and so a new chapter of mah life begins....
well now that i can't stop i want to. so i went to a meeting.got the key tag...whole nine yards...even asked Shannon for help...and then asked her to be my sponser last nite. She of course did say yes indeed :)
that makes me feel so good. i miss her like only...oh my fucking gawd knows how bad. She is no longer up up high and so much more human than she ever was in my eyes before. I suppose its b/c i realized life goes on...and she is not too much different than anyone else...well kinda.but yea
i miss her friendship...and her sandlewood smell :) and her dinners and her laugh and her son and her man and being a part of thier lives. so i am glad that although i am scared shitless about facing all this stuff i have been avoiding and running from for the last year...i dont have to do it alone...and it will be with someone who already understands me and knows how my head works...we already have the trust and bond and love.
when we talked yesterday...i realized i can return love today. i never did before. i didnt get it. i didnt know what love was. now that i have been in love...and also am not so young and selfish i know how to love...
there shouldnt be conditions on love. but due to the fact that i cant have what my heart wants...there is.well thats not the correct wording...due to the fact that i am not ready and okay with myself yet is more realistic...so anyways....
not with the people i love as far as friends n stuff...but i mean in love with a girl love.
i am content in knowing i dont have to understand why i feel the way i do...i just accecpt it, learn, and i need to talk about it. i have so much i need to tlak about
no Sam in my life...no nicole the way i used to be able to go to her with stuff b/c shes here but only physcially...i just feel like our friendship changed when we did and stoped being clean. Now i got Shannon back :) so thats awesome...but i would like some more QUAILTY friends.
so me n jenny are most def. gunna grow apart now. i mean we will always be tight...but now that imma be clean and shes not...its going to change things. this hurts me. b/c shes my rock...my heart...and driving around and getting stoned with jenny and talking while listening to andrew speak to me through his lyrics...well yeah thats my fuckign fav thing in life to do. but thats kinda sad lol. so i guess i will be ok. but i am gunna miss my heart...and we will prolly go back to fighting and never talking about anything thats going on in our lives.
i am happy she got a job one day after she lost her olld one...but mad too. b/c FUCK ME...do i look and feel like a fucking ass...and now i am a douche all alone :( and it makes me look even worse to ma n kevin
so everytime i see sarah...my heart grows a little less fonder. we had yet another typical night of fun fun fun then drunken sex. too bad sarahs one of those Bi girls that says shes BI when shes fucked up and will makeout and suck on my neck but thats it...if sarah wasnt so ingrossed with her poison...see we share the same posion...its clear and tastes like wata to us now :) but prolly not to anyone else...ugh yeah i tell sarah how much i have been in love with her since 10th grade everytime we hangout now. since last time. and so this time shes like why dont we date...fuck my mom...and yours...blah blah blah....NO
that would be bad...if i EVER get that bad in my head i am worried...b/c i would have to be pretty fucked up for a long time to be able to get with a socailly distorted fucked up lost girl like that. but i do love her and of course we always wnat wht we cant have and of course i always fall for girls that are bad for me...cept Erin
shes not bad for me by any means. shes teaching me a lot. i am grateful for the times we spent together. and she is an awesome amazing beautiful woman. and i can tell that things are changing in both our lives...and theres just this huge wall we both have up...and so it will prolly never be more than what it is now...and thts ok. b/c i enjoyed what i got :) and i just hope we can still talk on the phone everyday...b/c i dont talk on the phone everyday to anyone. and its nice...and shes nice and so simple and smart and she gets me...and no one ever gets me...no girl i have ever dated or tried to date has ever got me...so yeah its sucky it makes my chest hurt and my eyes water up just thinking of life without Erin in it now that i have gotten to know her and let her gotten to know me...but b/c we are both unable to let down the walls this awkwardness is just wearing on me...and sometimes i am completely ok with how much i like her...and others i am so scared b/c i suck at liking me and so i will suck at liking her too if i am not cafe...lol thats not like a coffee shop thats like careful and safe together makes cafe :) and thats too bad that i suck at liking me...so now that im clean again i know imma like me more...and so i will just take all that i've gained from Erin,Megan and everyone else thats helped mold me and grow so when i am able to give my heart away...its for the right reasons and to someone who gets me...b/c i am done with the dumb bullshit i went trhough with megan.
so yeah lots of internal stuff and stuff gooing on in my life...but no cpmlaints b/c hey...its better than JAIL...and it can always always be worse :) peace n luv bitches i am going back to bed and so yeah <3Bear
that makes me feel so good. i miss her like only...oh my fucking gawd knows how bad. She is no longer up up high and so much more human than she ever was in my eyes before. I suppose its b/c i realized life goes on...and she is not too much different than anyone else...well kinda.but yea
i miss her friendship...and her sandlewood smell :) and her dinners and her laugh and her son and her man and being a part of thier lives. so i am glad that although i am scared shitless about facing all this stuff i have been avoiding and running from for the last year...i dont have to do it alone...and it will be with someone who already understands me and knows how my head works...we already have the trust and bond and love.
when we talked yesterday...i realized i can return love today. i never did before. i didnt get it. i didnt know what love was. now that i have been in love...and also am not so young and selfish i know how to love...
there shouldnt be conditions on love. but due to the fact that i cant have what my heart wants...there is.well thats not the correct wording...due to the fact that i am not ready and okay with myself yet is more realistic...so anyways....
not with the people i love as far as friends n stuff...but i mean in love with a girl love.
i am content in knowing i dont have to understand why i feel the way i do...i just accecpt it, learn, and i need to talk about it. i have so much i need to tlak about
no Sam in my life...no nicole the way i used to be able to go to her with stuff b/c shes here but only physcially...i just feel like our friendship changed when we did and stoped being clean. Now i got Shannon back :) so thats awesome...but i would like some more QUAILTY friends.
so me n jenny are most def. gunna grow apart now. i mean we will always be tight...but now that imma be clean and shes not...its going to change things. this hurts me. b/c shes my rock...my heart...and driving around and getting stoned with jenny and talking while listening to andrew speak to me through his lyrics...well yeah thats my fuckign fav thing in life to do. but thats kinda sad lol. so i guess i will be ok. but i am gunna miss my heart...and we will prolly go back to fighting and never talking about anything thats going on in our lives.
i am happy she got a job one day after she lost her olld one...but mad too. b/c FUCK ME...do i look and feel like a fucking ass...and now i am a douche all alone :( and it makes me look even worse to ma n kevin
so everytime i see sarah...my heart grows a little less fonder. we had yet another typical night of fun fun fun then drunken sex. too bad sarahs one of those Bi girls that says shes BI when shes fucked up and will makeout and suck on my neck but thats it...if sarah wasnt so ingrossed with her poison...see we share the same posion...its clear and tastes like wata to us now :) but prolly not to anyone else...ugh yeah i tell sarah how much i have been in love with her since 10th grade everytime we hangout now. since last time. and so this time shes like why dont we date...fuck my mom...and yours...blah blah blah....NO
that would be bad...if i EVER get that bad in my head i am worried...b/c i would have to be pretty fucked up for a long time to be able to get with a socailly distorted fucked up lost girl like that. but i do love her and of course we always wnat wht we cant have and of course i always fall for girls that are bad for me...cept Erin
shes not bad for me by any means. shes teaching me a lot. i am grateful for the times we spent together. and she is an awesome amazing beautiful woman. and i can tell that things are changing in both our lives...and theres just this huge wall we both have up...and so it will prolly never be more than what it is now...and thts ok. b/c i enjoyed what i got :) and i just hope we can still talk on the phone everyday...b/c i dont talk on the phone everyday to anyone. and its nice...and shes nice and so simple and smart and she gets me...and no one ever gets me...no girl i have ever dated or tried to date has ever got me...so yeah its sucky it makes my chest hurt and my eyes water up just thinking of life without Erin in it now that i have gotten to know her and let her gotten to know me...but b/c we are both unable to let down the walls this awkwardness is just wearing on me...and sometimes i am completely ok with how much i like her...and others i am so scared b/c i suck at liking me and so i will suck at liking her too if i am not cafe...lol thats not like a coffee shop thats like careful and safe together makes cafe :) and thats too bad that i suck at liking me...so now that im clean again i know imma like me more...and so i will just take all that i've gained from Erin,Megan and everyone else thats helped mold me and grow so when i am able to give my heart away...its for the right reasons and to someone who gets me...b/c i am done with the dumb bullshit i went trhough with megan.
so yeah lots of internal stuff and stuff gooing on in my life...but no cpmlaints b/c hey...its better than JAIL...and it can always always be worse :) peace n luv bitches i am going back to bed and so yeah <3Bear