Friends with Benefits (part ii)
You’ve never really understood what Chanyeol sees in you.
The two of you are different, that’s for sure. Both in music tastes and world opinions, even the way you prefer to hold hands.
But he makes your heart skips.
The first time you saw each other at the post media party, he was one of the performers and he caught your eye straight away, a towering 1.85m giant with a gleaming smile and large eyes.
Which reminded you of Kyungsoo’s big, doe ones.
"Hi." His thundering bass tone was a huge contrast with that baby face.
And suddenly you were nervous and wondering whether you’ve put on enough perfume that day.
On the pretext of sending you his latest self-written songs for a trusted opinion, you exchanged numbers.
He was quick, asking you out that very same weekend.
After six weeks, the two of you became official.
You told Kyungsoo about it two weeks prior.
"I’ve heard about him in the industry. He’s a nice person." He nodded, a small smile on his face.
"I… Eh…" You fiddled with the cup of tea in your hands.
"Don’t worry." He seemed to read your mind. "It’s nothing, really. But I hope we can remain friends, you know?"
Kyungsoo eyed you hopefully.
You gave him a big smile.
"Of course."
______________
You didn’t really follow through your promise, to be precise.
Before the night at the club, the two of you only met for one lunch before that.
And it was another coincidence that had you bumping into each other in the same building after your sales meeting.
The conversation flowed slower than normal, though still vaguely comfortable. It ended quick since you were in a hurry to edit a recording and him to meet a client.
That night, you hugged Chanyeol a little tighter when he fetched you for dinner.
______________
It is expected from Chanyeol, really, after this short while.
It's your 100 days together, and he prepares a date at the amusement park, complete with bouquet of roses and a nice dinner that isn’t too lavish near the Han river (he knows you don’t appreciate those).
At the end of the night, he sends you home, smiling a little brighter than usual and hands straying to places on your skin that tingles.
When you let him into your house, he gives you a bear hug.
"Are you happy today?" His deep voice hums through your body.
"Yeah." You flush a little at the contact.
And then he kisses you, soft, gentle tugs on your lips and you relent, feeling small in his gangly arms and your heart thrumming to an erratic rhythm.
The kisses, however, starts turning a little more heated and then he is pushing against you so that your back hits the wall.
You gasp and he breaks the kiss for a while to look at you, eyes meaningful and hot breath hitting against your face before he leans in again.
The action unearths something familiar and immediately, you know where this is going.
Your arms come up to grab at his biceps and he uses the chance to slip a hand under your shirt. Your breath hitches and suddenly, you’re feeling a little scared.
Unlike with Kyungsoo, where your brain starts with a million questions but promptly shuts down when his tongue searches hot and tender into yours, it charges on with Chanyeol.
And it doesn’t help that he’s being more aggressive, kisses going quicker than you’d like them to and you can really just tell him to slow down and you know he will if only you ask but now you’re just feeling goosebumps all over your skin and it’s not those good ones so you just have to…
"Chanyeol!"
Your voice comes out as a breathless gasp.
"Y-Yeah?" He sounds like a confused puppy and you instantly want to take that back. "Sorry, I was just… I’m too rough, aren’t I? I-"
"No, it’s just…" You are still panting, albeit a little lesser. "It’s just, I’m having my, you know?"
It’s a total lie, you just ended your monthly cycle three days ago but that’s the only way you think you can let this down nicely.
"Ah- ah!" He breaks into a giggle. "It’s okay, we’ll just kiss then."
Relief spreads through you and the two of you part after another round of tamer make-out session.
When he leaves, you can’t help but wonder why you lied.
____________
Shinae is a shitty listener, but a good friend.
You haven’t even been able to explain to her properly about how Chanyeol didn’t actually “do it”, when she interrupts the plain dinner with a resolute, “This calls for a drinking session.” and hauls you to the nearest pub.
The place is just starting to warm up at 9:30 p.m, some chill-out music playing subtly in the background and voices low with the occasional boisterous laughter.
It’s not too bad.
You can do without the smell of cigarette smoke but other than that, it’s okay.
You think she picked the right place.
"So you’re gonna defend your virginity ‘til your wedding day?" She hands you a drink.
You swallow a lump before accepting the glass. How are you going to explain to her that your first time was already taken… by Kyungsoo?
"I just… I guess I’m not ready." You huff out before taking a swipe.
That’s, at least half the truth.
Recently, you’ve been feeling another emotion beneath all that hesitance.
It’s guilt.
Guilty because though Chanyeol has been giving his entire heart for you, you can’t seem to give the same back.
The albatross clings on like a second skin, suffocating you whenever he comes close.
You don’t want to think of the reason, because that would mean facing whatever you’ve been trying to avoid all along.
But life has a way of screwing people up. Just when you’re about to take your third sip, the light on the stage comes on and a few people are moving around, fiddling with the keyboards and guitars.
"He’s on tonight, I see." Shinae nods at the stage.
"Who?"
She tilts her head and you follow her gaze.
And promptly froze.
It’s Kyungsoo.
You’re speechless for a second, and Shinae gives you an odd look.
"You mean you don’t know?"
Staring back, you ask, ”Know what?”
"That Kyungsoo’s been singing at this pub for the past two months. He’s really good. My colleague was rambling to me about it and I didn’t know it’s him until I came here last week."
Your gaze flits back to your best friend again. He’s dressed in a black long-sleeved sweater, dark blue jeans. His usual garb.
But there’s something different about him that you can’t quite place your finger on at the moment.
And it makes your heart rate speed up a little.
What?
"What?" Shinae smacks you lightly on your thigh.
"What, what?" You snap back to see her questioning glance.
"Aren’t you gonna say hi or something?"
"I-" The words are stuck in your throat, and there’s a disconcerting feeling stirring in the pits of your stomach.
You can sense the impending headache.
The question is broken by the sound of an “ah-ah, mic test”, his voice sweet and familiar.
You’ve always known he’s got a fantastic voice, but it’s been quite some time since you’ve last heard it amplified, and it’s quickening the swirls in your stomach.
"Hello… I’m Kyungsoo…" He gestures to the two guys behind him. "And Seojun and Andy. We’ll be singing for you tonight."
There’s a decent amount of clapping here and there. Apparently Shinae’s right. He’s been earning himself some followers already.
"I hope you’ve had a great week, because mine sucks."
The crowd sniggers a little.
"We’ll open the night with a familiar number, are you ready?" He nods to his band and they gave him a thumbs-up.
The plinking of the piano runs in and he starts to sing Bruno Mars “When I am your man”, a song you’ve probably heard him belt out more than a few times during your noreabang sessions.
He sounds awesome and soulful as usual, the spotlight on him adding sort of an ethereal effect.
It’s beautiful.
You’ve never really seen him like that before, his presence almost always acting as a ground to hold you down.
But now, with him hoisted on a stage at a distance, seemingly unreachable, it both hurts and amazes you.
Because you suddenly see him as more.
Much more.
And it’s confusing.
"Told you he’s good." Shinae chimes.
"I know." You break your concentration to give her a smug grin.
"You should know, you’re the one always hanging out with him." She chugs down the rest of her drink before ordering another one. "I’m surprised you didn’t know he sings here."
You bite your bottom lip.
He didn’t tell you.
And you can’t bring yourself to blame him because, you’re the one at fault.
"We haven’t been talking much." You shrug.
Shinae hums, finger tapping on the empty glass. “You know what’s strange?”
You wait for her to tell you the answer, eyes still fixed on your best friend singing on stage. But when she doesn’t say anything after half a minute, you turn around to look at her.
Shinae opens her mouth but the waiter interrupts with her arrived order. She thanks him and takes a sip before answering.
"Kyungsoo hasn’t had a proper girlfriend for all the years we’ve known him."
You frown.
"Doesn’t the one in high school counts? That Gaeun?"
Shinae throws you an almost scandalized look.
"Are you kidding me? She’s his cousin."
"Oh. I didn’t know that." But you still don’t understand. "So?"
"So, they are like those kind of cousins that are related so they can’t marry. Kyungsoo was just taking care of her. As far as I’m concerned, he only treated her as a younger sister."
"Oh."
That’s not what Kyungsoo told you. Though he has never outright admit they were dating either.
You just sort of guessed they were because they were around each other a lot for a period of time. He’s never told you they were related though.
"So?"
"So?" You are starting to sound like a parrot.
Shinae sighs.
"Never mind."
What she said sticks in your mind though, and it’s not until the sound of loud clapping fills the club that you look up to see Kyungsoo’s heart shaped smile spreading across his face.
It’s beautiful.
_____________
After five songs, they stop for a break.
The chattering among the crowd simultaneously increased with the exiting of the band members. Kyungsoo is the last one, meticulously arranging his music sheets before stepping down from the wooden platform.
"Not going to say hi?"
Shinae asks again.
You fidget with your jeans at the knees, unsure of what to do, when suddenly Kyungsoo seems to be glancing in your direction.
Your heart instantly leaps at the possible eye contact, and you’re both tempted to run or wave madly to him. You are still deciding, when a petite girl strides up to him.
It takes you a few moments to recognize her. She’s the girl from the bar, back at Baekhyun’s birthday gathering.
Minah?
"Looks like he’s got a friend." Shinae notes.
You see Kyungsoo smiling when he sees her, Minah saying something to him and then he’s throwing his head back to laugh, sound bright and carrying.
Your stomach twists and you suddenly stand, not bothering to finish your drink before you utter to Shinae, “I forgot I’ve got something to do.”
"You… Do?" She sounds shocked, and probably is.
You muster your most convincing regretful expression and whines to her, “My boss will kill me if I don’t finish it by tonight, I’ll see you around.”
Before she can reply, you’re already hasting your steps towards the exit, careful to avoid looking in the stage’s direction, just in case he spots you.
Though he’s probably too occupied with someone else at this moment, you think bitterly.