Friends with Benefits
"Soo…" Your voice comes out as a half whine, half gasp.
If Kyungsoo had any difficulty holding back before, it’s infinite times harder right now.
Whatever thoughts he’s had about this crossing the line of friendship all gone, kapoot… Disappearing as fast as the way his blood are now rushing south.
He latches plush lips on yours, breaking through that last barrier to chase his euphoria. And yours.
You gasp again, unsure what to make of all these sensations. It’s foreign, definitely, more hurt than pleasure. But the way Kyungsoo bores at you half-lidded, mouth open as a bubble of laughter escape his lips, makes you stay in that position, and you utter shakily,
“What?”
He’s breathless, the tight warmth around his member making coherent thoughts almost impossible, and he struggles to find the right word to describe what he’s feeling right now.
"It feels… Really good."
The way he confesses with slight embarrassment makes your lips twitch into a smile.
That strange tug in your heart is back, but you haven’t had time to interpret it when he’s moving, hips jerking somewhat awkwardly, elbows shifting to balance out his weight while being careful not to crush you.
You grip his biceps (Did he work out? He’s not as flabby as you thought) and tries to remember how to breathe. At this close a proximity, your best friend looks different.
Kyungsoo suddenly seems more transparent, more vulnerable, and that undiffused gaze fixed on you…
It’s pinning you down even more than his physical presence. And when he next takes you into his mouth, your eyes flutter shut and you let yourself go.
At that moment, you need him. Four thrusts later, he shudders and pulls himself out with a jerk.
When he next glances at you again, emotion overwhelms you and you feel like crying…
Because this feels so much like love.
Even though it’s probably not.
_________
Chanyeol is a great boyfriend.
He’s tall, handsome, friendly, funny (though he does laugh at his own jokes more than you do)… And most importantly, he makes you feel like you’re important.
However, whenever he kisses you, you can’t help but think of how it’d be better if you don’t have to crane your neck so much, that he’ll take your quiet laughs as cue to leave you alone, and when cooking, he can hum a song that’s not some ghetto rap and more of soulful R&B.
When the two of you sit down for a meal, you suddenly miss how the utensils will be neatly laid out for you before you tuck in, ketchup readily squeezed out on the correct spot on your plate.
The text messages that doesn’t end with generic emoticons, but a properly spelled and typed out “Goodnight.”
So when you accidentally bumped into Kyungsoo on a Friday night at a club, you find yourself ignoring the self-laid rule of not making the first move- to approach your best friend who’s sitting in the corner with two other guys and a girl.
Chanyeol is performing at the club tonight, busy rehearsing with his band backstage. You play with the lip of your glass a while before standing up and striding forward.
Kyungsoo is chatting lividly with the sexily clad lady (big bosoms, long hair, fair skin, totally his type, you think disturbingly) when you stop in front of them and lets out a (hopefully casual) “Hey.”
When he flicks around and notices you, the look in his eyes is somewhat unreadable.
It annoys you even further because you’ve always pride yourself on being able to read your best friend like a book. But then again, the past couple of weeks you’ve been busy dating Chanyeol and sort of neglecting him.
You wonder if you’re a bad friend.
"Hey you." He breaks your line of thoughts with that familiar eye-smile.
The one that you still think of sometimes before you go down to sleep or when Chanyeol’s telling you a joke that’s dripping with sarcasm.
Kyungsoo throws names around as you and his friends nod politely at each other.
You don’t quite meet the gaze of the lady’s though.
"It’s a surprise to see you here, you don’t usually enjoy these type of settings, especially on a Friday night." He muses, an eyebrow quirking in mock amusement as he leads you to a quieter corner away from his friends.
"I don’t. Neither do you." You glare at him, a challenge in your eyes.
He shrugs and laughs. “It’s Baek’s birthday.”
It’s the blonde haired guy sitting beside him at the table just now. You only nod.
"So, what are you doing here? I’m sure you aren’t alone. Shinae broke up with her boyfriend again?" He glances around for your other best friend who’s forever having the worst luck with relationships. Not that you fare any better.
"Nah, Chanyeol’s doing a gig here tonight."
At the mention of his name, Kyungsoo’s smile wavers a little. It’s only a flicker, but you notice it anyhow.
"Ah… I see. So you guys are meeting up afterwards?"
"Probably."
_________________
It turns out that Chanyeol’s having a late night discussion with his band members since one of them suddenly announced that he’s leaving the country soon. You are left to go home on your own.
"Sorry babe…" His hands feel warm in yours, touch lingering and you know he’s sincerely sorry and wanting to send you home himself.
"You owe me a chocolate cake."
He cackles.
“I’ll buy you anything to make up for it.”
Pressing a kiss to your forehead, he squeezes your hand one last time before returning backstage.
You are about to leave when a familiar voice calls out to you. All too familiar.
"Soo?"
Your best friend cracks a grin.
"Let’s get you home."
You can’t ignore the way he places a hand on the small of your back. It’s not large, like Chanyeol’s.
But it’s warm, and it’s Kyungsoo.
____________
"So, that Minah seems to like you."
You tell yourself it’s just natural to be curious about your best friend’s relationship status, especially since you’ve gotten attached as well, it’s good that he finds someone else too, isn’t it?
"Huh?" Kyungsoo gives a light chuckle before answering. "I didn’t notice that… But she’s kinda cute."
Kinda cute? Kinda cute?
You suddenly feel a flare of jealousy.
"So you’ll date her?" Struggling to keep your voice leveled, you prompt again.
Kyungsoo pauses before looking away from the road to eye you.
"You think?"
Somehow that brief moment of exchange causes your heart to palpitate and a rush of heat to burst out on your cheeks.
You’re glad his eyes are already back on the road because this isn’t something you want him to see.
"It doesn’t matter what I think."
You shrug stiffly.
Another moment of silence.
“Well, it does because you’re my best friend isn’t it?”
For some strange reason, the term “best friend” sounds oddly displaced at this point.
You can only utter a short “Y-Yeah.”
The car hums as he drives into the part of the street where you live.
"And Chanyeol?"
You suddenly find yourself turning a bit defensive at the mention of the name.
"Yeah? What about him?"
"Just… You know, he seems really cool and all but don’t you hate going to these places? Yet his gigs are usually held in discos and pubs…"
"It’s alright, I only tag along occasionally."
You don’t tell him including today, you’ve only attended his gigs for a grand total of one time, out of the two months you’ve dated.
"Oh."
The next five minutes back to your house is spent in silence.
When he pulls up, there’s an uncharacteristic pause before he mutters, “Good night.”
Usually, before your relationship with Chanyeol, this is the part where he kisses you.
On days when you two are particular chummy, it develops into a full fledged make-out session, two times which ended up in your bed, hot breaths against heated skin.
And now that the memories are creeping back to you, you find the air stifling, your heart in stitches and knots.
Half of you wishing this awkwardness between the two of you will disappear, that you two can go back to the times before the whole friends with benefits started, where Kyungsoo is just Kyungsoo with that dumb-ass smile and sarcastic jokes, not Kyungsoo with tender gazes and expert touches- touches that are honed through the several encounters that goes beyond pure friendship and murky grey territories, that seeks out the most sensitive buttons and knows exactly where and when to press.
And half of you wish that now he will press them again, self-hatred filling inside you because
No! You’ve got Chanyeol now and Kyungsoo is just a friend!
Best friend.
But you hate it more when you realize his seat belt is still tightly clasped.
"Good night." You breathe and let yourself out.
____________
It started with a cuddle.
You pushing your nose into the crook of his neck, vaguely breathing in the faint cologne on his warm skin.
You were crying, and you needed the comfort. And Kyungsoo was just there. He’s always there.
So you leaned onto him for support, feeling his strong, steady heartbeat in the middle of the bustling street as he rubbed circles on your back to calm you down and a short,
“Let’s go, that jerk’s not worth it.”
That was your first heartbreak. And the first time you pressed yourself so keenly into your best friend’s embrace.
You’ve known each other since middle school, being classmates and then matchmakers when one of your girl friends fell for his best friend. Not that the two of you were of much help, simultaneously making things worse with the snickering at the sidelines.
They didn’t get together in the end, but your friendship forged through.
Unlike your awkwardness with most of the opposite gender, you’ve always had a strange camaraderie with Kyungsoo. He’s affable without being overly eager, thoughtful with a dry humor, and definitely more mature than most of his peers.
Mostly, you just felt comfortable with him. But it’s never gone past that.
It’s not that Kyungsoo’s not attractive, because he is.
Even during middle school, he’s got his fair share of admirers and when the two of you went on to high school, he lost his baby fat, accentuating those doe eyes and full lips. Suddenly, girls (and even boys) were falling for him left right center.
It was amusing, seeing your best friend panicking because he spotted one of his admirers and squeaking to run away.
Eventually, he did develop feelings for one of those admirers, around the same time you had your crush on your orientation group leader. But those feelings didn’t last, and the guy you crushed on was a two-timing jerk.
Kyungsoo held on to you while you cried that night, your tears staining his black tee.
For the first time, you wondered why you haven’t tried it with your best friend. He’s sweet, an awesome cook and sarcasm aside, totally husband material.
But as much as you are fond of him, you’ve never had those legendary butterflies whack your internal system that others say defines romance.
Because being with Kyungsoo is always calm, sometimes funny, but never jittery.
So even though you shuddered when he pressed a light kiss on the top of your head, you didn’t think much about it.
You felt his chest rose and fell a little more slowly as the night rode on and you slept like that, curled up in his arms.
The second heartbreak wasn’t as bad, since the guy already had a girlfriend in the first place.
He said he was considering a break up.
It never happened.
You stopped waiting.
It still hurt though, and you sought refuge in the noreabangs with Kyungsoo.
The boy’s a fantastic singer, good enough to sign with a record company, but he’s also terribly shy with strangers, and so he was contented with being a behind-the-scenes music producer.
Your job as media editor coincides with his crazy hours, so it’s only natural that the two of you get together during one a.m. in the mornings, singing for three hours straight until your throat edged on raw and Kyungsoo coaxing you to put down that third bottle of soju.
It was during one of these sessions that the usual friendly banter dwelled into something like flirting.
Hands lingered a bit longer on skin and faces inched close enough to smell the alcohol in each others’ breaths.
He first leaned in to press a kiss on your lips when he sent you home that night.
Short and simple as he braced you against the door.
There’s no fireworks, just a slight breathlessness.
"I’m not…" You started.
"I know." He gave you a reassuring smile. "It’s just a kiss. From a friend."
You broke into a grin and corrected. “Best friend.”
After that night, the kisses continued, but neither of you talked about it anymore.
So they ran longer, deeper.
It was during your last birthday when it happened. You had just stopped pining after a three weeks crush on a colleague.
The guy was married.
Kyungsoo was a total sweetheart, waltzing you out of the office right after 7 p.m. and promising you dinner at your favorite restaurant and a singing session after that.
He delivered all his promises.
And more.
The birthday gift was a matchbox toy cat you’ve been eyeing over the internet for a few weeks, but the price was too steep for something as juvenile as that. You only posted it passingly on Instagram and you’ve never expected him to come across it. He’s more of a Twitter person anyway.
"At this point, I’m starting to think I’ll end up being one of those spinsters with ten cats in a small apartment. Or maybe matchbox toys work too." You lamented.
"You won’t be." He eyed you with a lop-sided smile.
There wasn’t any alcohol involved that night, but somehow you felt a little giddy, and when he was about to say goodbye, you pulled him into the house, letting out a childish giggle.
"Why?" He uttered, a lazy smile visible even in the dim lighting.
"It’s my birthday." You answered, like it’s supposed to mean something, but you didn’t.
Heck, you didn’t even know why you’re doing this in the first place.
But you felt reckless, and Kyungsoo was close.
He smelled nice and he felt warm. Eyes twinkling like a secret you wanted to keep.
Just for tonight.
"As far as I’m concerned, it’s already past midnight and both of us need to work tomorrow."
He said with slight exasperation but you knew he’s not going anywhere.
"I know."
You’re the first one to lean in this time. The kiss slow and languid as you took time to feel each other.
But feet shuffled and a hand dragging you closer by the waist made bodies press impossibly closer and your breath hitched.
He groaned softly into the kiss and suddenly both of you seemed to realize this was steering dangerously into a direction that neither of you were entirely sure of.
But instead of stepping on the brakes, it accelerated.
Even if you wanted to stop, you couldn’t. Not when his mouth was so eager on yours and those touches felt like fire burning across your skin.
_____________
When he came out of the bathroom later, realization came crashing down upon you.
What had the two of you done?
"You… Okay?" His voice was a whisper, a tad hoarse from the singing session prior and even at that point, you couldn’t help but think it’s all rather sexy-sounding.
"Yeah… " There was a pause, before you continue with, "You’ve got work tomorrow."
"… Yeah."
He left and you felt a little empty, yet a little fuzzy inside.
It’s not love, you think.
Because those damned butterflies were still dormant.
Kyungsoo didn’t bring it up the next time he met you for supper, acting like his usual self.
You were afraid to initiate it, thinking that pasting a label on whatever this is, would ruin the friendship.
It happened again a fortnight later, even though you fully intended not to, but it was a particularly frustrating week, and Kyungsoo’s touches were comforting and his smile mesmerizing.
The two of you still didn’t talk about it.
Gradually, you stopped the internal questioning.
______________