Lifeline 5/5
Title: Lifeline
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaejoong
Summary: One fatal accident leads Jaejoong to his soulmate, the next leaves him forty days to say goodbye. Or, in which Jaejoong dies twice and Yoochun saves him the first time.
6
Winter arrived in the form of pure white snow that covered the whole city overnight. The days didn't last very long for anyone in terms of sunlight, but Jaejoong's days seemed to have shortened more literally.
He tried not to think about the passing of time. He refused to look at clocks and wished the whole concept of days and hours and minutes away. It was a futile effort.
Yoochun bought him flowers today, the biggest most beautiful bouquet, and also a single red rose to make it even more romantic.
Flowers were Jaejoong's favourite gift. They were pretty and colourful, they reminded him of summer and they wouldn't end up forgotten in the back of a drawer or behind the couch. They also wouldn't break or get lost like jewellery, or used daily like kitchen tools until their identity as a precious gift was slowly forgotten.
Flowers wilted, which was sad, but such was life, and it had never made Jaejoong cry before. This time he cried, not only because he knew the flowers would die, but also because for the first time, he feared their beauty might actually outlive his.
"Are you okay?" Yoochun asked. He looked so worried, like he feared he'd done something wrong.
"Yes, of course." Jaejoong smiled. "I've just really missed getting flowers from you. Thank you. They're beautiful." He didn't want to think about how materialistic that made him seem. It was the only excuse he could come up with.
He had somehow managed to fix their relationship within twenty days. All that was left now was to say goodbye. He still had a few days for that. Everything was going according to plan, and no, he was not okay.
5
Jaejoong felt constantly tired. He didn't need Yoochun to point out that he looked it anymore. Today, there was also a headache that simply wouldn't go away, whatever he tried.
It was probably the obvious result of stress and not enough sleep. It seemed that being dead wasn't very good for his health. Either that, or the injuries that had killed him thirty-five days ago were slowly starting to re-appear.
But Angel had promised him forty days, and Jaejoong refused to spend the final five of those in bed with a splitting headache.
Angel wouldn't want that either, surely. Angel liked to see true love and happiness, and Angel had healed things worse than a headache in the past.
That was why Jaejoong decided to ask for help. He didn't know if it would work, he didn't even really know how, but anything was better than doing nothing.
He wasn't a very religious person, but he understood the concept of prayer, so he closed his eyes and focused, reaching out with his mind.
Angel, if you can hear me, please...please listen. I know you've already done more for me than I deserve, but I have a date with Yoochun tonight. Please, let me have that, let me enjoy it, without this exhaustion and pain.
He opened his eyes and waited. The apartment was empty, tidy and quiet. He could faintly hear someone move something on the floor above, but there was no actual sign of the presence of a supernatural being.
A second after he'd thought that, the headache was suddenly gone. Jaejoong stood up. He felt reenergised.
A feeling of gratitude covered him like a warm blanket. It was strangely comforting, this knowledge that there was someone keeping an eye on him, almost looking after him, someone who, clearly, wasn't all bad. He sent Angel a silent thank you.
The rest of the day was like a dream. The kind you wish would last forever.
Yoochun picked the restaurant. It wasn't The Blue Rose, but a place they had been before, a long time ago.
During dinner Jaejoong almost felt like this was only their second or third date.
They discussed things that had happened in the news lately, and the food, and then Yoochun would suddenly slip in a compliment about Jaejoong's hair and the conversation turned flirty.
Yoochun reached for him and they held hands above the table, like they where that kind of young couple who can't stand the absence of skin-to-skin contact.
While they waited for their dessert, they overheard some embarrassing stories from a woman sitting at the next table. She had taken her parents out to dinner and apparently made it her goal to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible. Yoochun's facial expressions in reaction to her intimate revelations kept making Jaejoong laugh.
Dinner didn't last long enough.
Because Yoochun wore suits every day at work, he usually dressed down for dates. Jaejoong loved it, just as much as he loved the suits, and an added bonus was that the blue sweater he wore today was a lot easier to get rid of than the usual buttoned layers and ties.
Yoochun didn't laugh at his eagerness this time, he responded by pushing him down on the bed and kissing him senseless.
There was real love and passion and need, in everything from the way Yoochun looked at him and touched him to the way he said his name.
Jaejoong wanted to simply push his clothes out of the way, but Yoochun took the time to take everything off until they were both naked, hot and shivering with anticipation.
They kept eye contact while Yoochun pushed into him. It would be easy for Jaejoong to close his eyes and cover his face with his arm, or to throw his head back and simply lose himself in the pleasure, but his eyes locked onto Yoochun's and neither of them looked away.
Yoochun's mouth fell open and his hot breath ghosted over Jaejoong's chest with every thrust. At the same time the intensity in his eyes left Jaejoong breathless.
It lasted until Jaejoong was convinced he would drown in the pleasure. It would consume him and never let him go. Yoochun's fingers pushed into his hair, twisted and pulled. His vision blurred and the world seemed to turn upside down as he lost control over his body, cried out and came, harder than he had in a long time.
Yoochun kissed him and moaned into his mouth. His fingers lost their grip on his hair and after a few more thrusts, he slowly pulled out and rolled to the side.
"I love you," he said.
Jaejoong turned his head to look at him.
Yoochun looked back. When there was no reaction, he said: "And you love me, too. I know. I've always known, even when I thought I didn't."
Usually when you don't want a dream to end, you try to go back to sleep.
Only Jaejoong's dream would last as long as he managed to stay awake.
4
Jaejoong wrote letters to his sister, some of his friends and, after some deliberation, his parents. They weren't very lengthy, just simple goodbyes. He didn't have the emotional strength to go into much detail.
He still had to think of a place to put them so that Yoochun would eventually discover them, but not too soon. And he would also have to come up with a reason why he'd known that he was going to die, four days in advance. He didn't want to make anyone feel guilty about not noticing a suicidal tendency that he never actually developed.
He couldn't bring himself to write something for Yoochun.
He didn't want to take the form of a letter in Yoochun's life, a piece of paper that could be lost or forgotten, or worse, cause tears every time it was re-discovered and brought back memories.
All he wanted to be was a memory, a good one, and not attached to anything physical that Yoochun would have to carry with him and explain to people...to future partners.
Luckily there wasn't much stuff in their house that belonged exclusively to him, maybe his keyboard. He hoped Yoochun would sell it.
His keyboard reminded him of the last song he'd written but not yet recorded. Yoochun had called it beautiful and perfect. He didn't have time to rent professional recording equipment, but it would be better than a letter.
He finished it and managed to hide his tears before Yoochun came home and needed him to listen to complaints about rude guests and the coffee machine that was always broken.
The day ended too quickly.
3
"Can you ask a few days off?" Jaejoong finally dared to ask the question. He'd almost reached the point when he didn't care what Yoochun thought of his demands, he'd just make them.
"Why?"
"I really want to spend some time together, just us. It's been too long."
"I guess...if I offer to take on a few more night shifts, one or two days should be possible."
Jaejoong smiled and hugged him. "Thank you."
Naively, he expected that spending more time with Yoochun would make the days last longer.
This day was the shortest yet.
2
It was snowing outside and they watched a movie together, sharing a blanket and a bowl of popcorn on the couch. It was almost like a regular relaxed weekend together, almost.
"Jaejoong, please tell me what's wrong." Yoochun suddenly said.
When Yoochun called him by his name like that, it meant he was very serious. Jaejoong looked at him, confused about what had triggered this.
"What do you mean? ...nothing is wrong." Lying had never been so hard.
"No. You're hiding something from me. You have been for a while. I figured you just needed some time, so I waited. Since we started being honest and open to each other again, I expected you to finally tell me. You look...sad, and worried. And the strangest things make you cry. What's wrong?"
Jaejoong almost suggested waiting until the end of the movie, but he knew he couldn't keep postponing this moment forever.
"I...Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course," Yoochun furrowed his eyebrows. "Why even ask? Is it a very serious question?"
It is the most important question.
"If I disappear, no...if...if I die.. what would you do?"
Yoochun's frown deepened. "Now? Or when we're old?"
"Now."
Yoochun only needed a moment to think about that. "I would despair, obviously. It would feel like the world had ended. I don't know why you need me to say that. I'm pretty sure you know that."
Jaejoong didn't want to push further than this. It already hurt too much. But he had to.
"But you would be okay, in the end, right? You wouldn't do anything stupid. You would eventually get over me and go on with your life?"
Yoochun just looked at him for a while, searching his eyes for...something. "I guess...maybe. Why are you asking this?"
"I..." Jaejoong could say 'just because' and pretend to be fine again, but no, no he wouldn't. Not anymore.
The truth was still not an option. He didn't want to connect his death to their relationship. The last thing he wanted was to leave Yoochun feeling guilty, especially when he had no reason to. Jaejoong would have been dead for years already if it weren't for him.
So he would not tell the full truth, but something similar.
"For a while now I've had this...feeling that I'm going to die soon," he said. "Just...it's stronger than just a feeling, like...like a premonition?"
Yoochun didn't laugh or tell him he was exaggerating like most other people would. If possible, he looked even more serious than before.
"Have you been feeling ill lately? You were tired a lot." The worry was back.
"I'm fine. I don't always sleep long enough, but I am healthy. I know it probably doesn't make sense, but I really feel like-"
"Don't die," Yoochun said.
The rest of Jaejoong's sentence got stuck in his throat.
"Not for a long time. I don't allow it."
"You can't..." Jaejoong struggled to keep his voice even. "I'm not sure if your permission would change anything, if it's out of my control."
"But don't you feel it?" Yoochun said. "Feel like we're meant to be together? Because I do, and I need you."
Jaejoong didn't want this crushing guilt, the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. It was too much. All he wanted was to say goodbye.
Yoochun felt they were soulmates, whatever that meant, without being told. Yoochun was that sincere about him.
It had taken death for Jaejoong to realise what he had, but Yoochun had always known.
That made it unfair and incredibly cruel that Jaejoong would be the one to die for this punishment. If Yoochun knew what he had, he would definitely know what he'd lost. He would be in pain while Jaejoong presumably wouldn't feel anything at all.
"I'm sure you'll be fine," Yoochun said. "Do you remember the last time you thought you were going to die? You'd only broken your leg then."
1
When Angel said forty days, did that mean he would die when forty full days had passed, or on the fortieth day? Jaejoong didn't know. It was a terrible thing to be unsure about.
He also had no idea how it would happen. Angel had told him he was already dead, but something still had to change to take him out of this fake life. Would he get into another accident, or would his old injuries resurface? Or would Angel just sort of...turn off his mind?
Where would it happen, at what time, in which situation? Jaejoong turned all these questions into another prayer, but there was no voice in his head to provide the answers like he had hoped.
Yoochun had to work tonight. Tonight was mere hours away.
They went for a walk in the snow, which had become dirty and wet, followed by coffee and Yoochun's favourite carrot cake. Jaejoong bought ingredients for dinner on the way home. Halfway through shopping, he decided he would fill up the fridge.
Yoochun needed to eat when he was gone. He was a terrible cook. Jaejoong worried about this, but hopefully his mother would look after him.
Yoochun asked him why he bought so much. Jaejoong tried denying that it was more than usual, and they almost had a fight over that.
Jaejoong avoided it by quickly telling Yoochun that he was right, and that maybe he shouldn't have bought so much, but Yoochun shot him a suspicious look for that as well.
There were probably things you should want to do during what you assume is your final day on earth, but Jaejoong didn't have he energy to even think of any. He tried to not think of anything right now, which was far from easy, but by far the easiest.
Yoochun interrupted a session of 'staring at something and carefully trying not to think at all' by touching his cheek and pulling him out of his thoughts, or not-thoughts.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked.
"A new song," Jaejoong said. It was his new standard response.
Yoochun leaned in and gently pressed their lips together.
"I'm going to work. Go to bed early, you look like you need it."
Those were not the last words he wanted to hear Yoochun say to him. He didn't like fishing for compliments, but this was a situation that excused it.
"I know, I look terrible. I don't know what you see in me."
"You only look tired right now," Yoochun said. "Underneath, you're the most handsome man I've ever met."
Jaejoong smiled. "Thank you. I needed that."
Yoochun smiled back. "It's good to see you smile again. I've got more. What I see in you is that you're smart and talented, you know and understand me better than anyone else, and when you look at me like that, it still makes my heart beat faster. "
Jaejoong quickly wrapped his arms around Yoochun's waist and hugged him, so he could hide his face and had a moment to compose himself.
"Go. You'll be late," he said softly. Don't go. Please don't go.
Yoochun kissed him again before he left.
Jaejoong didn't want to be found dead in their apartment, especially not by Yoochun, so he went out.
The wind was icy and unkind, biting his face. The melted snow was freezing again, and very dirty. It was miserable weather for a miserable day, although he doubted a clear blue sky and sunshine would have made much difference to how he felt.
He was the most miserable he had ever been, but there was also a feeling of acceptance. He felt more calm than panicked. There was no reason to freak out. He was going to die either tonight or sometime tomorrow, and nothing he did would change that.
He walked around until he was too tired and too cold. It was mostly because he didn't want to fall asleep in the park that he decided today wasn't the day, unless he would die of exhaustion before he reached the apartment.
He went to bed and set his alarm so he would wake up just before Yoochun got home.
0
Yoochun's hand was cool, not cold, but not as warm as Jaejoong's skin and his spot under the duvet.
The hand was squeezing his shoulder. Jaejoong made a sound to indicate that he was awake, sort of.
"The alarm on your cellphone was ringing," Yoochun said. "Did you set it by accident, or did you want to get up early?"
Jaejoong was wide awake then. "You're back," he said.
It was dark in their bedroom, but he thought he saw Yoochun smile. "Yes, and tired." He pressed a kiss to Jaejoong's forehead. "Go back to sleep if you don't have anywhere to be."
Yoochun lay down in his own spot and almost immediately his breathing evened out. Jaejoong snuggled his way into his arms and inhaled his scent.
Yoochun briefly tightened his arms around him and then relaxed. It made Jaejoong feel warm and comfortable and safe, and today, that made him want to scream. It was unfair. Nothing was fair. Punishments were supposed to hurt, but not like this.
He stayed in Yoochun's embrace until he feared his crying would become too loud. He carefully shifted back to his own spot and stayed there until Yoochun was fast asleep again. And then a little longer, watching the outline of his hair against the grey background of daylight behind closed curtains, listening to his breathing and feeling the warmth of his body under the duvet.
He had to force himself to get up, get dressed and leave the room. He failed on the last one at first. He stood by the door for ten minutes or more until something, possibly Angel, told him that it was time.
Once outside, he didn't know where to go. He'd thought this plan through just as thoroughly as he did last night. His only motivation was that he didn't want Yoochun to find a dead body beside him.
He simply started walking. When he found himself waiting for a red light, it took him a while to realise how funny that was.
Why be careful? Out of habit, he supposed. And there was still a difference between waiting for unfortunate inevitable death and purposely walking into traffic. He crossed the road when the light turned green, but no car came to kill him.
He hadn't taken more than five steps on the other side when there was a short flash of pain and everything went dark.
He was floating again. The sensation had become familiar. He had to be in between again.
Angel was there. Jaejoong felt it. It was hard to miss that presence. But there was no voice, telling him how lucky or unlucky he was this time. Jaejoong already knew everything, there was no explaining to do.
Yet still Angel kept him here, instead of sending him on. There had to be something he wanted to hear from him.
"Thank you," Jaejoong said. He never expected that he would consider this the right thing to say, but it was. "I don't know if that was only a punishment or also a test of some sort, but I hope I didn't disappoint you any further, and I want to thank you."
The only response was silence. Angel's presence was there, and Jaejoong knew he was listening, but there was still no voice.
"Thank you, thank you for bringing me back to life the first time and giving me so much time with him. Thank you for the forty days. I know I didn't deserve it."
Finally, Angel spoke.
"Any last words?"
The voice sounded expectant, not annoyed or angry. Angel wasn't teasing him. It was a genuine question.
Jaejoong did have one request, a very important one.
"Yoochun doesn't deserve to be punished for damaging our relationship," he said, "because I'm pretty sure I played the biggest part in that. And he definitely doesn't deserve to be punished for my bad luck with traffic."
Angel had to agree with this. He had to.
"Please, if you hate broken love as much as I think you do, make him forget me. You've wiped my memory of you before. I'm sure you can do it."
There was only silence again, heavy, agonising silence.
"I don't care that I won't be remembered," Jaejoong said. "I beg you, don't let him suffer. Make him forget I ever existed."
He waited. He wished he could sense all of Angel's emotions, like he had felt his rage once.
Finally, the voice said: "I lost hope for a while that you would ever make me say this, but Yoochun is a lucky man to have met you."
Jaejoong didn't know if that was a yes or a no, but he didn't dare to ask. "He would do the same for me," he said.
"I don't doubt that."
And just like that Angel decided to end their conversation. Jaejoong could feel himself being pulled away from that strange dark place, moving on, away.
Jaejoong had expected a few things. Pain was one of them, but he hadn't expected this much of it. Dying hurt more than he thought it would, a lot more. He'd thought there would also be a bright light, and then nothing, but not this slow burning sensation, sharp jabs along his entire body and a crushing headache.
He thought he heard Yoochun's voice, more than once, calling for him from somewhere far away. Strangely enough the sound grew stronger over time, like Yoochun was moving towards him instead of disappearing into the distance.
Then the voice was suddenly gone, and there was just the pain, which came and went in waves. A strong burst of it reminded him of the existence of his body. He tried to move.
"You're okay," a soothing voice said, not Yoochun, but distinctly human. "The tube is helping you breathe, it feels weird, but try to relax. Can you hear me?"
He could, but he didn't know how to let them know. Maybe he had to use his body again. But he shouldn't have a body. He was dead.
"I'm giving you some more morphine," the voice said. "Don't worry. You're okay."
The voice faded away, followed by the pain.
"Can you hear me?" Yoochun's voice was back. "Jaejoong?"
His weak consciousness clung to that sound like a lifeline. Opening his eyes felt like an impossible task, but for Yoochun, Jaejoong could do anything.
Yoochun's eyes were wide, worried and expectant, and the first thing Jaejoong's mind registered when his blurry vision started to clear.
"Why are you here?" His throat felt like sandpaper.
Yoochun laughed, but at the same time there were tears rolling down his cheeks. "I brought you flowers."
None of this made any sense.
"Here," Yoochun held something against his lips, cold and wet, ice chips. Jaejoong let them melt on his tongue.
It made talking a little bit easier. "What happened?"
"You were on the sidewalk," Yoochun said, "but your injuries are from being hit by a car. Whoever did this to you went off the road, hit you and just drove off, they just left you there."
Jaejoong could sense Yoochun's anger like he had once sensed Angel's.
"The police are looking into it. They shouldn't get away with this. Do you remember anything about the car?"
Jaejoong remembered the face of the driver. He'd seen it weeks ago in front of the restaurant, when the man got out and asked him if he needed an ambulance.
That man had hit him hard enough to kill him instantly, but he was still alive, and the guy had stopped and offered help at the time, so Jaejoong didn't mind that the police would never track him down.
"Nothing," he said. "It happened so fast."
Yoochun nodded and sat back in his chair.
"It's so scary," he said after a while. "How you had a feeling you were going to die, and then you almost did."
"Yes," Jaejoong said, "scary."
Maybe he would tell Yoochun one day, maybe, in twenty years or so. Maybe Yoochun would even believe him.
"...do you still have that feeling?" Yoochun asked carefully.
Jaejoong tried to give him his most reassuring smile. There was no telling when he'd be unlucky and walk into traffic again, but he silently swore to be more careful than ever from now on. "No, I don't."
Yoochun returned his smile.
"How long was I out?" Jaejoong asked.
Yoochun's smile fell. "Three days. The doctors were really pessimistic on the first day, but then your later scans had them all excited, like there was some sort of miracle."
"Three days," Jaejoong repeated. Angel had told him that it wasn't easy to bring people back. Of course it wasn't. And in his case the injuries had been pushed back forty days and then cured. Angel was a god in Jaejoong eyes, even if he said he wasn't, a merciful god.
"I talked to mister Jung," Yoochun said suddenly. "I bothered his secretary until she put me through and I explained the situation and begged him to give you time. He said he'll consider it. We'll fight for this, Jae. You won't lose another job because of a stupid accident. Take all the time you need to recover and then you can still-"
Jaejoong shut him up by raising his hand. Yoochun took it with both of his.
"What do you need? Are you in pain?"
Jaejoong slowly shook his head.
"Thank you," he said. "for doing that for me. But it's okay if I don't make it this way. I can try again, or do something else."
He looked at their linked hands and back at Yoochun's face. "The only thing I need to survive is you."
Previous
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaejoong
Summary: One fatal accident leads Jaejoong to his soulmate, the next leaves him forty days to say goodbye. Or, in which Jaejoong dies twice and Yoochun saves him the first time.
6
Winter arrived in the form of pure white snow that covered the whole city overnight. The days didn't last very long for anyone in terms of sunlight, but Jaejoong's days seemed to have shortened more literally.
He tried not to think about the passing of time. He refused to look at clocks and wished the whole concept of days and hours and minutes away. It was a futile effort.
Yoochun bought him flowers today, the biggest most beautiful bouquet, and also a single red rose to make it even more romantic.
Flowers were Jaejoong's favourite gift. They were pretty and colourful, they reminded him of summer and they wouldn't end up forgotten in the back of a drawer or behind the couch. They also wouldn't break or get lost like jewellery, or used daily like kitchen tools until their identity as a precious gift was slowly forgotten.
Flowers wilted, which was sad, but such was life, and it had never made Jaejoong cry before. This time he cried, not only because he knew the flowers would die, but also because for the first time, he feared their beauty might actually outlive his.
"Are you okay?" Yoochun asked. He looked so worried, like he feared he'd done something wrong.
"Yes, of course." Jaejoong smiled. "I've just really missed getting flowers from you. Thank you. They're beautiful." He didn't want to think about how materialistic that made him seem. It was the only excuse he could come up with.
He had somehow managed to fix their relationship within twenty days. All that was left now was to say goodbye. He still had a few days for that. Everything was going according to plan, and no, he was not okay.
5
Jaejoong felt constantly tired. He didn't need Yoochun to point out that he looked it anymore. Today, there was also a headache that simply wouldn't go away, whatever he tried.
It was probably the obvious result of stress and not enough sleep. It seemed that being dead wasn't very good for his health. Either that, or the injuries that had killed him thirty-five days ago were slowly starting to re-appear.
But Angel had promised him forty days, and Jaejoong refused to spend the final five of those in bed with a splitting headache.
Angel wouldn't want that either, surely. Angel liked to see true love and happiness, and Angel had healed things worse than a headache in the past.
That was why Jaejoong decided to ask for help. He didn't know if it would work, he didn't even really know how, but anything was better than doing nothing.
He wasn't a very religious person, but he understood the concept of prayer, so he closed his eyes and focused, reaching out with his mind.
Angel, if you can hear me, please...please listen. I know you've already done more for me than I deserve, but I have a date with Yoochun tonight. Please, let me have that, let me enjoy it, without this exhaustion and pain.
He opened his eyes and waited. The apartment was empty, tidy and quiet. He could faintly hear someone move something on the floor above, but there was no actual sign of the presence of a supernatural being.
A second after he'd thought that, the headache was suddenly gone. Jaejoong stood up. He felt reenergised.
A feeling of gratitude covered him like a warm blanket. It was strangely comforting, this knowledge that there was someone keeping an eye on him, almost looking after him, someone who, clearly, wasn't all bad. He sent Angel a silent thank you.
The rest of the day was like a dream. The kind you wish would last forever.
Yoochun picked the restaurant. It wasn't The Blue Rose, but a place they had been before, a long time ago.
During dinner Jaejoong almost felt like this was only their second or third date.
They discussed things that had happened in the news lately, and the food, and then Yoochun would suddenly slip in a compliment about Jaejoong's hair and the conversation turned flirty.
Yoochun reached for him and they held hands above the table, like they where that kind of young couple who can't stand the absence of skin-to-skin contact.
While they waited for their dessert, they overheard some embarrassing stories from a woman sitting at the next table. She had taken her parents out to dinner and apparently made it her goal to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible. Yoochun's facial expressions in reaction to her intimate revelations kept making Jaejoong laugh.
Dinner didn't last long enough.
Because Yoochun wore suits every day at work, he usually dressed down for dates. Jaejoong loved it, just as much as he loved the suits, and an added bonus was that the blue sweater he wore today was a lot easier to get rid of than the usual buttoned layers and ties.
Yoochun didn't laugh at his eagerness this time, he responded by pushing him down on the bed and kissing him senseless.
There was real love and passion and need, in everything from the way Yoochun looked at him and touched him to the way he said his name.
Jaejoong wanted to simply push his clothes out of the way, but Yoochun took the time to take everything off until they were both naked, hot and shivering with anticipation.
They kept eye contact while Yoochun pushed into him. It would be easy for Jaejoong to close his eyes and cover his face with his arm, or to throw his head back and simply lose himself in the pleasure, but his eyes locked onto Yoochun's and neither of them looked away.
Yoochun's mouth fell open and his hot breath ghosted over Jaejoong's chest with every thrust. At the same time the intensity in his eyes left Jaejoong breathless.
It lasted until Jaejoong was convinced he would drown in the pleasure. It would consume him and never let him go. Yoochun's fingers pushed into his hair, twisted and pulled. His vision blurred and the world seemed to turn upside down as he lost control over his body, cried out and came, harder than he had in a long time.
Yoochun kissed him and moaned into his mouth. His fingers lost their grip on his hair and after a few more thrusts, he slowly pulled out and rolled to the side.
"I love you," he said.
Jaejoong turned his head to look at him.
Yoochun looked back. When there was no reaction, he said: "And you love me, too. I know. I've always known, even when I thought I didn't."
Usually when you don't want a dream to end, you try to go back to sleep.
Only Jaejoong's dream would last as long as he managed to stay awake.
4
Jaejoong wrote letters to his sister, some of his friends and, after some deliberation, his parents. They weren't very lengthy, just simple goodbyes. He didn't have the emotional strength to go into much detail.
He still had to think of a place to put them so that Yoochun would eventually discover them, but not too soon. And he would also have to come up with a reason why he'd known that he was going to die, four days in advance. He didn't want to make anyone feel guilty about not noticing a suicidal tendency that he never actually developed.
He couldn't bring himself to write something for Yoochun.
He didn't want to take the form of a letter in Yoochun's life, a piece of paper that could be lost or forgotten, or worse, cause tears every time it was re-discovered and brought back memories.
All he wanted to be was a memory, a good one, and not attached to anything physical that Yoochun would have to carry with him and explain to people...to future partners.
Luckily there wasn't much stuff in their house that belonged exclusively to him, maybe his keyboard. He hoped Yoochun would sell it.
His keyboard reminded him of the last song he'd written but not yet recorded. Yoochun had called it beautiful and perfect. He didn't have time to rent professional recording equipment, but it would be better than a letter.
He finished it and managed to hide his tears before Yoochun came home and needed him to listen to complaints about rude guests and the coffee machine that was always broken.
The day ended too quickly.
3
"Can you ask a few days off?" Jaejoong finally dared to ask the question. He'd almost reached the point when he didn't care what Yoochun thought of his demands, he'd just make them.
"Why?"
"I really want to spend some time together, just us. It's been too long."
"I guess...if I offer to take on a few more night shifts, one or two days should be possible."
Jaejoong smiled and hugged him. "Thank you."
Naively, he expected that spending more time with Yoochun would make the days last longer.
This day was the shortest yet.
2
It was snowing outside and they watched a movie together, sharing a blanket and a bowl of popcorn on the couch. It was almost like a regular relaxed weekend together, almost.
"Jaejoong, please tell me what's wrong." Yoochun suddenly said.
When Yoochun called him by his name like that, it meant he was very serious. Jaejoong looked at him, confused about what had triggered this.
"What do you mean? ...nothing is wrong." Lying had never been so hard.
"No. You're hiding something from me. You have been for a while. I figured you just needed some time, so I waited. Since we started being honest and open to each other again, I expected you to finally tell me. You look...sad, and worried. And the strangest things make you cry. What's wrong?"
Jaejoong almost suggested waiting until the end of the movie, but he knew he couldn't keep postponing this moment forever.
"I...Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course," Yoochun furrowed his eyebrows. "Why even ask? Is it a very serious question?"
It is the most important question.
"If I disappear, no...if...if I die.. what would you do?"
Yoochun's frown deepened. "Now? Or when we're old?"
"Now."
Yoochun only needed a moment to think about that. "I would despair, obviously. It would feel like the world had ended. I don't know why you need me to say that. I'm pretty sure you know that."
Jaejoong didn't want to push further than this. It already hurt too much. But he had to.
"But you would be okay, in the end, right? You wouldn't do anything stupid. You would eventually get over me and go on with your life?"
Yoochun just looked at him for a while, searching his eyes for...something. "I guess...maybe. Why are you asking this?"
"I..." Jaejoong could say 'just because' and pretend to be fine again, but no, no he wouldn't. Not anymore.
The truth was still not an option. He didn't want to connect his death to their relationship. The last thing he wanted was to leave Yoochun feeling guilty, especially when he had no reason to. Jaejoong would have been dead for years already if it weren't for him.
So he would not tell the full truth, but something similar.
"For a while now I've had this...feeling that I'm going to die soon," he said. "Just...it's stronger than just a feeling, like...like a premonition?"
Yoochun didn't laugh or tell him he was exaggerating like most other people would. If possible, he looked even more serious than before.
"Have you been feeling ill lately? You were tired a lot." The worry was back.
"I'm fine. I don't always sleep long enough, but I am healthy. I know it probably doesn't make sense, but I really feel like-"
"Don't die," Yoochun said.
The rest of Jaejoong's sentence got stuck in his throat.
"Not for a long time. I don't allow it."
"You can't..." Jaejoong struggled to keep his voice even. "I'm not sure if your permission would change anything, if it's out of my control."
"But don't you feel it?" Yoochun said. "Feel like we're meant to be together? Because I do, and I need you."
Jaejoong didn't want this crushing guilt, the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. It was too much. All he wanted was to say goodbye.
Yoochun felt they were soulmates, whatever that meant, without being told. Yoochun was that sincere about him.
It had taken death for Jaejoong to realise what he had, but Yoochun had always known.
That made it unfair and incredibly cruel that Jaejoong would be the one to die for this punishment. If Yoochun knew what he had, he would definitely know what he'd lost. He would be in pain while Jaejoong presumably wouldn't feel anything at all.
"I'm sure you'll be fine," Yoochun said. "Do you remember the last time you thought you were going to die? You'd only broken your leg then."
1
When Angel said forty days, did that mean he would die when forty full days had passed, or on the fortieth day? Jaejoong didn't know. It was a terrible thing to be unsure about.
He also had no idea how it would happen. Angel had told him he was already dead, but something still had to change to take him out of this fake life. Would he get into another accident, or would his old injuries resurface? Or would Angel just sort of...turn off his mind?
Where would it happen, at what time, in which situation? Jaejoong turned all these questions into another prayer, but there was no voice in his head to provide the answers like he had hoped.
Yoochun had to work tonight. Tonight was mere hours away.
They went for a walk in the snow, which had become dirty and wet, followed by coffee and Yoochun's favourite carrot cake. Jaejoong bought ingredients for dinner on the way home. Halfway through shopping, he decided he would fill up the fridge.
Yoochun needed to eat when he was gone. He was a terrible cook. Jaejoong worried about this, but hopefully his mother would look after him.
Yoochun asked him why he bought so much. Jaejoong tried denying that it was more than usual, and they almost had a fight over that.
Jaejoong avoided it by quickly telling Yoochun that he was right, and that maybe he shouldn't have bought so much, but Yoochun shot him a suspicious look for that as well.
There were probably things you should want to do during what you assume is your final day on earth, but Jaejoong didn't have he energy to even think of any. He tried to not think of anything right now, which was far from easy, but by far the easiest.
Yoochun interrupted a session of 'staring at something and carefully trying not to think at all' by touching his cheek and pulling him out of his thoughts, or not-thoughts.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked.
"A new song," Jaejoong said. It was his new standard response.
Yoochun leaned in and gently pressed their lips together.
"I'm going to work. Go to bed early, you look like you need it."
Those were not the last words he wanted to hear Yoochun say to him. He didn't like fishing for compliments, but this was a situation that excused it.
"I know, I look terrible. I don't know what you see in me."
"You only look tired right now," Yoochun said. "Underneath, you're the most handsome man I've ever met."
Jaejoong smiled. "Thank you. I needed that."
Yoochun smiled back. "It's good to see you smile again. I've got more. What I see in you is that you're smart and talented, you know and understand me better than anyone else, and when you look at me like that, it still makes my heart beat faster. "
Jaejoong quickly wrapped his arms around Yoochun's waist and hugged him, so he could hide his face and had a moment to compose himself.
"Go. You'll be late," he said softly. Don't go. Please don't go.
Yoochun kissed him again before he left.
Jaejoong didn't want to be found dead in their apartment, especially not by Yoochun, so he went out.
The wind was icy and unkind, biting his face. The melted snow was freezing again, and very dirty. It was miserable weather for a miserable day, although he doubted a clear blue sky and sunshine would have made much difference to how he felt.
He was the most miserable he had ever been, but there was also a feeling of acceptance. He felt more calm than panicked. There was no reason to freak out. He was going to die either tonight or sometime tomorrow, and nothing he did would change that.
He walked around until he was too tired and too cold. It was mostly because he didn't want to fall asleep in the park that he decided today wasn't the day, unless he would die of exhaustion before he reached the apartment.
He went to bed and set his alarm so he would wake up just before Yoochun got home.
0
Yoochun's hand was cool, not cold, but not as warm as Jaejoong's skin and his spot under the duvet.
The hand was squeezing his shoulder. Jaejoong made a sound to indicate that he was awake, sort of.
"The alarm on your cellphone was ringing," Yoochun said. "Did you set it by accident, or did you want to get up early?"
Jaejoong was wide awake then. "You're back," he said.
It was dark in their bedroom, but he thought he saw Yoochun smile. "Yes, and tired." He pressed a kiss to Jaejoong's forehead. "Go back to sleep if you don't have anywhere to be."
Yoochun lay down in his own spot and almost immediately his breathing evened out. Jaejoong snuggled his way into his arms and inhaled his scent.
Yoochun briefly tightened his arms around him and then relaxed. It made Jaejoong feel warm and comfortable and safe, and today, that made him want to scream. It was unfair. Nothing was fair. Punishments were supposed to hurt, but not like this.
He stayed in Yoochun's embrace until he feared his crying would become too loud. He carefully shifted back to his own spot and stayed there until Yoochun was fast asleep again. And then a little longer, watching the outline of his hair against the grey background of daylight behind closed curtains, listening to his breathing and feeling the warmth of his body under the duvet.
He had to force himself to get up, get dressed and leave the room. He failed on the last one at first. He stood by the door for ten minutes or more until something, possibly Angel, told him that it was time.
Once outside, he didn't know where to go. He'd thought this plan through just as thoroughly as he did last night. His only motivation was that he didn't want Yoochun to find a dead body beside him.
He simply started walking. When he found himself waiting for a red light, it took him a while to realise how funny that was.
Why be careful? Out of habit, he supposed. And there was still a difference between waiting for unfortunate inevitable death and purposely walking into traffic. He crossed the road when the light turned green, but no car came to kill him.
He hadn't taken more than five steps on the other side when there was a short flash of pain and everything went dark.
He was floating again. The sensation had become familiar. He had to be in between again.
Angel was there. Jaejoong felt it. It was hard to miss that presence. But there was no voice, telling him how lucky or unlucky he was this time. Jaejoong already knew everything, there was no explaining to do.
Yet still Angel kept him here, instead of sending him on. There had to be something he wanted to hear from him.
"Thank you," Jaejoong said. He never expected that he would consider this the right thing to say, but it was. "I don't know if that was only a punishment or also a test of some sort, but I hope I didn't disappoint you any further, and I want to thank you."
The only response was silence. Angel's presence was there, and Jaejoong knew he was listening, but there was still no voice.
"Thank you, thank you for bringing me back to life the first time and giving me so much time with him. Thank you for the forty days. I know I didn't deserve it."
Finally, Angel spoke.
"Any last words?"
The voice sounded expectant, not annoyed or angry. Angel wasn't teasing him. It was a genuine question.
Jaejoong did have one request, a very important one.
"Yoochun doesn't deserve to be punished for damaging our relationship," he said, "because I'm pretty sure I played the biggest part in that. And he definitely doesn't deserve to be punished for my bad luck with traffic."
Angel had to agree with this. He had to.
"Please, if you hate broken love as much as I think you do, make him forget me. You've wiped my memory of you before. I'm sure you can do it."
There was only silence again, heavy, agonising silence.
"I don't care that I won't be remembered," Jaejoong said. "I beg you, don't let him suffer. Make him forget I ever existed."
He waited. He wished he could sense all of Angel's emotions, like he had felt his rage once.
Finally, the voice said: "I lost hope for a while that you would ever make me say this, but Yoochun is a lucky man to have met you."
Jaejoong didn't know if that was a yes or a no, but he didn't dare to ask. "He would do the same for me," he said.
"I don't doubt that."
And just like that Angel decided to end their conversation. Jaejoong could feel himself being pulled away from that strange dark place, moving on, away.
Jaejoong had expected a few things. Pain was one of them, but he hadn't expected this much of it. Dying hurt more than he thought it would, a lot more. He'd thought there would also be a bright light, and then nothing, but not this slow burning sensation, sharp jabs along his entire body and a crushing headache.
He thought he heard Yoochun's voice, more than once, calling for him from somewhere far away. Strangely enough the sound grew stronger over time, like Yoochun was moving towards him instead of disappearing into the distance.
Then the voice was suddenly gone, and there was just the pain, which came and went in waves. A strong burst of it reminded him of the existence of his body. He tried to move.
"You're okay," a soothing voice said, not Yoochun, but distinctly human. "The tube is helping you breathe, it feels weird, but try to relax. Can you hear me?"
He could, but he didn't know how to let them know. Maybe he had to use his body again. But he shouldn't have a body. He was dead.
"I'm giving you some more morphine," the voice said. "Don't worry. You're okay."
The voice faded away, followed by the pain.
"Can you hear me?" Yoochun's voice was back. "Jaejoong?"
His weak consciousness clung to that sound like a lifeline. Opening his eyes felt like an impossible task, but for Yoochun, Jaejoong could do anything.
Yoochun's eyes were wide, worried and expectant, and the first thing Jaejoong's mind registered when his blurry vision started to clear.
"Why are you here?" His throat felt like sandpaper.
Yoochun laughed, but at the same time there were tears rolling down his cheeks. "I brought you flowers."
None of this made any sense.
"Here," Yoochun held something against his lips, cold and wet, ice chips. Jaejoong let them melt on his tongue.
It made talking a little bit easier. "What happened?"
"You were on the sidewalk," Yoochun said, "but your injuries are from being hit by a car. Whoever did this to you went off the road, hit you and just drove off, they just left you there."
Jaejoong could sense Yoochun's anger like he had once sensed Angel's.
"The police are looking into it. They shouldn't get away with this. Do you remember anything about the car?"
Jaejoong remembered the face of the driver. He'd seen it weeks ago in front of the restaurant, when the man got out and asked him if he needed an ambulance.
That man had hit him hard enough to kill him instantly, but he was still alive, and the guy had stopped and offered help at the time, so Jaejoong didn't mind that the police would never track him down.
"Nothing," he said. "It happened so fast."
Yoochun nodded and sat back in his chair.
"It's so scary," he said after a while. "How you had a feeling you were going to die, and then you almost did."
"Yes," Jaejoong said, "scary."
Maybe he would tell Yoochun one day, maybe, in twenty years or so. Maybe Yoochun would even believe him.
"...do you still have that feeling?" Yoochun asked carefully.
Jaejoong tried to give him his most reassuring smile. There was no telling when he'd be unlucky and walk into traffic again, but he silently swore to be more careful than ever from now on. "No, I don't."
Yoochun returned his smile.
"How long was I out?" Jaejoong asked.
Yoochun's smile fell. "Three days. The doctors were really pessimistic on the first day, but then your later scans had them all excited, like there was some sort of miracle."
"Three days," Jaejoong repeated. Angel had told him that it wasn't easy to bring people back. Of course it wasn't. And in his case the injuries had been pushed back forty days and then cured. Angel was a god in Jaejoong eyes, even if he said he wasn't, a merciful god.
"I talked to mister Jung," Yoochun said suddenly. "I bothered his secretary until she put me through and I explained the situation and begged him to give you time. He said he'll consider it. We'll fight for this, Jae. You won't lose another job because of a stupid accident. Take all the time you need to recover and then you can still-"
Jaejoong shut him up by raising his hand. Yoochun took it with both of his.
"What do you need? Are you in pain?"
Jaejoong slowly shook his head.
"Thank you," he said. "for doing that for me. But it's okay if I don't make it this way. I can try again, or do something else."
He looked at their linked hands and back at Yoochun's face. "The only thing I need to survive is you."
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