Tell Me What You Want....
My birthday is quickly approaching. Everywhere I turn, it seems like someone is asking me the inevitable question: "So, what do you want for your birthday?"
As if inexpensive material gain could make up for the fact that I am about to begin yet another year of searching for things I have no control over. As if "stuff" could replace "the life". As if anyone really could give me what my heart desires anyway.
But I keep my skepticism to myself. I politely smile and give the "I don't really need anything" answer instead of saying what really runs through my head. Because everyone who asks already knows the real answer. But they ask anyway.
Sometimes, late at night, I pretend that someone does have the power to give me what I really want, and I let myself daydream of what that "gift" would look like:
Me, in my beautiful silver and black dress, standing in the room full of friends and twinkling white lights. The lights are dim enough to give "atmosphere", there is music playing, and a dance floor just calling to be used. A slower, older song begins, causing snickers from the crowd because it's such an odd song for a party of my age, but I don't care because it's my favorite song ever. I smile when I hear it and look up to see Him standing in front of me, offering the dance that I was promised months ago. As we dance, he holds me tightly and looks into my eyes. We have a moment. But the real moment must wait. Wait until the end of the night, after the party, when he takes me home. We stand outside and talk because it's been so long. And he misses me. So much. He's been so stupid, so childish, so selfish and scared. Can I ever forgive him?
Do I need to mention the kiss? Or the fact that the story ends with "happily ever after"?
I try not to indulge in the silly daydream very often or for very long. As warm as it makes my insides feel to imagine such a moment, I won't fool myself into believing that "it could happen". Dreams may be a wish your heart makes, but that doesn't make the wish come true. And as Dumbledore once wisely reminded Harry, "it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."
And so, I continue to smile politely and not honestly answer the question that everyone already know the answer to.
As if inexpensive material gain could make up for the fact that I am about to begin yet another year of searching for things I have no control over. As if "stuff" could replace "the life". As if anyone really could give me what my heart desires anyway.
But I keep my skepticism to myself. I politely smile and give the "I don't really need anything" answer instead of saying what really runs through my head. Because everyone who asks already knows the real answer. But they ask anyway.
Sometimes, late at night, I pretend that someone does have the power to give me what I really want, and I let myself daydream of what that "gift" would look like:
Me, in my beautiful silver and black dress, standing in the room full of friends and twinkling white lights. The lights are dim enough to give "atmosphere", there is music playing, and a dance floor just calling to be used. A slower, older song begins, causing snickers from the crowd because it's such an odd song for a party of my age, but I don't care because it's my favorite song ever. I smile when I hear it and look up to see Him standing in front of me, offering the dance that I was promised months ago. As we dance, he holds me tightly and looks into my eyes. We have a moment. But the real moment must wait. Wait until the end of the night, after the party, when he takes me home. We stand outside and talk because it's been so long. And he misses me. So much. He's been so stupid, so childish, so selfish and scared. Can I ever forgive him?
Do I need to mention the kiss? Or the fact that the story ends with "happily ever after"?
I try not to indulge in the silly daydream very often or for very long. As warm as it makes my insides feel to imagine such a moment, I won't fool myself into believing that "it could happen". Dreams may be a wish your heart makes, but that doesn't make the wish come true. And as Dumbledore once wisely reminded Harry, "it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."
And so, I continue to smile politely and not honestly answer the question that everyone already know the answer to.