(no subject)
Ive been neglecting my journal recently. I would normally have written so much about whats been going on in my life but I just havent made it down to the lab to do it and naturally I can't just pour my heart out baout another guy with travis standing right there. Ok so here goes. I finally decided to not even bother writting him back and just get over the first awkward phone call and let him have my number. Ahhhh, the joy of being confused yet again of where exactly my heart lies. How do you forget the one person who broke your heart the most, who offered the world then denied it the very next day? I cant, I wont, and I never will. Ill never stop loving him, and he now knows that, and at least I can have a bit of peace with that. As for him, Im still wary to trust him though he says he still loves me. Its so good to hear also that while I was thinking of him he was thinking of me. So many times I would just go off someplace in my mind and wonder what he was doing, if he was ok, if he ever thought of me. To know that I have not been loving in vain creates this sigh of relief in my heart. When he told me he still loved me, told me if he could he would come to me right then and there my heart broke all over again. Its so conflicting to know hes out there and feeling this way and I can't be near him, I can't hold him like I want to. All I want to do lately is lie down with this pain inside knowing that love of such a great amount is out there and Im not allowed to access it. And to, am I being fair to Travis? we live together, I love him, I do, but its not the same. I love him in a different way, and hes so good to me, I don't deserve him at all sometimes, he mellows me out and hes there for me. up untill now I really thought he was the one. Now Tom comes along and he just bursts right back into my life and makes me doubt it all. I can't let the blame fall on him though, I haven't told him to go away, Im pursueing him as much as he is me. I just hope he is genuine about how he feels. Theres that old adage that goes something like fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me, will it be shame on me?