(no subject)
Wow. Just watched the video that Tiff posted up on facebook of AX of '05 and it sure opened a floodgate of memories from yesteryear. It's incredible thinking that the fottage is from 5 years ago...it sure feels like a different lifetime. I was such a different person back then living a totally different life. My ideals, ambitions, views, as well as many other aspects of my personality has changed so much since then that i would almost say that i'm almost a completely different person. But I'm not; I'm just older. I wish I could revisit that time and experience again the mind of my young self; to feel what I was feeling, to think what I was thinking. So jaded, I was. So ignorantly bliss. 2005 was a transitionary year for me: I had just gotten back from all of my training for the Marines and had no plans, goals, or ideas for my immediate future. Best of all, i didn't care. I was living life by the moment and loving it. I did what I wanted when I wanted and couldn't care less for tomorrow. I was young and felt like I deserved a break for all the "hard work" i've done in the last half year. It was my first taste of the nectar of freedom and boy was it sweet. I had no idea of the hardships to come in 2006. The deployment and the end of my first serious relationship. Both events would change me forever. Then there was 2008, a year of discovery and recovery. And 2009 and 2010, another deployment, a new school, a new life, and the disappearance of the angst of youth.
I look at myself, now, through the stained bathroom mirror. My face, still familiar, is somehow different than the one I just briefly seen in the video. I explore my face with my eyes, studying the features like a map. The first thing I discover is how tired I now look. Not the "tired hungry for sleep" tired, but more like..."tired from life" tired. Its hard to explain. In the last 5 years I've gone through emotional, physical, and mental stress to last me 10 years. I am tired. Tired in a way that no amount of sleep will ever ameliorate, like a thirst unquenchable by liquids. Then I notice my age. Wrinkles have started to form on my forehead and at the corners of my eyes. Facial hair now occupy much of my upper lip and chin and random spots on my cheek. And scars. Both tangible and untagible. I look down and see the scars on my chest, arms, and hands, knowing well the presence of more throughout my body. I feel like an old car with its fair share of battle scars. I'm also thoroughly aware of the new ache in my hands, knees, and back that surfaced recently. I turn off the lights to the restroom and return to my room pondering all the while.
I wonder what I would say to myself had I an opportunity to meet myself back in 2005. What would I tell him? What would I have asked my future self? Would I warn myself of the troubled roads ahead? Warn him of the obstacles he would soon have to face? Or would I tell him to avoid certain people and things to avoid heartache and hardship? Honestly, I think if I had the opportunity to meet myself i wouldn't say a thing about the future. I'd reach over, pat my young self on the back and say with a gentle smile, "good luck, you'll need it."
All this thought of the past stimulated thoughts of the future. What will I be thinking when I see videos of myself of 2010 in 5 years? Would the change be as drastic or would my leaving the military dampen the winds of change? Unlike 2005, though, I have an general idea of where I want to be by 2015 and a vague plan on how to get there. However, events never go as planned and life has a way of being very difficult to predict. What if my plans for the future are like those of the creators of Jetsons or other equivalent science fiction and become just that: fiction? Wishful fiction at that. I guess all I can do now is something to the tune of 2005 with one added amendment: plan for the future, but live for the moment.