-faces?
RONALDO: No “t.”
STEWART: Discusssss.
RONALDO: Discuss.
STEWART: Let’s talk about your candidate.
RONALDO: That is my absolute favorite thing to do.
STEWART: He’s a very new figure on the political scene.
RONALDO: Well, he’s a new figure in D.C., in the sense maybe that his accomplishments aren’t as, you know, as well known as maybe they should be. But in Fairfield, our home state of Fairfield, he actually has a really huge reputation and a, just a remarkable record. You know the saying “all politics is local?”
[laughter]
STEWART: You know, I may have --
RONALDO: You probably do.
STEWART: I have heard it once or twice, yes.
RONALDO: I mean, here’s the bottom line. Fairfield has a five percent unemployment rate, which is unheard of. We’ve got, since he’s been the Minority Leader, eighty -- we went from eighty-four to eighty-eight percent literacy, and that’s been attributed to his adult education program. The district Iker represented in the state senate, when he first ran in 2003, there was a high school drop-out rate of seven percent. Now it’s one point eight percent. Which is his work with student incentives. I mean, I’m not making this stuff --
STEWART: But that’s all small-scale, right? I mean --
RONALDO: Well, I don’t --
STEWART: Just in the sense that --
RONALDO: I don’t know that “small-scale” --
STEWART: In the sense that these kind of, uh, sweeping reforms are easier to implement in a smaller state like Fairfield, which has a more mobile, kind of -- which might have a more, I guess, nimble lawmaking body, as opposed to the bloated wheezing carcass we call the United States Senate.
[laughter]
RONALDO: Well, I see what you’re saying. But I think we need to remember that all lawmakers, all...lawmaking bodies, including the State legislatures, are kind of in some sense, bloated -- what was it?
STEWART: Bloated, wheezing --
RONALDO: Corpses.
STEWART: I meant to get “obstructionist” in there too.
RONALDO: Right, of course. Look, obviously, lawmaking is frustrating. We’ve been criticized a lot because Iker Casillas is a progressive candidate in a red state, which makes people think he’s either sort of a fluke or sort of a sellout. But you have to remember that within a majority-Republican statehouse, we moved through legislation to benefit the children of migrant workers. We got comprehensive, no-bull sex ed in the public schools.
[applause]
RONALDO: As of last year we’re one of six states, and the only red state -- and again, Iker Casillas co-sponsored this bill in the state senate -- the only red state that voluntarily funds all medically necessary abortions.
[applause]
STEWART: “Yay, abortions!” But really.
RONALDO: Right. We started the Renewable Energy Jobs Initiative, which has been a huge boost for employment but was tough on a lot of corporations. What I’m saying is, we accomplished that stuff, a lot of controversial stuff, not in spite of the Republican majority, but with their help and support.
STEWART: How?
[laughter]
STEWART: No, really. I mean I’m sorry, but we live in, I hate to say it, in a pretty fiercely divided partisan era. How did you guys actually accomplish bipartisan cooperation?
RONALDO: Handsomeness.
[laughter]
STEWART: Yes, the magic of --
RONALDO: Facial symmetry.
STEWART: I’m experiencing it right now. It feels like a hug for my eyes.
RONALDO: Seriously, it has to do with, this is going to sound ridiculous, but with leadership, with an ability to -- I mean he came in at just an incredibly young age, but he’s smart, he’s a listener, he’s a serious person and I think people see that. And so when he lends his support to something, it’s clear he’s not doing it for personal gain, or, you know, some kind of party-line thing, but that he genuinely believes it’s the best thing for the state of Fairfield. And it generally is, because he’s also very, very smart. Which I think, both being smart and being respected in that way, is a trait that, uh, that our current Senator --
STEWART: Raul Gonzalez.
RONALDO: Exactly, that Raul, who is a Republican, also shares, and that’s, you know, has made him such an important crossover figure for the Democrats, while he still has a lot of respect from his colleagues on the Right. And Iker is really in the same mold.
STEWART: One last question.
RONALDO: Hit me.
STEWART: We’re going to have Landon Donovan, Wayne Rooney’s press guy, on the show tomorrow night --
RONALDO: Also a very handsome man.
STEWART: Very.
RONALDO: But balding.
[laughter]
STEWART: Zing!
RONALDO: But still very handsome!
STEWART: Too late.
RONALDO: Oh, God. Oh, boy.
STEWART: Well, I was going to ask if you had any messages for us to pass on to him, but I think he just got it.
RONALDO: I’m gonna be in trouble for that one.
STEWART: You’re in trouble anyway. What are you guys, like, nine points down?
RONALDO: That’s okay, you know what, that’s okay. I think it’s a better position, you know, to be the underdogs, to be fighting, than trying to cling to a lead. Anyway, nine’s my lucky number.
STEWART: Until you’re eight down --
RONALDO: Then eight will be my lucky number.
STEWART: I like your attitude. Thank you so much for being on the show, and good luck to you, sir -- Cristiano Ronaldo, everybody.
[applause]
--END TRANSCRIPT--