Lifeline 4/5
Title: Lifeline
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaejoong
Summary: One fatal accident leads Jaejoong to his soulmate, the next leaves him forty days to say goodbye. Or, in which Jaejoong dies twice and Yoochun saves him the first time.
A/N: The final part turned out longer than expected (exactly twice as long as the previous parts). I'm really sorry you won't know how it ends yet (I realise how cruel this is), but it's 4am and I don't have the energy to finish/edit all of it. I'll post the (actual) final part tomorrow.
11
Jaejoong couldn't stand being home alone any longer, he'd gone through enough of that when Yoochun was in Okinawa.
After sending his mother and brother off last night, Yoochun had taken him straight to their apartment and to bed. Jaejoong expected amazing sex then, but Yoochun only said that he had loved the evening and the song, kissed him sweetly and told him to go to sleep.
Jaejoong may have been a bit worn out, that was true, but he only had so much time left to do all the things he still wanted to do. And sex, good sex with the genuine passion of before, was high on that list, and infinitely more important than sleep.
When he entered the lobby he again only saw Junsu behind the reception desk. Really? Wasn't it Yoochun's job to be there?
"Hello," Junsu greeted him cheerfully with a smile.
"Hi." Jaejoong tried to come up with an excuse to ask for Yoochun again.
"I know you're not a guest," Junsu interrupted his thought process. "Yoochun told me."
"Did he?" Jaejoong wondered exactly how much Yoochun had told him.
Just as Junsu showed him a strikingly genuine-looking innocent smile, Yoochun appeared from the office behind him. "I thought I heard your voice," he said, eyebrows raised.
Junsu then turned his attention to an actual guest, who had showed up behind Jaejoong thinking he had to wait for his turn. Jaejoong had Yoochun to himself now, but this place was a little too public.
"Can we talk?" he said.
"Okay." Yoochun was still giving him that questioning look.
Jaejoong walked around the desk and followed Yoochun into the office. There were a few messy desks and a coffee machine, but no other people. That was a relief.
"Is there something you couldn't have told me over the phone?" Yoochun asked.
"Yes. This." Jaejoong pulled him close and kissed him.
Yoochun went with it for a moment. He soon pushed Jaejoong away, but he was smiling. "I would have been home in a couple of hours," he said. "You really couldn't wait until then?"
"No," Jaejoong shook his head. "It's been too long."
"I'm sorry," Yoochun said. "But you look so tired lately. I didn't think you'd want-"
Jaejoong interrupted him with another kiss, longer this time. "You're an idiot," he said afterwards. "I always want you."
Something sparked in Yoochun's eyes. "Don't say that like that," he warned. "I'm at work."
"I don't care."
Yoochun pushed his fingers in to Jaejoong's hair, probably to hold him back, but he ended up pulling him closer.
Jaejoong licked his lips and almost whined when he could feel Yoochun's breath on his face, but Yoochun's stupid self control still maintained a small distance between them. They were breathing together now, the air between them loaded with the energy of attraction.
Junsu chose that moment to open the door and barge in. He froze and flushed immediately. "I-I'm sorry," he stammered. "I'm sorry, I-" He stepped back out and pulled the door shut.
Yoochun let go of Jaejoong's hair and sighed. "See what you've done? The poor kid is probably traumatised."
Kid? Maybe Junsu was younger than Jaejoong had assumed. He did seem adorably innocent now that he thought about it. Probably too young to be attractive to Yoochun.
Jaejoong first felt relief, and then, strangely, a hint of disappointment.
No matter how much Jaejoong hated the idea, Yoochun deserved the support of someone new in his life after he was gone. But it would have to be someone strong and experienced, a shoulder to cry on if necessary.
"What are you thinking about?" Yoochun asked.
"I'm just worried...He won't tell on us and get you in trouble?"
"No, he won't. Don't worry about it," Yoochun gave him a reassuring smile. "But wait for me at home, please."
Jaejoong couldn't resist when Yoochun asked him like that, with that pleading look in his eyes. So he did. He went home and waited.
He wondered if maybe he should dress up, or light some candles like they did in movies, but he ended up just waiting and doing nothing else. It was a bit pathetic really. He had to tell himself he wouldn't have acted like this if he hadn't been dead.
Yoochun arrived home early. He barely had time to take off his coat and unbutton his jacket before Jaejoong jumped him.
Yoochun laughed as he was pushed against the wall and Jaejoong pulled his tie loose. "I've missed you too," he said.
10
Jaejoong didn't want to bother Yoochun at work again, but more agonising days of waiting with nothing to do was not how he wanted to spend the rest of his life.
He picked up his phone and wrote a text to Jangmi. He hesitated, but did press sent eventually.
He had planned not to meet with her alone for a while, but if there was one friend he really did need to see one last time, it was her. He was sure Yoochun would understand if he knew.
Jangmi's response came quickly. She was at work, obviously, on a Wednesday - Jaejoong lost track of the days, desperately trying not to count them even though he knew he would - but she said she'd love to meet him for lunch.
He arrived at the restaurant first. He was nervous, mostly because hadn't planned what he was going to say, how much he would reveal.
Luckily Jangmi took control the moment she walked in and he hardly had to say anything. She happily chatted away, about how good it was to see him again, and how annoying that the weather was too cold for summer dresses, and that he should really try the pasta.
Jaejoong only had to ask a few simple questions and she was ranting again. "How is work?" he asked. "Does Seungho still complain about every little detail in your reports?"
"Oh, no," she said. "We got a new manager." And then she was talking about how this one was much worse.
Jangmi used to be his colleague. They had worked together for years and became good friends. She still worked at the company. It was over a year after he'd lost his job, when they still met occasionally, that she admitted she'd developed a crush on him.
Jaejoong clearly told her that Yoochun was the only one for him, and they had quickly gone back to being friends. Jangmi was very relaxed and mature about the most things. Jaejoong liked her for that, how she smiled and chatted her way through life but always respected other people's feelings.
That was why he was sure she understood why it had been so long since he last contacted her.
The last time was after he got really worked up during a fight with Yoochun, so badly he'd said he wished he'd left him for her, because she would have made him happier.
He hadn't really meant it, of course not, but it had been impossible to convince Yoochun of that.
Jangmi seemed to read his expression, because she dropped the subject of adopting stray kittens and showed him her serious face.
"Do you want me to continue, or do you have something to talk to me about?" it was a carefully posed question. She was offering him a casual chat over lunch, if that was what he needed, or a more serious conversation.
Jaejoong wished he could have both. Well, technically he'd already had the first one, up to this point. And there were some things he really needed to discuss with her, since this would most likely be their last meeting.
"I just want to say I'm sorry about last time. I said something stupid to Yoochun, which you had nothing to do with."
"I have to say," Jangmi started, "that at first when you called me, all shaken up, to say that we shouldn't hang out for a while, I was ready to kill the guy, regardless of him being your boyfriend and the love of your life and all that."
"I really wasn't that bad," Jaejoong said.
"You were crying," Jangmi said pointedly, "which I'd never seen or heard you do before. I thought he was seriously hurting you."
Jaejoong wished he could deny that. "It was a bit of an emotional fight," he grudgingly admitted.
"Well, yes, I got that." Jangmi said. "Do you know why he went way beyond regular jealous boyfriend that time?"
"I do," Jaejoong said. He'd thought about this, and he knew Yoochun well enough to understand his insecurities. "It's because he's always had this idea that parental love is equally important to everyone, and that the only thing standing between me and my parents is the fact that I'm gay. So me threatening to leave him for a woman is extra scary, because he honestly thinks I would do it, for more than one reason."
"Well, he's an idiot," Jangmi said. "And you are, too. You're idiots in love and, oh god, why does that sound so adorable?"
Was Jangmi indirectly calling Yoochun adorable? "What changed your mind?" Jaejoong asked, confused. "About wanting to kill him?"
"He did," Jangmi said, casually spooning up the last of her soup.
"Yoochun?"
"Yes, he called me," she said. "Don't look so shocked, he didn't go through your phone or anything. He called our department and asked for me. He apologised. He said he overreacted. He said he never meant to break off our friendship and he asked me to talk to you because you were sulking and you probably needed a friend."
"He did?"
"Please close your mouth. You look like a fish. Yes he did. I told him you didn't need me, you just needed him to apologise."
"He wanted me to talk to you?" Jaejoong asked. "I promised him I wouldn't hang out with you one on one anymore if it made him feel so uncomfortable. He didn't say anything to that."
"You promised him that when he didn't even ask for it?" Jangmi rolled her eyes. "And did he even apologise like I told him to? Like I said, you're both such idiots, seriously."
"I know," Jaejoong said. "I know I'm so stupid. I messed up, Mimi." He covered his face with his hands.
"Hey," Jangmi said. "I was just teasing. You got over that fight eventually, didn't you? You're still together, right? Is it really such a big deal?"
"We are," Jaejoong said, "And it's not. But we wasted so much time in our relationship on being angry over nothing. Not just this."
"Fighting is part of the relationship," Jangmi said.
"But say one of us died, soon," Jaejoong tried to word it carefully, and failed miserably. "One of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow. I wouldn't want there to be any regrets for the one left behind. I just don't want any regrets at all."
"So you want to live every day like it's your last?" Jangmi said. "That's a bit extreme, although I admire your passion for life. But, Jae, everybody has regrets. You haven't lived if you don't. You can't turn back time. And I'm sure that if someone dies, you try to remember the good memories with that person instead. ...unless you murdered them, then you should probably regret that. "
Good memories. He was using his final days to create as much of those as he could. If Jangmi was right, maybe trying to fix their relationship had not been the wrong decision after all.
"Enough serious talk, I'm sure you'll be fine," Jangmi said with an encouraging smile. "It was really nice to see you again, but I should get back, or the new manager will have me working overtime for a week."
She gathered her bag and her coat and stood up. "Call me when you want to talk, anytime you want. You now know that Yoochun is okay with it. He should really have told you so himself though."
"Wait," Jaejoong said. She stopped and looked at him expectantly. Jaejoong saw she was in a hurry, so he didn't have much time to think about what to say.
"Just in case I do get hit by a bus tomorrow," he said. "You should know that you were the best friend I could ever ask for."
Jangmi smiled. "Thank you. I love you, too. As a friend, I mean. Just so you know, I've already set my eyes on another man. Now let's hope this one isn't gay."
"I'm sure you can still turn him if he's single," Jaejoong said.
She laughed. "Wish me luck."
He smiled and nodded. She turned and walked away.
Jangmi was busy with work, and being in love. It had to be thanks to this that she hadn't notice how tense he was, she was usually so perceptive. Jaejoong was actually grateful for that. He remembered her smile as she left, and he hoped she would remember his.
9
Yoochun was still asleep when the doorbell rang. It was his day off and he deserved to sleep in. Jaejoong quickly got up, pulled on some sweatpants and one of Yoochun's T-shirts and walked to the door before a second ring could wake him up.
It was a delivery man, handing him a lovely flower bouquet. The air that streamed in from the hallway was cold against his bare arms, it was winter outside, but the bright colours reminded Jaejoong of summer.
He was very surprised. The only person who ever bought him flowers was Yoochun, and he'd just take them home with him, not get them delivered. He put the flowers down on the kitchen table and discovered a card between them.
Dear Jaejoong,
Thank you for the lovely dinner. It was delicious. You are a great cook, and if I interpreted your song correctly, you love my son almost as much as I do. So I'll assume he is safe in your hands. I wish you the best of luck with your singing and I truly look forward to hearing your music on the radio one day. Yoochun has told me about your love of flowers. I hope you like them.
Jaejoong read it twice, and then turned it over because he thought it might say 'just kidding' on the back.
He sagged against the kitchen counter. Had it really been this easy? One dinner and a song and Yoochun's mother, who he thought hated him, sent him a note like this?
If the things that had held back their relationship were so easily fixed, it was no wonder Angel was disappointed in him.
Yoochun stumbled into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He stopped and frowned when he saw that Jaejoong was staring at flowers instead of preparing breakfast.
"What's that? Why the serious face?" he asked.
"Your mother sent me this." Jaejoong handed him the card.
As Yoochun read it, his face broke into a smile. He walked around the table and wrapped his arms around Jaejoong from behind. "You have no idea how much that means to me," he said. They looked at the flowers together.
"I think I'm beginning to understand," Jaejoong said. "That's why I did it."
Yoochun hummed and kissed his cheek and then he was quiet for a while. Jaejoong leaned against him.
"I want to say something about your parents," Yoochun said.
Jaejoong tensed and turned around in his arms. "Please don't."
"No, let me apologise."
Jaejoong sighed. "What for?"
"I'm sorry I kept asking you to talk to them and visit them even though I know you have a good reason not to. I just thought you didn't want to try, but I understand that not all parents can be like my mother, and if you respect my relationship with her, I should really respect your relationship with yours."
Jaejoong rested his head against Yoochun's shoulder and just let himself be held for a moment.
"Thank you," he said. "That also means a lot to me."
8
"Is this Jaejoong?"
"Yes. Hello?" Jaejoong didn't recognise the male voice on the other end of the line, just as his phone hadn't recognised the number.
"My name is Jung Yunho, producer at KBC. I watched your performance in The Blue Rose three days ago and I finally managed to get your number through the owner. Do you have time to talk right now?"
Jaejoong tried to stay calm, ignore the millions of thoughts that were flying through his head and reply normally, not like he wanted to scream.
Yoochun wasn't home to ask what was wrong, who was calling.
Jaejoong had wanted to go grocery shopping together, but Yoochun insisted that he would do it and Jaejoong should rest, because he looked tired and they always ended up fighting over prices anyway.
Jaejoong was tired of being told he looked tired, so tired that he'd almost picked a fight with Yoochun right then, so he'd let him go alone.
"Yes," he said, stupidly. There should have been someone in the room to hold him back.
He finished the phone call without really thinking about what he was saying, and then he didn't have anyone to talk about it. He jumped when the door opened and Yoochun came in with the groceries.
"I don't know if I got everything," he said. "Maybe you should come along next time." He put the bags on the floor and looked at Jaejoong. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
Jaejoong wasn't afraid of ghosts. He practically was one himself.
"Jae? What's wrong?"
"I've been scouted," he said quietly, in disbelief still. "By KBC," he added, louder. "They want me as a singer, possibly songwriter."
Yoochun dropped his coat on the floor and came over. "Really? That's amazing!"
Jaejoong smiled weakly. "I know."
Yoochun laughed. He looked so happy. "I want to congratulate you, but you look like you need cheering up, why?."
Jaejoong couldn't stop himself then. He let his tears fall, in front of Yoochun.
"Hey," Yoochun said. His smile quickly turned to a frown. He sat down next to Jaejoong on the couch and put a hand on his leg. "Don't you want this job? Is it...not the right company? Or are you crying because you're happy."
"I'm crying because I'm overwhelmed," Jaejoong said. It wasn't a complete lie. It was hard to fathom how incredibly unlucky he was. One week, he had exactly one week left to pretend to be alive and this was the moment he got the job he wanted.
"That's okay then," Yoochun said. Although he didn't sound completely reassured. "We should celebrate."
Jaejoong managed a little smile to show him that he was okay. "Let's save that for when I've actually signed a contract."
7
Something was bothering Yoochun, had been all day, Jaejoong could see it in his face. He wished he knew what it was, but he was afraid to ask. He sighed and looked at the mess of words and sentences in the notebook in front of him, wondering if he could somehow turn this into a song.
Eventually he just gave up and turned his attention to Yoochun. "What do you want to eat tonight? I'll make anything you want."
Yoochun didn't respond, although he was looking at him, not at the movie playing on the TV. Jaejoong repeated the question.
"Why are you so good to me?" Yoochun said.
"...what do you mean? I cook you things you like all the time. Do you think I'm spoiling you?"
"No," Yoochun said. He sat up and turned the TV off. "I thought about it, and ever since I mentioned breaking up you haven't yelled at me once. I know I should like that, and I do, but something just feels...off. I tried to think of something I could have done to deserve this, and all I remember doing is hurting you."
Jaejoong shook his head. "You haven't hurt me." No more than I hurt you. Definitely no more than I am going to hurt you.
"Don't," Yoochun said, "please, don't deny it. Suggesting a break up was bad enough, but the weeks before that, all I did was distrust you and treat you coldly."
"I know you didn't really mean-"
"But I did!" Yoochun was getting angry now, angry because Jaejoong wouldn't be mad at him, which was ridiculous. "At least let me apologise. Please. I apologise for all the times I questioned you about other men, the times I let my insecurity get the best of me and especially...that time I almost kicked you out because of Jangmi."
"Apology accepted," Jaejoong said. "But I'd already forgiven you for that."
Either Yoochun didn't believe him, or he just wasn't done apologising yet. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for not trusting you. I was so stupid."
"It's okay," Jaejoong said, although his heart did a little jump when he realised that Yoochun trusted him now.
"But I feel terrible," Yoochun said. "These past few weeks. You've been so good to me. It made me think about how I've been to you. And I know now. Because you finally got the job you wanted, and you can't even be fucking happy about it because you feel like it was expected of you. Because you always felt guilty about using my money. And I did that to you. I made you believe that. My mother too, but I just let her."
"No, no." Jaejoong said. He got up from the table and walked over to the couch. He kneeled by Yoochun's feet and took his hands. "You're wrong. I am happy. You never made me feel like that. You never really hurt me."
It was like Yoochun wasn't listening to him. "I don't deserve you," he said. "Don't cook for me, don't do anything. What have I ever done for you?"
"More than you can imagine," Jaejoong said. "You saved my life, remember?"
Yoochun almost laughed, but he was closer to crying. "I didn't do anything. I only bought you flowers."
"Exactly," Jaejoong said. "You bought me my favourite flowers when you didn't even know me yet. That's no coincidence."
Yoochun laughed now. Jaejoong wished he understood how serious he was. He sat down on the couch and wrapped an arm around Yoochun's shoulders. "I love you," he said, "and you have nothing to feel guilty about."
Yoochun turned to face him. "I feel like we haven't talked, really talked, in a very long time," he said.
"You felt it too?"
"I love you, and it's like I've been trying to deny that. But it's so obvious. Do you ever feel like...like we just belong together? Like no matter how much we fight, you wouldn't want to be with anyone else? Because I feel like that all the time."
Jaejoong's heart hurt so badly he wanted to scream. The only thing that relieved the pain a little bit was looking into Yoochun's eyes, which were deep and honest and full of love.
Yoochun touched his face. "You have no idea how much I've missed this."
"I do," Jaejoong said.
"Where did we go wrong?" Yoochun asked.
Jaejoong still wasn't quite sure. He only knew it had been a combination of things. "I don't know. But it doesn't matter, does it?"
"I just don't want it to happen again," Yoochun said.
"It won't," Jaejoong tried to say, but he choked on the words.
Yoochun frowned and wiped the tears from his cheek with his thumb. "Don't cry," he said. And then, after a short pause: "Has anyone told you lately how beautiful you are? Because you deserve to be told that every day."
NEXT
Previous
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaejoong
Summary: One fatal accident leads Jaejoong to his soulmate, the next leaves him forty days to say goodbye. Or, in which Jaejoong dies twice and Yoochun saves him the first time.
A/N: The final part turned out longer than expected (exactly twice as long as the previous parts). I'm really sorry you won't know how it ends yet (I realise how cruel this is), but it's 4am and I don't have the energy to finish/edit all of it. I'll post the (actual) final part tomorrow.
11
Jaejoong couldn't stand being home alone any longer, he'd gone through enough of that when Yoochun was in Okinawa.
After sending his mother and brother off last night, Yoochun had taken him straight to their apartment and to bed. Jaejoong expected amazing sex then, but Yoochun only said that he had loved the evening and the song, kissed him sweetly and told him to go to sleep.
Jaejoong may have been a bit worn out, that was true, but he only had so much time left to do all the things he still wanted to do. And sex, good sex with the genuine passion of before, was high on that list, and infinitely more important than sleep.
When he entered the lobby he again only saw Junsu behind the reception desk. Really? Wasn't it Yoochun's job to be there?
"Hello," Junsu greeted him cheerfully with a smile.
"Hi." Jaejoong tried to come up with an excuse to ask for Yoochun again.
"I know you're not a guest," Junsu interrupted his thought process. "Yoochun told me."
"Did he?" Jaejoong wondered exactly how much Yoochun had told him.
Just as Junsu showed him a strikingly genuine-looking innocent smile, Yoochun appeared from the office behind him. "I thought I heard your voice," he said, eyebrows raised.
Junsu then turned his attention to an actual guest, who had showed up behind Jaejoong thinking he had to wait for his turn. Jaejoong had Yoochun to himself now, but this place was a little too public.
"Can we talk?" he said.
"Okay." Yoochun was still giving him that questioning look.
Jaejoong walked around the desk and followed Yoochun into the office. There were a few messy desks and a coffee machine, but no other people. That was a relief.
"Is there something you couldn't have told me over the phone?" Yoochun asked.
"Yes. This." Jaejoong pulled him close and kissed him.
Yoochun went with it for a moment. He soon pushed Jaejoong away, but he was smiling. "I would have been home in a couple of hours," he said. "You really couldn't wait until then?"
"No," Jaejoong shook his head. "It's been too long."
"I'm sorry," Yoochun said. "But you look so tired lately. I didn't think you'd want-"
Jaejoong interrupted him with another kiss, longer this time. "You're an idiot," he said afterwards. "I always want you."
Something sparked in Yoochun's eyes. "Don't say that like that," he warned. "I'm at work."
"I don't care."
Yoochun pushed his fingers in to Jaejoong's hair, probably to hold him back, but he ended up pulling him closer.
Jaejoong licked his lips and almost whined when he could feel Yoochun's breath on his face, but Yoochun's stupid self control still maintained a small distance between them. They were breathing together now, the air between them loaded with the energy of attraction.
Junsu chose that moment to open the door and barge in. He froze and flushed immediately. "I-I'm sorry," he stammered. "I'm sorry, I-" He stepped back out and pulled the door shut.
Yoochun let go of Jaejoong's hair and sighed. "See what you've done? The poor kid is probably traumatised."
Kid? Maybe Junsu was younger than Jaejoong had assumed. He did seem adorably innocent now that he thought about it. Probably too young to be attractive to Yoochun.
Jaejoong first felt relief, and then, strangely, a hint of disappointment.
No matter how much Jaejoong hated the idea, Yoochun deserved the support of someone new in his life after he was gone. But it would have to be someone strong and experienced, a shoulder to cry on if necessary.
"What are you thinking about?" Yoochun asked.
"I'm just worried...He won't tell on us and get you in trouble?"
"No, he won't. Don't worry about it," Yoochun gave him a reassuring smile. "But wait for me at home, please."
Jaejoong couldn't resist when Yoochun asked him like that, with that pleading look in his eyes. So he did. He went home and waited.
He wondered if maybe he should dress up, or light some candles like they did in movies, but he ended up just waiting and doing nothing else. It was a bit pathetic really. He had to tell himself he wouldn't have acted like this if he hadn't been dead.
Yoochun arrived home early. He barely had time to take off his coat and unbutton his jacket before Jaejoong jumped him.
Yoochun laughed as he was pushed against the wall and Jaejoong pulled his tie loose. "I've missed you too," he said.
10
Jaejoong didn't want to bother Yoochun at work again, but more agonising days of waiting with nothing to do was not how he wanted to spend the rest of his life.
He picked up his phone and wrote a text to Jangmi. He hesitated, but did press sent eventually.
He had planned not to meet with her alone for a while, but if there was one friend he really did need to see one last time, it was her. He was sure Yoochun would understand if he knew.
Jangmi's response came quickly. She was at work, obviously, on a Wednesday - Jaejoong lost track of the days, desperately trying not to count them even though he knew he would - but she said she'd love to meet him for lunch.
He arrived at the restaurant first. He was nervous, mostly because hadn't planned what he was going to say, how much he would reveal.
Luckily Jangmi took control the moment she walked in and he hardly had to say anything. She happily chatted away, about how good it was to see him again, and how annoying that the weather was too cold for summer dresses, and that he should really try the pasta.
Jaejoong only had to ask a few simple questions and she was ranting again. "How is work?" he asked. "Does Seungho still complain about every little detail in your reports?"
"Oh, no," she said. "We got a new manager." And then she was talking about how this one was much worse.
Jangmi used to be his colleague. They had worked together for years and became good friends. She still worked at the company. It was over a year after he'd lost his job, when they still met occasionally, that she admitted she'd developed a crush on him.
Jaejoong clearly told her that Yoochun was the only one for him, and they had quickly gone back to being friends. Jangmi was very relaxed and mature about the most things. Jaejoong liked her for that, how she smiled and chatted her way through life but always respected other people's feelings.
That was why he was sure she understood why it had been so long since he last contacted her.
The last time was after he got really worked up during a fight with Yoochun, so badly he'd said he wished he'd left him for her, because she would have made him happier.
He hadn't really meant it, of course not, but it had been impossible to convince Yoochun of that.
Jangmi seemed to read his expression, because she dropped the subject of adopting stray kittens and showed him her serious face.
"Do you want me to continue, or do you have something to talk to me about?" it was a carefully posed question. She was offering him a casual chat over lunch, if that was what he needed, or a more serious conversation.
Jaejoong wished he could have both. Well, technically he'd already had the first one, up to this point. And there were some things he really needed to discuss with her, since this would most likely be their last meeting.
"I just want to say I'm sorry about last time. I said something stupid to Yoochun, which you had nothing to do with."
"I have to say," Jangmi started, "that at first when you called me, all shaken up, to say that we shouldn't hang out for a while, I was ready to kill the guy, regardless of him being your boyfriend and the love of your life and all that."
"I really wasn't that bad," Jaejoong said.
"You were crying," Jangmi said pointedly, "which I'd never seen or heard you do before. I thought he was seriously hurting you."
Jaejoong wished he could deny that. "It was a bit of an emotional fight," he grudgingly admitted.
"Well, yes, I got that." Jangmi said. "Do you know why he went way beyond regular jealous boyfriend that time?"
"I do," Jaejoong said. He'd thought about this, and he knew Yoochun well enough to understand his insecurities. "It's because he's always had this idea that parental love is equally important to everyone, and that the only thing standing between me and my parents is the fact that I'm gay. So me threatening to leave him for a woman is extra scary, because he honestly thinks I would do it, for more than one reason."
"Well, he's an idiot," Jangmi said. "And you are, too. You're idiots in love and, oh god, why does that sound so adorable?"
Was Jangmi indirectly calling Yoochun adorable? "What changed your mind?" Jaejoong asked, confused. "About wanting to kill him?"
"He did," Jangmi said, casually spooning up the last of her soup.
"Yoochun?"
"Yes, he called me," she said. "Don't look so shocked, he didn't go through your phone or anything. He called our department and asked for me. He apologised. He said he overreacted. He said he never meant to break off our friendship and he asked me to talk to you because you were sulking and you probably needed a friend."
"He did?"
"Please close your mouth. You look like a fish. Yes he did. I told him you didn't need me, you just needed him to apologise."
"He wanted me to talk to you?" Jaejoong asked. "I promised him I wouldn't hang out with you one on one anymore if it made him feel so uncomfortable. He didn't say anything to that."
"You promised him that when he didn't even ask for it?" Jangmi rolled her eyes. "And did he even apologise like I told him to? Like I said, you're both such idiots, seriously."
"I know," Jaejoong said. "I know I'm so stupid. I messed up, Mimi." He covered his face with his hands.
"Hey," Jangmi said. "I was just teasing. You got over that fight eventually, didn't you? You're still together, right? Is it really such a big deal?"
"We are," Jaejoong said, "And it's not. But we wasted so much time in our relationship on being angry over nothing. Not just this."
"Fighting is part of the relationship," Jangmi said.
"But say one of us died, soon," Jaejoong tried to word it carefully, and failed miserably. "One of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow. I wouldn't want there to be any regrets for the one left behind. I just don't want any regrets at all."
"So you want to live every day like it's your last?" Jangmi said. "That's a bit extreme, although I admire your passion for life. But, Jae, everybody has regrets. You haven't lived if you don't. You can't turn back time. And I'm sure that if someone dies, you try to remember the good memories with that person instead. ...unless you murdered them, then you should probably regret that. "
Good memories. He was using his final days to create as much of those as he could. If Jangmi was right, maybe trying to fix their relationship had not been the wrong decision after all.
"Enough serious talk, I'm sure you'll be fine," Jangmi said with an encouraging smile. "It was really nice to see you again, but I should get back, or the new manager will have me working overtime for a week."
She gathered her bag and her coat and stood up. "Call me when you want to talk, anytime you want. You now know that Yoochun is okay with it. He should really have told you so himself though."
"Wait," Jaejoong said. She stopped and looked at him expectantly. Jaejoong saw she was in a hurry, so he didn't have much time to think about what to say.
"Just in case I do get hit by a bus tomorrow," he said. "You should know that you were the best friend I could ever ask for."
Jangmi smiled. "Thank you. I love you, too. As a friend, I mean. Just so you know, I've already set my eyes on another man. Now let's hope this one isn't gay."
"I'm sure you can still turn him if he's single," Jaejoong said.
She laughed. "Wish me luck."
He smiled and nodded. She turned and walked away.
Jangmi was busy with work, and being in love. It had to be thanks to this that she hadn't notice how tense he was, she was usually so perceptive. Jaejoong was actually grateful for that. He remembered her smile as she left, and he hoped she would remember his.
9
Yoochun was still asleep when the doorbell rang. It was his day off and he deserved to sleep in. Jaejoong quickly got up, pulled on some sweatpants and one of Yoochun's T-shirts and walked to the door before a second ring could wake him up.
It was a delivery man, handing him a lovely flower bouquet. The air that streamed in from the hallway was cold against his bare arms, it was winter outside, but the bright colours reminded Jaejoong of summer.
He was very surprised. The only person who ever bought him flowers was Yoochun, and he'd just take them home with him, not get them delivered. He put the flowers down on the kitchen table and discovered a card between them.
Dear Jaejoong,
Thank you for the lovely dinner. It was delicious. You are a great cook, and if I interpreted your song correctly, you love my son almost as much as I do. So I'll assume he is safe in your hands. I wish you the best of luck with your singing and I truly look forward to hearing your music on the radio one day. Yoochun has told me about your love of flowers. I hope you like them.
Jaejoong read it twice, and then turned it over because he thought it might say 'just kidding' on the back.
He sagged against the kitchen counter. Had it really been this easy? One dinner and a song and Yoochun's mother, who he thought hated him, sent him a note like this?
If the things that had held back their relationship were so easily fixed, it was no wonder Angel was disappointed in him.
Yoochun stumbled into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He stopped and frowned when he saw that Jaejoong was staring at flowers instead of preparing breakfast.
"What's that? Why the serious face?" he asked.
"Your mother sent me this." Jaejoong handed him the card.
As Yoochun read it, his face broke into a smile. He walked around the table and wrapped his arms around Jaejoong from behind. "You have no idea how much that means to me," he said. They looked at the flowers together.
"I think I'm beginning to understand," Jaejoong said. "That's why I did it."
Yoochun hummed and kissed his cheek and then he was quiet for a while. Jaejoong leaned against him.
"I want to say something about your parents," Yoochun said.
Jaejoong tensed and turned around in his arms. "Please don't."
"No, let me apologise."
Jaejoong sighed. "What for?"
"I'm sorry I kept asking you to talk to them and visit them even though I know you have a good reason not to. I just thought you didn't want to try, but I understand that not all parents can be like my mother, and if you respect my relationship with her, I should really respect your relationship with yours."
Jaejoong rested his head against Yoochun's shoulder and just let himself be held for a moment.
"Thank you," he said. "That also means a lot to me."
8
"Is this Jaejoong?"
"Yes. Hello?" Jaejoong didn't recognise the male voice on the other end of the line, just as his phone hadn't recognised the number.
"My name is Jung Yunho, producer at KBC. I watched your performance in The Blue Rose three days ago and I finally managed to get your number through the owner. Do you have time to talk right now?"
Jaejoong tried to stay calm, ignore the millions of thoughts that were flying through his head and reply normally, not like he wanted to scream.
Yoochun wasn't home to ask what was wrong, who was calling.
Jaejoong had wanted to go grocery shopping together, but Yoochun insisted that he would do it and Jaejoong should rest, because he looked tired and they always ended up fighting over prices anyway.
Jaejoong was tired of being told he looked tired, so tired that he'd almost picked a fight with Yoochun right then, so he'd let him go alone.
"Yes," he said, stupidly. There should have been someone in the room to hold him back.
He finished the phone call without really thinking about what he was saying, and then he didn't have anyone to talk about it. He jumped when the door opened and Yoochun came in with the groceries.
"I don't know if I got everything," he said. "Maybe you should come along next time." He put the bags on the floor and looked at Jaejoong. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
Jaejoong wasn't afraid of ghosts. He practically was one himself.
"Jae? What's wrong?"
"I've been scouted," he said quietly, in disbelief still. "By KBC," he added, louder. "They want me as a singer, possibly songwriter."
Yoochun dropped his coat on the floor and came over. "Really? That's amazing!"
Jaejoong smiled weakly. "I know."
Yoochun laughed. He looked so happy. "I want to congratulate you, but you look like you need cheering up, why?."
Jaejoong couldn't stop himself then. He let his tears fall, in front of Yoochun.
"Hey," Yoochun said. His smile quickly turned to a frown. He sat down next to Jaejoong on the couch and put a hand on his leg. "Don't you want this job? Is it...not the right company? Or are you crying because you're happy."
"I'm crying because I'm overwhelmed," Jaejoong said. It wasn't a complete lie. It was hard to fathom how incredibly unlucky he was. One week, he had exactly one week left to pretend to be alive and this was the moment he got the job he wanted.
"That's okay then," Yoochun said. Although he didn't sound completely reassured. "We should celebrate."
Jaejoong managed a little smile to show him that he was okay. "Let's save that for when I've actually signed a contract."
7
Something was bothering Yoochun, had been all day, Jaejoong could see it in his face. He wished he knew what it was, but he was afraid to ask. He sighed and looked at the mess of words and sentences in the notebook in front of him, wondering if he could somehow turn this into a song.
Eventually he just gave up and turned his attention to Yoochun. "What do you want to eat tonight? I'll make anything you want."
Yoochun didn't respond, although he was looking at him, not at the movie playing on the TV. Jaejoong repeated the question.
"Why are you so good to me?" Yoochun said.
"...what do you mean? I cook you things you like all the time. Do you think I'm spoiling you?"
"No," Yoochun said. He sat up and turned the TV off. "I thought about it, and ever since I mentioned breaking up you haven't yelled at me once. I know I should like that, and I do, but something just feels...off. I tried to think of something I could have done to deserve this, and all I remember doing is hurting you."
Jaejoong shook his head. "You haven't hurt me." No more than I hurt you. Definitely no more than I am going to hurt you.
"Don't," Yoochun said, "please, don't deny it. Suggesting a break up was bad enough, but the weeks before that, all I did was distrust you and treat you coldly."
"I know you didn't really mean-"
"But I did!" Yoochun was getting angry now, angry because Jaejoong wouldn't be mad at him, which was ridiculous. "At least let me apologise. Please. I apologise for all the times I questioned you about other men, the times I let my insecurity get the best of me and especially...that time I almost kicked you out because of Jangmi."
"Apology accepted," Jaejoong said. "But I'd already forgiven you for that."
Either Yoochun didn't believe him, or he just wasn't done apologising yet. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for not trusting you. I was so stupid."
"It's okay," Jaejoong said, although his heart did a little jump when he realised that Yoochun trusted him now.
"But I feel terrible," Yoochun said. "These past few weeks. You've been so good to me. It made me think about how I've been to you. And I know now. Because you finally got the job you wanted, and you can't even be fucking happy about it because you feel like it was expected of you. Because you always felt guilty about using my money. And I did that to you. I made you believe that. My mother too, but I just let her."
"No, no." Jaejoong said. He got up from the table and walked over to the couch. He kneeled by Yoochun's feet and took his hands. "You're wrong. I am happy. You never made me feel like that. You never really hurt me."
It was like Yoochun wasn't listening to him. "I don't deserve you," he said. "Don't cook for me, don't do anything. What have I ever done for you?"
"More than you can imagine," Jaejoong said. "You saved my life, remember?"
Yoochun almost laughed, but he was closer to crying. "I didn't do anything. I only bought you flowers."
"Exactly," Jaejoong said. "You bought me my favourite flowers when you didn't even know me yet. That's no coincidence."
Yoochun laughed now. Jaejoong wished he understood how serious he was. He sat down on the couch and wrapped an arm around Yoochun's shoulders. "I love you," he said, "and you have nothing to feel guilty about."
Yoochun turned to face him. "I feel like we haven't talked, really talked, in a very long time," he said.
"You felt it too?"
"I love you, and it's like I've been trying to deny that. But it's so obvious. Do you ever feel like...like we just belong together? Like no matter how much we fight, you wouldn't want to be with anyone else? Because I feel like that all the time."
Jaejoong's heart hurt so badly he wanted to scream. The only thing that relieved the pain a little bit was looking into Yoochun's eyes, which were deep and honest and full of love.
Yoochun touched his face. "You have no idea how much I've missed this."
"I do," Jaejoong said.
"Where did we go wrong?" Yoochun asked.
Jaejoong still wasn't quite sure. He only knew it had been a combination of things. "I don't know. But it doesn't matter, does it?"
"I just don't want it to happen again," Yoochun said.
"It won't," Jaejoong tried to say, but he choked on the words.
Yoochun frowned and wiped the tears from his cheek with his thumb. "Don't cry," he said. And then, after a short pause: "Has anyone told you lately how beautiful you are? Because you deserve to be told that every day."
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