Ideas and Ideals of Love

Nov 03, 2007 23:19

When I was little, I would imagine what it would be like when I finally fell in love....

I could watch all the movies and TV shows, read all the books, and listen to all the songs in the world, but I knew that my "idea" of true love could never actually compare to finally feeling it. Words could never describe the intensity and purity of the emotion.

Oh, those days when I was so young and innocent, that I believed that love could be that simple and easy.

In my mind, when I finally did fall in love, it would be soft and fierce at the same time. It would be hard work with rich rewards. I would be completely devoted and eternally loyal. Nothing and no one could tempt me away from my beloved because what I would feel for him would be more than anything else could dare compare. I would stick through the rough times and the sad times and the unbearably long and painful times, and if he was to pass on before me, whether suddenly or after many long years together, I would simply waste away behind him because going on without him would never be an option. It would be wonderful and painful and scary and the most amazing feeling in the world. Because that's what love looked like in my mind: the good, the bad, the hard, and the soft.

And most importantly, I always figured when I finally truly fell in love, it would be with a man who felt the same way about me.

I was never prepared for the truth.

I was surprised to realize that it is harder to determine the actual level of feelings than originally anticipated. Attraction, infatuation, crushes, devotion, loyalty, fondness, comfort, concern, trust.... while all these are parts that make up the whole that is love, no ONE can be a substitute for the rest. And over the years, I have found myself mixed up in these varying degrees of "love pieces". But never were they the eternally enduring whole that I have waited for. Always there comes a time when I can let go and move on.

Except for the one that won't go away. The feelings are different and I can't get him out of my head or heart, no matter how hard I try. It's still his face I see at the end of the aisle in my white dressed fantasy. It's still his eyes I see looking at me from the face of my future children. And despite all the pain he's caused for me, I still want nothing more than to be able to make up for any and all hurt he has ever experienced. I don't know if I'm confusing parts for the whole or if I am afraid of what else is out there or if this really is the real feeling and I was wrong in believing that it would be reciprocal. I'm confused and frustrated and not sure what to do with myself.

Part of me hopes I will never feel this way again because the pain is worse than I ever imagined, but another part of me hopes I can lose this and still have the chance to feel love the way I always hoped it would be.

The eternally hopeful optimist and the jaded, cynical pessimist are at war. And I'm interested to see what "falling in love" actually did to me in the long run....
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