Overwhelmed...
You know the more I think about it, I think if I didn't feel overwhelmed at time that it wouldn't be normal. I know I have a full schedule and that is overwhelming b/c I think I can't handle it and just want to quit and runaway to a cabin in the mountains. Just an fyi for anyone that cares, when wanting to be in the mountains is like code for me wanting to escape all responsibility I have. And I feel like I"m getting sick and I really just can't get sick. I was getting a fever and I had been praying that I'd feel better b/c I had quite a bit to do and I took some vitamin c stuff and some aleve and within 45 minutes I felt great and was able to get alot accomplished. I don't know if it was the stuff I took or the prayers or a combination of both but it was amazing.
I'm still undecided about what to do this summer. I could stay and take some classes. Or I could go back to Russia. Or a friend was talking to me about helping her this summer and it would involve travelling the country in an RV and promoting Revolve. And that sounds like so much fun and it would give me enough money for school the next semester. It seems like it would be such an answered prayer. But I don't know about not going back to Russia. I'm so torn, I mean that's my heart. I don't know if it's just a decision I have to make or if the Lord's just going to make it crystal clear about what I should do. Again, I"d like to run away to a cabin in the mountains.
So my practicum. Wow. I do have to say that I love it, even though I don't feel like I know what I'm doing. I know that anything that is profound or empathic or is a catalyst to change is definitely coming from the Holy Spirit. I've had a few tough days where I'm like I totally was wrong in what the Lord wants me to do and I'm changing to the cross cultural program. I know this is a time of learning and I knew back 3 years ago that this would be a hard time of life b/c I don't really like not being good at something, especially something I want to do for a long time ( I can't say the rest of my life b/c that's alot of committment). I wish I was like Dr. Marten or Dr. Jones; they know what they're doing. And sometimes I feel like there is this counselor mold and I just don't fit in it quite the right way. But I do find myself going into a different kind of mode when I'm in a session with someone and there is something that comes alive in me that is similar to when I'm in Russia. And I know deep, deep down that this is the path the Lord has for me, granted I'm not sure what'll happen after graduation, but I know counseling is it for me but it's hard, it's really hard, but what in life that's worth it isn't hard? I was thinking about that last night as I listened to a friend talk. Alot of the hardness comes from feeling inadequate and that I just can't do it. And there is that balance of relying on the Lord and taking action on my part. So basically it's hard and humbling, and I need encouragement.
And this is the last thing b/c most people probably won't read this b/c it's so long, but in the last week or so I've been thinking more about the painful things that have happened in my life, mostly around my aunt's death, father's heart attack, parents divorce and my sister not talking to me any more, all of those things which happened in about a 2-3 span, the first 2 happening in the same day. And in that just thinking about suffering and how that works. I try to not dwell on the things of the past or let them define me even though they do contribute to who I am. I also think about other things that I don't really talk about much to others. And then I begin to doubt if I'm over things, which in some ways I don't know if I'll ever be over them completely, especially my sister cutting me out of her life. And maybe it's normal that hearing other people's pain bring to the surface your own. I don't know.
Well I should go to bed; I have a busy busy day tomorrow!!!
Peace out!!
I'm still undecided about what to do this summer. I could stay and take some classes. Or I could go back to Russia. Or a friend was talking to me about helping her this summer and it would involve travelling the country in an RV and promoting Revolve. And that sounds like so much fun and it would give me enough money for school the next semester. It seems like it would be such an answered prayer. But I don't know about not going back to Russia. I'm so torn, I mean that's my heart. I don't know if it's just a decision I have to make or if the Lord's just going to make it crystal clear about what I should do. Again, I"d like to run away to a cabin in the mountains.
So my practicum. Wow. I do have to say that I love it, even though I don't feel like I know what I'm doing. I know that anything that is profound or empathic or is a catalyst to change is definitely coming from the Holy Spirit. I've had a few tough days where I'm like I totally was wrong in what the Lord wants me to do and I'm changing to the cross cultural program. I know this is a time of learning and I knew back 3 years ago that this would be a hard time of life b/c I don't really like not being good at something, especially something I want to do for a long time ( I can't say the rest of my life b/c that's alot of committment). I wish I was like Dr. Marten or Dr. Jones; they know what they're doing. And sometimes I feel like there is this counselor mold and I just don't fit in it quite the right way. But I do find myself going into a different kind of mode when I'm in a session with someone and there is something that comes alive in me that is similar to when I'm in Russia. And I know deep, deep down that this is the path the Lord has for me, granted I'm not sure what'll happen after graduation, but I know counseling is it for me but it's hard, it's really hard, but what in life that's worth it isn't hard? I was thinking about that last night as I listened to a friend talk. Alot of the hardness comes from feeling inadequate and that I just can't do it. And there is that balance of relying on the Lord and taking action on my part. So basically it's hard and humbling, and I need encouragement.
And this is the last thing b/c most people probably won't read this b/c it's so long, but in the last week or so I've been thinking more about the painful things that have happened in my life, mostly around my aunt's death, father's heart attack, parents divorce and my sister not talking to me any more, all of those things which happened in about a 2-3 span, the first 2 happening in the same day. And in that just thinking about suffering and how that works. I try to not dwell on the things of the past or let them define me even though they do contribute to who I am. I also think about other things that I don't really talk about much to others. And then I begin to doubt if I'm over things, which in some ways I don't know if I'll ever be over them completely, especially my sister cutting me out of her life. And maybe it's normal that hearing other people's pain bring to the surface your own. I don't know.
Well I should go to bed; I have a busy busy day tomorrow!!!
Peace out!!