Lifeline 3/5
Title: Lifeline
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaejoong
Summary: One fatal accident leads Jaejoong to his soulmate, the next leaves him forty days to say goodbye. Or, in which Jaejoong dies twice and Yoochun saves him the first time.
24
"I'm thinking about inviting your family over for dinner."
Jaejoong sat down on the couch, where Yoochun had been watching TV, and turned his head to watch his reaction.
Yoochun looked at him as if he'd said that in an unknown foreign language. Otherwise he didn't react.
Jaejoong could probably pretend that Yoochun had misheard him, but it had taken a lot of determination to bring up this issue. He wasn't backing out now.
"I know how much they mean to you. You used to beg me to try to get close to them all the time."
"Yes," Yoochun said, slowly. "But you always ignored that. You don't like my mother. And she hates you." He said it like he it couldn't possibly be true that Jaejoong had changed his mind about this.
Jaejoong winced. He knew how much Yoochun loved his mother, how highly he valued her opinion. It was a miracle he hadn't left him because of her, really. "Yes, we have our differences, but I think we should...try to talk."
"Are you sure?" Yoochun was still giving him that suspicious look.
"Yes," Jaejoong said. "Yes, I just told you, yes."
Yoochun looked into his eyes for a while, then he smiled widely, leaned over and kissed him. "Thank you," he said. "That means a lot to me." The sincerely grateful, relieved tone in his voice made this worth it, even if the hard part was yet to come.
"When shall we do this?" Jaejoong asked. "I want to prepare the food myself, but our apartment is a bit small, so I asked Joongki if we can use a table at the restaurant and he said he'll let me use the kitchen."
"Really?" Yoochun said. "That sounds amazing."
"And scary, because my food would have to be good enough to fit in that setting. It would have to be on a day when the restaurant isn't too full. Monday next week? That's in five days."
"Oh, I'll still be in Okinawa then," Yoochun said.
"...Okinawa?"
"Yes, at that team building thing in our hotel there. I'm leaving in two days. I've told you about that, haven't I?"
Jaejoong went very still, dread settling in his stomach.
"How long?" he asked quietly.
"Only a week, too short really." Yoochun frowned. "Have I really not told you? I'm sorry, Jae, I thought I had."
Jaejoong wasn't mad at him. He knew he had the right to be, because going to Japan for a week is something you should discuss with your partner, especially when you live together. But he wasn't mad, he was horrified. A whole week, seven days, seven long days.
He knew that he'd already wasted double that time himself, but he'd vowed to make up for that as best as he could, and now Yoochun was taking another week from him.
"Please don't go."
Yoochun looked confused. "Why not? It will be a good experience. We'll also learn about working with foreign guests. And they're spoiling us by letting us do this abroad. I've been looking forward to this ever since it was announced."
But I'm dead. If only Yoochun knew. It would be the perfect card to play in situations like this one.
Jaejoong knew he didn't really want to take this away from him. Yoochun worked so hard and his job could be exhausting. He deserved to do something fun, and it would only be a week. But...
You can go to Okinawa another time, but I'll be gone soon.
"Can I come with you?"
Yoochun laughed. "I knew you'd be jealous. But I'll be busy most of the time. It won't just be a fun holiday. We could go there together some day, although tickets are pretty expensive."
Jaejoong couldn't care less about the price of tickets, although he wasn't sure how to justify his sudden excessive spending to Yoochun. But Yoochun was right, if he went there for work, Jaejoong would just get in his way. It would be better to wait at home.
"How about the Monday after I'm back?" Yoochun suddenly said.
"What?"
"For the dinner." Yoochun smiled. "I'll contact my mother and Yoohwan."
"Right," Jaejoong says. "Yes, that sounds good."
23
"I'm almost done, just go to bed without me...what is this?" Yoochun looked away from his half-packed suitcase and stared at the box.
"A gift." Jaejoong held it out until Yoochun took it.
"I thought I was supposed to bring you home a gift from my trip, isn't that how it usually works?"
"I'm giving you something to remember me by while you're surrounded by cute men from all around the world," Jaejoong explained.
Yoochun opened the box and stared. Jaejoong would have bought him the most expensive watch in the store, but decided that was a bit much, so he'd opted for the second most expensive.
Yoochun looked at him, baffled. "Why?"
"Just to thank you for supporting me in everything I do, and because you complained about your old watch falling apart. I bought it with my own money, don't think I used yours."
"Thank you," Yoochun said. "I...I still don't understand what I've done to deserve this, but thank you."
"What time does your plane leave?" Jaejoong asked.
"Early, really early. You don't have to take me to the airport."
"What if I want to?"
"It's just a week. Will you really miss me that much?"
Jaejoong had a sudden thought. "Will Junsu be there, too?"
"Yes," Yoochun said, "why?"
"Just curious."
Yoochun didn't even ask if he was jealous, or reassured him that he didn't need to be, he just shrugged and turned around.
"I'll miss you," Jaejoong said. "Think of me?"
"Of course," Yoochun said. He put the watch down and went back to his suitcase. He hadn't said it like he didn't mean it exactly, but also not like he'd really given much thought to that response.
Jaejoong decided that a deeper problem in their relationship lay there. They exchanged I love you's and other sweet words but they had, somewhere along the way, forgotten the real meaning of those things.
When Jaejoong said he would miss Yoochun now, he knew he really would.
22
Yoochun got up early in the morning.
Jaejoong wouldn't follow him to the airport, but only because he knew he'd inevitably act like a desperately dependent boyfriend in front of Yoochun's colleagues and embarrass him. Yoochun returned to the bed when he was showered and fully dressed to kiss him goodbye.
The moment he heard the door close, Jaejoong started crying. He'd choked up on multiple occasions before, but these were the first tears he allowed to fall since he'd died.
It was the start of a proper breakdown.
He thought he'd coped surprisingly well up to this point. But Yoochun was gone now, the reason he was here was gone.
Without Yoochun to focus on and their relationship to worry about, so many new different thoughts about dying suddenly occurred to him. Without his job at the restaurant, his only distraction was his music, and the only thing he could bring himself to sing about was sadness and loss.
Everything he looked at; trees, the sun, kitchen utensils, made him want to cry and laugh at the same time. Everything was beautiful and everything was terrible. He'd never see, touch, smell and hear these things again. It didn't matter if something was good or bad, just the thought of not being able to experience it ever again was enough to make him miss it already. The only thing he was convinced he wouldn't miss was cars.
The first day he walked around the city and just experienced life, observed and absorbed everything until it became too much. He also thought about all the people who had ever been important to him.
He should probably meet his current friends one last time. But everybody was so busy with their jobs and their families that they usually only came together at parties and other special occasions. They would be confused by Jaejoong calling them out.
And what would they talk about? Jaejoong wanted to remember them the way he had last seen them, when they casually told him 'see you next time'. The last thing he wanted to do was sit people down in awkward goodbye-sessions.
The following two days he hardly left the bed. He carried his keyboard to Yoochun's empty spot and played sad melodies that he forgot immediately because he didn't write anything down. A text from Yoochun reminded him that he hadn't eaten yet.
The fourth day he browsed the internet for people who may have gone through the same thing he did.
He found a whole forum of stories by lunatics who believed they were angels, or immortal, and didn't bother with such earthly things as correct spelling and grammar. There were near-death experiences, and people who claimed they'd seen ghosts, lots of those.
But no one mentioned having a conversation with a supernatural being called Angel and coming back to life to spend time with their soulmate.
Maybe they had, Jaejoong thought, but their memories of it had been wiped, like his were the first time. Maybe no one had ever screwed up as badly before. Maybe this knowledge was part of his punishment.
Everything was a punishment, every single day. Only Yoochun could make him forget, feel happy and feel like it was worth it. And Yoochun wasn't here.
Jaejoong wondered if it was bad to depend so much on another person, unhealthy. Probably. He should want to live for himself, not someone else.
He didn't know anything about soulmates. He didn't think anyone except Angel could really tell him what the word meant. Is a soulmate someone you can't live without, or just someone worth living for?
Then he wondered what he would do if someone offered him the choice between this and a long and healthy life without Yoochun.
However hard he tried to imagine being happy in a different life, he couldn't. Everything he imagined seemed bleak and soulless without Yoochun by his side. Maybe Angel was right and what they had was the best kind of love.
Maybe that was a good song idea.
15
Jaejoong arrived at the airport just in time to see Junsu leave. He saw him smile and wave at Yoochun and say something like: "see you tomorrow!"
He hoped this didn't mean Junsu had stayed longer than the others to keep Yoochun company as he waited.
"Sorry," he said when he was finally within hearing distance. "I was writing and forgot the time. When did you arrive?"
Yoochun let go of his suitcase and stepped close. He looked happy and relaxed. And he smelled really good for someone who'd just stepped out of a plane. But his smile suddenly disappeared.
"You didn't tell me you were sick. You could have waited for me at home," he said. The amount of concern in his voice took Jaejoong by surprise.
"I'm not sick."
Yoochun touched his forehead, then his cheek. "You look like you've lost weight, you're so pale. Have you slept at all last night?"
It warmed Jaejoong's heart that Yoochun still cared about him, as annoying as it was to be treated like a child. "I'm fine," he lied. "I guess I must have missed you a lot," he added jokingly. The truth of that hurt, especially when Yoochun really took it as a joke and smiled again.
"I missed you too," he said, but still smiling.
Jaejoong wanted to cling to him, to hug him and never let go. He didn't want him to go to work again tomorrow. He wanted to beg him to take two weeks off. But that might confuse and annoy him, it might lead to a fight. That was the last thing Jaejoong wanted to do.
So he would have to smile and pretend everything was fine.
Yoochun had brought back so many gifts for him that Jaejoong suspected he was trying to compensate for the watch. It didn't matter. He knew it was impossible to buy love. If he only put money in, he'd only get money back, in some shape or form.
After dinner, Yoochun dropped down onto their bed and sighed happily. "No place like home," he said. He held out his arms. "Come here. You look like you can use some sleep as well."
Jaejoong stepped out of his jeans, turned off the lights and climbed over him. Yoochun pulled him close and kissed his cheek. He lazily pulled on the duvet until they were somewhat covered by it and hummed in contentment. "I like that we're not fighting as much as before," he said, apparently ignoring the fact that they had just been apart for a week and didn't really have the opportunity. Maybe he meant the period before that. "I've missed cuddling."
Jaejoong smiled and relaxed. He had high hopes he'd finally sleep through a whole night again.
14
Jaejoong didn't really want to ask, but they'd just enjoyed a home-cooked breakfast together, Yoochun was in a good mood and there was still more than an hour before he had to go to work.
"So the hotel was amazing and the weather was good, but how was the company?"
Yoochun shrugged. "Good. That's kind of the point with team building, getting to know each other better and growing closer."
"...how was Junsu?"
Yoochun smiled at him over the newspaper he was reading on his tablet. "Are you jealous?"
It was Jaejoong's time to shrug. "He's cute, nice ass."
"It almost sounds like you want me to leave you for someone else."
"Of course I don't," Jaejoong said quietly.
Maybe he did, just because it would be better for Yoochun. He would need someone so he wouldn't be alone. Yoochun hated being alone, even if he never admitted it.
The idea of Yoochun seeking consolation in Junsu's arms made Jaejoong's heart clench painfully. But he was dead, so what right did he have to complain?
"Junsu is just a colleague," Yoochun said. "Are you getting back at me for interrogating you about Jangmi?"
That memory hurt. "I was just asking," Jaejoong said. He did realise that he was the one who kept bringing up this topic. Yoochun hadn't mentioned Junsu once. But that didn't give him the right to compare this to Jangmi.
"I trust you more than that," Jaejoong said. He stood up, said something about the washing machine being ready and left before he could worsen Yoochun's or his own mood even further.
Avoiding conflict was something he'd never had the patience for before dying put everything into perspective.
12
Jaejoong had spent two days deciding on a menu and trying out several recipes. He knew the food wouldn't get Yoochun's mother to like him, but that didn't mean it shouldn't be perfect.
Joongki very kindly set a table aside for them in a quiet corner of the restaurant. It was the closest thing to a private room they could get.
Maybe Joongki thought he could persuade Jaejoong to take his job back like this. Last week he had grudgingly admitted that he missed him. And while Jaejoong seriously doubted that there wasn't an equally skilled, equally motivated waiter to be found anywhere in town, he still felt flattered.
He would be missed at least. It was one of the things he'd started thinking about lately. Yoochun would also miss him, he didn't doubt that, although he wasn't sure for how long. But he wasn't so sure about his parents or anyone else. His sister, maybe. Although after his previous accident she had forgiven him for almost dying a great deal earlier than she had forgiven him for wrecking her car, if she even had forgiven him yet.
He was pretty sure that Yoochun's mother would be almost glad to see him gone. She started glaring the moment he offered to take her coat. She loosened up a bit when he presented the expensive bottle of wine he'd selected for tonight, but only a little.
Yoochun was oblivious to this, happily chatting away with his younger brother about what was happening in their lives, while Jaejoong was being glared at. He was glad he could excuse himself to go get their food.
The questioning started the moment he came back with the first course.
"Yoochun has told me that you want to be a singer, but you're working as a waiter right now."
Jaejoong was grateful that Yoochun hadn't told her that he wasn't working at all at the moment. He nodded. "That's right."
"And you've been spending his money on singing classes?"
"Mom," Yoochun said. "That's not true, and can we please stop talking about money?"
"I used the money I earned here on classes, both singing and composing, and I regret not being able to contribute more to the rent than I do, but I hope my cooking and cleaning makes up for it somehow," Jaejoong said calmly.
She didn't seem satisfied with that answer, but she decided to change her line of attack. "Right. I understand that you work here, but can't you just sit down and eat with us? Surely you could have invited us on a day you didn't have to serve."
Yoochun wanted to say something again, but Jaejoong shot him a look begging him to stay out of it. He could defend himself, and Yoochun taking his side would only make matters worse.
"I wanted to cook for you myself tonight, that's why there's no menu. I've made most of the preparations this afternoon, so I won't be in the kitchen long, but I had thought you wouldn't mind spending some time alone with your sons."
He'd said the right thing. Yoochun's mother despised him for 'stealing' Yoochun from her, which was why she had never invited him to her house. The appreciation didn't show in her voice as she said: "Let's see what you've prepared for us then," but Jaejoong had definitely seen it on her face.
He did understand her. Yoochun's mother wasn't a mean woman, she was just very protective of her sons. Yoochun's father hadn't been a good match for her, she'd suffered for it, and she only wanted the best for her children.
For Yoochun she obviously wanted someone, preferably a woman, with a stable income, who would stand by his side and never hurt him.
Jaejoong was the opposite of those things. If only she knew that he was about to leave her son behind. She'd shorten the days he had left to zero right now.
She hadn't always been opposed to their relationship. She had been annoyed by the fact that he was a man from the beginning, but she'd also seen how much Yoochun liked him. She'd been willing to give him a chance. She changed her mind when he didn't try to find a 'real' new job.
It had gone downhill from there, and Jaejoong had to admit he'd dealt very poorly with her negativity. He could have tried to show her that he truly loved Yoochun, that, however messed up his life became, he'd never want to drag him down with him. He just couldn't be bothered to put in the effort.
His relationship with his own parents had never been very good, and when he came out as gay, they simply cast him out. He'd survived that, learned to be happy without the support of his family, and he was proud of this achievement simply because of how hard it had been to get here.
He didn't want to deal with another mother who couldn't accept him for who he was, and he'd sometimes even thought of Yoochun as weak because he did need her in his life.
He'd always known those thoughts were really caused by some kind of jealousy. He didn't have to be dead to figure that out. And he'd never really acted on them, because he knew this, and because he respected Yoochun. But he'd also never acted against them.
He'd kept his distance from Yoochun's mother, ignored her complaints and also Yoochun's pleas to talk to her about them. He could have done better there.
He felt a burst of pride when he served the main course and even she had to admit it looked and smelled amazing, and she noticed that he'd asked Yoochun and used some of her favourite ingredients.
"So, Jaejoong," she said. There was no malicious tone in her voice when she said his name. Perhaps it was the wine. "I never asked you how your career in singing is coming along."
Jaejoong sensed some genuine interest, rather than worry over her son's finances, and smiled.
"There are a few auditions coming up," he said. "I really hope to get a spot as a background singer for a broadcasting company. That doesn't sound like much, but some people have found their way to fame as a solo artist like that, and even if I never will, it would be a decent job."
She nodded, not very enthusiastically, but she didn't immediately criticise that plan. Yoochun gave him an encouraging nod.
"Or," Jaejoong continued, "I could try to sell the songs I've written. I've been working on a few new ones recently, some that even Yoochun hasn't heard yet. Would you like to hear one of them?"
His heart instantly sped up and his throat went dry. He hadn't meant to pose that as a question. Stupid politeness.
Jaejoong tried to keep a straight face and shot Yoochun a hopeful smile. What if she refused? She could just say 'no, thank you' and he could hardly tell her he'd planned the entire evening around this moment.
She seemed surprised, but not unpleasantly. "Sure," she said. "I'm curious."
"Me too," Yoohwan added.
Jaejoong avoided Yoochun's questioning gaze. He needed to calm his nerves as soon as possible, pretend this was just another performance, even though he knew it wasn't.
There was no stage, but Jaejoong had installed his keyboard and a microphone in a corner, with permission from Joongki, and connected them to the speakers. The entire restaurant would be listening. There weren't a lot of people there this evening, but it was still less private than he would have liked.
Maybe this was a mistake. He'd written this song for Yoochun. It was their song, and it would probably be better if he performed it only for him, at least the first time.
Jaejoong didn't want to think that this might be the last time he got to perform at all.
But there was no way back now. He didn't want to sing anything else. He sat down behind his keyboard, tested the mike, and dedicated the song to Yoochun.
He briefly met Yoochun's eyes. They were surprised and curious, and so beautiful. Jaejoong wanted to look into them from up close and drown in their depths. He wanted Yoochun to look at him and completely open up to him like he had in the past, and then kiss him.
He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and sang.
He poured his heart and everything he had into the song. He'd written this when everything around him was at it's most beautiful and terrible at the same time. He'd written it when he missed Yoochun so much it physically hurt, and when all the good memories of their relationship flashed before his eyes like they should have the moment he died, if that hadn't happened so fast.
He didn't know if the lyrics made sense to anyone who didn't know this, but he wanted to deliver the emotions as best as he could.
He really had to focus on his breathing near the end, to keep going instead of choking up. Tears welled up behind his closed eyelids, but he would't allow them to fall. He wanted to look at Yoochun, see his reaction, but then he would surely cry.
There was complete silence when he finished. Jaejoong had never heard the restaurant this quiet. Even before it opened someone would be moving something in the kitchen. He lifted his hands from the keyboard, willed his tears away, and slowly looked up.
Suddenly people were cheering and clapping and asking for more, but the sound was pushed to the background when he focused on Yoochun.
Yoochun was looking at him, very intently.
A body blocked his view. Jaejoong blinked and looked up.
"You should have told me you could actually sing before you quit," Joongki said. "I would have set something up if you wanted a place to perform."
"I'm sorry." Jaejoong used the moment Joongki blocked him from Yoochun's view to dry his eyes with his sleeve. "And thank you, but I've already found something."
Apparently he'd missed another chance here. Had he actually done anything right in his life?
"That's great," Joongki said. "I'm sure you'll go far with that talent." He seemed so genuinely happy for him that Jaejoong wished he hadn't lied.
He made his way back to the table without taking his eyes off the floor.
When he sat down next to Yoochun, Yoohwan was the one to break the silence.
"You got so emotional," he said, with pure awe in his voice. "You must really love my brother."
Jaejoong didn't know what to say to that. He started when Yoochun took his hand under the table. "A watch, a dinner and now a song...is it my birthday?" he asked, softly, like he hadn't heard his brother and wasn't bothered by his mother's silence, like they were the only people at the table.
Jaejoong turned his head and looked at him. Yoochun looked back with a gentle and loving expression on his face.
Jaejoong felt like he could finally breathe again. "Did you like it?"
"I liked the part about being in your heart forever," Yoochun said, "even if it's a little cliche. But it also sounded like you were singing about regret and letting go. Does a love song have to have a sad edge to be taken seriously?"
Jaejoong's throat closed up, but he still managed: "I'll change it."
Yoochun shook his head and squeezed his hand. "Don't. It was beautiful. It was perfect."
NEXT
Previous
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaejoong
Summary: One fatal accident leads Jaejoong to his soulmate, the next leaves him forty days to say goodbye. Or, in which Jaejoong dies twice and Yoochun saves him the first time.
24
"I'm thinking about inviting your family over for dinner."
Jaejoong sat down on the couch, where Yoochun had been watching TV, and turned his head to watch his reaction.
Yoochun looked at him as if he'd said that in an unknown foreign language. Otherwise he didn't react.
Jaejoong could probably pretend that Yoochun had misheard him, but it had taken a lot of determination to bring up this issue. He wasn't backing out now.
"I know how much they mean to you. You used to beg me to try to get close to them all the time."
"Yes," Yoochun said, slowly. "But you always ignored that. You don't like my mother. And she hates you." He said it like he it couldn't possibly be true that Jaejoong had changed his mind about this.
Jaejoong winced. He knew how much Yoochun loved his mother, how highly he valued her opinion. It was a miracle he hadn't left him because of her, really. "Yes, we have our differences, but I think we should...try to talk."
"Are you sure?" Yoochun was still giving him that suspicious look.
"Yes," Jaejoong said. "Yes, I just told you, yes."
Yoochun looked into his eyes for a while, then he smiled widely, leaned over and kissed him. "Thank you," he said. "That means a lot to me." The sincerely grateful, relieved tone in his voice made this worth it, even if the hard part was yet to come.
"When shall we do this?" Jaejoong asked. "I want to prepare the food myself, but our apartment is a bit small, so I asked Joongki if we can use a table at the restaurant and he said he'll let me use the kitchen."
"Really?" Yoochun said. "That sounds amazing."
"And scary, because my food would have to be good enough to fit in that setting. It would have to be on a day when the restaurant isn't too full. Monday next week? That's in five days."
"Oh, I'll still be in Okinawa then," Yoochun said.
"...Okinawa?"
"Yes, at that team building thing in our hotel there. I'm leaving in two days. I've told you about that, haven't I?"
Jaejoong went very still, dread settling in his stomach.
"How long?" he asked quietly.
"Only a week, too short really." Yoochun frowned. "Have I really not told you? I'm sorry, Jae, I thought I had."
Jaejoong wasn't mad at him. He knew he had the right to be, because going to Japan for a week is something you should discuss with your partner, especially when you live together. But he wasn't mad, he was horrified. A whole week, seven days, seven long days.
He knew that he'd already wasted double that time himself, but he'd vowed to make up for that as best as he could, and now Yoochun was taking another week from him.
"Please don't go."
Yoochun looked confused. "Why not? It will be a good experience. We'll also learn about working with foreign guests. And they're spoiling us by letting us do this abroad. I've been looking forward to this ever since it was announced."
But I'm dead. If only Yoochun knew. It would be the perfect card to play in situations like this one.
Jaejoong knew he didn't really want to take this away from him. Yoochun worked so hard and his job could be exhausting. He deserved to do something fun, and it would only be a week. But...
You can go to Okinawa another time, but I'll be gone soon.
"Can I come with you?"
Yoochun laughed. "I knew you'd be jealous. But I'll be busy most of the time. It won't just be a fun holiday. We could go there together some day, although tickets are pretty expensive."
Jaejoong couldn't care less about the price of tickets, although he wasn't sure how to justify his sudden excessive spending to Yoochun. But Yoochun was right, if he went there for work, Jaejoong would just get in his way. It would be better to wait at home.
"How about the Monday after I'm back?" Yoochun suddenly said.
"What?"
"For the dinner." Yoochun smiled. "I'll contact my mother and Yoohwan."
"Right," Jaejoong says. "Yes, that sounds good."
23
"I'm almost done, just go to bed without me...what is this?" Yoochun looked away from his half-packed suitcase and stared at the box.
"A gift." Jaejoong held it out until Yoochun took it.
"I thought I was supposed to bring you home a gift from my trip, isn't that how it usually works?"
"I'm giving you something to remember me by while you're surrounded by cute men from all around the world," Jaejoong explained.
Yoochun opened the box and stared. Jaejoong would have bought him the most expensive watch in the store, but decided that was a bit much, so he'd opted for the second most expensive.
Yoochun looked at him, baffled. "Why?"
"Just to thank you for supporting me in everything I do, and because you complained about your old watch falling apart. I bought it with my own money, don't think I used yours."
"Thank you," Yoochun said. "I...I still don't understand what I've done to deserve this, but thank you."
"What time does your plane leave?" Jaejoong asked.
"Early, really early. You don't have to take me to the airport."
"What if I want to?"
"It's just a week. Will you really miss me that much?"
Jaejoong had a sudden thought. "Will Junsu be there, too?"
"Yes," Yoochun said, "why?"
"Just curious."
Yoochun didn't even ask if he was jealous, or reassured him that he didn't need to be, he just shrugged and turned around.
"I'll miss you," Jaejoong said. "Think of me?"
"Of course," Yoochun said. He put the watch down and went back to his suitcase. He hadn't said it like he didn't mean it exactly, but also not like he'd really given much thought to that response.
Jaejoong decided that a deeper problem in their relationship lay there. They exchanged I love you's and other sweet words but they had, somewhere along the way, forgotten the real meaning of those things.
When Jaejoong said he would miss Yoochun now, he knew he really would.
22
Yoochun got up early in the morning.
Jaejoong wouldn't follow him to the airport, but only because he knew he'd inevitably act like a desperately dependent boyfriend in front of Yoochun's colleagues and embarrass him. Yoochun returned to the bed when he was showered and fully dressed to kiss him goodbye.
The moment he heard the door close, Jaejoong started crying. He'd choked up on multiple occasions before, but these were the first tears he allowed to fall since he'd died.
It was the start of a proper breakdown.
He thought he'd coped surprisingly well up to this point. But Yoochun was gone now, the reason he was here was gone.
Without Yoochun to focus on and their relationship to worry about, so many new different thoughts about dying suddenly occurred to him. Without his job at the restaurant, his only distraction was his music, and the only thing he could bring himself to sing about was sadness and loss.
Everything he looked at; trees, the sun, kitchen utensils, made him want to cry and laugh at the same time. Everything was beautiful and everything was terrible. He'd never see, touch, smell and hear these things again. It didn't matter if something was good or bad, just the thought of not being able to experience it ever again was enough to make him miss it already. The only thing he was convinced he wouldn't miss was cars.
The first day he walked around the city and just experienced life, observed and absorbed everything until it became too much. He also thought about all the people who had ever been important to him.
He should probably meet his current friends one last time. But everybody was so busy with their jobs and their families that they usually only came together at parties and other special occasions. They would be confused by Jaejoong calling them out.
And what would they talk about? Jaejoong wanted to remember them the way he had last seen them, when they casually told him 'see you next time'. The last thing he wanted to do was sit people down in awkward goodbye-sessions.
The following two days he hardly left the bed. He carried his keyboard to Yoochun's empty spot and played sad melodies that he forgot immediately because he didn't write anything down. A text from Yoochun reminded him that he hadn't eaten yet.
The fourth day he browsed the internet for people who may have gone through the same thing he did.
He found a whole forum of stories by lunatics who believed they were angels, or immortal, and didn't bother with such earthly things as correct spelling and grammar. There were near-death experiences, and people who claimed they'd seen ghosts, lots of those.
But no one mentioned having a conversation with a supernatural being called Angel and coming back to life to spend time with their soulmate.
Maybe they had, Jaejoong thought, but their memories of it had been wiped, like his were the first time. Maybe no one had ever screwed up as badly before. Maybe this knowledge was part of his punishment.
Everything was a punishment, every single day. Only Yoochun could make him forget, feel happy and feel like it was worth it. And Yoochun wasn't here.
Jaejoong wondered if it was bad to depend so much on another person, unhealthy. Probably. He should want to live for himself, not someone else.
He didn't know anything about soulmates. He didn't think anyone except Angel could really tell him what the word meant. Is a soulmate someone you can't live without, or just someone worth living for?
Then he wondered what he would do if someone offered him the choice between this and a long and healthy life without Yoochun.
However hard he tried to imagine being happy in a different life, he couldn't. Everything he imagined seemed bleak and soulless without Yoochun by his side. Maybe Angel was right and what they had was the best kind of love.
Maybe that was a good song idea.
15
Jaejoong arrived at the airport just in time to see Junsu leave. He saw him smile and wave at Yoochun and say something like: "see you tomorrow!"
He hoped this didn't mean Junsu had stayed longer than the others to keep Yoochun company as he waited.
"Sorry," he said when he was finally within hearing distance. "I was writing and forgot the time. When did you arrive?"
Yoochun let go of his suitcase and stepped close. He looked happy and relaxed. And he smelled really good for someone who'd just stepped out of a plane. But his smile suddenly disappeared.
"You didn't tell me you were sick. You could have waited for me at home," he said. The amount of concern in his voice took Jaejoong by surprise.
"I'm not sick."
Yoochun touched his forehead, then his cheek. "You look like you've lost weight, you're so pale. Have you slept at all last night?"
It warmed Jaejoong's heart that Yoochun still cared about him, as annoying as it was to be treated like a child. "I'm fine," he lied. "I guess I must have missed you a lot," he added jokingly. The truth of that hurt, especially when Yoochun really took it as a joke and smiled again.
"I missed you too," he said, but still smiling.
Jaejoong wanted to cling to him, to hug him and never let go. He didn't want him to go to work again tomorrow. He wanted to beg him to take two weeks off. But that might confuse and annoy him, it might lead to a fight. That was the last thing Jaejoong wanted to do.
So he would have to smile and pretend everything was fine.
Yoochun had brought back so many gifts for him that Jaejoong suspected he was trying to compensate for the watch. It didn't matter. He knew it was impossible to buy love. If he only put money in, he'd only get money back, in some shape or form.
After dinner, Yoochun dropped down onto their bed and sighed happily. "No place like home," he said. He held out his arms. "Come here. You look like you can use some sleep as well."
Jaejoong stepped out of his jeans, turned off the lights and climbed over him. Yoochun pulled him close and kissed his cheek. He lazily pulled on the duvet until they were somewhat covered by it and hummed in contentment. "I like that we're not fighting as much as before," he said, apparently ignoring the fact that they had just been apart for a week and didn't really have the opportunity. Maybe he meant the period before that. "I've missed cuddling."
Jaejoong smiled and relaxed. He had high hopes he'd finally sleep through a whole night again.
14
Jaejoong didn't really want to ask, but they'd just enjoyed a home-cooked breakfast together, Yoochun was in a good mood and there was still more than an hour before he had to go to work.
"So the hotel was amazing and the weather was good, but how was the company?"
Yoochun shrugged. "Good. That's kind of the point with team building, getting to know each other better and growing closer."
"...how was Junsu?"
Yoochun smiled at him over the newspaper he was reading on his tablet. "Are you jealous?"
It was Jaejoong's time to shrug. "He's cute, nice ass."
"It almost sounds like you want me to leave you for someone else."
"Of course I don't," Jaejoong said quietly.
Maybe he did, just because it would be better for Yoochun. He would need someone so he wouldn't be alone. Yoochun hated being alone, even if he never admitted it.
The idea of Yoochun seeking consolation in Junsu's arms made Jaejoong's heart clench painfully. But he was dead, so what right did he have to complain?
"Junsu is just a colleague," Yoochun said. "Are you getting back at me for interrogating you about Jangmi?"
That memory hurt. "I was just asking," Jaejoong said. He did realise that he was the one who kept bringing up this topic. Yoochun hadn't mentioned Junsu once. But that didn't give him the right to compare this to Jangmi.
"I trust you more than that," Jaejoong said. He stood up, said something about the washing machine being ready and left before he could worsen Yoochun's or his own mood even further.
Avoiding conflict was something he'd never had the patience for before dying put everything into perspective.
12
Jaejoong had spent two days deciding on a menu and trying out several recipes. He knew the food wouldn't get Yoochun's mother to like him, but that didn't mean it shouldn't be perfect.
Joongki very kindly set a table aside for them in a quiet corner of the restaurant. It was the closest thing to a private room they could get.
Maybe Joongki thought he could persuade Jaejoong to take his job back like this. Last week he had grudgingly admitted that he missed him. And while Jaejoong seriously doubted that there wasn't an equally skilled, equally motivated waiter to be found anywhere in town, he still felt flattered.
He would be missed at least. It was one of the things he'd started thinking about lately. Yoochun would also miss him, he didn't doubt that, although he wasn't sure for how long. But he wasn't so sure about his parents or anyone else. His sister, maybe. Although after his previous accident she had forgiven him for almost dying a great deal earlier than she had forgiven him for wrecking her car, if she even had forgiven him yet.
He was pretty sure that Yoochun's mother would be almost glad to see him gone. She started glaring the moment he offered to take her coat. She loosened up a bit when he presented the expensive bottle of wine he'd selected for tonight, but only a little.
Yoochun was oblivious to this, happily chatting away with his younger brother about what was happening in their lives, while Jaejoong was being glared at. He was glad he could excuse himself to go get their food.
The questioning started the moment he came back with the first course.
"Yoochun has told me that you want to be a singer, but you're working as a waiter right now."
Jaejoong was grateful that Yoochun hadn't told her that he wasn't working at all at the moment. He nodded. "That's right."
"And you've been spending his money on singing classes?"
"Mom," Yoochun said. "That's not true, and can we please stop talking about money?"
"I used the money I earned here on classes, both singing and composing, and I regret not being able to contribute more to the rent than I do, but I hope my cooking and cleaning makes up for it somehow," Jaejoong said calmly.
She didn't seem satisfied with that answer, but she decided to change her line of attack. "Right. I understand that you work here, but can't you just sit down and eat with us? Surely you could have invited us on a day you didn't have to serve."
Yoochun wanted to say something again, but Jaejoong shot him a look begging him to stay out of it. He could defend himself, and Yoochun taking his side would only make matters worse.
"I wanted to cook for you myself tonight, that's why there's no menu. I've made most of the preparations this afternoon, so I won't be in the kitchen long, but I had thought you wouldn't mind spending some time alone with your sons."
He'd said the right thing. Yoochun's mother despised him for 'stealing' Yoochun from her, which was why she had never invited him to her house. The appreciation didn't show in her voice as she said: "Let's see what you've prepared for us then," but Jaejoong had definitely seen it on her face.
He did understand her. Yoochun's mother wasn't a mean woman, she was just very protective of her sons. Yoochun's father hadn't been a good match for her, she'd suffered for it, and she only wanted the best for her children.
For Yoochun she obviously wanted someone, preferably a woman, with a stable income, who would stand by his side and never hurt him.
Jaejoong was the opposite of those things. If only she knew that he was about to leave her son behind. She'd shorten the days he had left to zero right now.
She hadn't always been opposed to their relationship. She had been annoyed by the fact that he was a man from the beginning, but she'd also seen how much Yoochun liked him. She'd been willing to give him a chance. She changed her mind when he didn't try to find a 'real' new job.
It had gone downhill from there, and Jaejoong had to admit he'd dealt very poorly with her negativity. He could have tried to show her that he truly loved Yoochun, that, however messed up his life became, he'd never want to drag him down with him. He just couldn't be bothered to put in the effort.
His relationship with his own parents had never been very good, and when he came out as gay, they simply cast him out. He'd survived that, learned to be happy without the support of his family, and he was proud of this achievement simply because of how hard it had been to get here.
He didn't want to deal with another mother who couldn't accept him for who he was, and he'd sometimes even thought of Yoochun as weak because he did need her in his life.
He'd always known those thoughts were really caused by some kind of jealousy. He didn't have to be dead to figure that out. And he'd never really acted on them, because he knew this, and because he respected Yoochun. But he'd also never acted against them.
He'd kept his distance from Yoochun's mother, ignored her complaints and also Yoochun's pleas to talk to her about them. He could have done better there.
He felt a burst of pride when he served the main course and even she had to admit it looked and smelled amazing, and she noticed that he'd asked Yoochun and used some of her favourite ingredients.
"So, Jaejoong," she said. There was no malicious tone in her voice when she said his name. Perhaps it was the wine. "I never asked you how your career in singing is coming along."
Jaejoong sensed some genuine interest, rather than worry over her son's finances, and smiled.
"There are a few auditions coming up," he said. "I really hope to get a spot as a background singer for a broadcasting company. That doesn't sound like much, but some people have found their way to fame as a solo artist like that, and even if I never will, it would be a decent job."
She nodded, not very enthusiastically, but she didn't immediately criticise that plan. Yoochun gave him an encouraging nod.
"Or," Jaejoong continued, "I could try to sell the songs I've written. I've been working on a few new ones recently, some that even Yoochun hasn't heard yet. Would you like to hear one of them?"
His heart instantly sped up and his throat went dry. He hadn't meant to pose that as a question. Stupid politeness.
Jaejoong tried to keep a straight face and shot Yoochun a hopeful smile. What if she refused? She could just say 'no, thank you' and he could hardly tell her he'd planned the entire evening around this moment.
She seemed surprised, but not unpleasantly. "Sure," she said. "I'm curious."
"Me too," Yoohwan added.
Jaejoong avoided Yoochun's questioning gaze. He needed to calm his nerves as soon as possible, pretend this was just another performance, even though he knew it wasn't.
There was no stage, but Jaejoong had installed his keyboard and a microphone in a corner, with permission from Joongki, and connected them to the speakers. The entire restaurant would be listening. There weren't a lot of people there this evening, but it was still less private than he would have liked.
Maybe this was a mistake. He'd written this song for Yoochun. It was their song, and it would probably be better if he performed it only for him, at least the first time.
Jaejoong didn't want to think that this might be the last time he got to perform at all.
But there was no way back now. He didn't want to sing anything else. He sat down behind his keyboard, tested the mike, and dedicated the song to Yoochun.
He briefly met Yoochun's eyes. They were surprised and curious, and so beautiful. Jaejoong wanted to look into them from up close and drown in their depths. He wanted Yoochun to look at him and completely open up to him like he had in the past, and then kiss him.
He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and sang.
He poured his heart and everything he had into the song. He'd written this when everything around him was at it's most beautiful and terrible at the same time. He'd written it when he missed Yoochun so much it physically hurt, and when all the good memories of their relationship flashed before his eyes like they should have the moment he died, if that hadn't happened so fast.
He didn't know if the lyrics made sense to anyone who didn't know this, but he wanted to deliver the emotions as best as he could.
He really had to focus on his breathing near the end, to keep going instead of choking up. Tears welled up behind his closed eyelids, but he would't allow them to fall. He wanted to look at Yoochun, see his reaction, but then he would surely cry.
There was complete silence when he finished. Jaejoong had never heard the restaurant this quiet. Even before it opened someone would be moving something in the kitchen. He lifted his hands from the keyboard, willed his tears away, and slowly looked up.
Suddenly people were cheering and clapping and asking for more, but the sound was pushed to the background when he focused on Yoochun.
Yoochun was looking at him, very intently.
A body blocked his view. Jaejoong blinked and looked up.
"You should have told me you could actually sing before you quit," Joongki said. "I would have set something up if you wanted a place to perform."
"I'm sorry." Jaejoong used the moment Joongki blocked him from Yoochun's view to dry his eyes with his sleeve. "And thank you, but I've already found something."
Apparently he'd missed another chance here. Had he actually done anything right in his life?
"That's great," Joongki said. "I'm sure you'll go far with that talent." He seemed so genuinely happy for him that Jaejoong wished he hadn't lied.
He made his way back to the table without taking his eyes off the floor.
When he sat down next to Yoochun, Yoohwan was the one to break the silence.
"You got so emotional," he said, with pure awe in his voice. "You must really love my brother."
Jaejoong didn't know what to say to that. He started when Yoochun took his hand under the table. "A watch, a dinner and now a song...is it my birthday?" he asked, softly, like he hadn't heard his brother and wasn't bothered by his mother's silence, like they were the only people at the table.
Jaejoong turned his head and looked at him. Yoochun looked back with a gentle and loving expression on his face.
Jaejoong felt like he could finally breathe again. "Did you like it?"
"I liked the part about being in your heart forever," Yoochun said, "even if it's a little cliche. But it also sounded like you were singing about regret and letting go. Does a love song have to have a sad edge to be taken seriously?"
Jaejoong's throat closed up, but he still managed: "I'll change it."
Yoochun shook his head and squeezed his hand. "Don't. It was beautiful. It was perfect."
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